For viewing my H with contempt

[needsomeperspective]

My H and I have now been married for almost 13 years. Two children. He has long term mental health issues stemming from an abusive childhood. Frankly I have known for a decade that he has BPD. He takes anti anxiety meds and anti psychotics (when he can be bothered to keep on top of them or as long as I police him like a child). He hasn’t had any job in over six years, no “real” job in ten. He spends much of his time sleeping in very late while I work my ass off to keep our family (and my mother) financially solid - fortunately I have a very good job - but along with that comes it’s own stresses for me as I am responsible for over 300 staff.

I’m lucky enough to have help with the kids and a cleaner. I’ve deliberately arranged my life so that I do not have to rely on my husband in any material way - because he isn’t dependable. He has cheated on me, he used to be emotionally volatile, now he is just an apathetic lump.

He is, all challenges considered, often a loving, kind and involved father and the children undoubtedly benefit from having him in their lives and in their home.

From my perspective we have an almost non existent sex life, and I frequently feel like I’m running a doss house for vagrants than participating in some kind of partnership. But it’s better than having no one. We’ve been very isolated during Covid.

I put in place (following his infidelity) a cast iron post nup which he agreed to sign so I’m not “trapped” in this marriage for financial reasons but I do feel that the children would be much better off if we stayed together and frankly I can’t see how I’d be happier as a single parent compared to this inadequate and pathetic marriage I’m in right now. Some sex is better than none - or one night stands with morons. At least I have someone to visit IKEA with.

How do I reconcile myself to the limitations of this situation and generate the compassion to view my husband as a victim of his mental health issues rather than a useless, feckless, contemptible burden surgically attached to the sofa and piggy backing on my years of relentless hard work - which frankly I often feel.

Christ your self esteem must be at rock bottom to think you are better off with this person than one! I am much better off without him and I'm quite happy to go to IKEA alone.

Sounds like you are done and very unhappy! Just how good an actress are you that you can convince your children that their parents are happy together? Those children may love having dad around but that is cancelled out by having an unhappy mum. You would probably be better on your own because then you would only be a mother to two children not three!

I did that for six months after uncovering his “emotional” affair. Much as I love my mother I wouldn’t embark on that again!

I’ve done the single mother thing for best part of a year - almost all couple friends blanking you (who wants their own marriage contaminated with interacting with someone whose split?!), managing everything alone. Limited though my H’s contribution is, frankly it’s better than zero added value. On balance his contribution is meagrely more positive than negative. Or else I wouldn’t still be with him.

I just feel I need help with mentally managing his severe limitations as a partner.

I assume other women with husbands who are depressed or suffering from mental health issues also find themselves in this situation. Is this living the dream - no of course not. Did I promise “in sickness and in health” - well not technically but the principle is sound.

His “infidelity” was at the point of a psychotic break so I allow some leeway. However the fact remains he is never going to be “my rock” as he can barely support himself to the coffee machine let alone support or even contribute to meeting my emotional, mental, physical or financial needs.

@sjxoxo

I agree with other posters saying this can’t be worse than being single, it will be hard of course but in the long run I think you might be happier. You might not be single forever either! You sound like a really strong woman who has their shit together! 💪 if you do decide to stay with him I think you need to adopt a mindset where you have zero (and I mean zero) expectations of him. You have done your best; if he cannot meet you even bit closer to the middle in terms of effort/energy/life, and you still stay, that’s your decision and for your own mental health you need to be totally at peace with it & not expect anything whatsoever from him. I think in reality that is nearly impossible to do; and I think if you did manage it would mean you being emotionally numb to him; with no love. I think that’s no way to live and won’t benefit your kids and certainly not you. Is it possible he is flakey because you run the show & therefore he needs to make zero effort?? I know sometimes my DH does a lot for me, and I’m embarrassed to say it can make me lazy! Sometimes I tell him to back off as I feel like it pushes me to be dependant & my lack of mojo when he takes over aggravates me. Just food for thought! xo

This is very insightful and accurate. But frankly if I don’t do everything no one else will. But if a catch 22.

I simply don't see how it's better to be in this 'marriage' than single so I have no advice for you. Sorry.

He will be draining you more than you realise. Up until my divorce I got on well with my ex, but when I was single I still felt "free".

This situation may not benefit anyone-what are your kids seeing about what is a man?

That they're not always perfect and can have mental health problems they're working through? Not all parents can be Disney parents.

