I am a sahm - AIBU

[Mintchocchip35]

So dh and I have decided that I will not return to work after 2nd mat leave ends. I was previously a teacher. This is more my idea but dh is supportive either way. He runs his own business and works very long hours usually 6 days a week. He loves it and it is his passion.
So the arrangement will be my 3 year old will go to nursery 3 days a week and my 1 year old will go 1 day a week so I will have one day to myself a week. We also have a cleaner 2 hours a week. So in this instance would you consider all cooking, washing, tidying etc to fall to me even on weekends? Interested to hear your opinions.

I would hate to live with a partner that chooses to work 6 days a week. Entirely different if they have to in order to bring a wage into the house but this is t the case here. What kind of life have you both got? It’s not a relationship it’s a housekeeper/childcare relationship. I would rather have less money and spent time with my husband. And I would rather he spent time with his kids too. We have choices in life. He chooses to work rather than be with his family. Lovely.

Id also think about the reason for wanting to be a SAHM, As this sounds like more hard work this and partly why I’ve stayed in work, I have full respect for SAHM I don’t think people realise how exhausting it can be. Really do think about this before you give up a career.

@holidaynearlyover

Some of these justification responses are hilarious! Yes both parents have a role in bringing up the children but if you are sending your children to nursery and getting a cleaner than what are you doing? I can see it breeding resentment in a few years when your eldest is at school and your youngest has more hours at nursery.

Bring a SAHM with two very young children at home all the time is very different to your set up. That is a hard job but you can't say it's full time when so many woman manage to work and still do all the chores etc that you don't do.

Do what you want and be happy about if but I'm a bit fed up of people peddling the argument that you have a tough ride!

Totally disagree with everything you have said here! I have two children (2 1/2 and 10 months) the oldest we kept in nursery 2 days a week for a few reasons, but actually I get very little done in the day time when I have them both, or even just the baby. I actually feel like I get more done when I have them both as the baby will entertain himself better in his sisters company. All children are not the same, it would be impractical (and impossible) for me to do a deep clean of any room/bathroom, ironing etc with them here. I know OP has a cleaner for 2 hours a week but im constantly picking up/washing up/sweeping etc but it's still a mess when hubby comes home from work and I'm mid tea prep and the kids have every toy possible all over the place, so although 2 hours would be great for bigger jobs it's hardly like she doesn't need to lift a finger the rest of the week. It's very much a full time job looking after kids, if you found it easy then great, but that's not everyone's experience. My kids have both been very clingy and held very much. Breastfeeding to sleep/contact napping etc. Even come bed time if falls to me (due to bfing) to see to the baby hourly in the night. I suspect I'll enjoy my return to work and indeed felt more energised for the housework/childcare like I did after my first. It's an absolute pleasure being a mum but it can be emotionally, physically and mind numbingly draining 🤷🏼‍♀️ my husband fully admits his days at work are easier and more predictable than my days at home and he is more than happy to muck in. After all he gets his 30 mins dinner in peace, to pee in peace, to enjoy a hot drink and gets his two hands to complete the task at hand with a wriggling baby and a I'm gonna climb on every single thing toddler 🤷🏼‍♀️ I'm beginning to wonder if my reality is completely different from others. I think this thread should come with a disclaimer of how many kids each person has and ages for reference 🤷🏼‍♀️

As usual on MN, a thread with “SAHM” in the title means people who never want to SAH or who know full-well they don’t have the option in any case will have SOOO much to say. Any SAHM thread will always teach 1000 posts. Says it all really about the insecurity and general situation for women today.

@gingerlime

As usual on MN, a thread with “SAHM” in the title means people who never want to SAH or who know full-well they don’t have the option in any case will have SOOO much to say. Any SAHM thread will always teach 1000 posts. Says it all really about the insecurity and general situation for women today.

Technically I have been SAH for the past 18 months. I still think if you can be SAH and not work and have a cleaner and afford nursery then the vast majority of house stuff should fall to you.

@gingerlime

As usual on MN, a thread with “SAHM” in the title means people who never want to SAH or who know full-well they don’t have the option in any case will have SOOO much to say. Any SAHM thread will always teach 1000 posts. Says it all really about the insecurity and general situation for women today.

