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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be quite embarrassed by this

270 replies

bluepurplepinkyellow · 07/09/2021 11:37

Been with dp 11 years, have dc together, Aibu to feel embarrassed that we aren't married or even engaged?

Not that this has anything to do with marriage but he owns the house he brought it on his own, we had brought a house together ( he inherited a lot of money, which is the only reason he could buy ) but when dd was 2 weeks old he asked me to sign a deed of trust to protect his money and then when I realised what I had signed I asked him why he felt he needed to do this as I have no intention of interest in " his money " we were very much together and In love or so I thought, I decided that when I we moved and sold the old house I wanted to be either together and equal or to allow him to buy it alone without me owning about 7000 of it and feeling like it was only part my home. It was clear from the start it was more his house, we've moved now and it just feels really off that I'm just his girlfriend living in his house that doesn't feel like we are in it together, Aibu to feel embarrassed by this ?

OP posts:
Annoyedanddissapointed · 07/09/2021 12:13

I have spoken to him about marriage and even suggested we just go and get married without al the faff but he says just cuz we're not married it doesn't mean that he doesn't want to he just hasn't asked yet,

You did ask and he said no.

ShrimpBarbarian · 07/09/2021 12:14

@bluepurplepinkyellow

No he owns the house. I'm nothing to do with the house only live there with him and dc, I have spoken to him about marriage and even suggested we just go and get married without al the faff but he says just cuz we're not married it doesn't mean that he doesn't want to he just hasn't asked yet, I don't work yet but will once dc are in school, we wouldn't be able to afford childcare. If it was the other way round we would have been in it together what's mine is his kinda thing I feel very below him
If you are not married, you MUST go back to work. It doesnt matter what you do, and if child care is not covered, then he will have to look at changing his hours or similar - other people manage.

You cannot rely on him without marriage, if this relationship fails, you will be left with nothing and no job.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 07/09/2021 12:14

Don't be an unmarried sahm with no ownership of major assets.
If he wants to protect his inheritance, that's up to him. If he doesn't want to get married, well, you can't make him. But you use that information to ensure that you aren't left with no job, no assets and no entitlement to anything. You need to work and get your own money. Childcare costs be split between you, childcare and housework split between you.
Otherwise you could well find yourself ten years down the line, he wants out and you have nothing.

supermoonrising · 07/09/2021 12:16

@OrangeTortoise
You need to go back to work OP if he won't marry you, and make sure he pays his share of childcare. Otherwise you're in an incredibly vulnerable position financially speaking

That about sums it up I’d say. If he won’t share his financial assets you shouldn’t be providing him with free child care. It needs to be give and take - right now it’s take and take.

Parttimemostofthetime · 07/09/2021 12:17

You are in a really shit situation.

You have asked him marry you and he has said no

You need to ask him to organise his will, you need to find work and start protecting yourself.

Whatthechicken · 07/09/2021 12:17

It’s not just the assets OP. You’ve taken the hit on your career, earning potential and pension contributions and yet if the relationship breaks down you walk away with nothing apart from CM and (probably) little people to clothe, house and feed. I don’t blame him for protecting his assets and inheritance, but it seems this concern has only gone one way, he has still continued his career with no loss of earnings and presumably still payed into his pension pot.

SylvanasWindrunner · 07/09/2021 12:19

@bluepurplepinkyellow

No he owns the house. I'm nothing to do with the house only live there with him and dc, I have spoken to him about marriage and even suggested we just go and get married without al the faff but he says just cuz we're not married it doesn't mean that he doesn't want to he just hasn't asked yet, I don't work yet but will once dc are in school, we wouldn't be able to afford childcare. If it was the other way round we would have been in it together what's mine is his kinda thing I feel very below him
Oh dear, I missed this. Yes, that doesn't sound good Sad I think you need an honest discussion where you say that marriage is a non-negotiable for you and either you start arranging it or you will need to take steps to protect yourself financially. What happened to the money from your old house?
WimpoleHat · 07/09/2021 12:20

You say it's not about the money. But for your partner, it's ALL about the money.

