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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am a sahm - AIBU

438 replies

Mintchocchip35 · 08/09/2021 14:00

So dh and I have decided that I will not return to work after 2nd mat leave ends. I was previously a teacher. This is more my idea but dh is supportive either way. He runs his own business and works very long hours usually 6 days a week. He loves it and it is his passion.
So the arrangement will be my 3 year old will go to nursery 3 days a week and my 1 year old will go 1 day a week so I will have one day to myself a week. We also have a cleaner 2 hours a week. So in this instance would you consider all cooking, washing, tidying etc to fall to me even on weekends? Interested to hear your opinions.

OP posts:
LadyOfLittleLeisure · 08/09/2021 15:13

Are there any mitigating circumstances? Is anyone disabled? Do the children sleep through?

If they are "straightforward" children, no sleep issues AND you have a cleaner AND a free day in the week (although that will get swallowed with chores), this is one of the rare circumstances that I'd expect the SAHP to do most of the house chores, most of the time. DH will still need to do a bit and fully engage with DC though.

I'd also say that you must ring fence some of your time to properly relax and not be doing some form of chore, life admin or childcare all the time.

DespairingHomeowner · 08/09/2021 15:14

One point to consider is if your DH works 6 days a week and long hours, then he probably does need to just rest & zone out a lot on the 1 day off (esp if the job is physical in any way?)

Being a SAHP does not have to be all or nothing, and as a teacher you have plenty of options to keep your hand in (eg some substitute teaching/tutoring etc) - I'd want to do a little bit eg 1 day a week to keep me skilled/employable, and let the 1 year old go to nursery for an extra day (I don't disagree with you having 1 day to yourself, I think that would be great for you & the rest of the family)

If I was carrying the full financial load of a family, I really would not expect to do ANYTHING around the house at all ... maybe play with the kids if I felt like it

Hence suggesting you keep a hand in :)

MagnoliaBeige · 08/09/2021 15:14

Yep, treat being a SAHM as a full-time job so you do what you can with the house/chores/kids etc and you both get the same amount of any leftover free time.

Fink · 08/09/2021 15:14

I would expect you and the cleaner to do all the big jobs during the week so that the weekend was only meals and a bit of general tidying up after yourselves. In that case, I wouldn't expect him to do much but I wouldn't think it unreasonable that one of you cooks a meal and the other washes up, while the one without the task at the time looks after the kids. But equally, I wouldn't begrudge him a few hours to himself playing sport or something if it's literally his only down time.

Ragwort · 08/09/2021 15:15

Just how much is there to do at weekends if you are not at work and have a cleaner, apart from cooking? Confused. Only on MN do people seem to spend hours on housework... I was a SAHM for 12 years (bliss when DC was at school Grin), I got up with my DH at 7am & I could easily get my chores done, prep something for the evening meal by 9am and the day was my own Smile - even when DC was not at school ... and I didn't have a cleaner.

Maybe my standards are incredibly low .... my DH always pulled his weight at weekends, did the garden and DIY and did things with the DC ... I liked to have weekends to myself to do my own thing, not chores.

Jasmine11 · 08/09/2021 15:15

@thelegohooverer

I’m a sahm and I just don’t think it’s as cut and dried as some posters make it out.

With small dc underfoot it isn’t always possible to get everything done. Dh and I worked from the principle that while we were apart we were working as hard as each other, and when we were together we helped each other out.

When the dc were small, there were days when the housework just piled up until they were in bed. I don’t think it would be fair for him to put his feet up and watch tv leaving it all to me after I’ve had a hellish day.

And by the same token I’ve often run errands, manned phones, typed up presentations and helped out in any way I could when his working life spilled over. And if I know work is busy I’d be encouraging him to chill and relax.

His job can vary from not having a minute to think straight to days with a lot of faffing. Neither of us want the other’s job on the tough days so we work from a position of mutual respect.

But the OP's children will be in nursery some of the time and she also has a cleaner. So no need for her to struggle to do anything with small children underfoot.
Undisclosedlocation · 08/09/2021 15:15

Well you have one day a week ‘for yourself’ already.
He works 6 days out of 7

The only thing he should be doing in his one day a week is spending quality time with his family and having some time for himself if he wishes.

I’m another who can’t quite believe this is an actual question. Definitely the vast majority of the chores are down to you imo

Chotuladoo · 08/09/2021 15:15

Noooo. 50/50

Gwenhwyfar · 08/09/2021 15:15

"God I couldn't be with someone who worked long hours 6 days a week, how does he have time to have a relationship with anyone?"

Yes and there's also a difference between someone who has to do that to earn enough money and someone who chooses to.

saraclara · 08/09/2021 15:15

He works very long hours, six days a week. The one day he's at home he should be free of household tasks in order to engage with you, and more importantly, his children who only get to see him for one day a week.

Of course the housework and admin is down to you (and the cleaner).

