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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be quite embarrassed by this

270 replies

bluepurplepinkyellow · 07/09/2021 11:37

Been with dp 11 years, have dc together, Aibu to feel embarrassed that we aren't married or even engaged?

Not that this has anything to do with marriage but he owns the house he brought it on his own, we had brought a house together ( he inherited a lot of money, which is the only reason he could buy ) but when dd was 2 weeks old he asked me to sign a deed of trust to protect his money and then when I realised what I had signed I asked him why he felt he needed to do this as I have no intention of interest in " his money " we were very much together and In love or so I thought, I decided that when I we moved and sold the old house I wanted to be either together and equal or to allow him to buy it alone without me owning about 7000 of it and feeling like it was only part my home. It was clear from the start it was more his house, we've moved now and it just feels really off that I'm just his girlfriend living in his house that doesn't feel like we are in it together, Aibu to feel embarrassed by this ?

OP posts:
DevonBelles · 07/09/2021 13:56

@bluepurplepinkyellow

£7000 I've used a bit of it here and there and saved over half into savings incase I need it one day
sorry but you are very confused.

Giving you £7K is not buying you out of the house.

Buying one part out means giving them half the value of the house (minus the mortgage) so they can leave and buy a house themselves.

As you don't own the house anyway with your P, you can't be bought out.

Given you didn't know what the deed of trust was when you signed it, it looks as if you don't know much about house ownership and the legal side of money.

Why did your P give you £7K and when?

I am fully with him on getting the deed of trust set up. One of my DCs is doing the same as they have been given money by us as part of an inheritance. If they split with their P, the P will not get half the value of the home, only their contribution.

You stand to get nothing if you split up.

If you are not working, you can't be paying towards the mortgage anyway.

Sorry- either I've missed something or your posts make no sense.

DrSbaitso · 07/09/2021 13:57

@bluepurplepinkyellow

No he made me sign a deed of trust when we brought a house " together "
How did he make you do that?
DevonBelles · 07/09/2021 13:57

Look- this is all muddled.

Are you a joint owner, of your current home, or are you not? Are you on the mortgage of it? Or is there no mortgage?

burritofan · 07/09/2021 13:58

Buying one part out means giving them half the value of the house (minus the mortgage)
Only if they owned the last house as joint tenants, half and half, rather than tenants in common. It could be that the OP’s share in the last house really was £7k. But I doubt it – I agree she’s somewhat confused and has probably been hoodwinked by her partner.

Pinkdelight3 · 07/09/2021 14:00

You're very naive to believe him about the solicitor - you do know that he's the client, right? Solicitors don't make their clients do thing they don't want to do. I'm not calling you naive to upset you. Just to hopefully stop you being that way again, as of now.

This scenario you keep talking about, about being stuck in the house and just as trapped if you owned it, is another example of misunderstanding. Couples who split up and can't afford to buy each other out sell the house and split the proceeds. Yes, it's simpler in one sense than owning nothing and leaving with nothing, but the big difference is that you'd both leave with something - equal shares of the proceeds from the house, which is a MUCH better position than nothing. You've gone from having an investment, a stake in a property - your family home - to him having it all and you having no safety net whatsoever. It's scary and I hope you can see that now and sort it out. Stop relying on this man whose proved he can't be trusted and start working out a plan so you're able to provide for yourself in future.

DevonBelles · 07/09/2021 14:00

@bluepurplepinkyellow the deed of trust means he gets back what he put in when it was bought.

If he put in £200,000 he would get all of that back when the house was sold. If you put in £3000 that is all you would get, although the contributions you made to the mortgage and the current house value might mean you got a bit more.

He didn't 'make you'' sign - he set it up and you agreed, presumably not knowing what you were doing.

Bythemillpond · 07/09/2021 14:04

I don't work yet but will once dc are in school, we wouldn't be able to afford childcare

Why not? He owns a house, has had a substantial inheritance. There seems to be no planning for you or your child but a lot of planning and solicitors discussions about how he would fare if you split and a lot of faux concern about what position you would be in.
Yes you would be stuck in a house with a mortgage that both of you needed to pay but at least you would have a roof over your head.

