I am a sahm - AIBU

[Mintchocchip35]

So dh and I have decided that I will not return to work after 2nd mat leave ends. I was previously a teacher. This is more my idea but dh is supportive either way. He runs his own business and works very long hours usually 6 days a week. He loves it and it is his passion.
So the arrangement will be my 3 year old will go to nursery 3 days a week and my 1 year old will go 1 day a week so I will have one day to myself a week. We also have a cleaner 2 hours a week. So in this instance would you consider all cooking, washing, tidying etc to fall to me even on weekends? Interested to hear your opinions.

My default position is both parties in relationships should have equal down time. So if you’re having a day to yourself in the week, then he should be relaxing on a Sunday

Yes. If you are the SAHP then running the house is your job.

Well I have a 10 month old and a 2 1/2 year old and I really struggle to keep on top of the house when my husband isn't here. Obviously toys etc can be picked up but are back out before I turn around. I can't do cleaning as such... the baby wants picking up all the time and the toddler just gets underfoot and I find it really stressful. So id definitely keep the cleaner. I do do all the meals, or at least make a good start on them before DH gets home but again, I appreciate the help when he's home, one of us baths the kids, the other cleans the kitchen. I certainly don't think you have it easy being at home with such young ones. Work is a bit of a break to be honest and I'll probably be glad when I get back. I'd love a day off to myself though, id have to clean but if I didn't I'd use it to organise and have regular clear outs, do the ironing (which I never ever have time to do) and probably do some batch cooking/meal planning etc. I'm still up every hour with the baby so id probably squeeze in a nap. I think the expectation will be that the lions share falls to you, and I think when you agree to being a SAHM your kind of signing up for it really

Frankly I think you should do everything, or else subcontract—which you have already done with cleaner and childcare. That means you’ve already subcontracted about 1/3rd of your workload.

He should help gather up plates after dinner every so often.

I’m a SAHM to one who is about to start reception. No cleaner. I do all cleaning and cooking, laundry and a lot of the family admin like birthday and Christmas presents, insurance, organising medical appts (DS has several chronic conditions).

I expect DH to be a hands on parent when he’s not working but I don’t expect him to do chores beyond what I’d expect a child- taking the plate into the kitchen after, dirty clothes in the laundry basket, wiping up spillages.

What’s the point of this post? You’ve managed to make a decision together that you won’t return to work. But you can’t both agree on who does what in the house?

Just another glory post I think…

I never understand why men agree to this situation. To work 6 days a week, 100% responsibility for finances, and providing a pension for another adult. He also is not the RP if the couple break up.

I don't understand people who say they can't "justify a cleaner". If you hate cleaning, then why does it need justification? A SAHM could do without a dishwasher or washing machine or even a car in an urban area, but we still "splash out" on those things. If money is an issue then that's totally different, but having a cleaner is no different to driving instead of taking the bus.

I’m absolutely not one of those people who thinks that all housework and childcare and life admin should fall on the SAHP. I always feel so sorry for the women who post here saying ‘I know I’m very lucky to be a SAHM but my husband works 9-6 Monday to Friday, goes to the gym before and after work, does his ‘hobby’ for 8 hours a day at the weekend and goes out with his mates on Saturday nights, and he says I don’t shag him enough, but I do all the cooking, cleaning and childcare without a break and I’m exhausted’ etc.

But it doesn’t sound like this is that sort of situation at all. You have to split down time equally. If you get a childfree day (or half day, after chores) during the week then so should he on his day off.

I mean I’d expect him to load the dishwasher or lay the table or put away laundry when he’s around, but I don’t think he should have to spend hours doing chores on his day off.

@Feelingoktoday

I never understand why men agree to this situation. To work 6 days a week, 100% responsibility for finances, and providing a pension for another adult. He also is not the RP if the couple break up.

This!! I’d never agree to it 🤣

“I think the cleaner and nursery are total red herrings - at best they will allow you to be more available to the other adult who does little or nothing to contribute to the ongoing running of the house and family.”

Well he provides 100% of the finances which is pretty significant and means he does contribute to the running of the house and family.

@Feelingoktoday

I never understand why men agree to this situation. To work 6 days a week, 100% responsibility for finances, and providing a pension for another adult. He also is not the RP if the couple break up.

Presumably because he can carry on being a workaholic while his wife builds an entire life around him?

@Feelingoktoday

I never understand why men agree to this situation. To work 6 days a week, 100% responsibility for finances, and providing a pension for another adult. He also is not the RP if the couple break up.

Probably prefers his job to housework and childcare. If he didn't support his wife he'd have to pay a nanny and cleaner.

Hi OP. To be honest, if he only really there one day per week, he won’t really notice what housework is or isn’t done, will he.

My husband was / is similar in that he was self-employed and very driven by his work. He always had about ten business ventures going in at any one time and it’s very consuming. It was worth it ultimately, as he has been extremely successful, but it can get quite lonely at times.

