For viewing my H with contempt

[needsomeperspective]

My H and I have now been married for almost 13 years. Two children. He has long term mental health issues stemming from an abusive childhood. Frankly I have known for a decade that he has BPD. He takes anti anxiety meds and anti psychotics (when he can be bothered to keep on top of them or as long as I police him like a child). He hasn’t had any job in over six years, no “real” job in ten. He spends much of his time sleeping in very late while I work my ass off to keep our family (and my mother) financially solid - fortunately I have a very good job - but along with that comes it’s own stresses for me as I am responsible for over 300 staff.

I’m lucky enough to have help with the kids and a cleaner. I’ve deliberately arranged my life so that I do not have to rely on my husband in any material way - because he isn’t dependable. He has cheated on me, he used to be emotionally volatile, now he is just an apathetic lump.

He is, all challenges considered, often a loving, kind and involved father and the children undoubtedly benefit from having him in their lives and in their home.

From my perspective we have an almost non existent sex life, and I frequently feel like I’m running a doss house for vagrants than participating in some kind of partnership. But it’s better than having no one. We’ve been very isolated during Covid.

I put in place (following his infidelity) a cast iron post nup which he agreed to sign so I’m not “trapped” in this marriage for financial reasons but I do feel that the children would be much better off if we stayed together and frankly I can’t see how I’d be happier as a single parent compared to this inadequate and pathetic marriage I’m in right now. Some sex is better than none - or one night stands with morons. At least I have someone to visit IKEA with.

How do I reconcile myself to the limitations of this situation and generate the compassion to view my husband as a victim of his mental health issues rather than a useless, feckless, contemptible burden surgically attached to the sofa and piggy backing on my years of relentless hard work - which frankly I often feel.

Bread is spot on with everything s/he said. If you've made up your mind to stay in the marriage then you need to 'emotionally divorce' yourself from him and get therapy for yourself. I'd do weekly sessions if only to have a regular place to blow off steam.

Just don't shut the door completely on separating before the kids are grown. Leave that option open. There's no failure in exiting a bad or destructive relationship no matter what the reason. And keep a close eye on the kids. Children are very perceptive creatures, sometimes unnaturally so, and they see more than we realize. It may happen that you must leave for them, despite what you want.

If you were able to get an iron clad post-nup then do you think you could get him to sign an iron clad 'supervised visits only' agreement and move him back to the bed-sit and allow the visits in your home?

Also, it appears that you are, shall we say, fairly comfortable financially. If you don't think he'd agree to moving out is there any way to 'section off' part of the house and create some sort of separate quarters for him so you don't have to have him continually in your line of vision? Or possibly create a separate lockable 'retreat' for you where he is not allowed so you can 'decompress' from time to time?

I'm a she adult female and proud ATP

Been around a long time but have just done my regular 2 year name change.

I’m single. I’m not dating fuckwits. And I certainly wouldn’t prefer your life.

ATP

I'd thought about the "granny flat" scenario but discounted it.

It means there is no clean break.

He still gets his cake and eat it with no inventive to seek help.

Meanwhile the OP when they divorce has him literally on the doorstep.

She'll end up ( for the children) carrying him again.

It's the worst case scenario - divorced but still "responsible".

Your kids are going to mirror their own relationships on what they see at home. Why would you want that life for them?

You are spilling out your life on the arid ground for this loveless marriage? What on earth for? Gather up your strength and leave. Set a good example to your children!!!

Have you ever thought that you are enabling his inertia? If you stop basically parenting him perhaps he will gain some sense of self and motivation.

Your kids are immersed in the toxicity of your awful disdain and martyrdom.

You are not loving yourself much at all OP. Get therapy. Being single is infinitely preferable to the awful dynamic being lived out in your household.

God I think maybe this man has drained you so much that you have lost perspective and the ability to imagine a different life for yourself. Being single does not have to mean alone (if no friends or family then at least time and space to remember who you are without this shit in your life). Get a vibrator rather than settle for occasional sex with someone you cannot stand, when the dust has settled from separating go on dates, have fun, meet someone that you enjoy being with.

The effects of an abusive childhood are awful of course but there comes a time when you have to seek support. He has children so he needs to take his meds, have therapy, do whatever he needs to do or he just repeats the cycle and hands down mental health issues to his children as well.

It's really hard to see it when you are in it but you don't owe him the sacrifice of a good life for yourself because he got dealt a shit hand in childhood. If he will not help himself then what can you do? This will go on forever if you allow it to.

Do the meds have a huge effect on him working on top of his condition. BPD is horrendous to live with. Could you divorce but let him still live with you/separate bedrooms if you think it's better for your kids that he stays? Another one here that things single would be better than the situation you've described

@needsomeperspective

I don’t live in the U.K. I’m very happy with my legal position.

What I don’t fancy is swapping this unsatisfactory marriage (from my perspective - not my kids) for a worse situation where I’m just alone or dealing with a different kind of fuckwit.

