For viewing my H with contempt

[needsomeperspective]

My H and I have now been married for almost 13 years. Two children. He has long term mental health issues stemming from an abusive childhood. Frankly I have known for a decade that he has BPD. He takes anti anxiety meds and anti psychotics (when he can be bothered to keep on top of them or as long as I police him like a child). He hasn’t had any job in over six years, no “real” job in ten. He spends much of his time sleeping in very late while I work my ass off to keep our family (and my mother) financially solid - fortunately I have a very good job - but along with that comes it’s own stresses for me as I am responsible for over 300 staff.

I’m lucky enough to have help with the kids and a cleaner. I’ve deliberately arranged my life so that I do not have to rely on my husband in any material way - because he isn’t dependable. He has cheated on me, he used to be emotionally volatile, now he is just an apathetic lump.

He is, all challenges considered, often a loving, kind and involved father and the children undoubtedly benefit from having him in their lives and in their home.

From my perspective we have an almost non existent sex life, and I frequently feel like I’m running a doss house for vagrants than participating in some kind of partnership. But it’s better than having no one. We’ve been very isolated during Covid.

I put in place (following his infidelity) a cast iron post nup which he agreed to sign so I’m not “trapped” in this marriage for financial reasons but I do feel that the children would be much better off if we stayed together and frankly I can’t see how I’d be happier as a single parent compared to this inadequate and pathetic marriage I’m in right now. Some sex is better than none - or one night stands with morons. At least I have someone to visit IKEA with.

How do I reconcile myself to the limitations of this situation and generate the compassion to view my husband as a victim of his mental health issues rather than a useless, feckless, contemptible burden surgically attached to the sofa and piggy backing on my years of relentless hard work - which frankly I often feel.

@needsomeperspective

But parents divorcing does produce happy adults does it?

You're grotesquely over-simplifying OP. And you probably know it.

Divorce can be traumatic for kids, of course. But by simply not divorcing, you aren't buying yourself a gold-plated guarantee of your kids' security and happiness.

Growing up in a toxic domestic environment with parents who not only don't rub along but are actively contemptuous of one another is a recipe for horrendous self-esteem problems. As is living with a parent with drug/alcohol dependency, or where one parent has cheated.

I understand its scary, but you seem to using the children justify keeping the status quo at all costs. When you've admitted that you have contempt for your husband and he's making your life miserable. Do you honestly think observing that from within your family is a better outcome than a respectful divorce?

In the kindest possible way, you are starting to sound like your own worst enemy here.

@needsomeperspective

But parents divorcing does produce happy adults does it?

This is a pretty shit thing to say tbh. I've had huge sympathy for you reading this thread as you're having to shoulder every burden a couple would usually share and it must be absolutely exhausting. I would view him the same way you do. But in my experience, children who have divorced parents who coparent in a civil and mutually respectful way is better than living with parents who have a growing resentment either one or both ways and model poor relationship behaviour (such as one parent shouldering all the financial and mental load). Of course it's easy to say coparent efficiently and harder to do it in practice especially with someone like your partner, but no parents divorcing doesn't always lead to children becoming unhappy adults as you've suggested.

But parents divorcing does produce happy adults does it?

This isn't the 1950s, you need to get rid of your archaic ideas. Or as I said before, quit putting non-existent obstacles in your own path.

People now know that divorced parents can produce perfectly well adjusted and happy children who grow into perfectly well adjusted and happy adults. In fact children of divorce frequently fare better than children living with parents in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage.

Do you really think your H models good behaviour? Do you really think the children are not aware of his destructive and unhealthy ways? Get your blinders off.

@needsomeperspective

But parents divorcing does produce happy adults does it?

When I was a child I yearned for my parents to divorce. They did eventually, when I was about 18. Things would have turned out a lot better for me and my siblings if it had happened much much earlier.

When I was a child I yearned for my parents to divorce. They did eventually, when I was about 18. Things would have turned out a lot better for me and my siblings if it had happened much much earlier.

Exactly the same for me. And when they did it when I was 18 and out of the house I felt simultaneously guilty they stayed 'for me' and also angry they had done so and showcased an unhealthy relationship to me for so long. Takes absolutely years to undo the damage done by living in a tense, toxic or resentful household as a child.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

When I was a child I yearned for my parents to divorce. They did eventually, when I was about 18. Things would have turned out a lot better for me and my siblings if it had happened much much earlier.

Exactly the same for me. And when they did it when I was 18 and out of the house I felt simultaneously guilty they stayed 'for me' and also angry they had done so and showcased an unhealthy relationship to me for so long. Takes absolutely years to undo the damage done by living in a tense, toxic or resentful household as a child.

I too remember lying in bed, hearing them arguing and feeling sick.

