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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I am a sahm - AIBU

438 replies

Mintchocchip35 · 08/09/2021 14:00

So dh and I have decided that I will not return to work after 2nd mat leave ends. I was previously a teacher. This is more my idea but dh is supportive either way. He runs his own business and works very long hours usually 6 days a week. He loves it and it is his passion.
So the arrangement will be my 3 year old will go to nursery 3 days a week and my 1 year old will go 1 day a week so I will have one day to myself a week. We also have a cleaner 2 hours a week. So in this instance would you consider all cooking, washing, tidying etc to fall to me even on weekends? Interested to hear your opinions.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 08/09/2021 14:24

@Treegarden

Monday to Friday yes, but at weekends it's 50/50 x
He works 6 day weeks...
HollowTalk · 08/09/2021 14:25

I think you should do it all but that doesn't give him the right to be disrespectful.

So for instance if he's dropping his clothes all over the house and leaving a mess in the sink then that isn't on.

Stompythedinosaur · 08/09/2021 14:26

You should both have equal leisure time. So if he works 6 days a week we should get the majority of the other day off, to equal the day you have with both dc at nursery.

I'm a big believer in parents splitting things equally, but in this situation it does seem fair that you pick up the vast majority.

Notashandyta · 08/09/2021 14:26

Defo mostly falls to you doing it, but it's very hard to do so with two children that young when they're at home (most of the time).

I'd expect him to do some bathtimes/bedtimes/ waking in the night otherwise you are on call 24/7 (bar your day off) and would be exhausted.

Life is hard when they're that age, however you do it. It does get easier.

HeddaGarbled · 08/09/2021 14:27

The problem is that when you take on all the domestic tasks, however lovely your partner is, there will be times when he treats you like his maid.

At weekends, I think it would be reasonable if you cook, he clears (washing up or load dishwasher) and vice versa; he doesn’t leave his stuff on the floor for you to pick up; he makes/fetches you drinks as often as you do for him etc.

It’s about making sure that he treats you with respect and as an equal partner, not as an employee.

Anordinarymum · 08/09/2021 14:28

@HeddaGarbled

The problem is that when you take on all the domestic tasks, however lovely your partner is, there will be times when he treats you like his maid.

At weekends, I think it would be reasonable if you cook, he clears (washing up or load dishwasher) and vice versa; he doesn’t leave his stuff on the floor for you to pick up; he makes/fetches you drinks as often as you do for him etc.

It’s about making sure that he treats you with respect and as an equal partner, not as an employee.

Whoa.. that's a bit presumptuous ! Do you know OP
mygenericusername · 08/09/2021 14:28

Yes but in the same sentence I would never give up my career. What if DH no longer becomes dear?

It’s your choice. It really is but protect yourself and the future of your children above anything else. People with their own businesses can quite easily hide assets.

LemonTT · 08/09/2021 14:31

I’d never give up career if married to a self employed/ own business person. Unless they agreed to a post nup that lays out a commitment to address the sacrifice and future child maintenance on divorce.

LookieLikie · 08/09/2021 14:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TolkiensFallow · 08/09/2021 14:34

If your DH works 6 days a week he gets a day off and same for you with your nursery arrangement.

I would expect you to do the lions share to be honest BUT he can’t just give up doing anything ever. Like if he makes himself lunch whilst you’re out, he should still clean up after himself and not just leave a mess for you to clear up!

TornadoTrinity · 08/09/2021 14:35

@LemonTT

I’d never give up career if married to a self employed/ own business person. Unless they agreed to a post nup that lays out a commitment to address the sacrifice and future child maintenance on divorce.
I think I'd be more worried about him losing his business. It isn't ideal that he has to work 6 days a week.

Teaching is quite a stable job, so wonder if op could do that part time?

Funnily enough, I'm an 'accidental' SAHM at the minute (following redundancy) and I'm wanting to retrain to become a teacher.

1990b · 08/09/2021 14:36

Yes. I wouldn't be able to justify a cleaner either.

My husband works long hrs and l do 90% of the childcare and housework plus shopping and everything in between but he helps on his days off.

daretodenim · 08/09/2021 14:38

I'm guessing you're asking the housework because you don't really want to be doing it all (or you'd not ask - unless he's begging you to leave it all to him when he comes home after his long hours 😂).

So on that assumption, think about what you're doing very carefully. Being a SAHM isn't glamorous (unless you live in Dubai or are a WAG!). Being a teacher is something I could never do and I fully respect why a teacher may want to stop, but the whole housework responsibility is something else: at least when you're a teacher you have a job title!

The housework and all meals other than perhaps one on Sunday (or some Sundays) are now 100% your responsibility. Your DH works long hours, but as you say, it's his passion. You're about to be working long hours most days too..and unless looking after small kids, meal prep abd tidying up after, house tidying and doing laundry, interspersed perhaps with some toddler groups, is your passion, there's a high likelihood that you're going to start to feel resentful.

So my advise is yes, most of the housework does all fall to you, I'm afraid, and as such perhaps look at this as a "trial year" of being a SAHM. Maybe a change of direction in career terms will come at the end of it, but be careful about signing yourself up to this indefinitely.

