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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am a sahm - AIBU

438 replies

Mintchocchip35 · 08/09/2021 14:00

So dh and I have decided that I will not return to work after 2nd mat leave ends. I was previously a teacher. This is more my idea but dh is supportive either way. He runs his own business and works very long hours usually 6 days a week. He loves it and it is his passion.
So the arrangement will be my 3 year old will go to nursery 3 days a week and my 1 year old will go 1 day a week so I will have one day to myself a week. We also have a cleaner 2 hours a week. So in this instance would you consider all cooking, washing, tidying etc to fall to me even on weekends? Interested to hear your opinions.

OP posts:
mum23kidz · 08/09/2021 14:46

You are at home, so yes.

DixonD · 08/09/2021 14:48

Yep, you’ll be expected to do 99% of it I’m afraid.

I now work 14 hours a week and still do the vast majority.

8dpwoah · 08/09/2021 14:52

Yes in this instance I would expect to be doing the vast majority of the housework which, with a cleaner, wouldn't be that onerous to fit round children I wouldn't have thought? Your DH shouldn't be doing absolutely nothing but mine only does quick things like the dishwasher now that I'm at home all the time (1 DD in nursery two days a week where I do freelance work, number 2 due imminently, no cleaner as we don't have money to spare on things we can do ourselves while I'm on mat leave).

One thing though which I'm sure you've already sorted but if you had any occupational mat pay you would probably have to pay that back if you don't return to work for 13 weeks?

Thedogscollar · 08/09/2021 14:53

Genuinely interested that you are asking this. I mean it sounds lovely and good for you that you can obviously afford to drop a whole wage.
I'm thinking of the millions of others, mainly women, who will never have this advantage and get on with a full time job and household cleaning, shopping, washing and ironing.
I'm baffled if you genuinely think you should not be pulling your weight at the weekend.

Tal45 · 08/09/2021 14:53

God I couldn't be with someone who worked long hours 6 days a week, how does he have time to have a relationship with anyone?

When you're both off for the day I think it's nice if you make meals together - at least you do something together then rather than him be off doing his own thing while you're in the kitchen. I'd give tidying/washing a miss on that day altogether, you get so little time you should spend it doing something nicer than that or what's the point of working all those hours?

NCBlossom · 08/09/2021 14:56

Not all cooking no.

He’s home. You are home. There are two kids.

You’ve looked after the kids all day. He’s been at work all day. Who should cook and do dishes? Well both of course!

Cleaning though yes as it’s easier at home. And you have a cleaner. And you have a day off (and I presume he doesn’t)

Cleaning clothes? I don’t know. Shared? Or you?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/09/2021 14:57

I’d expect you to do the bulk off it during the week, so that there was little housework, admin etc to do on the weekends.

However, I would expect things like childcare and ongoing tidying, cooking and clearing up to be split 50:50 on weekends, - just the stuff that can only be done “in the present” if that makes sense.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/09/2021 14:58

Equal completely free time is the goal and the easier way to work it out.

ifonly4 · 08/09/2021 14:59

Do you really need to ask (no disrespect)? I did all the housework, grocery shopping, gardening alongside childcare. I'd often put on a wash at weekends, do the odd shop, but I didn't complain as I had time in the week to also meet friends for coffee, go on day trips when DH was working.

breadfortea · 08/09/2021 15:00

yes

giggly · 08/09/2021 15:00

What is this “one day to myself” thing you talk aboutConfused
Single full time working parent fails to see the point of the question and sulks off.Sad

loafcake · 08/09/2021 15:00

Yes for during the week because he does work such long hours and so many days. But at the weekends it's important for your mental health AND for your children to see that dad does do the cooking/cleaning if needed also.

Just to add I'm a SAHM and I would die for a cleaner 😂 it's never ending!

MattyGroves · 08/09/2021 15:01

@dramalamma

Looking after a 1 year old is a full time job - great if you get stuff done (obviously depends on how high maintenance the kid is) and then you both have free time at the weekend. If you don't get it all done it's joint responsibility to get it done at evenings and weekends. Kids are unpredictable - sometimes you get stuff done, sometimes it's impossible and actually parenting them is more important than the other stuff. I'm quite surprised by how many women (I'm assuming) are saying that because someone stays home for childcare, the whole household crap gets lumped in with it. Looking after young kids is also mind numbing - the day off you get in the week is for sanity not housework! So your husband works 5 days a week 9-5, and then gets the rest of the time off? No chance! when is your time off? Cos parenting is 24/7.
I agree with this in general. I have a day off with my kids who, a year ago, were 1 and 3 and I don't get any housework done as they are pretty full on. However.. the OP has a cleaner and a day without either child a week. I could do all of our washing and batch cook for half the week in one day without either child. Plus the one year old almost certainly naps which gives some time on the two days the 3 year old is in nursery as well.

As I said before, I wouldn't expect the DH to do absolutely nothing around the house but the OP has a lot more time than he does.

