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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be quite embarrassed by this

270 replies

bluepurplepinkyellow · 07/09/2021 11:37

Been with dp 11 years, have dc together, Aibu to feel embarrassed that we aren't married or even engaged?

Not that this has anything to do with marriage but he owns the house he brought it on his own, we had brought a house together ( he inherited a lot of money, which is the only reason he could buy ) but when dd was 2 weeks old he asked me to sign a deed of trust to protect his money and then when I realised what I had signed I asked him why he felt he needed to do this as I have no intention of interest in " his money " we were very much together and In love or so I thought, I decided that when I we moved and sold the old house I wanted to be either together and equal or to allow him to buy it alone without me owning about 7000 of it and feeling like it was only part my home. It was clear from the start it was more his house, we've moved now and it just feels really off that I'm just his girlfriend living in his house that doesn't feel like we are in it together, Aibu to feel embarrassed by this ?

OP posts:
annacondom · 07/09/2021 13:17

Sounds as if some more communication is required between the pair of you. Think about/take advice on what you want to happen, and then talk to him. Being embarrassed about what people think is really not worth worrying about - plenty of people with dch don't get married in the UK these days. But it sounds as if this is not for you, and he needs to listen.

Finals1234 · 07/09/2021 13:19

OP, can I ask how old you are? Presumably young enough to be able to get some work or some qualifications to retrain if needed, and to kick-start your career?

I was in a v precarious financial position following my divorce, and the ability to earn well was the only thing that saved me, esp as I had continued to work, even through the years with 2 in nursery when my wage didn't cover childcare.

Its absolutely imperative you get a means to support yourself, I can't see this ending well with your DH, sorry to say.

Finals1234 · 07/09/2021 13:21

This post actually gives me shivers OP, you are being taken for a ride by your calculating DH.

wednesdayweather · 07/09/2021 13:22

@bluepurplepinkyellow

Can I just say this has nothing to do with money it's more the feeling equal I just don't feel equal to him and that really feels horrible
You aren't equal to him. He has made sure of that.

You need to get a job and he needs to realise that he needs to pay for the childcare and other care of his own children. You need to save as much as you can (do NOT give him rent money to pay off the mortgage of a house you do not own - if he wants money to the mortgage he can put your name on the title deeds). DO not end up paying for all the household and child related costs from his salary. Save, save save. He has a job and house as security. You have nothing but the responsibility of raising children.

Sorry, but he does not love you to deliberately make the mother of his children live with such financial and housing insecurity. You are basically childcare, domestic and sex.

wednesdayweather · 07/09/2021 13:23

DO not end up paying for all the household and child related costs from his salary

From your salary that should have said.

DrSbaitso · 07/09/2021 13:24

@Finals1234

This post actually gives me shivers OP, you are being taken for a ride by your calculating DH.
He will never be her husband.
WhatsTheTimeMrCat · 07/09/2021 13:29

I’m not commenting on the marriage part and implications as others have done this, other than to say your feelings are absolutely reasonable and understandable.

But if you take one thing from this thread: make wills. Both of you. If he dies intestate (without a will), you have a real problem on your hands if you’re not married. I would strongly recommend you see a solicitor together and make wills (we did this and tue solicitor basically told us to get married Grin). I would also strongly recommend you both take out life insurance to pay off the mortgage as a minimum - being blunt, if anything happened to you, he would struggle regarding childcare.

Whether or not you agree on marriage is one question but if he refuses to make a will or take out life insurance, he’s basically refusing to do anything to protect you and your joint children, and I’d consider that a deplorable attitude.

Lou98 · 07/09/2021 13:31

Not that this has anything to do with marriage but he owns the house he brought it on his own, we had brought a house together ( he inherited a lot of money, which is the only reason he could buy ) but when dd was 2 weeks old he asked me to sign a deed of trust to protect his money and then when I realised what I had signed I asked him why he felt he needed to do this as I have no intention of interest in " his money " we were very much together and In love or so I thought, I decided that when I we moved and sold the old house I wanted to be either together and equal or to allow him to buy it alone without me owning about 7000 of it and feeling like it was only part my home.

I might be wrong here but it sounds as though you could have been on the house but he wanted to ring fence the money that he put in to it which was his inheritance? In which case in the event of selling he'd have got back the original amount he put in but then the rest would be split?
You see that a lot on here and usually the majority of posters agree that they're right to ring fence their money, inheritance etc.
If that is the case (and sorry if I've read wrong) - it sounds like you've cut your nose off to spite your face when you could have had your name on the house but weren't happy that he wanted his original amount protected?

After 11 years I would assume he doesn't want to marry, that's nothing to be embarrassed about but you do need to decide if you're happy never being married to him or if it's a dealbreaker for you. There are other ways to protect yourself financially. Putting aside the house, how is the money split with you being at home - do you have a joint account? Or are you left with similar amounts after bills etc are paid from his salary?
If not and he's not willing to make the monthly finances even then I think you'll need to consider going back to work and splitting the childcare costs between you. Being a sahm only works if both partners are willing to make it work and I agree that you shouldn't be left with no money each month to support his career.

huuskymam · 07/09/2021 13:32

I'd be more worried than embarrassed. If you decided to split up tomorrow he could kick you out, you'd have no claim on the house, you've no job, nowhere to raise your kids, no financial stability.

Time for a very serious chat about the future, I think.

FilthyforFirth · 07/09/2021 13:33

How many children and how old? Also how old are you? I would be looking to go to work asap. You say you moved closer to family, can they help out so childcare costs arent too big?

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 07/09/2021 13:34

It is more worrying than embarrasing as others have said.

