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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I am a sahm - AIBU

438 replies

Mintchocchip35 · 08/09/2021 14:00

So dh and I have decided that I will not return to work after 2nd mat leave ends. I was previously a teacher. This is more my idea but dh is supportive either way. He runs his own business and works very long hours usually 6 days a week. He loves it and it is his passion.
So the arrangement will be my 3 year old will go to nursery 3 days a week and my 1 year old will go 1 day a week so I will have one day to myself a week. We also have a cleaner 2 hours a week. So in this instance would you consider all cooking, washing, tidying etc to fall to me even on weekends? Interested to hear your opinions.

OP posts:

YouMeandtheSpew · 08/09/2021 15:49

I should clarify that I don’t mean you should become someone who does absolutely everything for her husband save for wiping his bum. My MiL has never really worked and she has always done everything for my FIL. I really do mean everything - if he wants a drink at a meal he tells her and she gets up and gets it for him. At the end of mealtimes she gets up and collects his plate and cutlery etc from under his nose while he sits back with arms folded. He doesn’t even pick them up and pass them to her.

I personally would find that unbelievably humiliating but she seems happy.

Cornishclio · 08/09/2021 15:51

Yes if he works 6 long days then he should have quality time with the children on his free day with some chill time booked in. If you have the 2 small children outside of nursery then you should be doing household chores/shopping etc on your free day and the weekend day your DH is home you should take a back seat on parenting. Long term though I wonder if this dynamic will work. You may resent giving up your career and he may regret dedicating so much time to work he has little time to spend with his kids.

UserAtLargeAgain · 08/09/2021 15:51

I'd expect all the "heavy" cleaning and household jobs to be done during working hours during the week between the cleaner and the SAHP.
I'd expect incidental household jobs that can't be done then (e.g. cooking, tidying up after DC) and childcare to be done by the SAHP when they are the only one at home and split 50/50 when both parents are both at home. I would hope for a DH working long hours for 6 days, that they prioritised their day off on spending time with the family rather than chores though.
I'd also suggest that OP should take some time for herself while both DC are at nursery and DH takes equivalent time at some other point in the week.

CattyMcNips · 08/09/2021 15:52

I have a similar set up, eldest is at school and youngest does 3 mornings a week at nursery. DH works a lot.

I do all of the cleaning and day to day things, DH does a bit in the garden and helps with bedtime.

He cooks at the weekend or buys a takeaway.

We have a gardener but I've never been happy with any of the cleaners we've had so I do it, at least if it's bad I know it wasn't expensive and bad!

RiverSkater · 08/09/2021 15:52

Yes, but you aren't his slave so he still tidies up after himself etc.

Be careful you don't lose yourself. Even with the time off. You just become mum and homemaker. Maybe volunteer, somewhere where you can be you, not so and so's mum or wife.

UserAtLargeAgain · 08/09/2021 15:53

I'd caveat that I'm assuming both children mostly sleep through the night reliably. If they don't, that entirely changes things and the SAHP should have more down time to rest.

FourTeaFallOut · 08/09/2021 15:53

Oh God, weep for all the poor men being manipulated into having children and choosing to be the sole earner, it's so sad how they don't get to make any decisions in life because of all the mean, awful women.

UserAtLargeAgain · 08/09/2021 15:53

@thedancingbear

50/50. Childcare is work too. Why should he get to opt out of family life?

By that token they should also split paid work 50/50. Why does OP get to opt out of earning money?

TornadoTrinity · 08/09/2021 15:57

Has op come back at all? We're 6 pages and 134 posts in and have only got the op 🤔

Paq · 08/09/2021 15:59

Yes the majority of domestic labour.

No he doesn't get to opt out of parenting - bedtimes, toddler wrangling, late nights/early mornings at the weekend or holidays.

Yes her should still clean up after himself and generally not add to the workload.

No you shouldn't do all the wife work such as remembering his parents' birthdays or booking his dental appointments for him.

If he has any lazy-bastard or cheeky-fucker or take-for-granted or the-wage-earner-is-the-ruler then don't even consider giving up work.

If he has a time consuming hobby on top of his six day a week job don't even consider giving up work.

If he's in any way secretive about finances don't even consider giving up work.

AlwaysLatte · 08/09/2021 16:02

Yes if he's working long hours 6 days a week I'd do all of it. We had a similar arrangement which we were both happy with - he still insisted on mucking in when he was home though.

thedancingbear · 08/09/2021 16:02

By that token they should also split paid work 50/50. Why does OP get to opt out of earning money?

Are you serious?! Because she's at home all day looking after the kids. Is she expected to take the kids into work or something? I'm sure most employers would love that.

Pinklioness · 08/09/2021 16:03

I think you should do all the stuff during the week but I don't think your DH should just sit down and watch you do everything at weekends. If the tables were turned, I wouldn't just sit and be waited on and not have anything to do with childcare, or see my partner never have a lie in. If his job's his passion, is it his choice to work six days a week or can you not do without that extra income?