I was the youngest of five and nominated by the others to go down and ask my DF to stop being violent.

OP admits that there had been violence on the house.

I used to pray they divorced.

My mother always used to say "I've stayed for you children", no she bloody didn't, she stayed for her needs

When I was a child I yearned for my parents to divorce. They did eventually, when I was about 18. Things would have turned out a lot better for me and my siblings if it had happened much much earlier.

I'm so sorry you went through that. I really relate.

It was so scary feeling trapped - trapped as a child in the situation, and trapped because neither of them were going to leave. I think it's played a big part in why I've never been in a relationship - I don't want to be trapped.

I also struggled with feelings of resentment when my mum did leave - because I thought, why didn't you do that earlier when it would have benefited the kids?

I don't think it's ever the case that a child is better off in an abusive home just so on paper they have a nuclear family.

I work in a professional mental health capacity with adults who have experienced C-PTSD as a result of witnessing a poor relationship between their parents.

It can be traumatising growing up in a toxic environment and unable to escape it.

My parents split up when I was eight. I was so relieved! My life has turned out infinitely better than it would have had my mother chosen to stay with my dad, who was charming and successful, but also needy and controlling. I am eternally grateful she did leave, although we had little money we were happy and secure, and I flourished. I'm in my 50s now, and managed to have a wonderful relationship with my dad once I was grown up and able to reinforce strong boundaries with him. If mum had stayed, he would have ground us both down. So yes, divorce can lead to very happy adults, especially if the alternative is growing up in a toxic environment, which yours clearly is. Do not kid yourself you are doing your children a favour by staying, you are not.

Christ, really OP????

You think this is better than single??? that's actually a little pathetic.

But the OP’s kids are different.

Unlike all other children growing up in a toxic environment, hers aren’t aware they’re in a toxic environment.

And while the OP is replicating her own parents’ relationship to the letter, her children won’t.

She has it all figured out. Hence why she started this thread.

I was merely pointing out that children can be as damaged from the consequences of a divorce and everything that comes afterward than they can by witnessing an unhealthy marriage. I don’t think that’s a contentious suggestion.

But I think I’ve got everything of value that I’m likely to out of this thread. Thank you for those who contributed constructively. There were many very insightful viewpoints which I’ve taken on board.

@needsomeperspective

I can’t see how I’d be happier as a single parent compared to this inadequate and pathetic marriage I’m in right now. Some sex is better than none

Not necessarily.... I'd rather NO sex, or "self-care" than have sex with someone like this. 🌹

Having read all your posts, its pretty clear that you need to talk to someone who can give you advice and support (and it does sound like you can afford to pay for it hopefully).
You have had a couple of opportunities to split, but for some reason (all the reasons that you have posted on here), you are unwilling to follow through.
You are saying that you are doing this so that the children won't be damaged (by sharing custody etc).
You sound a brave, independent woman. What do your friends think? Are you able to talk to your friends?
My mum was like you, we used to say that she couldn't live with him but she couldn't live without him.......................................................... Sadly my mum died very young , never enjoyed her independence from him in the end...............

@needsomeperspective

But parents divorcing does produce happy adults does it?

When the alternative is the childhood they're getting? Yes. Absolutely yes.

I got divorced when my children were 9 and 6.

They are happy, well-rounded, fully functional and successful adults now.

@needsomeperspective

I was merely pointing out that children can be as damaged from the consequences of a divorce and everything that comes afterward than they can by witnessing an unhealthy marriage. I don’t think that’s a contentious suggestion.

But I think I’ve got everything of value that I’m likely to out of this thread. Thank you for those who contributed constructively. There were many very insightful viewpoints which I’ve taken on board.

Good luck OP with the future

I think sometimes on MN it's hard for people to understand the dynamics of a relationship that mean it's not always in the posters/children's best interests to walk away ASAP.

I think situations involving significant MH issues are particularly complex.

Walking away isn't just leaving a relationship. It's also removing the person whose likely been the greatest support to the person who is ill.

The consequences of doing that can be massive.

I totally understand why you'd want your children to be older and more independent rather than risk (in very formative years) them having to bear witness to their father unravelling before them and/or being the recipients of sub standard parenting in his sole care.

There are absolutely worse potential outcomes than them remaining in this marriage which whilst totally unsatisfactory for you seems to present as amicable to the children and where the excesses of his behaviour are contained.

Ultimately you understand better than anyone the possible risks/rewards of staying/leaving and the time where the balance between them shifts in favour of one rather than the other.

That said, as I previously posted I do think you need to emotionally withdraw from him, get yourself a solid circle of support and access therapy to keep your longer term plan on track (or in fact be willing to accelerate it if circumstances change).