I can't believe you owned a house jointly and then signed it over to him. Did you discuss that proposal with anyone else before you agreed to it? Like your parents or a financial advisor

Original poster
bluepurplepinkyellow · 07/09/2021 13:36

He told me the solicitor told him to do the deed of trust that it was the solicitors idea and adviced him to do it he didn't ask for it at all apparently

OP posts:
Original poster
bluepurplepinkyellow · 07/09/2021 13:39

We moved and he brought me out with some of the profit money because I felt trapped and it wasn't worth it for £7000 as he would refuse to buy me out of we ever split, then I'd be stuck in a mortgage and unable to move out if I needed to

OP posts:
grapewine · 07/09/2021 13:39

Embarrassed, no. But I would be having serious conversations about the future. He could throw you out of the house, and you'd be screwed.

DrSbaitso · 07/09/2021 13:42

@bluepurplepinkyellow

We moved and he brought me out with some of the profit money because I felt trapped and it wasn't worth it for £7000 as he would refuse to buy me out of we ever split, then I'd be stuck in a mortgage and unable to move out if I needed to
So how much did he give you? And where is that money now?
CheekyAFAIK · 07/09/2021 13:42

@bluepurplepinkyellow

We moved and he brought me out with some of the profit money because I felt trapped and it wasn't worth it for £7000 as he would refuse to buy me out of we ever split, then I'd be stuck in a mortgage and unable to move out if I needed to
That's not worked out, if you split now you'd be unable to move out. If you'd been on the mortgage then one of you would have had to buy the other out, meaning you'd have had money to set yourself up.

You need to work out what would happen if you:

  • split up
  • one of you gets sick
  • one of you dies

Marriage provides some protection when the above happen. As things stand, any of the above happen and you're pretty much left without a thing. He either needs to marry you, share assets with you or you get a job so you can provide for yourself if need be. He can for the childcare. Now you're basically running the household without any financial interest in it.

Original poster
bluepurplepinkyellow · 07/09/2021 13:44

£7000 I've used a bit of it here and there and saved over half into savings incase I need it one day

OP posts:
DeepaBeesKit · 07/09/2021 13:45

You need to get on yout pwn feet financially. You’re an unmarried mother. You need to find a job, childcare costs need to be split, and you need to protect yout own financial future.

This. If he hasnt/isn't going to marry you, his only obligation is to provide some financial support for his children and even that is limited relative to what they actually cost. He could turn around tomorrow and leave you with nothing.

You need to start taking care of number one, which is exactly what he is doing.

SeasonFinale · 07/09/2021 13:46

The solicitor did not make him to do it. He advised him that if he wanted to protect his assets this was the method as to how to do so.

It sounds like you expected to split up as you state you didn't want to be tied into the mortgage and he wouldn't have paid you out. There was legal methods to make this happen should you have split to get your share out.

I am unsure where you did this because you assumed you would split why you went on to have children with him. At that point the finances should have been addressed.

Confused102 · 07/09/2021 13:47

Op the time to think of this was before you ever got so involved with him. From the very start he made it clear with his house, but then you went along and had children and gave up your job. Take some responsibility for yourself at least. You really need to wake up to the fact that you are so vulnerable here. It's not the time to be embarrassed, but rather feeling responsible for yourself. It's clear he isn't interested in committing to you, so what are your plans?

minou123 · 07/09/2021 13:49

Your posts are confusing things for me.

Are you saying that at one point you had £7,000 equity in the house and on the mortgage. But because you didn't feel equal and it made you feel trapped, he agreed to pay you the £7,000 to buy you out? And then got you to sign the Deed of Trust?

If so, why are you cross that you are not an owner of the house?

Very confused.

grapewine · 07/09/2021 13:50

@Confused102

Op the time to think of this was before you ever got so involved with him. From the very start he made it clear with his house, but then you went along and had children and gave up your job. Take some responsibility for yourself at least. You really need to wake up to the fact that you are so vulnerable here. It's not the time to be embarrassed, but rather feeling responsible for yourself. It's clear he isn't interested in committing to you, so what are your plans?
Yeah, this is fair, actually. You need to decide how to protect yourself. Eleven years on, he isn't going to magically change.
DrSbaitso · 07/09/2021 13:50

@bluepurplepinkyellow

£7000 I've used a bit of it here and there and saved over half into savings incase I need it one day
Unless your house lost value at the time of sale, that doesn't take into account the appreciation of the house's value over time. And I'm certain your house didn't lose value because prices were good for sellers three years ago, plus I don't trust your partner not to have noticed that if it had happened and he could squeeze more out of you from it.

He may have inherited a lot but he's made off with the return on investment of your contribution. He knows what's good for him, so I'm very sure he knows what's bad for you.

I find this sinister. I think you need to see a good professional to get a proper understanding of exactly what it is he has done, because it is reading as if you don't. And then consider if this is a man you want to stay with, who could happily do this to you. As far as I can see, your reason for being off the mortgage was largely so that you could escape...

burritofan · 07/09/2021 13:54

It was absolutely bonkers to ask him to buy you out of the £7k in the last house and not reinvest it in the current house, just because you’d only own a part!! That money would have grown as house prices increased. But too late now. And sounds like you’ve frittered away half of that £7k and only have half left in savings?

Why is it obvious you can’t ask him about marriage again? You don’t have to propose, you just have to have a serious discussion about why it was last raised 3 years ago and he hasn’t yet asked: get him to state his timeline and his reasons for the delay. Find out where you actually stand, and make a plan to leave, frankly. You’re sleepwalking into disaster (more disaster than you’re already in).

Original poster
bluepurplepinkyellow · 07/09/2021 13:54

No he made me sign a deed of trust when we brought a house " together "

OP posts: