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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be quite embarrassed by this

270 replies

bluepurplepinkyellow · 07/09/2021 11:37

Been with dp 11 years, have dc together, Aibu to feel embarrassed that we aren't married or even engaged?

Not that this has anything to do with marriage but he owns the house he brought it on his own, we had brought a house together ( he inherited a lot of money, which is the only reason he could buy ) but when dd was 2 weeks old he asked me to sign a deed of trust to protect his money and then when I realised what I had signed I asked him why he felt he needed to do this as I have no intention of interest in " his money " we were very much together and In love or so I thought, I decided that when I we moved and sold the old house I wanted to be either together and equal or to allow him to buy it alone without me owning about 7000 of it and feeling like it was only part my home. It was clear from the start it was more his house, we've moved now and it just feels really off that I'm just his girlfriend living in his house that doesn't feel like we are in it together, Aibu to feel embarrassed by this ?

OP posts:
Aprilx · 07/09/2021 11:41

I don’t think embarrassed is the right word, but I certainly wouldn’t be happy and would not have put up with it.

twinningatlife · 07/09/2021 11:44

It will be looked on differently of course because I'm a woman but if I inherited a lot of money/assets and owned property before meeting my partner I would also protect it by way of a trust/pre nup etc

Love doesn't mean anything once a relationship breaks down especially when children are involved and a new partner comes along and starts saying about how much someone is "owed"

My ethos has always been hope for best but plan for worst but I also refused to have children with (now) DH unless we were married

we all have to take responsibility for our own lives and you should have made you wants/needs etc clear well before now

Hoppinggreen · 07/09/2021 11:44

Don’t be embarrassed, be worried

CanofCant · 07/09/2021 11:44

I'd be very worried and pissed off, not embarrassed.

RuthTopp · 07/09/2021 11:44

I wouldn't feel you need to be embarrassed by it . More concerned .
You are in quite a perilous situation , not married , no stake in the house you are living in. Do you work ? Do you pay any household bills ? Do you have independent savings ?
Has your dp made a will and left you the house , his pension or anything like that ? Do you see yourselves getting married ?
All questions you should be asking yourself.

MarshmallowSwede · 07/09/2021 11:44

You can always bring up marriage. Either way you can ask to be put on the house. After 11 years there should not be any issues to getting married. You’re together and have children. Nothing would change but your surname if you want to change that.

workshy44 · 07/09/2021 11:45

Do you own the house together ?Do you work fulltime ? If not you are in a very vulnerable position. I would be issuing an ultimatum here, marriage or it is over. You need to start protecting yourself.

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/09/2021 11:47

There’s nothing embarrassing about not being married, if neither of you want to be. If you want to be married then you need to discuss it with him; and if ultimately he doesn’t want to marry you it’s time to move on. You don’t have to accept it if you don’t want to.

I think your view on sharing finances on marriage is different depending on whether you’re the partner with assets and money to protect or the partner without them. Everyone thinks they’d have no interest in somebody else’s money when they’re in love and the relationship is going well; they often change their tune when it ends and they realise they could their hands on some cash after all.

Original poster
bluepurplepinkyellow · 07/09/2021 11:48

No he owns the house. I'm nothing to do with the house only live there with him and dc, I have spoken to him about marriage and even suggested we just go and get married without al the faff but he says just cuz we're not married it doesn't mean that he doesn't want to he just hasn't asked yet, I don't work yet but will once dc are in school, we wouldn't be able to afford childcare.
If it was the other way round we would have been in it together what's mine is his kinda thing I feel very below him

OP posts:
Ghostsintheshelf · 07/09/2021 11:49

It feels unfair. Once kids come along, it's so often the woman's career that takes the hit, so the fact that your partner is still guarding his finances from you is a bit worrying. What's the relationship like generally? Does he pull his weight? Whose surname do the kids have?

Hekatestorch · 07/09/2021 11:50

I wouldn't be embarrassed.

But I would be concerned. Do you work? Full time? If you don't work FT whose decision was it to reduce your hours/give up work.

Me and dp live in my house and I absolutely would not let him have half of it, In exchange for him putting in a small amount of money.

Difference is, I haven't expected him to give up work to look after a joint child and not share our assets.

Original poster
bluepurplepinkyellow · 07/09/2021 11:50

Dc have my surname and his as a middle name I didn't double barrel them and changed their name once I realised he wasn't going to propose any time soon

OP posts:
Ghostsintheshelf · 07/09/2021 11:50

Oh just saw you've given up work to look after his kids. Yep, definitely unfair. And the thing about him not having asked "yet" - we'll, he wouldn't, would he? He's got everything how he wants it.

Original poster
bluepurplepinkyellow · 07/09/2021 11:51

Can I just say this has nothing to do with money it's more the feeling equal I just don't feel equal to him and that really feels horrible

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 07/09/2021 11:51

We got engaged at 8 years and married at 10 and ds was born 2 years later.

I'd want a commitment OP.

Regularsizedrudy · 07/09/2021 11:52

The only thing currently standing between you and poverty is his good mood. Think about that.

Original poster
bluepurplepinkyellow · 07/09/2021 11:53

@Regularsizedrudy what do you mean ? Sorry I don't understand

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 07/09/2021 11:53

Yeah I’m not aligned with others opinions. It’s not unfair you’re not entitled to his money or his home and if the genders were reversed you’d be called a cock lodger and ripped to shreds.

You’re personally responsible for your own decisions. He is quite right to protect himself. And if my daughter put more to a house than a partner I’d one hundred percent encourage her to do the exact same.

The marriage thing is different. If you wish to marry then take the discussion separately. But you chose this path.

You need to get on yout pwn feet financially. You’re an unmarried mother. You need to find a job, childcare costs need to be split, and you need to protect yout own financial future.

workshy44 · 07/09/2021 11:54

Oh god, he could turf you all out on the street and you could do nothing about it. You have no job or means of supporting yourself and all he has to do is pay child maintenance.
You need to take action NOW. Do you want to be in this position in another 11 years when he has traded you in for a younger model
Seriously this is just awful. You need a serious conversation with him and don't be fobbed off with the its just a piece of paper crap either

Thanksihateit · 07/09/2021 11:54

It was so important to me to make sure everything we do was split. We had a joint account (and kept our own personal accounts) for bills and rent etc when we first moved in together years ago - when we bought our first house, both names went on the deeds. I could not conceive doing it any other way.

How has it never come up before that your name isn’t on the house you live in with your child?

ditalini · 07/09/2021 11:54

I think if you don't want to get married then it would be worth having a conversation about what happens in the event that:

  • your partner dies
  • you die
  • your relationship breaks down irrevocably and you want to split

At the very minimum you need to think about that first option.

Bluntness100 · 07/09/2021 11:55

Also how old are your kids? When do free nursery hours kick in? You can work then and split the cost of any further care.

VodselForDinner · 07/09/2021 11:55

I don’t know if I’d say “embarrassed”, but I think I’d be very angry at myself, and with him, to a lesser extent.

Original poster
bluepurplepinkyellow · 07/09/2021 11:55

Sorry should have said he hasn't made a will either

OP posts:
pickingdaisies · 07/09/2021 11:56

You say it's not about the money. But for your partner, it's ALL about the money. Otherwise you would be on the deeds or married by now. You need to get out of this hole you are in. If he ended the relationship now, you'd have nothing. Start by getting a job. Now. You need to protect yourself.