Finals1234 · 08/09/2021 15:01

@mygenericusername

Yes but in the same sentence I would never give up my career. What if DH no longer becomes dear?

It’s your choice. It really is but protect yourself and the future of your children above anything else. People with their own businesses can quite easily hide assets.

Completely agree with this
AlexaShutUp · 08/09/2021 15:03

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

Equal completely free time is the goal and the easier way to work it out.
It's hard to be really fair, though, isn't it? I found looking after small dc infinitely easier and more relaxing than my demanding job, but for other couples with different dc and different jobs, the paid work might be the easier option.

I think each family probably has to reach its own conclusion about what is and isn't fair. As long as both partners are happy with the division of labour, then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. If one partner is not happy with how things are divvied out, then there is a problem that needs to be addressed.

Babyroobs · 08/09/2021 15:07

If the kids are both going to Nursery I would be doing a day's supply teaching a week to at least keep my hand in !

LobsterNapkin · 08/09/2021 15:07

@NCBlossom

Not all cooking no.

He’s home. You are home. There are two kids.

You’ve looked after the kids all day. He’s been at work all day. Who should cook and do dishes? Well both of course!

Cleaning though yes as it’s easier at home. And you have a cleaner. And you have a day off (and I presume he doesn’t)

Cleaning clothes? I don’t know. Shared? Or you?

If it were me, I'd send him off with the kids while I cooked, so he could spend some time with them. If he loves to cook that might be less appealing, but two people cooking with an infant and a toddler doesn't seem all that plausible.
dworky · 08/09/2021 15:08

No, it's unfair for one person to do all the drudgery, unhealthy for anyone capable to not take care of their own basic needs & also for children to view one sex as the house skivvy.

MindyStClaire · 08/09/2021 15:09

Yes I think you should be doing the vast majority, and leaving as little as possible for the weekends. DH should also be fully pulling his weight with the cooking, tidying after meals and child wrangling when he's home.

Ideally I would say you should each have equal leisure time, but that might be hard to achieve if he's working 6 days.

Dillyjones72 · 08/09/2021 15:09

I’d expect you to ‘run’ the house and kids to some extent but not everything. I.e. do kids stuff when DP not around, do the mental load, arranging things like car MOT, pay bills, order groceries, shopping, sorting kids stuff, most of the laundry prob but as for cooking/washing up and childcare and household chores on weekends DW and I split that when I was on maternity.
Otherwise you will start to feel like a serf… and make sure you get enough time off away from house and kids for yourself. Don’t let him be one of those blokes who works all the time, uses it as an excuse to not pull his weight a home or spend time putting kids to bed etc and then buggers off cycling or to football or the pub with his mates on weekends because he needs to de-stress from work…
Are you SURE that your going to be happy with this arrangement, long term.? You’ll be financially reliant on someone, not saving for a pension, not having your own money.
Would your DP not prefer to try to have a bit work/life balance for themselves and have time with the kids??

Summersnake · 08/09/2021 15:10

3 under 3 ,no cleaner ,no nursery ,I did 100% of everything.
Wow you have it easy

thelegohooverer · 08/09/2021 15:11

I’m a sahm and I just don’t think it’s as cut and dried as some posters make it out.

With small dc underfoot it isn’t always possible to get everything done. Dh and I worked from the principle that while we were apart we were working as hard as each other, and when we were together we helped each other out.

When the dc were small, there were days when the housework just piled up until they were in bed. I don’t think it would be fair for him to put his feet up and watch tv leaving it all to me after I’ve had a hellish day.

And by the same token I’ve often run errands, manned phones, typed up presentations and helped out in any way I could when his working life spilled over. And if I know work is busy I’d be encouraging him to chill and relax.

His job can vary from not having a minute to think straight to days with a lot of faffing. Neither of us want the other’s job on the tough days so we work from a position of mutual respect.

Plumtree391 · 08/09/2021 15:12

I think you will be expected to do most of the domestic duties. If you organise it, you won't be at it all day every day. Any ironing can go to an ironing shop.

I'm glad at least you have a cleaner and that you will have one day all to yourself.

At weekends I would expect your husband to do a share of cooking and any shopping that is needed.

Enjoy your free time, it will be lovely for a while. I expect you'll want to return to work in the future, if only part time, but for now make the most of the positives.

Dillyjones72 · 08/09/2021 15:13

My DW worked away a lot when our DS was a baby and toddler and I know now that it’s one of her greatest regrets that she missed so much of his early childhood for a job shear seemed so important at the time but ended up leaving and moving on anyway.
You might love your job, but it won’t ever love you back, and our kids are on loan to us for such a short time.

Jasmine11 · 08/09/2021 15:13

@Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse

SAHM here. I do all the cooking. Including weekends. Always have done and I really don't mind. But that doesn't mean you should have to.

I'd say with that amount of nursery care and a cleaner. Yes, you should be doing most things. There's no excuse not to is there?!

I agree, you will have a lot of childfree time so you are not really working in your role as SAHM full time, so I would 100% be expecting to do the bulk of the household tasks in your position.