To be quite embarrassed by this

[bluepurplepinkyellow]

Been with dp 11 years, have dc together, Aibu to feel embarrassed that we aren't married or even engaged?

Not that this has anything to do with marriage but he owns the house he brought it on his own, we had brought a house together ( he inherited a lot of money, which is the only reason he could buy ) but when dd was 2 weeks old he asked me to sign a deed of trust to protect his money and then when I realised what I had signed I asked him why he felt he needed to do this as I have no intention of interest in " his money " we were very much together and In love or so I thought, I decided that when I we moved and sold the old house I wanted to be either together and equal or to allow him to buy it alone without me owning about 7000 of it and feeling like it was only part my home. It was clear from the start it was more his house, we've moved now and it just feels really off that I'm just his girlfriend living in his house that doesn't feel like we are in it together, Aibu to feel embarrassed by this ?

You’ve read a post that disagrees with mine 🤷‍♀️ As for talking nonsense…you have the floor…

@Mybestgirl

You’ve read a post that disagrees with mine 🤷‍♀️ As for talking nonsense…you have the floor…

Goodness, another absolute zinger. How on earth shall I recover.

I saw an entire thread that flatly contradicts everything you're saying, much like the whole frigging site does. That's what happens when you talk risible, facile and baseless rubbish with no regard for context.

Women are always right? Let me guess, you also think it's a nest of vipers where women constantly spit on each other?

You do see a lot of threads like this one, because it happens to women way, way more than it does to men. You do not see many threads at all where a working mother is urged to absolutely fuck over the SAHD of their shared children with no share in the house or any financial security. Partly because there aren't so many SAHDs (part of the point, you see) and partly because, for all its faults, MN simply isn't in the business of wanting SAHPs to get fucked over. You sometimes see a thread where a woman in more complicated circumstances is advised to protect herself, like men are very good at doing. Is that an issue for you?

If your response to all this is the deeply considered pearl of wisdom that "this is MN where women are always right and men are always wrong", well...I guess Bluntness didn't want the bridge I'm selling, do you?

It isn’t irrelevant. Women on here are constantly being told their partners are cocklodgers…to ring fence their own money etc. But of course this is MN where women are always right and men are always wrong, I was forgetting…
But those posts are about cocklodgers: men who don’t work or do the childcare or do the household physical and emotional labour, while the female working parent works full time and does 100% of everything else, too. It’s irrelevant here because OP isn’t the equivalent of a cocklodger – a fannylodger? She’s providing the childcare for pre-school children. She doesn’t specify the split of chores, sure, but she’s hardly taking the piss.

Hi @bluepurplepinkyellow

Just hopping back onto the thread to see whether you're OK... threads often seem to get sidetracked with folk debating scenarios among themselves and forgetting about the OP.

PLEASE do get some legal advice to help you work out where you stand. As most on here have said (and I hope you understand now), it's simply unacceptable that your long-term partner with whom you have children should leave you so financially vulnerable.

Maybe speak to Citizens Advice and Women's Aid. Explain your situation, right from the beginning. Hopefully they can point you in the right direction. Good luck

Time to start protecting yourself financially by building your career, saving and making sure he pays his fair share if that hasn’t been the case so far. This guy’s behaviour suggests he has no intention of marrying you and has made sure to protect his assets so that when you realise this and try to walk away you’ll be entitled to nothing aside from child maintenance.

How is your relationship aside from the financial aspect?

As others have already said, I wouldn’t be embarrassed I would be concerned.

Unmarried relationship 25 years, dc. We are both on the mortgage despite us paying different amounts (in capital/deposit and monthly payments) it just feels fair to me. I’m the higher earner though so possibly too kind for my own good.

I don't think you are protecting yourself here OP and it seems that you put all your trust in him (not working, not on the Deeds, providing all childcare) whilst he puts absolutely no trust in you (thus the Deed of Trust).

He needs to make a will. Otherwise he will leave you and his children with nothing if he dies.

Does sound quite a casual relationship. Could you buy a flat and rent it out. If split up, you could end up being screwed financially.

@pollymere

He needs to make a will. Otherwise he will leave you and his children with nothing if he dies.

If he died unmarried with no will, surely at least some of his money would go to his children?

Make sure you have a decent bank account.
Perhaps get a buy to let just in case. Best of luck

I hate the term "partner". It sounds like a business arrangement. Girlfriend is more natural. (Totally off subject, I know).

