For viewing my H with contempt

[needsomeperspective]

My H and I have now been married for almost 13 years. Two children. He has long term mental health issues stemming from an abusive childhood. Frankly I have known for a decade that he has BPD. He takes anti anxiety meds and anti psychotics (when he can be bothered to keep on top of them or as long as I police him like a child). He hasn’t had any job in over six years, no “real” job in ten. He spends much of his time sleeping in very late while I work my ass off to keep our family (and my mother) financially solid - fortunately I have a very good job - but along with that comes it’s own stresses for me as I am responsible for over 300 staff.

I’m lucky enough to have help with the kids and a cleaner. I’ve deliberately arranged my life so that I do not have to rely on my husband in any material way - because he isn’t dependable. He has cheated on me, he used to be emotionally volatile, now he is just an apathetic lump.

He is, all challenges considered, often a loving, kind and involved father and the children undoubtedly benefit from having him in their lives and in their home.

From my perspective we have an almost non existent sex life, and I frequently feel like I’m running a doss house for vagrants than participating in some kind of partnership. But it’s better than having no one. We’ve been very isolated during Covid.

I put in place (following his infidelity) a cast iron post nup which he agreed to sign so I’m not “trapped” in this marriage for financial reasons but I do feel that the children would be much better off if we stayed together and frankly I can’t see how I’d be happier as a single parent compared to this inadequate and pathetic marriage I’m in right now. Some sex is better than none - or one night stands with morons. At least I have someone to visit IKEA with.

How do I reconcile myself to the limitations of this situation and generate the compassion to view my husband as a victim of his mental health issues rather than a useless, feckless, contemptible burden surgically attached to the sofa and piggy backing on my years of relentless hard work - which frankly I often feel.

congratulations on using H rather than DH - I always find it bizarre when people post about "D"anything, then go on to describe the most appalling behaviour or relationship.

It sounds as if you're clinging on to the status quo to avoid being alone - living independently seems a far more attractive situation TBH.

Hi op it’s like your living with a child - he absolutely takes on no responsibility for anything. Yes he is damaged from his childhood - but hey so have lots and lots of people.
He doesn’t want help does he.
Otherwise he would stick to therapy and regular meds.
You have put up with a lot from him.
It was very sad to hear that when you needed help he wasn’t there for you.
He’s a very selfish man.
Would you live with an addict.
As basically it has the same pattern of behaviours.
Yes great idea for you to get therapy.
You do an amazing job to cope with all this.

I dream of one day, when the children are independent, of finally getting my independence and starting a new life. I’m working and saving with a view to making that a possibility in the future, if my H never manages to deal with his problems. It might be slightly longer than a five year plan. But at least when I am finally in a position to prioritise myself I will try to have put all the infrastructure and finances in place to do so.

Those 8 years you're planning to wait? They could be your last. I'm late forties and in the past 2 years I've had 2 friends my age die of cancer. Hopefully you'll live to a ripe old age, but one thing I've learnt is that there are no guarantees. If you knew those 8years we're all you were getting would you act differently?

@Babdoc

OP, google codependency. And ask yourself whether you are emotionally invested in playing the martyred saviour role as your DH’s enabler in this toxic fiasco of a marriage. I would urge you to seek counselling by yourself, as I think you need therapy every bit as much as your DH does. There is a reason why you took on this damaged person as a partner, and it isn’t healthy. You cannot change your DH’s behaviour, but with skilled help from a professional therapist, you can change yourself, and begin to reclaim your life.

This

I think it may also be kinder in the long run if he is forced to stand on his own two feet. He's letting himself be infantilised and that's not good for his well-being or self esteem. He will know how you feel about him.

You refer to your husband as a fuckwit. I would leave him for his sake as well as yours.

It’s really sad to read this - ‘ My own parents did not provide a good relationship model for me and my mothers palpable disgust for my serial cheat father was certainly absorbed by me. That is perhaps why I am extremely careful not to in any way alienate them from their father, whose good qualities i point out, whilst allowing them to express any worries or concerns they may have if daddy is feeling “down”.’

Because can’t you see how history is repeating itself here? You’re repeating what you experienced even if you truly believe that the way you ‘manage’ the situation means your kids are not also growing up with the same sort of emotional landscape.

The thing is, you can mask feelings or not say them but it doesn’t mean they are not there but squashed down, occasionally as you say breaking free (though you said often in your OP) to really distress you before you lock them back down again.

It’s about being congruent. Especially for kids who do pick up on the undercurrents and the things unsaid.

I do think that having at least one parent who is solid and reliable, plus other activities, adults, friendships etc is a mitigating factor for kids, yes. But it’s really not a good solution or one that isn’t going to store up issues for the future.

If the kids managed well when you temporarily
split up before then it’s hard to understand why you seem to think staying together now is better for them.