This. With bells on. Nothing to be embarrassed about, OP - everything to be bloody careful about though….

Dashel · 07/09/2021 12:20

Get back to work ASAP and even if that means working online see the £10 a day thread on the money board or part time evenings and weekends. If he breaks up with you then you are not in a great position.

Personally I would be unhappy and worried about your situation, but I realise that if you push too far you might end up making a break up more likely. Have you sat down and calmly told him how you feel?

I would make sure that I opened a savings account that he didn’t know about and put any extras you have or make in that. Something online only and not tied into a current bank, maybe Premium Bonds where the winnings are set to reinvested. This would be my rainy day fund. After all, the house is going up and up in value every year.

Whatever you do, don’t be tempted to be spending all your cash on holidays or furniture whilst his goes on the house as otherwise in the event of a split, you will be left with memories and furniture which will have massively decreased in value.

supermoonrising · 07/09/2021 12:21

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves
Precisely. As I understand it, it is only quite recently that marriage has been understood as primarily about “love” (at least in the West). Until about about fifty years ago it was principally and correctly perceived as a legal financial contract for the purpose of protecting two individuals/families.

He’s not not marrying because he doesn’t love you, it’s because he doesn’t want to financially protect you. I’d ask myself whether I was ok with that - and also what the fact that he is happy with this set up says about his moral values.

Wineandroses3 · 07/09/2021 12:21

I agree with regularsizedrudy. You’re a bit vulnerable. What would happen if he went off with another woman? Where would that leave you accommodation wise? I think you would probably still have some rights over the house but ultimately it’s all in his name. Your providing all the childcare so you cannot work. I’m sure some solicitors give a free half hour consultation, can’t you go and see one and keep it quiet, but just find out where you stand. Also, if something bad was to happen to him who would get the house . If you are not his wife I’m not even sure you’re his next of kin? Would it go to his parents? I know it’s not romantic but I’m sure you have more rights if u are married x

CyclingIsNotOuting · 07/09/2021 12:22

I live in my (now) DH’s house. He owns it and it’s his name on the deeds.
We had been together more then 10yrs when our DC was born. I agreed to be a Sahp on the condition we married.
We did marry. Everything remains in his name but I feel more comfortable about my own position.
Push for marriage if that’s what you want.

mumofone2019 · 07/09/2021 12:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

burritofan · 07/09/2021 12:22

Have you ever made contributions to this house or the last one – mortgage payments, major improvements (ie more than maintenance, wear and tear repairs, decoration) that increased its value? I’m in your DP’s position and of course I organised a deed of trust to protect my money in the event of a split. Ours was drawn up by a solicitor and contains a complex equation to work out the division of the asset based not only on that initial investment, but also who paid more purchase costs and the stamp duty, mortgage payments, and renovation contributions. It’s not as simple as just the deposit.

I wouldn’t be embarrassed in your position – my DP isn’t embarrassed in his, just because I inherited and he hasn’t yet – but I’d be very worried. House prices constantly increase so your partner is sitting on an asset that gets more valuable and earns him more equity all the time, while home ownership is getting further from your grasp.

Do the two of you talk money at all? At some point you have to stop thinking about it all “la la la but we’re in love, what’s mine is yours” and get serious about what would happen in the event of a split.

brokenbiscuitsx · 07/09/2021 12:24

It depends OP, DP and I were together almost 10 years before getting engaged. We were both in Uni at the time and then went on to do masters and a PhD and didn’t want to be just engaged when we weren’t in a position to pay for a wedding. Then we got jobs and started saving everything we had for a house fed posit, so again, no spare money. Now we’ve got our house and are engaged and planning a wedding.

Lots of people were a bit Confused but it suited us and that’s all that mattered Smile

Wheresmybiscuit3 · 07/09/2021 12:24

I couldn’t live like this OP. My husband and I got married and we put my name on the mortgage etc even though he had the house before we met.

I’m not sure he’s being very fair to you.

It sounds like you are sacrificing everything and him nothing

PheasantsNest · 07/09/2021 12:25

You have put yourself in a very silly position. He doesn't want to marry you and doesn't even want to share his property with you. Too many women put themselves at risk.