Sorry OP but I could not live like that.. In sickness and in health is one thing but leeching off another capable individual in just like having another child. in a lot of relationships maybe one spouse is the higher earner but the other provides valuable care of the house/children to allow the wealthier spouse to earn. You sound like you don't get any return from this. If it were me I would prefer to be single

If he died today, would you be devastated, full of sorrow with a hint of relief, worried how you'll cope on your own, relieved, guiltily excited about what the future may bring, dancing on his grave...

YABVU to live half a life like this. What a dreadful example to set your kids. Divorce him and find some happiness. This is your one and only life.

What’s so wrong with being single? You don’t have to swap him for another person who drains you. And frankly is it any good for you, for him or for your children to be staying in a marriage with someone you have such contempt for?

Totally can understand how it’s come to that btw with the contempt but that’s such a horrible, damaging emotion - for you to experience, for him to feel from you and for the kids to take as their primary model of how an adult relationship is. Just awful all round.

I honestly think you have some things to take a hard look at in yourself if you’d prefer this to being single. You’re clearly a capable woman, so where’s your courage? Because as hard as it sounds, choosing to remain in this situation is a failure of courage. Better the devil you know is a cop out really, especially when you have a toxic relationship that your kids are around.

Sounds like a miserable life
Surely your dc will pick up on things? If he’s involved he can be involved and live somewhere else

Involved with dc I mean

@Chicchicchicchiclana

You could have a live in au pair for about £150 a week.

I have sufficient support from paid staff and others that my husband is not LOGISTICALLY necessary in terms of making life function. Sadly you can’t “buy” a dad or husband. Which is why he is still here - I don’t need him financially or practically but my children need a father and I am still fond of him in a pitying way which translates into affection. The children see a fondness and very little animosity - because I’m excellent at compassion and frankly my occasional raging fury (hidden) soon peters out into a feeling of gently despising his patheticness rather than actively disliking him. He isn’t a bad person, just weak, lazy, damaged and in many ways an unproductive, valueless, worthless member of humanity if you measure worth by means of someone’s ability to add positive value to the world around them.

It’s hard to understand your view point that any man is better than no man, even one like your husband, and very sad too, to be so scared to be alone, so fearful of independence you’d rather live like this.

Maybe some therapy would help you?

Once feelings like contempt have sunk in you should end your relationship in my opinion. It’s no way to live for you or the other person. I do understand the fear of being alone but life is way too short for this kind of life.

@FlowerArranger

If he died today, would you be devastated, full of sorrow with a hint of relief, worried how you'll cope on your own, relieved, guiltily excited about what the future may bring, dancing on his grave...

Having drunk himself into a guilt last night and finally ended up in bed at 5am he didn’t surface until 6pm today. I was at work so didn’t disturb him. When I went in to the room at 6.05pm part of me wondered if he had (again) taken the bar it’s yes he is prescribed to help him sleep with booze and had actually died.

My fear of that was mixed with a horrible sneaking feeling that in some tiny way it would almost be a relief if he was dead. Because I’d HAVE to then move on without having to support him in every way as well as supporting my children and elderly mother.

How disgusting is it that I could feel this way.

*barbituates

You do know people and kids especially can pick up on real feelings and emotions, right? No matter how good an actress you think you are it’s neigh on impossible to truly mask contempt. And the repressed rage and anger - it’s very hard to grow up with a parent like that. You feel it, believe me, but it just teaches you anger, negative emotions and all of that are bad, not allowed, hidden, shameful.

@SameToo

Utterly ridiculous to think that staying in this situation benefits anyone!

yip..

certainly not your kids.. they see everything You see ..,

Yes, at my expense. He has no job and no means of supporting himself. I already went through the financially painful exercise of putting him up in a flat nearby so he could co tinge to see the kids every day for six months. If I didn’t facilitate (and pay for) this he would simply sink into oblivion and the children wouldn’t have him in their lives. Honestly it’s far less expensive and aggravating to just accommodate him here.

You don't want to be lumbered with him in retirement or even when the kids are off to college. I suggest you devise a plan -say a 5 year plan- on how you can establish yourself as a single without him. The contempt will eat away at you. Try to dilute the time you spend with him with other adult company. Be very active about cultivating social contacts that don't involve being part of a couple.

I'd rather be single than lumbered with your H, he can still be in the kids lives.
I'd cut my losses before you're too old to enjoy your new single life.
As for sex, invest in a mother's helper, battery powered if you get my drift, I can highly recommend it 😘

But it’s better than having no one

No.

It really, really isn't.

It sounds fucking miserable, OP. Neither you nor the kids are benefiting from this. Don't kid yourself.

You describe other people (not just your husband) in such derogatory terms that I wonder if you can ever be happy at all, to be honest. Have a good hard think about how much of your situation stems from your contempt for others.