He isn’t a bad person, just weak, lazy, damaged and in many ways an unproductive, valueless, worthless member of humanity if you measure worth by means of someone’s ability to add positive value to the world around them.

You need to leave. This is not an acceptable way to speak about your partner. If it's cone to this, the marriage is totally over.

Leave for everyone's sake!

You are also hiding behind “empathy” for his MH and trauma to avoid looking at your own here. Perhaps you initially bonded over stories of traumatic upbringings. It is very common. I bet if you were both locked in a room with no kids, drugs or alcohol for three days, both of you would spew so much unsaid bitterness and resentment that you would be divorced within a week.

It’s also worth thinking about codependency. Because you are enabling him, he’s got zero reason to change because he’s learned whatever he does he gets no consequences, and is happy it appears for you to keep on being miserable. You say he puts in effort with the kids but true effort would be seeking help properly - if not for you, his wife, then for his children.

To continue like this it seems like you’ve done a looooooot of mental gymnastics and convincing yourself as long as your kids are ok you should continue to enable him. That’s pretty codependent thinking right there. As is the martyrdom factor which you seem to cling to and be ‘kind’ before your natural anger surfaces again. This is just no way to live for you, him or the kids.

I think if you’re so sure you want to stay, at the least get some good quality therapy for yourself.

But you need to ask yourself - what if it were true and the kids are being impacted the way people are saying? The way you experienced yourself as a child, the way others experienced themselves growing up, and the way you are sure that you, as one woman, can guard against - managing him, them, yourself. If you accepted that what action would you take? Because you seem like a loving mother so the only way you can keep this charade going is a lot of denial. Also very common on codependent people.

My own parents did not provide a good relationship model for me and my mothers palpable disgust for my serial cheat father was certainly absorbed by me. That is perhaps why I am extremely careful not to in any way alienate them from their father, whose good qualities i point out, whilst allowing them to express any worries or concerns they may have if daddy is feeling “down”. They understand that he often doesn’t sleep well and that sometimes makes him irritable.

You’re so much better than your own Mum.

You accept shit behaviour, and swallow your own thoughts and opinions of it. She just accepted it.

I wonder how your daughters will model it, when (not if) they get nto relationships with sub-standard, dysfunctional men.

This entire thread is about your ’palpable disgust.

Think about it.

And you may have convinced yourself that your children are witless, unengaged, unobservant drongos. But no-one reading this thread accepts that.

You are wrong. I suspect you are just intellectualising yourself away from the real actual terrifying possibility of truly breaking free from this toxic codependent relationship. By staying and enabling his total dependency on you you are teaching your children really shit stuff about relationships. Martyrdom wafts off your posts like a choking miasma.

Essentially you need the status quo for your own emotional needs. You are scared of change. Get a therapist as a matter of urgency.

OP....just wanted to take a minute to tell you:

I Hear You OP...and I Understand.

For the things you do for Yourself in your career and supporting your children - I just wanted to take a minute to tell you - You Are an Amazing and Wonderful Woman

Please take a minute to absorb just what a strong, capable, loving, competent, sensitive, patient, pragmatic, person you are. All those great things, in one person.

Then tomorrow take 2 mins To Love Yourself like this...

The next take 5 mins To Love Yourself like this....

Carve a time every day for You, it may be over the daily cup of tea you take first thing in the morning when everyone is asleep, whenever suits best ... To Love Yourself like this

The strength will come to do what you need to do.

You are already on your journey, you have started with your concrete plans, many don't even have a plan nor the means...

It is not easy, otherwise everyone would just 'do it'
and many, many don't.

You'll get there OP, you will. You are already on your journey. Sending Best Wishes.

@BreadInCaptivity such insightful and sensitive posts

Echoing your thoughts too

You are enabling your husband to behave like this. Sorry if it sounds harsh but this is not a him problem. It is a you and him problem. You are inadvertently making him worse by tolerating a ridiculous amount of abusive behaviour to yourself and believing the victim narrative. YOU are the victim here as much as he is. He may have issues but only YOU can look after YOURSELF here. He cannot do it for you.

I think there’s a part of you that is deeply frightened to be alone but also that gets a small sense of satisfaction from feeling so superior to somebody. I would go to therapy to explore this. Being alone is really quite nice after being with a shit like this.

It’s nice to have friends, but there will be friends who are fun to be with a single person. If you are so capable and superhuman, I’m sure you can find some.

You sound quite high achieving. Do you care lots about how you are perceived? Does a broken marriage feel particularly unappealing because it would tarnish the image of your high achieving life?

What are you going to do with your one, wild precious life?

I’m not sure the answer should be tolerate this atrocious situation.

Speaking from someone who has done the same in the past in a few different situations and has gotten better at extricating myself away from energy sapping, deeply problematic personalities like this. And who also struggles with not wanting to ‘fail’, which can be at the great expense of my mental health.