AlyssasBackRolls · 07/09/2021 12:27

Marriage isn't handing over half of everything. It can be handing over more than half if your spouse earns a lot less and I'm not saying that as an accusation of grabbiness, it's because it's not fair for a dependent partner to be struggling when their spouse is not.

I'd urge you to press for marriage. It'll give you the protection you need and whilst I don't think it overwrites a deed of trust a court will take a lot of things into account and good legal advice will get you a fair deal.

As others have said you're dependent and in a vulnerable position, entirely dependent on his wants and needs.

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/09/2021 12:28

I’d ask myself whether I was ok with that - and also what the fact that he is happy with this set up says about his moral values.

The argument for financial protection through marriage is usually that the partner doing the bulk of the childcare has facilitated the good financial situation of the other. Here, I can’t see the OP has facilitated any of his income or assets. He inherited before they met and it’s presumably the other way around: his inheritance has given the OP a cushier life than she’d have had if he hadn’t and given her the opportunity to choose not to work.

If the sexes were reversed, there’s not a single poster here who would be advising the OP to marry her boyfriend – and certainly not for “moral” reasons. The idea we’d be encouraged to question her “moral values” is ridiculous. She’d be told on no account to marry and to make sure he had no claim whatsoever to any of her money.

DrSbaitso · 07/09/2021 12:28

It’s not unfair you’re not entitled to his money or his home and if the genders were reversed you’d be called a cock lodger and ripped to shreds.

Oh God, the old "if the sexes were reversed" in order to slate people for something they're not doing over a situation that doesn't exist in the OP.

He wouldn't be a cocklodger if he's a SAHD who does a good job of raising the kids. He would, however, be just as vulnerable as OP is.

I don't blame OP at all for feeling unequal and uncared for. That's how I'd feel too. The situation was avoidable at ab earlier stage but it is what it is now. Work on the assumption that he won't marry you, OP, because he almost certainly won't, and work from there. I couldn't accept this kind of non commitment when I'm mother to his child, especially if I was expected to give up work (I'm unclear how that decision came about here; you say you can't afford childcare but still, what was the discussion?), but some women swear they don't mind or even prefer it. At any rate, protect yourself financially and don't be 100% reliant on him when he has no interest in protecting you. If he dumps you tomorrow you'll have to find some way of making it work, since his only obligation will be to the kids and men who don't care about protecting their beloved life partners, mothers of their children, rarely turn into Superdad when they tire of them.

NerrSnerr · 07/09/2021 12:30

@ComtesseDeSpair how often do men give up their jobs and all the security around that to bring up the children?

If it was just the 2 of them with no children then absolutely fine both would be 'cocklodgers' (or whatever the female equivalent is) but the OP if putting a lot into this relationship and not getting the same back.

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/09/2021 12:31

[quote NerrSnerr]@ComtesseDeSpair how often do men give up their jobs and all the security around that to bring up the children?

If it was just the 2 of them with no children then absolutely fine both would be 'cocklodgers' (or whatever the female equivalent is) but the OP if putting a lot into this relationship and not getting the same back. [/quote]
Not often. I don’t blame them - who wants to be stuck at home raising screaming babies?

Anon08 · 07/09/2021 12:31

He is well within his rights to protect his investment in your home, that is sensible IMO.

However, you have a child and, right now, that child has no protection should anything happen. You both need to write a will and he needs to decide who he wants to inherit, it may be your child and not you.

Regards marriage, that’s a choice and you cannot force someone to commit to you. If he doesn’t want to get married and you do, then you need to decide if it’s a dealbreaker.

You have a choice, you either stay as you are and stew or you take action, control the things you are able to and accept there are other things you cannot.

Unsure33 · 07/09/2021 12:33

to be honest My SIL was the one with the house and she protected her assets for years and was not married to her partner . So he was the one in your position. Some years later she relented and put his name on the mortgage and deeds . Then he had an affair and buggered off .

This is a complicated subject tbh.

legoriakelne · 07/09/2021 12:35

Do you have a will?