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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be quite embarrassed by this

270 replies

bluepurplepinkyellow · 07/09/2021 11:37

Been with dp 11 years, have dc together, Aibu to feel embarrassed that we aren't married or even engaged?

Not that this has anything to do with marriage but he owns the house he brought it on his own, we had brought a house together ( he inherited a lot of money, which is the only reason he could buy ) but when dd was 2 weeks old he asked me to sign a deed of trust to protect his money and then when I realised what I had signed I asked him why he felt he needed to do this as I have no intention of interest in " his money " we were very much together and In love or so I thought, I decided that when I we moved and sold the old house I wanted to be either together and equal or to allow him to buy it alone without me owning about 7000 of it and feeling like it was only part my home. It was clear from the start it was more his house, we've moved now and it just feels really off that I'm just his girlfriend living in his house that doesn't feel like we are in it together, Aibu to feel embarrassed by this ?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 07/09/2021 11:56

You need a serious conversation with him and don't be fobbed off with the its just a piece of paper crap either

Is there a correlation between your user name of workshy and the fact you’re advising her to speak to him and not to plan to get into employment and be able to support herself?

Hekatestorch · 07/09/2021 11:57

It is about money though because he is leaving you in a very vulnerable position.

If he splits with you tomorrow, what's your plan? Where will you live and how will you support yourself?

You won't have a right to stay in the house, occasionally you can get it bit its rare. He won't have to pay anything but CMS.

He is happy to see you in the vulnerable position. So it is about the money, really and that's not a bad thing.

Because he is ensuring he is financially secure and you are not and it doesn't sound like he has ensured you know your situation fully.

Before dp moved in with me we both got legal advice. I ensured he realised that if we split, the house is mine. Not his. No part of it is his and if he wasn't comfortable with that he could either match my deposit or not move in.

We also aren't having kids. But I love him, so I don't want him caught unaware. But I also won't give up half my house to him either.

Thanksihateit · 07/09/2021 11:58

but he owns the house he brought it on his own, we had brought a house together ( he inherited a lot of money, which is the only reason he could buy ) but when dd was 2 weeks old he asked me to sign a deed of trust to protect his money

So you sold a house you’d bought together, and bought a new one which is only in his name? Didn’t you think that was unfair at the time? Apologies if I’m misunderstanding

TravellingWanabee · 07/09/2021 11:58

[quote bluepurplepinkyellow]@Regularsizedrudy what do you mean ? Sorry I don't understand [/quote]
I think what the PP meant was that as someone who doesn't have a financial stake in the house she's living in and doesn't currently work, if your OH decides to split up with you, you wouldn't have a leg to stand on in terms of the house, and also wouldn't have a job or any financial means.

Basically, your OH holds all the cards and could, on a whim one day, take everything away from you. Not saying he would, but you are in a very precarious position.

WTF475878237NC · 07/09/2021 11:58

It's a very romantic notion to have an engagement and then get married and have children and only works for people in their 20s or early 30s (with time). Older women wanting children don't have time to wait for proposals. Don't be embarrassed that you haven't followed that path. It's perfectly OK to want to be married for the legal protection it affords now. I think I would actually say that to him at this point.

ManifestDestinee · 07/09/2021 11:59

Embarrassed is the wrong word (so is brought, by the way OP).

If you don't think its about money you are in even worse trouble than you realise. If he wants you to leave, you're gone, with nothing. IF he dies with no will, you're gone, with nothing.
You're in a terrible position and should never have had children with someone who values your security so little.

JSL52 · 07/09/2021 12:00

[quote bluepurplepinkyellow]@Regularsizedrudy what do you mean ? Sorry I don't understand [/quote]
The fact that he 'lets' you live in his house. If your relationship breaks up you could be chucked out.

notanothertakeaway · 07/09/2021 12:00

@MarshmallowSwede

You can always bring up marriage. Either way you can ask to be put on the house. After 11 years there should not be any issues to getting married. You’re together and have children. Nothing would change but your surname if you want to change that.
Nothing would change??!

If married, OP would have plenty legal rights that are not open to a cohabitee

OP, you can't force him to marry you. I'd suggest you ask him if he wants to get married. If he does, great. If he doesn't, that's ok too. No one should be pressured to marry against their wishes. But in that case, you need to protect your own interests

Hekatestorch · 07/09/2021 12:01

He isn't going to marry the op. He is concerned with protecting his assets. He isn't going to hand half (potentially more) to the op.

Ragruggers · 07/09/2021 12:01

How old are the children?I imagine young so a while until you can work in the meantime try and save some money each week in your name.You are in a fragile position which I am sure you know.Is he a decent caring partner and father?you need to think carefully about your future.Good luck.