I will bet that as soon as dc are in school and you have some freedom to get a job and have more financial muscle in the relationship then you will br out on your ear.

There is too much thought and planning going into you splitting up to think this is a long term relationship.

I would leave now and claim child support from him. Look at the benefits you would get if you are on your own and use the remainder of the £7000 to set yourself up in a place with your children and start saving to buy your own place and eventually looking for work to make your own way in life.

Ultimately if he knows you aren’t going to do anything but wait for this mythical proposal then the status quo will remain. It is only when he is faced with losing something will it concentrate his mind.

I wouldn’t be moving back even if he did propose. I would wait till you are married otherwise he will drag it all out.

If someone else came along who didn’t want to wait around he would be up the proverbial aisle in an instant because they would spell out that they weren’t waiting for him to get around to proposing and he faced losing someone.

Stormyequine · 07/09/2021 14:07

YABU to feel embarrassed but I can see why you are not happy. It sounds very much like you are not a partnership. I'd be looking for a job ASAP in your shoes as you are in a very vulnerable position if you do split. Childcare is not your expense alone, so their should be no reason you can't get a job. Your DP has made it clear that you are not a team, so you need to protect your own interests.

DevonBelles · 07/09/2021 14:07

How big is the mortgage OP?

You talk as if he had a huge inheritance which means that the mortgage must be small.

Is this not right?

GroggyLegs · 07/09/2021 14:07

You've got 3k to your name after bearing his children, while he has a house, inheritance and presumably a pension & sees nothing off about this?

Mate, HE should be embarrassed.

MrsScrubbithatescleaning · 07/09/2021 14:09

You need to see a solicitor on your own and get some proper advice that isn’t concerned with the interests of your partner.

I’d be moving out with the DC until the partner realises he can’t keep you dangling around like this and you come to a satisfactory arrangement regarding your joint finances moving forward.

You are not ‘just a girlfriend’, you’re the mother of his DC. But he’s treating you appallingly especially given you signing a document that wasn’t clearly explained to you!

DrWhoNowww · 07/09/2021 14:09

@bluepurplepinkyellow

We moved and he brought me out with some of the profit money because I felt trapped and it wasn't worth it for £7000 as he would refuse to buy me out of we ever split, then I'd be stuck in a mortgage and unable to move out if I needed to
But this isn’t how it works.

If you owned it jointly and neither person can afford to buy the other out then then property is sold and each person takes a share of the equity - you don’t get stuck in the house.

At the moment though you don’t even have that, if you split up he can kick you out (with or without your children) and you’d have pretty much nothing.

OP you’ve had some good advice on this thread but it might help to talk to someone in person - either an actual solicitor or if funds are short look to see if there are any free legal clinics attached to local law school - most of the ones by be have pro Bono clinics, the advise comes from a student but will have been checked by a qualified solicitor.

You really need to protect yourself and your children.

GroggyLegs · 07/09/2021 14:13

OP - do you actually want to marry him? I mean, aside from his tight arse ways, does he make you laugh, you have fun as a family & you feel loved & supported with him?

DrSbaitso · 07/09/2021 14:14

Or Citizens Advice.

I get the impression that OP has been very overwhelmed and confused by all this, and her partner has used that to his advantage. He's savvy enough about his own interests. Speak to someone who will explain it all very clearly, answering all your questions (there are no silly ones), and help you find the best solution for you. I strongly suspect it won't include him.

DevonBelles · 07/09/2021 14:14

I think we need some figures.

He inherited some money.
He owns a house
Yet they can't afford childcare if OP goes to work.

Sums don't add up.

Clearly he doesn't 'own' the house. He must have a mortgage on it.

Lilyfalls · 07/09/2021 14:15

I don’t understand why people say they can’t afford childcare.

I have twins and will have two nursery bills after mat leave ends but will definitely not be giving up my job which is 3 days a week. I’m not on a high salary either.

Yes it is basically my full salary on childcare (if you want to put it like that) but It’s only for a few years, then you get the free hours and you benefit from being financially independent. All income is joint and you benefit from more flexibility during the school years rather than having to find a new job.