I think you actually would be happier on your own, you've just got used to this cock lodger.

Gosh I think I'd be single.

There are benefits to being single as well.

Do you think you could co-parent well?

Fortunately the drinking is occasional not constant, usual when I leave him on his own downstairs and go to bed alone. It’s not something the children are even aware of. Fortunately they are extremely happy children, have many friends, do well at school without being, as a pp put it ‘anxious overachievers’. They are tweens and very much pre-occupied with each other, their friendships, their zoom calls and raiding my fridge.

This thread makes it sound like I am in a constant morass of seething resentment all the time. I’m not. Most of the time I feel I have reconciled myself to the personal limitations of this marriage.

The children mostly see two parents who are very often physically affectionate, kind to each other and who spend a lot of time with them. Just sometimes - when he goes through low patches, drinks, is deeply moody etc. I feel at breaking point and that I just can’t bear it anymore. It’s me who suffers in this situation. Not because he abuses me or shouts at me or is an overtly bad person. But because I cannot help but imagine how my life could be if I had a husband who could actually carry half the load of life, who I could rely on, who was consistently loving, who was a true partner not an additional burden of responsibility to carry in an already overburdened life. But it IS my burden, not the children’s.

When we temporarily separated I spoke to the school, their teachers and the welfare team to have an eye kept on them in case they were suffering from stress or anxiety. I also had an educational psychologist spend time with them both. Clean bill of health on all fronts - at least consciously. No clue what they are “modelling” in terms of subliminal messaging for future relationships. If this theory was correct does that mean children of single parents will stay single?

My own parents did not provide a good relationship model for me and my mothers palpable disgust for my serial cheat father was certainly absorbed by me. That is perhaps why I am extremely careful not to in any way alienate them from their father, whose good qualities i point out, whilst allowing them to express any worries or concerns they may have if daddy is feeling “down”. They understand that he often doesn’t sleep well and that sometimes makes him irritable. If he ever is snappy with them he apologies and explains it wasn’t their fault. Ever since I made him move out and he spent most of a year living on his own, he has certainly materially improved his interaction with the kids. Pretty much the only thing he DOES put effort into is his relationship with them.

I’m not a stupid woman nor one who is living with a head in the sand about my kids welfare. I’m still here because my considered judgement having spent many months assessing all the alternatives, from a position of distance after effecting a separation where I paid for him to live in an apartment walking distance from the house, is that it’s a less damaging option for my children to remain together than not. It’s clearly a MORE damaging option for ME. But that has to take a backseat to their needs.

I dream of one day, when the children are independent, of finally getting my independence and starting a new life. I’m working and saving with a view to making that a possibility in the future, if my H never manages to deal with his problems. It might be slightly longer than a five year plan. But at least when I am finally in a position to prioritise myself I will try to have put all the infrastructure and finances in place to do so.

In 12 years he has really stitched you up, hasn't he. In 12 short years you have taken all responsibility for everything, done all the work, earned all the money and he enjoys the five bedroom house, the sportscar, and the foreign holidays and having it off with the next door neighbour if not with you. He hasn't held any job for six years and hasn't held a decent job in 10 years. And he is the one with mental health issues. He's no dad of the year either abandoning his son from his first marriage. At the first sign that you need some support after working yourself to a frazzle, he is nowhere to be found.

If I were you my rage would be boundless. I would never have let him move back in. I wouldn't care if he had childhood trauma - I had childhood trauma. You have spent a lot of time on money on treatment which he never followed through with. Obviously he didn't care less if his son from his first marriage had childhood trauma because he wasn't there to even find out. He's not going to have the children half the time either - that would sound like hard work. I think the children will come to hold him in contempt sooner than you think. If they are not stupid, they will know that you do all the work and pay for everything while he is either sleeping, drinking or managing sex with other people.

If my maths is right, you're only early forties. Why are you settling for this? Given that there's no sex, you might as well take a friend to Ikea. I feel that if anything had happened to you that he would have soon found somebody else to latch onto.

You might be happy with the pre-nup and good on you for that but who gets guardianship of your children and control of your money if anything happens to you? I would make very sure that money is tied up tightly for your children's benefit and that your husband can't get his hands on it because he would just run through it.

Unless you want to spend your retirement years with this sad excuse of a husband, I'd get rid now. The older you are, the harder it is to start again (sad but true) so I wouldn't be waiting 8 years.

@needsomeperspective

Fortunately the drinking is occasional not constant, usual when I leave him on his own downstairs and go to bed alone. It’s not something the children are even aware of. Fortunately they are extremely happy children, have many friends, do well at school without being, as a pp put it ‘anxious overachievers’. They are tweens and very much pre-occupied with each other, their friendships, their zoom calls and raiding my fridge.

This thread makes it sound like I am in a constant morass of seething resentment all the time. I’m not. Most of the time I feel I have reconciled myself to the personal limitations of this marriage.

