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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I am a sahm - AIBU

438 replies

Mintchocchip35 · 08/09/2021 14:00

So dh and I have decided that I will not return to work after 2nd mat leave ends. I was previously a teacher. This is more my idea but dh is supportive either way. He runs his own business and works very long hours usually 6 days a week. He loves it and it is his passion.
So the arrangement will be my 3 year old will go to nursery 3 days a week and my 1 year old will go 1 day a week so I will have one day to myself a week. We also have a cleaner 2 hours a week. So in this instance would you consider all cooking, washing, tidying etc to fall to me even on weekends? Interested to hear your opinions.

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 13/09/2021 20:22

"There are lazy people in all walks of life."

These aren't particularly lazy, just rich. Rich women have always done that.

trixie1970 · 18/09/2021 22:26

Absolutely right, yes. Your poor husband must be exhausted working 6 days every week!

Foxglovers · 19/09/2021 14:55

@trixie1970 hardly poor husband. I think looking after children full time is pretty exhausting!

EspressoDoubleShot · 19/09/2021 14:58

Actually it’s 2 children one of whom goes to nursery 3 day a week, other goes 1 day a week plus she has a cleaner. That’s not arduous that’s a bit of a doss compared to husband who works a 6 day week and has sole responsibility for being the wage earner

EspressoDoubleShot · 19/09/2021 15:00

Mistyped it’s 3 kids, 2 attend nursery and baby with the op
Cleaner and nursery it’s still pretty skooshy
Her dp works 6 day a week

RealBecca · 19/09/2021 15:23

No.

3x dayf for 3 year old are free and if he works 6 days then frankly you deserve a break.

EspressoDoubleShot · 19/09/2021 15:24

I’m alluding to op child free time, not the cost. She’s got a skooshy deal

Hesma · 19/09/2021 19:28

👍 yes

Dandy0911 · 19/09/2021 19:50

Yes definitely. Especially with nursery involved and a cleaner.

VestaTilley · 19/09/2021 20:18

Yes absolutely if your DH works six days a week and you’re getting a day at home to yourself once a week.

Your DH should be doing a bit on his one day off a week, just to set a good example for your children, but you ought to be doing the lions share.

EspressoDoubleShot · 19/09/2021 20:40

Should the op also work then to set a good example for the children
Supply Teach on her days off?

holidaynearlyover · 19/09/2021 22:50

@EspressoDoubleShot

Should the op also work then to set a good example for the children Supply Teach on her days off?
Supply teaching has become really difficult (well it has around here). It's all HLTAs now so I've not seen a supply teacher in years! Not that OP wants to do it, it just doesn't seem to be an option any more
Skysblue · 19/09/2021 23:32

Similar situation, although no cleaner.

Washing laundry yes, I do all of it.

Cooking I do 90%, he does ‘special’ meals sometimes, but bit randomly. When my daughter was a baby/toddler, DH did all the cooking at weekends. He never did a night waking though and there were several a night for many years. So it depends on your situation. (If you’re up all night with a screaming baby you have basically worked all night and shouldn’t be expected to do 100% of the house stuff in the day! Butnif your child sleeps through, it may make sense.)

Clearing up is more blurred… It’s very important for your relationship that one of you isn’t constantly cleaning up after the other. I had to train DH that I will empty laundry basket, but I will not walk around the house collecting his dirty laundry from wherever he feels like leaving it. Similarly I’ll do the dishwasher load / unload / wash the stuff that can’t go through it, but I won’t collect his empty plates and cups from wherever around the house he feels like leaving them. I won’t rehang his towel if he lives it in a damp pile on the floor. Etc.

Being a SAHM is wonderful when they’re a baby/toddler, but it can slowly damage your relationship, as your husband becomes part of your job and another thing constantly demanding food / needing to be cleaned up after. Similarly the working partner may find themselves less attracted to their food-stained partner who now lives in PJs. It’s all very unsexy stuff on both sides.

Not saying don’t do it - it’s wonderful for the children and very stabilising for the family and I don’t know how we’d have survived 2020 if we’d both been working - but discuss and agree what’s fair re money and housework in advance, and if you see the situation damaging your relationship do consider changing things. Also watch out for isolation and depression they creep up on you when you don’t have colleagues/income and no one ever says thanks or well done and strangers constantly imply you’re lazy.

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