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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be quite embarrassed by this

270 replies

bluepurplepinkyellow · 07/09/2021 11:37

Been with dp 11 years, have dc together, Aibu to feel embarrassed that we aren't married or even engaged?

Not that this has anything to do with marriage but he owns the house he brought it on his own, we had brought a house together ( he inherited a lot of money, which is the only reason he could buy ) but when dd was 2 weeks old he asked me to sign a deed of trust to protect his money and then when I realised what I had signed I asked him why he felt he needed to do this as I have no intention of interest in " his money " we were very much together and In love or so I thought, I decided that when I we moved and sold the old house I wanted to be either together and equal or to allow him to buy it alone without me owning about 7000 of it and feeling like it was only part my home. It was clear from the start it was more his house, we've moved now and it just feels really off that I'm just his girlfriend living in his house that doesn't feel like we are in it together, Aibu to feel embarrassed by this ?

OP posts:
Graphista · 07/09/2021 12:37

You're extremely vulnerable op, very foolish to have put yourself in this position.

As pps have said you need to ASAP get yourself on a better footing financially.

If the relationship were to end while you are still not working and unmarried you and the dc are basically screwed

And the relationship ending needn't be separation it could be if he dies - whether or not he has a will but frankly a father with dc as vulnerable as his are who doesn't have a will is an irresponsible dick!

I have a relative who was in your position and the partner died intestate, she and the dc were turfed out the family home by the "in laws" but quick and while they were all very much still grieving she had to go back to work full time, move the kids to new schools etc

If he becomes incapacitated you could well be screwed too.

If you split he can legally and summarily make you homeless and destitute basically overnight

Get a job ASAP - childcare costs need to be covered by both of you - start saving up if you can, in a separate savings account to him, start a pension, get yourself organised ASAP

He is stringing you along and has been this whole time.

I refused to have dc without being married, not for moral or religious reasons but practical and financial ones.

It's really the only sensible way to approach having a family in the Uk as there is very little protection for women and children in the event of a relationship ending however that happens

Hardchoices · 07/09/2021 12:39

As a first task you need to get Wills drawn up as well as actioning Powers ie medical financial etc incase anything were to happen to each of you, specifically him! . Unmarried couples are not automatically each other’s next of kin either so in a medical emergency you might not be able to make decisions.

Don’t be embarrassed, be frightened and annoyed.

zingally · 07/09/2021 12:40

I'd be concerned. You are onto a sticky wicket if the relationship goes sour. You'd be a homeless, unemployed, single mother. You need to get protections put in place, if only for the security of your child.

TimeForTeaAndG · 07/09/2021 12:42

@brokenbiscuitsx

It depends OP, DP and I were together almost 10 years before getting engaged. We were both in Uni at the time and then went on to do masters and a PhD and didn’t want to be just engaged when we weren’t in a position to pay for a wedding. Then we got jobs and started saving everything we had for a house fed posit, so again, no spare money. Now we’ve got our house and are engaged and planning a wedding.

Lots of people were a bit Confused but it suited us and that’s all that mattered Smile

@brokenbiscuitsx Totally different scenario. You had no kids, were both working, and jointly saved for the house. OP does not have a share in the house, is not working, and has DC.
Pinkdelight3 · 07/09/2021 12:43

I wouldn't be embarrassed about what other people thought but I'd be embarrassed that I'd got myself into this situation, signing things and without thinking and sleepwalking through big life decisions with little or no agency. It's good that you're waking up to it now and I hope you get things sorted, because as others have said, you have zero security and are completely reliant on his good will. It's like a mumsnet bingo - my salary gets eaten up with childcare, waiting for him to propose etc etc.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 07/09/2021 12:43

Another one of these threads! I will never understand why people leave themselves vulnerable like this, its so risky.

Skyla2005 · 07/09/2021 12:45

@bluepurplepinkyellow

Can I just say this has nothing to do with money it's more the feeling equal I just don't feel equal to him and that really feels horrible
But it would be very much to do with money if you separate because you have no claim to anything. You have no security. You have left yourself In a vulnerable position
DrSbaitso · 07/09/2021 12:45

Wait, so you bought a house together, and you put £7000 into it, but now you live in a house that is entirely owned by him and you have no share at all?

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/09/2021 12:46

You are absolutely bonkers to have not bought together with unequal shares. The house you’re living in is probably worth twice the amount now. So he’s got all of the equity including the growth in value and you have zero security. What were you thinking? And what are you going to do now?

Drinkingallthewine · 07/09/2021 12:54

What happened to the proceeds of the house you jointly owned and sold - please tell me you got your half sitting in a bank somewhere, and not that he suggested you put it into this new house and then made you sign a deed of trust at 2 weeks PP??

You need to go back to work. If childcare is an issue, he needs to cover half because the children are half his. You need to start earning your own money and use the money I hope you've kept of your share of the sale of the house for a rental deposit.

You are wasting your time with this man. If he dropped dead you'd get fuck all, and probably get chucked out on your arse by whoever is his next of kin.

Phobiaphobic · 07/09/2021 13:00

@pickingdaisies

You say it's not about the money. But for your partner, it's ALL about the money. Otherwise you would be on the deeds or married by now. You need to get out of this hole you are in. If he ended the relationship now, you'd have nothing. Start by getting a job. Now. You need to protect yourself.
Spot on.
lockdownalli · 07/09/2021 13:03

OP he could turf you out on a whim.

You really should have got married ages ago to protect security for yourself and DC. It's not about being money grabbing, it's about common sense and keeping a roof over your head.

Time for a serious chat with DP.