In short, he should make some effort at teamwork, but you should take the bulk of it as the SAHP.

TheDailyCarbunkle · 08/09/2021 16:04

@Feelingoktoday

“I think the cleaner and nursery are total red herrings - at best they will allow you to be more available to the other adult who does little or nothing to contribute to the ongoing running of the house and family.”

Well he provides 100% of the finances which is pretty significant and means he does contribute to the running of the house and family.

If the OP splits from him, he'll still have to provide at least some of the finances - ie his contribution is largely the same whether the OP is with him or not.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/09/2021 16:05

@AlexaShutUp yes hard to be completely fair but just as a rule of thumb, there’s shouldn’t be one person who is working in some capacity or other 24/7 while the other gets time to pursue interests and hobbies.

Original poster

Mintchocchip35 · 08/09/2021 16:05

Thank you for all the responses - really interesting to hear others opinions and tbh I was expecting a LOT more of a bashing.
So im currently still on mat leave - yes would have to pay back half pay but have put money aside for that. My toddler is at nursery 2 days at the mo and my 7 month old is with me every day until she turns 1. As I'm on mat leave and at home I do all the cooking, tidying, washing up, washing, clothes away etc even picking up dh's clothes off the bedroom floor. If I'm out with the dc and dh makes himself lunch he'll usually leave the washing up to me. Bedtime wise we do 1 child each. At weekend I will still do everything. Dh will offer to cook but I just tend to do it. We do get a take away once during the weekend and will eat out once.
Finances wise dh transfers his take home wage to my account every week and all bills, food shopping etc comes out of this. Anything left we use for savings, pay off mortgage etc
Sometimes at Weekends we currently bicker if dh leaves his stuff on the floor for me to pick up. I guess I want to justify that it's ok for me to be doing most stuff because I don't want to feel resentful or bicker.

OP posts:

MrsBobDylan · 08/09/2021 16:05

OP have you thought about how it will feel when you have been with your kids all day, cleaned the house, made the food, washed the clothes, shopped for food etc and you've yet to spend anytime with your husband or do anything which doesn't revolve around someone else?

The posts on here from SAHM's whose dh works long hours while they skivvy unpaid and unseen in their house are abundant.

AlexaShutUp · 08/09/2021 16:05

@thedancingbear

By that token they should also split paid work 50/50. Why does OP get to opt out of earning money?

Are you serious?! Because she's at home all day looking after the kids. Is she expected to take the kids into work or something? I'm sure most employers would love that.

It's precisely because she is home all day looking after the kids (when they're not at nursery) that she should take on the rest of the domestic load. They have a cleaner for 2 hours a week anyway, so it isn't like there will be that much to do.

50/50 doesn't sound fair to me at all.

MintyGreenDream · 08/09/2021 16:05

I work 1.5 hours a day and do all the housework.Yes I think you should if dh works and you don't.

RaginaPhalange · 08/09/2021 16:06

Eh? Of course you should ge doing the majority of things. What are you expecting to do?

ManifestDestinee · 08/09/2021 16:06

@Feelingoktoday

I never understand why men agree to this situation. To work 6 days a week, 100% responsibility for finances, and providing a pension for another adult. He also is not the RP if the couple break up.

Because it's great? I had this set up for a couple of years, it was the business. I went to work doing something I enjoy, I came home to cooked meals, clothes washed, clean house. I got to do the nicer bits of parenting and not the all day drudge. Honestly, why would you not agree to it?

TornadoTrinity · 08/09/2021 16:06

If the OP splits from him, he'll still have to provide at least some of the finances - ie his contribution is largely the same whether the OP is with him or not

But if they split, surely he'd have to do some solo childcare?

abbs1 · 08/09/2021 16:07

I am a SAHM to my 18 month old and expecting 2nd baby in early March.
I do all cooking, cleaning, washing etc as my husband works all week and then we have the weekends together to go out and do family things.
He will help hoovering, tidying up, taking the bins out, dishwasher etc but I wouldn't expect him to clean and do washing etc unless I was poorly etc.

Cuddlemuffin · 08/09/2021 16:08

I'm in a similar position but with 3 kids, also have a cleaner and ds3 about to go to childminder 1 day a week so I have time to study (part time) I do all tidying and washing and anything to do with the kids. Husband does most of the cooking and bath cooks things I warm it up on day two. I Cook maybe once a week covering 2 nights. He likes cooking more than I do and is actually better at it. The most important thing is that you are both happy with how much you are doing so there isn't any resentment.

1990b · 08/09/2021 16:09

@DespairingHomeowner

"maybe play with the kids if I felt like it"

Wow, how kind of you. Your chdren aren't an optional choice.

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