To be quite embarrassed by this

[bluepurplepinkyellow]

Been with dp 11 years, have dc together, Aibu to feel embarrassed that we aren't married or even engaged?

Not that this has anything to do with marriage but he owns the house he brought it on his own, we had brought a house together ( he inherited a lot of money, which is the only reason he could buy ) but when dd was 2 weeks old he asked me to sign a deed of trust to protect his money and then when I realised what I had signed I asked him why he felt he needed to do this as I have no intention of interest in " his money " we were very much together and In love or so I thought, I decided that when I we moved and sold the old house I wanted to be either together and equal or to allow him to buy it alone without me owning about 7000 of it and feeling like it was only part my home. It was clear from the start it was more his house, we've moved now and it just feels really off that I'm just his girlfriend living in his house that doesn't feel like we are in it together, Aibu to feel embarrassed by this ?

You are on such a perilous position. A de-skilled woman with a child dependent on the good will of a man.

I've not read the whole thread so apologise if someone has already said this.

You're not married and have nothing in writing to give you any claim on the house.

If you were to split up you would have absolutely no claim on the property. You would be able to apply for child maintenance because the child is biologically his but even if he says things like "you'll be fine because even though we're not married you've lived with me for x years so are my common law wife", actually in law these means absolutely nothing.

Get your name put on the house, utility bills etc, or get out because it seems clear to me that this man is doing exactly the same as my ex did - I got absolutely nothing when we split up!

@Harmonypuss - yes, that’s all been covered in the 11 pages of replies 😉

Why on Earth would she want to start taking on liability for utilities though? 🤨

@bluepurplepinkyellow

No he owns the house. I'm nothing to do with the house only live there with him and dc, I have spoken to him about marriage and even suggested we just go and get married without al the faff but he says just cuz we're not married it doesn't mean that he doesn't want to he just hasn't asked yet, I don't work yet but will once dc are in school, we wouldn't be able to afford childcare. If it was the other way round we would have been in it together what's mine is his kinda thing I feel very below him

So you have no income and no stake in the home you live in. I think you need to really look at this because I'd he ends your relationship you will have no way to support yourself.

Please get some legal advice.

OP, you sound like you genuinely don't understand your legal position here. Fair enough. But, the best thing to do, when you need to understand something important, is to get proper advice. Please, see a solicitor, who will explain your vulnerability and the unfairness of your current situation.

With information, you can plan and take action. Don't ignore things or opt for the apparently easy solutions, be an adult and take control of your own life.

I am in a very different financial position to OP but this thread has got me wondering if I need to make some changes too…..
I am unmarried, living in DP’s house, with DC and pregnant with another. DP pays all bills and mortgage and I am not on the deeds.
He pays 60% of childcare and other joint expenses like meals out, I pay 40% (this is in proportion to our incomes).
DP also has a rental property which he is intending to use in lieu of pension, as he is self employed and doesn’t have a company pension.
I have a company pension, albeit modest. I also have a 1 bedroom flat in London which I pay the mortgage on and rent out.
We both have separate investments and savings as well as the joint account which pays for DC and other family expenses.
We have mirror wills that we did together with a solicitor which mean we leave everything to each other if one of us dies, and then to the children etc. DP has also taken out life insurance to protect me and DC if he dies.
I have nominated DP for my death in service benefit from my company (2 years annual salary).
So we are not at all on the breadline and I wouldn’t be homeless and destitute if we split; my only concern really is living in his house and not having my name on the deeds and the fact that we are not married (we said we would get married at some point but I didn’t want to wait longer to have DC as I was 38 and he was 45 when we had our first DC so we prioritised that).
Should I be pushing for marriage soon after the birth of our second DC? Should I be getting my name on the deed of his house and/or contributing to that mortgage and bills? The current arrangement is probably cheaper for me in the short term but not as secure in the long term.

I should add that we both work 4 days a week and each look after DC one weekday per week, despite him earning more than me.
Childcare and household/garden chores are pretty equally split.
Also his father just died and he stands to inherit some additional properties as his father was a landlord - so he will soon have significantly more assets than me.

@Cocomarine

Apologies for not reading all 11 pages.

You ask why the OP should take on responsibility for utilities, well, my solicitor informed me that if I'd been able to "PROVE" that is had responsibility for some of the household bills (mortgage, utilities etc) I would have had a better chance of being able to get something or of my time in the relationship. Being the person who pays for childcare, clothing, petrol and food are apparently not enough.

In my case, I was spending double what he was every month on running the household but he got to keep the house, the children and I got nothing.

That's why the OP needs to get her name on some bills.

I would also advise her to check whether he's put her on the electoral roll too because these crafty ba**ds will do anything to make it look as though you've had no connection to the house at all.

•Harmonypuss•
But in this case the OP decided not to go on the deeds. The previous joint property sold, and instead of jointly buying with a deed of trust the OP decided she was better with the seven grand as an escape fund. This is about the sharing of inheritance and the imbalance of one partners wealth. As the house has only just been bought there would be little claim and little if any income to pay the bills.

No you shouldn’t be embarrassed, worried for yourself and hurt by your partners lack of consideration for you and money grabbing priorities over you.

I didn’t have a lot of money but had a modest house and when I got together with my now married partner, after we became serious but before marriage I realised this would be a terrible situation to be contributing in money and effort and not have any stability or asset, so I went to the solicitor and drew up a simple statement between us that said well nobody needs to know but gave assurance, I was never asked for this but it was just the right thing to do

I feel like I would want to protect my assets too TBH OP. Money is hard earned easily lost. Equally have your own savings.

@seaandsandcastles

YANBU. It shows a lack of commitment and I wouldn’t put up with it.

Agreed, I wouldn't tolerate this either.😫 For me it would have been discussed and agreed properly before committing to move in. No commitment, no moving in. Finally, I would have sought legal advice before proceeding with this arrangement to protect myself.

I think he is being unfair expecting you too bring up the children and not making you feel secure. I would talk to him and tell him how you feel. If you want marriage tell him. As per a previous post you are in a very vulnerable position if he does decide to leave and your name is not on the mortgage or your not married.

Can I just say this has nothing to do with money it's more the feeling equal I just don't feel equal to him and that really feels horrible

^

It has EVERYTHING to do with money and you know it. Life isn't a fairy story

Covidconfuse I think you should push for marriage, but I think everyone in a relationship with kids (unless there is abuse) should get married so if anything happens to one of you, there is protection for the children. Congrats on the pregnancy!

@tillytown

Covidconfuse I think you should push for marriage, but I think everyone in a relationship with kids (unless there is abuse) should get married so if anything happens to one of you, there is protection for the children. Congrats on the pregnancy!

Or they can just both be financially self sufficient and make wills..

Thanks @tillytown and @bluntness100 - I think you are probably right re pushing for marriage but more for the equal pooling of assets. As we already have wills / life insurance / death in service benefit sorted, are the children not adequately protected already? I feel like marriage would potentially help me rather than children in the long run?

Embarrassed? At allowing myself to let him have everything he wants with no career or other financial security for myself? Maybe.
But I think your overriding emotion should be fear. As @Regularsizedrudy points out, your entire life is dependant on him staying happy with you. If that ever changes, you'll be left with absolutely nothing. You're in a very precarious position.
And he hasn't asked you to marry him yet? He's clearly not going to be asking any time soon. You need to get this sorted.

I would advise you to push for marriage