Actually I think on MN it's the case that a lot of people will have done the SAH role at least temporarily - even if only during maternity leave - and certainly will have close friends or family members that are SAHPs so have quite a good insight into what it involves. So it's not surprising that many people feel they have a reasonable opinion.

Posts about parking often reach 1000 posts as well. What does that say?

@gingerlime

As usual on MN, a thread with “SAHM” in the title means people who never want to SAH or who know full-well they don’t have the option in any case will have SOOO much to say. Any SAHM thread will always teach 1000 posts. Says it all really about the insecurity and general situation for women today.

In this case, it sounds uncannily as if the OP is giving up her career not because she wants to be a SAHM, but because her husband is a messy workaholic who doesn’t pull his weight with housework or childcare, and she’s burnt out and worried about increasing resentment, so she’s taking the hit. It’s a disaster waiting to happen.

“the vast majority of house stuff should fall to you”

Well yes if you’re the only one there 6 days a week Kind of inevitable.

But what I find odd in these threads is everyone just projects their own circumstances onto the OP - “well I have x children and manage to do such and such, but not this or that.”

But nobody asks what “house stuff” even means for the OP. Eg. does she live in a modern three-bed semi where you can whizz round and get most stuff done in a couple of hours? Or does she live in a sprawling, older house which needs a lot more care and maintenance?

Also people’s concepts of housework vary massively - between someone who is OCD to someone who is just happy if the place is reasonably habitable. But nobody asks the OP what she means. They just talk about themselves and what they do . Then they will talk about the reasons they stayed at work, or went part-time or used such and such childcare arrangement - as if all jobs and marriages are the same. It’s very odd.

But what I find odd in these threads is everyone just projects their own circumstances onto the OP - “well I have x children and manage to do such and such, but not this or that.”

I don't think "everyone" has done that at all. Sure, some posters have, as an example of what did or didn't work for them, but most posters have posted something like "OP should do everything", "DH should do everything when he's not working", "OP shouldn't pick up DH's pants", "It should be 50/50 when they are both at home", "DH should prioritise family time on his day off" etc - without any reference to what they do themselves.

Also people’s concepts of housework vary massively - between someone who is OCD to someone who is just happy if the place is reasonably habitable. But nobody asks the OP what she means.

But tbh that wouldn’t really change people’s answers, would it? If the OP’s expectation is “reasonably hospitable” then it’s not a massive job on top of having a weekly cleaner, so she should do it. If the OP’s expectations are excessive and involve her exercising anxiety through extreme cleanliness…then she should do it in those circumstances too.

@UserAtLargeAgain

But what I find odd in these threads is everyone just projects their own circumstances onto the OP - “well I have x children and manage to do such and such, but not this or that.”

I don't think "everyone" has done that at all. Sure, some posters have, as an example of what did or didn't work for them, but most posters have posted something like "OP should do everything", "DH should do everything when he's not working", "OP shouldn't pick up DH's pants", "It should be 50/50 when they are both at home", "DH should prioritise family time on his day off" etc - without any reference to what they do themselves.

I agree @UserAtLargeAgain I think for reference everyone should say how many kids they have and the ages. I bet half of these people don't even have kids and make assumptions on what raising a child is like (which we all thought would be a doddle pre kids 🙈🤣). I also find people's memories are incredibly short and forget how it really was or properly have a different view on how things were to DP/DH.

Fair enough user. It just always strikes me in these threads that they can read like a stream of projection, interspersed with the odd bit of relevant advice.

Has anyone asked the OP what sort of house she even lives in? It could be a ten bed mansion for all anyone knows .

When people say - “well I did everything,” what does that even mean?

Yes

Yes you'll have to do everything from cooking to cleaning

SAHM mum to toddler here.

I do most of the housework but not all of it. DH cleans up after dinner while I put toddler to bed. We’re a team and I’m not a 24/7 slave!

To those women saying “well my house was spotless and I worked full time and never had a cleaner..” it’s a lot easier to keep your house clean if no one is in it all day!