Original poster
bluepurplepinkyellow · 07/09/2021 13:04

He brought me out 7000£, if I went on the mortgage and we split he would have to buy me out - which he has no money to buy me out, so I would be equally trapped, it took 3 years for me to persuade him to move closer to my family and his work so we could save money travelling so if we split I'd just have to stay in his house because he wouldn't buy me out his excuse would be he has no money and I wouldn't be able to seek legal advice because I wouldn't have the funds to do that and have some put by to rent so being on the mortgage or the deeds I'd probably be even more stuck

OP posts:
dopeyduck · 07/09/2021 13:07

So my DP owned a house before we met, we moved and brought together but have a deed of trust to protect his initial investment as that money was solely his.

I have no idea what all the negative comments towards this are - it would be fine it it were me as a woman protecting my assets.

His money being put into a joint house enabled me to buy as I otherwise had no deposit. Of course I could have got a FTB mortgage but not on a place big enough for a family home without changing area. I'm now building equity on a house I own 50% of rather than renting / living in his house. This is ideal for our family unit and not at all unfair.

We're not married so he supplemented me whilst I was on maternity so I suffered no loss of earnings whilst I'm the primary cater for our child. Equally a percentage of his pension will be mine should we separate to compensate for lost pension contributions during raising our children and / or lack of promotion / overtime opportunities. Should we separate he can lose that part of a pension or he can pay me off (calculated via solicitor). Don't suppose anyone thinks that's unfair.

Should we marry these agreements will be superseded by the marriage and everything with be a normal 50/50 marital split.

Mindyourbusiness22 · 07/09/2021 13:08

If I had been your partner, I would of done the same (I’m a female).

Only when both partners are paying equal should both names be on the deed. So unless you contributed to the deposit and or pay towards the mortgage, then no I wouldn’t have you down as part owner either.

Notaroadrunner · 07/09/2021 13:08

Have you considered proposing to him? Why wait until he does it. If you get down on one knee and ask you'll soon know where you stand.

Rangoon · 07/09/2021 13:08

As for the poster who suggested that he either married the OP or she will need to take steps to protect herself financially, what steps did you have in mind? Right now, I think about the only thing OP could do is get a job and start saving money and share the childcare costs with her not so dear partner. Of course, if she earns less than the cost of childcare there is nothing she can do. She might want to think about doing something to qualify for a better paid job.

BreatheAndFocus · 07/09/2021 13:09

I wouldn’t be embarrassed, I’d be very suspicious, OP.

You need some financial and legal advice ASAP. I got some legal advice free from a local solicitor - 30 minutes. I went with a list of questions and found them very helpful.

Original poster
bluepurplepinkyellow · 07/09/2021 13:09

Yes I have and he said no, he wanted to ask - this was 3 years ago obviously I wouldn't ask again, he calls me his partner but there is no partner in it, I'm just a girlfriend that's all

OP posts:
GreenWillow · 07/09/2021 13:10

This man doesn’t love you OP, if he did, he wouldn’t want to see you in such a precarious position.

I’d ask one more time if he wishes to marry you, and if he fobs you off again, start making plans to leave.

Your ‘ten years older’ self will thank you for it, trust me.

Letthelightoflove · 07/09/2021 13:11

OP - this is really concerning. Can you talk to him about how vulnerable a position this puts you in? Please get a job or at least insist in working part time and him working part time too (equally sharing the childcare) so you have a means of supporting yourself.

DrSbaitso · 07/09/2021 13:11

@bluepurplepinkyellow

He brought me out 7000£, if I went on the mortgage and we split he would have to buy me out - which he has no money to buy me out, so I would be equally trapped, it took 3 years for me to persuade him to move closer to my family and his work so we could save money travelling so if we split I'd just have to stay in his house because he wouldn't buy me out his excuse would be he has no money and I wouldn't be able to seek legal advice because I wouldn't have the funds to do that and have some put by to rent so being on the mortgage or the deeds I'd probably be even more stuck
So he paid you £7000 for your contribution to the previous house? Where is that now? And what about the interest and equity gained on that £7000?

If you were on the mortgage and you split, there are other alternatives to him buying you out.

What would he say if you said you were going back to work and you would have to fund childcare as a household expense because that's what it is? And even if it means a loss for a while, it's worth it for your long term financial security?

Thenose · 07/09/2021 13:13

Nobody will think less of you for this, so there's no need to feel embarrassed. However, I think it's reasonable to be worried and hurt by his attitude and behaviour.

If you shared everything, there might still be a concern about minimising your own prospects outside of the home by staying with the kids, but, in your case, this concern is magnified ten-fold.

You say this isn't about money (and I believe you), but have you considered what you would do if you arrived home one day to your bags on the lawn and his new girlfriend waiving to you through the living room window?

As every day passes, he gains, and you lose. He's building equity in his house and experience and expertise at work. Meanwhile, you live at his pleasure, ensure he isn't disadvantaged by parenthood, and stagnate, regress, or fail to progress in your profession and get further and further away from any chance of owning/making your own home.

Every day, he's gaining and you're losing. You can't let this carry on.

KatharinaRosalie · 07/09/2021 13:15

Protecting assets one had before marriage is one thing. Keeping all the assets you acquire during the marriage, and where the other partner has no opportunity to earn money due to childcare, is a totally different thing.

If he won't marry you or set up fair financial arrangements, you need to go back to work. Childcare is a joint expense, not just something your salary should cover.

billy1966 · 07/09/2021 13:17

@WimpoleHat

You say it's not about the money. But for your partner, it's ALL about the money.

This. With bells on. Nothing to be embarrassed about, OP - everything to be bloody careful about though….

Absolutely this.

You couldn't have put yourself in a more perilous position.

Why would you have children and give up working to live on the whim of a man who would pull such a stunt after ye sold a joint property?

Get back to work and perhaps realise this is not a man you can depend on.

How many children did you have and what ages are they?