Plumtree391 · 08/09/2021 15:16

@Summersnake

3 under 3 ,no cleaner ,no nursery ,I did 100% of everything. Wow you have it easy
I'm glad for her.
Dillyjones72 · 08/09/2021 15:16

‘ 3 under 3 ,no cleaner ,no nursery ,I did 100% of everything.
Wow you have it easy’

I wouldn’t listen to the martyrs .. my gran used to cook, clean, wash clothes, scrub her front step AND work full time in a factory… doesn’t mean I would.
And as they get older you’ll be the one running them to play dates,activities, helping them learn to read and write etc. You’ll be doing just as much, more, than your DP unsalaried and mostly unappreciated.

BathshebaAndGabriel · 08/09/2021 15:16

Of course you should do the majority.
Just as he would if he were the stay at home parent.
Do you really need to ask??

Jasmine11 · 08/09/2021 15:17

@Chotuladoo

Noooo. 50/50
So OP's husband is working 6 days a week, the children will be in nursery for some of the time and they have a cleaner - why would the husband need to do 50% of the chores and when would be have time to do that?
SpnBaby1967 · 08/09/2021 15:18

I was a SAHM for 10 years. The vast majority I did, but DH would cook and took an active role. He was happy cook on weekends, or get up with the kids (as he is an early rider anyway).

ItsNotMeAnymore · 08/09/2021 15:18

Yes!

You can cook in advance if you don’t want to meal prep at the weekend.

I was in a similar situation and I did everything around the house so that my husband could relax and interact with the kids when he was at home. He worked really hard at work, definitely harder than I worked at home so it would have been obnoxious of me to expect him to work at the time he had off. The most important thing was for him to spend time with the kids.

The main thing is to make sure you and your husband agree on how things will work.

thedancingbear · 08/09/2021 15:18

50/50. Childcare is work too. Why should he get to opt out of family life?

saraclara · 08/09/2021 15:19

@dworky

No, it's unfair for one person to do all the drudgery, unhealthy for anyone capable to not take care of their own basic needs & also for children to view one sex as the house skivvy.
The cleaner is the skivvy, surely? If the roles were reversed, and OP was the one who worked long hours six days a week and posted here that her partner expected to do housework on that one day off, she'd get a resounding LTB.
Bobsyer · 08/09/2021 15:22

Yes I would expect mostly everything to fall to you.

Islamorada · 08/09/2021 15:23

I am one. All related to kids and pet I do. Housework I have a cleaner once a week and sent the bedding and husband shirts to the laundry. I ask things to be kept tidy day to day so is keeping things up and cook but very basic and easy recipes.. Weekends we eat out but sometimes my husband cook because he likes to do it.

In my case I do not have any family here so I prefer not to work to be available for anything that can come up. Any help is pay by the hour so better to do things myself as help is not always very helpful as is a lottery.

If I were a teacher I would do tutoring online once the kids are in nursery. May be hiring help for the housekeeping.

Pebbledashery · 08/09/2021 15:23

Sorry, I have to say this.. but you are EXTREMELY FORTUNATE and YES of course the majority should fall to you!! you have more child free time in a week than I do in an entire year.
What is it that aggrieves you about picking up the lion's share of housework etc?

TheAverageUser · 08/09/2021 15:24

Yes, I think pretty much.

If he works 6 days a week then I'd expect you guys to share house stuff on the day off and he'd do more child care stuff that day because he won't have seen the kids as much.

I would expect him to clean up after himself as usual though i.e. laundry away, stuff in dishwasher etc...but particularly as you have a cleaner then you should be basically doing the domestic stuff.

Jumpingintosummer · 08/09/2021 15:25

Honestly if he’s working silly hours and six days a week I would get a cleaner in twice a week (4hrs total) if finances allow.

Looking after two little ones is hard work.

Chotuladoo · 08/09/2021 15:26

@Jasmine11

My opinion.

TheDailyCarbunkle · 08/09/2021 15:26

So your DH gets to have two children that he never has to worry about/look after, a house that is cleaned and cared for not by him (but by you and a paid cleaner), dinners cooked and the chance to pursue his passion and earn plenty of money six days a week? Sounds great, except he may look back and regret focusing so much time and energy away from his family.

It's not a setup I'd choose because there is a massive danger that you will become dogsbody with very little life of your own while your DH suits himself at all times.

I think the cleaner and nursery are total red herrings - at best they will allow you to be more available to the other adult who does little or nothing to contribute to the ongoing running of the house and family.

IMO the strict SAHP/WOHP split, especially when the WOHP works very long hours, is a very very bad idea. The children have two parents and the two parents should have a real involvement in their lives - it shouldn't be the case that one does pretty much everything while the other dips in and out in the very small amount of time they have free. In general that setup leads to partners who have very separate lives, which can build a lot of resentment and disconnection.