[quote bluepurplepinkyellow]@Regularsizedrudy what do you mean ? Sorry I don't understand [/quote]
She means you’re out on your ear if he suddenly decides he wants to end your relationship. However, there is precedent for partners/main child carers to be allowed to remain in the (previously) family home until the kids are 18.
We live in Scotland and here there is ‘common law’ status afforded to people who prove they lived together for 2+ years. It splits all of the assets gained in that time 50/50 including any equity that’s built up in the property. My DH bought our house and paid the deposit about 5 months before we got married, legally making the property his & his alone as it was acquired before we married. I was just finishing Uni so I was of no use on a mortgage application. I have always paid half the main bills but he earned more so he paid for food shopping (& the wine!). I spent a lot of years feeling resentful of his laziness to change the situation; he has never denied me the opportunity to be on the house deeds, life just kept getting in the way. Nevertheless I always had to wait for him to start the process which was irritating and it came to a head one night and I was so upset he got quite a shock. Typical bloke hadnt realised the type of feelings the raised in me because blokes have the emotional range of a teaspoon. I have a better job now and recently paid for a small extension so we could have an extra loo and a utility, it’s me who pays for property upgrades because I like the place to look nice whereas he could live in a tent, he sorts out the appliances and we split property repairs. I’m now on the house deeds after many years as well as being married so I feel like I’m in a better financial position all round. I think you should be really blunt about how it makes you feel so unequal as men are shocking at taking hints generally speaking. If nothing else, you will probably find out where you REALLY stand in your relationship.

@RandomLondoner

This is a reply to the posters who think marriage should be demanded.

I think there's nothing wrong with asking a man hand over half his present and future money, by marrying you, if he wants to continue being with you. He can say yes or no as he sees fit. What I think is wrong is asking with a sense of angry entitlement, as if he would be doing something wrong by saying no. (If he is looking out for his own interest, he almost certainly should say no.)

Marriage means legally committing at the start to potentially handing over half of everything. He may think love makes it worthwhile, but the law will only enforce what he owes under this contract, it won't ensure he'll get what he was expecting in return.

I’ve no idea why you even bothered writing that. What a waste of calories

Your choice not to be married first before children, you have no rights. Just forget about it.

@mayblossominapril

It may be worth seeking advice about the document you signed as you did so without legal advice and only 2 weeks PP. Seek advice before you mention anything to him. Also start adding to you savings pot. If you have complete access to the joint account draw out a little bit more cash every week and get it in a savings account. Sell second hand stuff you don't need and save the cash. Start looking for a job and make sure the child care bill comes out of the household expenses. Keep your head and play a longer game

This is absolutely the best advice you’re going to get on here. There are some choices you’ve made I don’t agree with; you’re not trapped in a property as you described because it can always be sold, that kind of thing but…you should follow Mayblossominapril’s advice TO THE LETTER. Don’t let yourself be dragged down by this, get your legal advice (google is your friend in the first instance) and then have that honest conversation with him. Whatever happens after that is something you will at least have some control of because you will have made decisions based on facts and legal advice.

@bluepurplepinkyellow

This is quite difficult for me to be honest. I've been with partner for 18 years. I've earned/saved significantly more than him. He's got his own assets but there is a part of me that wants to protect mine.

BUT...children change that. You either get married (sensible) or you sit down with a solicitor and sort out all the wills to ensure fairness. You ensure your wills are rock solid. You protect the children.

I'd see a solicitor alone and figure out a way forward

Don't be embarrassed, be spitting furious - if you ever split up you will be entitled to nothing - are you insane - he is financially abusing you

The only legal advice the OP could get is if the joined house was somehow underhand. As the OP took her seven thousand of equity and chose not to invest it in this house. The deed of trust (last one) is irrelevant as the OP withdrew from the purchase. The OPs leverage was in the sale of the joint house and buying of the new one, when a solicitor could have negotiated for her interests. The OP lost equity for the costs of selling for no benefit to her and subsidised the cost of moving for her boyfriend who now has his own property.

You need to have a serious conversation with your partner as, legally, you are in a very difficult position if he was to die, became incapacitated or just moved on to other pastures. If I was you, I would write down all your thoughts and concerns, have a copy yourself, ask for his comments and write them down. However for me, the lack of a legal commitment would make me ask myself if he was waiting for someone 'better' to come along. That sounds terribly brutal but you do need to wonder why he won't marry you.

As long as your happy. That's all that matters x

I would say either you want to be legally married or you’re returning to work and he needs to take on 50% of the childcare and chores. You’re foolish to leave yourself and your children so financially vulnerable if anything happened to him. You’d have to move out of the family home into something smaller just to pay for inheritance tax while you’re all grieving.

@iamprobablynotyourcupoftea

As long as your happy. That's all that matters x

Uh? But isn’t the whole point of the thread that OP isn’t happy?

Get a job and invest in your own assets. Only pay your fair share towards household bills. If he wants the asset, he pays for it but use your money to pay for your own security.

OP there is almost unanimity here. You need to start working if he is unwilling to marry you. Do not be fobbed off with childcare costs. If you can't afford it you both go part time and split the burden. At the moment you are effectively funding his house (by providing free childcare) which you will have no right to.

And please don't miss the point some have made about the wills. Why hasn't he made one to protect you and your children? Even if he wants 'to propose' there is nothing to wait for there. His hesitation speaks volumes. I am sorry for this blunt advice, but I think you need to ask yourself seriously how much he genuinely cares for you and his children. What a horrible position for you to be in.