For viewing my H with contempt

[needsomeperspective]

My H and I have now been married for almost 13 years. Two children. He has long term mental health issues stemming from an abusive childhood. Frankly I have known for a decade that he has BPD. He takes anti anxiety meds and anti psychotics (when he can be bothered to keep on top of them or as long as I police him like a child). He hasn’t had any job in over six years, no “real” job in ten. He spends much of his time sleeping in very late while I work my ass off to keep our family (and my mother) financially solid - fortunately I have a very good job - but along with that comes it’s own stresses for me as I am responsible for over 300 staff.

I’m lucky enough to have help with the kids and a cleaner. I’ve deliberately arranged my life so that I do not have to rely on my husband in any material way - because he isn’t dependable. He has cheated on me, he used to be emotionally volatile, now he is just an apathetic lump.

He is, all challenges considered, often a loving, kind and involved father and the children undoubtedly benefit from having him in their lives and in their home.

From my perspective we have an almost non existent sex life, and I frequently feel like I’m running a doss house for vagrants than participating in some kind of partnership. But it’s better than having no one. We’ve been very isolated during Covid.

I put in place (following his infidelity) a cast iron post nup which he agreed to sign so I’m not “trapped” in this marriage for financial reasons but I do feel that the children would be much better off if we stayed together and frankly I can’t see how I’d be happier as a single parent compared to this inadequate and pathetic marriage I’m in right now. Some sex is better than none - or one night stands with morons. At least I have someone to visit IKEA with.

How do I reconcile myself to the limitations of this situation and generate the compassion to view my husband as a victim of his mental health issues rather than a useless, feckless, contemptible burden surgically attached to the sofa and piggy backing on my years of relentless hard work - which frankly I often feel.

Is it really better than being single? It doesn’t sound as though you like him, never mind love him

What is he doing to address his issues? Does he actually want to work through the childhood trauma to get to a place where he relates to it differently?
Psychotherapy is really hard work but the right therapist ( and it may take trying a few different people/modalities to find the right one) could make a real difference. He has to want this though.

What makes you so sure you would be single and having one night stands with morons.

What if there are men out there who you could enjoy spending time with, great sex, excitement! It doesn't sound like you're doing yourself any favours by staying and your providing an unhappy relationship as an example of marriage to your kids. No winners here.

Gosh.

I suspect you'll get to a point where you WON'T be happier in this marriage than you would be on your own.

a cast iron post nup

Ain't no such thing. Not in England & Wales at any rate.

I think if contempt has set in, it really is time to try and sort out a civilised and amicable divorce, for everyone's sake. You can give him a decent settlement to soothe your conscience and move forward in your life. Living with someone to whom you feel contempt will grind away at your personality and soul and leave you a bitter person. You do not want that, surely.

I agree with PP, you may be single at first but by staying with him you are denying yourself the opportunity to be with someone who makes you happy. Would you reconsider?

@MrsBertBibby

a cast iron post nup

Ain't no such thing. Not in England & Wales at any rate.

I was just going to say the same thing. Where do you live op?

I don’t live in the U.K. I’m very happy with my legal position.

What I don’t fancy is swapping this unsatisfactory marriage (from my perspective - not my kids) for a worse situation where I’m just alone or dealing with a different kind of fuckwit.

Eurghh...I'd rather be single tbh.

Utterly ridiculous to think that staying in this situation benefits anyone!

This situation may not benefit anyone-what are your kids seeing about what is a man? what is a healthy equal relationship?

What would it be like for all concerned to have separate lives, with support from appropriate mh sources for your husband -maybe there’s a symbiosis going on which may not be in the best interests of either one of you…?

YANBU for viewing your husband with contempt, he's cheated on you and apart from the odd trip to IKEA and sometimes being a bit nice and keeping the children company, he really doesn't seem to add anything to your life.

Personally I'm struggling to see how you can think the single life would be worse, but each to their own. I can't imagine anything more miserable than living with the kind of man you've described and spending my days viewing him with contempt. The resentment will continue to build and make you cynical and miserable surely?

Why would it be worse to be alone?

If you were single and you both had local houses the kids could see him lots and benefit. So I don’t know if you need to stay in the same house?

Perhaps that would be the rocket up his arse he needs to take his meds regularly. You’re not his mother. You shouldn’t have to remind him. He should take responsibility for taking meds himself.

Friend was similar situation. She actually brought house next door so kids could move easily between the two. Remained on friendly/amicable terms with her ex but didn't feel the need to be constantly responsible for him

I don't know OP.

I guess this is where religion would come in if you were that way inclined.

Some means of enjoying what you do have, to stop the corrosion you are experiencing.

Well presumably he wasn't glued to the sofa when he was being unfaithful? Could you contemplate kicking him out and moving your mum in?

It might do him a favour to force him to support himself, perhaps he will straighten himself out then?

It's not a dress rehearsal though, right? You only get one chance at life - is this it? Are you settling for this?

I think you have a very narrow view of what it can be like to be divorced but not a single parent.

Visiting IKEA alone is actually better, OP. No arguments.

I agree with other posters saying this can’t be worse than being single, it will be hard of course but in the long run I think you might be happier. You might not be single forever either! You sound like a really strong woman who has their shit together! 💪 if you do decide to stay with him I think you need to adopt a mindset where you have zero (and I mean zero) expectations of him. You have done your best; if he cannot meet you even bit closer to the middle in terms of effort/energy/life, and you still stay, that’s your decision and for your own mental health you need to be totally at peace with it & not expect anything whatsoever from him. I think in reality that is nearly impossible to do; and I think if you did manage it would mean you being emotionally numb to him; with no love. I think that’s no way to live and won’t benefit your kids and certainly not you. Is it possible he is flakey because you run the show & therefore he needs to make zero effort?? I know sometimes my DH does a lot for me, and I’m embarrassed to say it can make me lazy! Sometimes I tell him to back off as I feel like it pushes me to be dependant & my lack of mojo when he takes over aggravates me. Just food for thought! xo

You could have a live in au pair for about £150 a week.

Honestly OP, being single is much much better than this

Free yourself, @needsomeperspective !!!!!

Whether or not you find another man is frankly irrelevant.

The freedom of not being responsible for someone else's fuckwittery - priceless.