OP, if you want to get married. Arrange to buy a ring together, pick a date and get engaged. Don’t wait around for a proposal.

ClawedButler · 07/09/2021 14:21

I can absolutely understand him wanting to ringfence the money he inherited that is now tied up in the house.

However, his asset is accruing value far in excess of inflation, while the £4k or so you have in savings is growing at about 0.01%.

In addition, I think it's unfair of him to keep his salary all to himself when the reason he's been able to continue his career is that you've been at home providing free childcare. It smacks of "Me big man earn money, you silly woman cook clean breed" to me.

Marriage is not a grand prize that men bestow on women who should be grateful. And if he puts the protection of his money above the protection of his children he's an arse.

SafferUpNorth · 07/09/2021 14:23

Oh my goodness, I couldn't just read and run. Sorry OP, but as others have said, it sounds as if you're in a very precarious situation here and to me it basically sounds like financial abuse.

You need professional advice ASAP to protect yourself and your children - not sure whether a financial adviser, solicitor (or both) would be best. You might want to speak to Women's Aid and see what they suggest: www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/

NerrSnerr · 07/09/2021 14:26

I don’t understand why people say they can’t afford childcare.

I luckily don't have twins but if we had twins the nursery fees would come to more than 50% of our wages if full time, probably more. With mortgage and others bills we would not be able to afford it. There would not be enough money to pay nursery, bills and food. It can't be that difficult to understand that different people have different incomes and nursery is very expensive (my youngest has just gone to school after paying nursery fees for the last 6 years).

KatharinaRosalie · 07/09/2021 14:28

You need to stop looking at marriage proposal as some grand romantic gesture. Tell him you'll book a date, you'll go sign the papers. Then you will wait for his romantic proposal, and you can have a wedding party later. I wonder what he will say, if the reason you're not married is only that he wants to ask himself.

MarshmallowSwede · 07/09/2021 14:32

I’m not sure what the common laws are here with co habiting couples in the UK.

Marriage is as much for your protection as it is your children’s protection for their legacy and his. None of the Disney fairytale, but it’s is in fact a legally binding contract meant to protect the legacy and legal interests of offspring etc.

So you should just tell him if you want to get married. 11 years is a very long time to just wait around for a proposal.

I’m of the opinion that once you start having children then there really isn’t an argument against it.

If marriage is important to you then bring it up. I don’t think it takes 11 years to propose.

Annoyedanddissapointed · 07/09/2021 14:32

@KatharinaRosalie

You need to stop looking at marriage proposal as some grand romantic gesture. Tell him you'll book a date, you'll go sign the papers. Then you will wait for his romantic proposal, and you can have a wedding party later. I wonder what he will say, if the reason you're not married is only that he wants to ask himself.
There already was a proposal. This is a proposal. The answer was no. I have spoken to him about marriage and even suggested we just go and get married without al the faff but he says just cuz we're not married it doesn't mean that he doesn't want to he just hasn't asked yet
Vitcserum · 07/09/2021 14:34

You need to start going to work, you are in such a vulnerable position right now, if you split up right now you have no house and no means of supportive yourself right? SAHM only works out fair if you are married or own an equal share of the house.
Childcare costs should be split, or ideally he pays if he had more income.
You are wrong to say it feels unfair but this isn’t about money, it is all about money and that’s why it feels unfair- you’re being seriously short changed right now.

RosesAndHellebores · 07/09/2021 14:38

30 years ago when dp and I married we had a pre-nup to protect my assets. I had a house and some capital. dh had nothing then. It's irrelevant now.

Whilst I might have taken a chance re my assets, I'd never have had children with a man who wasn't prepared to make a permanent commitment.

Notsandwiches · 07/09/2021 14:38

Why does he have to propose. Ask him and if he says no then you will know where you stand.

I would start looking for ways to achieve financial independence because you are in a very vulnerable position financially. You get to raise the children but if your relationship were to fail you have nothing financially. Nothing. If he loves you he would accept that this is unfair.