Zilla1 · 07/09/2021 12:02

I wouldn't feel embarassed about the marriage dimension unless you come from a religious background but I would be concerned at your financial vulnerability and his conscious actions to financially separate the family to his advantage.

It might be when you say 'marriage' now, he hears 'risk to his carefully crafted plans' to try to have no liability to you'.

Do you work? If so, how are household and DC costs shared?

Is he a miser with all his life or just your security?

Good luck, OP.

HomeSliceKnowsBest · 07/09/2021 12:03

Fuck OP. I hate reading these posts, where the woman is basically screwed if the relationship ends.

seaandsandcastles · 07/09/2021 12:03

YANBU. It shows a lack of commitment and I wouldn’t put up with it.

SylvanasWindrunner · 07/09/2021 12:04

I don't think you need to be embarrassed, but you also don't have to wait to be proposed to. We were together 7 years and then DD arrived and we figured we should probably get round to getting married, so I just said 'Shall we book it?' and DH rang the registry office the next day.

Have you ever actually spoken about it?

minou123 · 07/09/2021 12:04

Never ever ever financially rely on a man (or anyone, for that matter)

If it was the other way round we would have been in it together what's mine is his kinda thing I feel very below him

But it isn't. He has made it very clear where you stand - not married, no ownership of the house.
Pretending if it was the other way around isn't going to help or change his mind.

Sorry if this comes across harsh. I am concerned for you.

Cleverpolly3 · 07/09/2021 12:04

@Bluntness100

You need a serious conversation with him and don't be fobbed off with the its just a piece of paper crap either

Is there a correlation between your user name of workshy and the fact you’re advising her to speak to him and not to plan to get into employment and be able to support herself?

Yes because eleven years together and giving birth to his children literally counts for nothing in this man’s case
RandomLondoner · 07/09/2021 12:05

This is a reply to the posters who think marriage should be demanded.

I think there's nothing wrong with asking a man hand over half his present and future money, by marrying you, if he wants to continue being with you. He can say yes or no as he sees fit. What I think is wrong is asking with a sense of angry entitlement, as if he would be doing something wrong by saying no. (If he is looking out for his own interest, he almost certainly should say no.)

Marriage means legally committing at the start to potentially handing over half of everything. He may think love makes it worthwhile, but the law will only enforce what he owes under this contract, it won't ensure he'll get what he was expecting in return.

CharlotteRose90 · 07/09/2021 12:07

It’s not all about money but for your partner he’s protecting his assets and I fully agree with him. His money his house sorry. I’ll be doing the exact same. If you get married it’s a different story and it would be a family house but for now I’d be In the same view as him that it’s his place.

EIIa · 07/09/2021 12:07

Honestly yes I would feel embarrassed at letting this drag on for 11 years without any effort to protect my own interests

11 years ! 😱

Get saving NOW because you are in such an awful position

OrangeTortoise · 07/09/2021 12:08

You need to go back to work OP if he won't marry you, and make sure he pays his share of childcare. Otherwise you're in an incredibly vulnerable position financially speaking.

Plumtree391 · 07/09/2021 12:08

You say you had your own house, what happened to that, did you sell it? I hope you have some security from that.

There would be nothing amiss about you asking him to marry you after eleven years and children together. If he is committed to a future with you, there is no reason not to. In the meantime, get him to make a will.

It's time to lay down the law a bit, bluepurple. However you have nothing about which to be embarrassed, plenty of people don't marry but live together and raise families without problems so you're not alone. You just need to regularise your situation in some way.

Please do 'your own thing' cheerfully, independent of him, as much as you can, let him see he isn't the centre of the universe.

AveryGoodlay · 07/09/2021 12:09

Christ almighty get to work! You're so vulnerable and have been very naive! If I were him if want to protect my inheritance too and if he was a woman everyone here would encourage him to do so.

You need to follow his lead and protect yourself. Love is all fine and dandy until the relationship ends and feelings are hurt.

Plumtree391 · 07/09/2021 12:10

Sorry, just re-read your post and see you didn't have your own house before getting together with him. You bought a house together, it is somewhat confusing.

NerrSnerr · 07/09/2021 12:10

How much does he earn? Are you sure you couldn't afford childcare if you worked (with the childcare costs split between you both).

You have to protect yourself. Get your own income. He knows exactly what he's doing.

ditalini · 07/09/2021 12:11

@bluepurplepinkyellow

Sorry should have said he hasn't made a will either
Do you have a joint account?

If he was knocked down by a bus on the way home from work tonight would you have access to enough money for you and the children to live on until the tortuous process of unpicking the finances and working out whether you could even use the money the children had inherited to continue to feed and clothe them?

I've no idea how things work when minor children inherit from their intestate father, but their mother has no entitlement. Does he?

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