Cleaning up after three meals and snacks, and a full days worth of playing with toys is a lot. Totally different from cleaning up after kids that don’t get home until 6, only have two meals at home and a little bit of playtime before bed.

And to those who say ‘I did everything’….well why was that?
Did your DH really never do anything like load the dishwasher after a meal, or look after the children while you went out? If not, why not?

Was it because he had been to avoid work, every other minute of time was purely devoted to his leisure? If so, why would any family (men or women in it) choose that option? It means the work is on duty 24/7 for domestic and childcare tasks.

What kid if woman is prepared to essentially wait on her DH and what kind of man is prepared to sit there when at home and let his wife do everything?

I think most agree that the bulk of housework can be done in the week. Whether that’s done by Op or by a cleaner is irrelevant really. If someone is at home in the week, there’s no need to start deep cleaning on a Sunday lunchtime…neither partner needs to be doing that. But there will always be some weekend cooking and clearing up, toys to be tidied up. Surely both parties are involved in these tasks. And honestly,anyine keeping tabs and saying ‘I tidied the toys yesterday, it must now be your turn’ or worse still ‘I was at work all week, you must now tidy the toys all the time, even when I’m sat looking at them’.

I was a SAHM for 3 years, honestly I did everything and had no time at all on my own not until nap times or bedtime. House work, garden ,animals , all childcare it was bloody hard and I did come to resent having children . When my youngest went to school I got a job and I vowed I would never be married to a house again. You definitely need a day to yourself even if it’s for a coffee out the house or you will go nuts .

OK @useratlargeagain
I have a 3 bed house, not v large, a 6 yo and 20mo twins. DH is out 8-6 and I'm SAHM.

I think everyone old enough to wear pants is old enough to put them in a washing basket.
DH largely does his own washing because he brings it down en bulk. He will put loads in of a weekend or put in tumble drier etc. I do most of it.
He will wash up after dinner and I cook.
He does DS bedtime and we go in and out to the twins between us whilst he does DS and I tidy / have 5 minutes.
I do the cleaning and all childcare whilst DH is at work.
He tidies but rarely scrubs.
He has the kids when he's home if I want to go out and vice versa.
He gets the kids bfast of a morning.

If he was working overtime so I could put DTwins in childcare 1 day a week and to pay for a cleaner a few hours a week, I'd expect to pick up more of the work because he'd be around less.

There's no "letting" him cook or wash like op mentions because it's OUR home and OUR kids. Similarly he doesn't babysit for me, he looks after his children.

Your job as a stay at home mum is to look after your children and all that entails, during normal working hours. Everything else should be shared. However, you're a team, so if that means you can do a bit more around the house while their father is at work then so be it. It absolutely does not mean you get to do everything 24/7 and it certainly does not mean your hard working husband gets to do nothing on Sunday or the evenings. His choice to work 6 days a week. Think of it as if you did go to work and you employed a nanny... what would she do and what would you both do? But get work clever... get a dishwasher, online food shop, make sure your cleaner does the chores you hate. Bulk cook meals and freeze them. If you can afford it, suggest eating out or a take-away once a week - "date night". Just make sure you get some you-time, equally though make sure you are actually pulling your weight around the house.

Yes of course

In that situation I would be happy to do all the cooking and cleaning if I were you.

You definitely need a day to yourself even if it’s for a coffee out the house or you will go nuts.

OP is getting one day to herself isn’t she?

If you can afford it, suggest eating out or a take-away once a week - "date night". Just make sure you get some you-time they have one takeout a week and one meal out a week. He offers to cook but she doesn't let him. And her kids will be in nursery one day a week. She's hardly shackled to the cooker

@chopc

What do you think you should be doing OP?

When I lived in Dubai the majority of women who couldn't possibly work had full time maids at home and their kids were in school full time. They possibly couldn't fit work in around their lunches, guests, salon visits etc

What’s the relevance of these women to this thread? Just to have a dig at SAHMs?

There are lazy people in all walks of life.

Similarly he doesn't babysit for me, he looks after his children

Well put indeed! This phrase can be applied to many situations.