FourTeaFallOut · 08/09/2021 14:39

I wouldn't be able to justify a cleaner either

Why, because of the cost or because sahm is analogous to house elf on MN?

NotAnotherBloodyNameChange · 08/09/2021 14:39

This is a reverse isn’t it?

ThorsLeftNut · 08/09/2021 14:39

Yes. The day to yourself is for yourself, but the rest IMO you should be covering 85% of the house load.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 08/09/2021 14:39

No obviously not. Your DH's "work day" is when he leaves for work and when he gets back (with time to actually get ready to go and time to get his shoes off and shower or whatever when he walks in the door, and you should be doing most of the getting up with the children on work day nights because being tired at home is more ok than being being tired at work so long as you're still ok enough to safely have the baby obviously).

Your "work day" is the same hours as his, and as above. You should be doing everything for the children in that time and doing as much life work as you can get in, putting in the work to get it done as if it was an actual job, and that should be everything that has to be done in the day as well as as much of what can be done whenever as you can get done with the children there.

The day the baby is at nursery too is not "a day for you" though. That again is your "work day" and you should be getting done much of the housework and life work in that time and not using it as a day off unless your DH gets the same. When DH is at work you are at work. You should be doing more of the housework and cooking than your DH does, and shouldn't treat it as DH being fortunate that you've made him a meal he likes for a lunch to take with him or a making dinner because this is now one of the jobs you are doing the same as he is doing a job to earn the money to pay for the food.

Outside of "working hours" you should be doing housework and life work much more equally. He should be being equally a parent, because both your work days are over and you are now being a family and in a relationship again. The money he earns is family money and should be shared, and you shouldn't see yourself as more of a parent or more of a scivvy or whatever becuase you are both doing equally valuable jobs and no one is more important than anyone else. This should work for your family and you should both be ok with what you do and believe eachother is doing their share, becuase if DH thinks its "his money" and that you are just being lazy at home (obviously if you are being lazy and he's coming home to find the kids watching cartoons, convenience frozen food for meals, no shopping in and the house untidy then you aren't doing your "job" just the same as if you turned up for work and didnt actually work or just did the minimum all day, and he has every right to be pissed off), and you should not think that you are now "more" of a parent than he is because you're doing more "childcare" or say that he doesnt do as much you around the house, because this will only work if you both feel you are getting a fair share from you being a SAHP and him being the breadwinner, so you need to be really clear what you both need from this or it won't work.

Wondergirl100 · 08/09/2021 14:40

Sorry but I don't agree with most posters.

When I had a 1 year old I was exhausted - my husband did lots of teh cooking and tidying.

dramalamma · 08/09/2021 14:40

Looking after a 1 year old is a full time job - great if you get stuff done (obviously depends on how high maintenance the kid is) and then you both have free time at the weekend. If you don't get it all done it's joint responsibility to get it done at evenings and weekends. Kids are unpredictable - sometimes you get stuff done, sometimes it's impossible and actually parenting them is more important than the other stuff. I'm quite surprised by how many women (I'm assuming) are saying that because someone stays home for childcare, the whole household crap gets lumped in with it. Looking after young kids is also mind numbing - the day off you get in the week is for sanity not housework! So your husband works 5 days a week 9-5, and then gets the rest of the time off? No chance! when is your time off? Cos parenting is 24/7.

RobinPenguins · 08/09/2021 14:41

Yes, 90% of it

RobinPenguins · 08/09/2021 14:42

So your husband works 5 days a week 9-5, and then gets the rest of the time off? No chance! when is your time off? Cos parenting is 24/7.

And if he works very long hours 6 days a week, per the OP?

Anothermothernamegame · 08/09/2021 14:43

It should be your full time job - as many days as he is at work.
The day he's off you split the chores and childcare.

BookFiend4Life · 08/09/2021 14:43

I would try to get most of the cleaning done on your child free day, the rest of the week ot should just be tidying as you go which should be shared equally (Ie he shouldn't be leaving messes for you to clean up), parenting should be shared equally when he's home. Cooking is a little trickier, if you're cooking in the evening he should be minding the children or vice versa. I think he should be responsible for at least one meal a week whether that's takeaway or homemade.

I'm SAHM currently and we don't do any cleaning on the weekend other than tidying up after ourselves, that way we get to spend time together!

Ellarain · 08/09/2021 14:44

Yes

LobsterNapkin · 08/09/2021 14:46

I would say that in general, I'd think that the SAHP in your scenario would manage a lot of the house work. But not necessarily all.

It will likely depend in part on how much work their actually is. Do you live in an apartment where housework is fairly straightforward? Or a home where there is a lot more outdoor work or maintenance?

When I was a SAHP one of my goals was that by being home in the day, I could maximize the times when my husband was home that we could spend time together and do things other than housework etc. He worked away for several months at a time as well, so everything fell to me then, and I wanted the kids and I to be able to spend time with him when he was working more normal hours. In some cases it wasn't always possible - I'm not handy so he managed most maintenance things on non-work hours, and sometimes I couldn't get my jobs all done in the day with a bunch of mall kids. So we both pitched in with what was left.

But being home FT with a full day without kids and several without the toddler, I'd think you could get a lot done.

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