My advice to you would be this - proceed with no expectations from him (in terms of housework). Why do you need him to do housework anyway? Don’t make it into a competition, but also do what you need to do. Don’t be asking “should I do all the housework?” Obviously, this will fall to you as he’ll barely be there (unless you’re asking him to vacuum at 10pm or something) . But this doesn’t mean you have to become some kind of drudge. Not at all. Look out for your mental health. This is what I did -

1. Got the cleaner in on Mondays and Fridays - so the house was always sorted for the weekends (especially if entertaining) and then also sorted going into the week. He won’t have a clue when the cleaner comes anyway if he’s out six days a week, so do what you need to do.

2. Took all his shirts to the press weekly and then used the tumble drier in a way that minimised ironing.

3. When all the kids were in nursery / school, that was unashamedly MY time and I felt no guilt whatsoever about doing whatever I wanted to do - whether that be going for a run, meeting friends or going to bed! We all need mental space and, on our case, we had 4 kids, so it’s hard to come by. Take your moments when you can and never apologise for this. I wish I’d learned that earlier!

4. Eat out with the kids (if you can) as much as possible. Less mess and less boring. Or have friends round and do lunch for their kids and then go to theirs etc etc.,

5. Don’t pick up toys etc etc all day. Just whizz round about an hour before he comes home and he’ll have no idea that the place was a bombsite all day!

6. I do have a DH who doesn’t cook which is not ideal, but sometimes I’d take shortcuts eg, getting stuff from Wholefoods or somewhere and he thought I was super-chef because he had no idea. In fact he still thinks I’m some kind of domestic goddess because he has no idea who comes in the day or what goes on - nor what is available in certain shops! This has been the case for 17 years and our relationship is all the better for this.

7. He needs to take you out for dinner or something once a week or, at least once a fortnight and he needs to sort this and make an effort for you and make sure it happens. Otherwise, with workaholic types, it can be hard to prioritise your relationship.

8. Take your kids to loads of groups and clubs and meet loads of people and enjoy it.

It’s not about who does what. It’s about appreciating the role of the other; supporting each other and giving each other space to do their “role” as they see fit. Good luck!

Absolutely it should be your responsibility

I don’t think it’s a case of preferring work to childcare or domestics. Society still expects men to work. Also a lot of men if living on their own might choose not to have kids. It’s usually the woman that wants the kids.

I hope my sons get a more balanced work and life and that their partners work and they work and between them they flex the hours so that my sons and their partners all get to spend time with their kids.

I, as a single parent do it all. Housework, work and childcare.

TheDailyCarbunkle
MO the strict SAHP/WOHP split, especially when the WOHP works very long hours, is a very very bad idea. The children have two parents and the two parents should have a real involvement in their lives - it shouldn't be the case that one does pretty much everything while the other dips in and out in the very small amount of time they have free. In general that setup leads to partners who have very separate lives, which can build a lot of resentment and disconnection

I didn’t find this to be the case at all. Weekends were vey much family time for us with no jobs for either of us to do. Same for the evenings once the DC get a bit older and stay up later. My DH used to love picking up the DC from their clubs etc and was very much involved with weekend activities. When they were younger he nearly always did bath time, We were into making life as easy as possible for both of us. We have friends who like to do jobs all the time but that’s not for us.

Not at all. I wouldn't expect 50/50 but I'd still expect my husband to do a noticeable amount of 'housework' and children's 1:1 care.

@Feelingoktoday

I don’t think it’s a case of preferring work to childcare or domestics. Society still expects men to work. Also a lot of men if living on their own might choose not to have kids. It’s usually the woman that wants the kids.

I hope my sons get a more balanced work and life and that their partners work and they work and between them they flex the hours so that my sons and their partners all get to spend time with their kids.

I, as a single parent do it all. Housework, work and childcare.

So tell them to do that.

I do 90% of the housework and the cooking and we both work full time. I am an bit of a control freak though and like things a certain way and sometimes over clean. Our DC is an adult though now so it’s easier.

If you are both in agreement it doesn’t really matter what you choose. I think the most important things is to both have quality time with the children and fit the rest in between.

@Feelingoktoday

I never understand why men agree to this situation. To work 6 days a week, 100% responsibility for finances, and providing a pension for another adult. He also is not the RP if the couple break up.

Because they probably prefer it to having to be responsible for 50% of the childcare, housework etc.

I also doubt they much care about being RP, either, as they'd still need to work full-time in the event of a split, so being NRP is actually much easier for them in that respect.

The op can but try. If after a while the arrangement proves unsatisfactory, she can look for a job.

These things aren't set in stone.

I've known others who have done similar and it worked out well but not forever.

I highly recommend reading the thread that was posted yesterday from the SAHM who is unable to rent and the quandary she finds herself in now.
It's heart breaking.
I never in a million years would give up my financial prosperity for someone else.

I think you need to do the majority 6 days a week.
I’d try and work it so that neither of you need to do much on the one day off he gets.
To be fair, I’ve done this sort of arrangement and found it really very tough. It felt like the responsibility for everything fell to me and I didn’t appreciate the financial burden my partner suffered and he didn’t understand the isolation I felt.
I’d try and get a healthier balance for you both if possible.

" a lot of men if living on their own might choose not to have kids. "

Well, it's harder to have a child without a partner...

"It’s usually the woman that wants the kids."

Women might be the ones pushing because they have a timescale. And even if it's true both parents have made the children so it's not really relevant.