YMMV.

You’re letting your children be around a spaced out dad on a combo of alcohol and barbs? That is not a ‘good dad’. It’s a dangerously negligent one, and they will feel the impact of that for their whole lives. Your hiding / normalisation of it will make this 100 x worse as they will be confused and think it must be ok. Your husband has a substance abuse problem as well as being a lazy worthless abusive shit and you have a martyr complex. Sorry.

I echo the sentiments that you are staying in this marriage for your own emotional reasons, not for the benefit of your children - no matter what you keep telling yourself. This is not any healthy example of a relationship to set for them.

You said that if you split up, they would have to spend half their time in an unpleasant environment with their father, but they would also spend half their time in a calm and happy household with you. And they will notice and understand the difference.
But now, they don’t have any alternative, the only family life they know is this fucked up version. You think you are hiding it from them, but your children will sense your contempt and unhappiness.

Is this the kind of relationship you want for them when they grow up? This is all they know, it is not unreasonable to think they will seek out something similar, if only that it’s familiar.

Will you take responsibility for the fact that one of your children could end up in this type of relationship, given that you have set the template for them.

And the fact that you could break the cycle, by leaving (you have the financial means) but you stay for your own needs, not theirs.

Continued reading this thread and it's clear there are major codependency issues at play here.

Hating your husband so much but enabling his behavior, not splitting 'for the kids' but really because as you've said 'it's better than having no one.'

This dynamic is so, so unhealthy and to be brutally honest you're hurting your kids by continuing it. It just can't be a good environment to be around a passed out addict father and resentful, angry mother. The bravest, healthiest thing would be to leave, not to be a martyr.

@georgarina

Continued reading this thread and it's clear there are major codependency issues at play here.

Hating your husband so much but enabling his behavior, not splitting 'for the kids' but really because as you've said 'it's better than having no one.'

This dynamic is so, so unhealthy and to be brutally honest you're hurting your kids by continuing it. It just can't be a good environment to be around a passed out addict father and resentful, angry mother. The bravest, healthiest thing would be to leave, not to be a martyr.

Excellent analogy, all so true.

Hope you get things sorted OP. Lots of views on this thread…many saying you’re a hero and some saying you’re an enabler. I know stuffs rarely black and white and people that think this kind of situation is can lack experience. I’m glad you’re kids are mercifully self absorbed. From experience, as they grow up the real ‘watch point’ is as they enter early adulthood …aged 17 onwards. There’s a lot of brain changes going on then. My DD’s BPD presentation was literally like an overnight switch. It was quite scary. I’ve asked myself endlessly if there was stuff we could have done to prevent BPD from happening. Having read up, there’s a predisposition sadly. However I do think that we could have validated her more at certain points. Trauma and bereavement was a feature of her teen life sadly. I guess for you, think about the best environment that you can give your kids whereby they can talk, be listened to, validated and not be subjected to domestic trauma. The impact is huge.

What stood out in your posts was a real need for control (and an assumption that you can control the family dynamic over the next 8 years). I wonder if you've really had to control everything because your partner has been totally destabilising, but maybe that's not the most helpful dynamic right now? Perhaps you feel that he has been controlling you by being unreliable and having crises, and you've felt the need to control him to stem emotional damage that he's been doing to you?

Also anger can often carry other emptions inside it - like deep rejection from not having your needs met for so long. Can you get some therapy to unpick and process these emotional complexities? Getting therapy for myself was the best thing I ever did. The therapist actually met my emotional needs which was very healing and I actually enjoyed having a grown up space to vent and deal with my anger and frustration.

From what you've written it seems like you really need to make a co-parenting relationship with your H and split with him. Ultimately it might be helpful to see him in the same light as an alcoholic - you cannot change him, and actully you can't control him, you need to free him with kindness now.

It sounds like you're bad for each other. If you don't care enough about your own happiness can you turn it around? If you left maybe your OH would be forced to seek treatment/sort himself out? So then you could both live happier lives. Plus I don't see how this can not affect your kids, they're prob walking on eggshells round him.

Yabu staying in a miserable relationship and teaching your children this behaviour.

Get out, get happy and gain enough self respect to say no to the fuckwits.

Do you really believe the myth that any relationship is better than no relationship?

Learn to love and respect yourself because right now, you don’t come across as someone with any self respect.

I assume other women with husbands who are depressed or suffering from mental health issues also find themselves in this situation.

I doubt it tbh. Not all people who have depression are also cheaters and completely useless. There is no way on earth I could stay married to someone like that. I'd rather be single for 100 years. Your dc may not see animosity, but they must certainly see a very unequal relationship where you do everything and tolerate your husband doing nothing. And they probably do sense the underlying resentment and contempt, even if you don't realise it. Is this the kind of relationship you want to be modelling to them?