The children mostly see two parents who are very often physically affectionate, kind to each other and who spend a lot of time with them. Just sometimes - when he goes through low patches, drinks, is deeply moody etc. I feel at breaking point and that I just can’t bear it anymore. It’s me who suffers in this situation. Not because he abuses me or shouts at me or is an overtly bad person. But because I cannot help but imagine how my life could be if I had a husband who could actually carry half the load of life, who I could rely on, who was consistently loving, who was a true partner not an additional burden of responsibility to carry in an already overburdened life. But it IS my burden, not the children’s.

When we temporarily separated I spoke to the school, their teachers and the welfare team to have an eye kept on them in case they were suffering from stress or anxiety. I also had an educational psychologist spend time with them both. Clean bill of health on all fronts - at least consciously. No clue what they are “modelling” in terms of subliminal messaging for future relationships. If this theory was correct does that mean children of single parents will stay single?

My own parents did not provide a good relationship model for me and my mothers palpable disgust for my serial cheat father was certainly absorbed by me. That is perhaps why I am extremely careful not to in any way alienate them from their father, whose good qualities i point out, whilst allowing them to express any worries or concerns they may have if daddy is feeling “down”. They understand that he often doesn’t sleep well and that sometimes makes him irritable. If he ever is snappy with them he apologies and explains it wasn’t their fault. Ever since I made him move out and he spent most of a year living on his own, he has certainly materially improved his interaction with the kids. Pretty much the only thing he DOES put effort into is his relationship with them.

I’m not a stupid woman nor one who is living with a head in the sand about my kids welfare. I’m still here because my considered judgement having spent many months assessing all the alternatives, from a position of distance after effecting a separation where I paid for him to live in an apartment walking distance from the house, is that it’s a less damaging option for my children to remain together than not. It’s clearly a MORE damaging option for ME. But that has to take a backseat to their needs.

I dream of one day, when the children are independent, of finally getting my independence and starting a new life. I’m working and saving with a view to making that a possibility in the future, if my H never manages to deal with his problems. It might be slightly longer than a five year plan. But at least when I am finally in a position to prioritise myself I will try to have put all the infrastructure and finances in place to do so.

Well, then. Everything’s fine.

You’ve got it all figured out, and the kids are - for all intents and purposes - the product of a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship.

Good thing you started this thread. You’ve gone from desperate, to nothing-to-see-here.

Situation resolved. Right?

Well, you’re setting it up so that when you escape your dh because you feel the children no longer need him, your children will feel obliged to look after him, instead, while you “reclaim your freedom.”

I left an unhappy marriage. Kids are fine, i am great. Like you i have a good career and and am well paid. That takes away alot of the stress. Had 2-3 years of dating (fun) then met the love of my life.

You're not acknowledging the fear of being on your own properly and as you won't be desperate you will actually have the time to build the life you want.

Really awful situation but I can see why it may seem easier to structure it like this as you have your other support network. If you split my main worry would be if he has the kids on his own. He would presumably have this right ? At least you know now that every day they are cared for and in good routine. You just have this (albeit troubled) lump hanging about.
He needs some sort of hobby/volunteer work / job of some sort. Something to give him self worth that doesn't impact you

I dream of one day, when the children are independent, of finally getting my independence and starting a new life. I’m working and saving with a view to making that a possibility in the future, if my H never manages to deal with his problems. It might be slightly longer than a five year plan. But at least when I am finally in a position to prioritise myself I will try to have put all the infrastructure and finances in place to do so.

I absolutely guarantee you that when you get to this point, you will look back and wish to God you'd done it sooner.

Nevermind your own life wasting away, do you want your kids to grow more and more like him (and more and more fucked up by him) while you wait?

I am not sure you are coming out of this particularly well. He sounds like a shit husband but you sound like you are being pretty awful to him. This is not a life for either of you

To be honest your a poor mother letting your child's father staying married to you and living in your home. Your doing all the work to keep the bills paid. Your paying staff to mind your kids and to do the house hold things that you don't have the time to do. Meanwhile your husband is playing the poor me, I had a hard childhood and I don't want to to to do anything to help myself. You spent a fortune trying to get him and he refuses to do anything. Then he cheats on you.
He is drinking and taking drugs. I know some who choked on their own vomit after a drinking and drugs session and their partner found them dead. Is this what you want one of your kids to see?
Despite what you think this is effecting your children and as they get older they will be getting more aware and notice what going on. People that you know might have a good idea of what's going on as well.
At this stage you need to tell him it over and that you will give him money to move out. I tell him that he can sign on for benefits as your no longer financially responsible for him. Tell him that since he refuses to avail of treatment, does nothing in the house and continues to drink and take drugs that his free ride is over. Get a divorce. Let your children have supervised access with him.
Your only in your early 40s and it a horrible life you have with him. Your distroying your own children's lives
despite what you think. Your in a financial position to end things so why are you staying with this waste of space who's dragging you all down? Any one reading your post can see that you have nothing left in regards to your husband so why don't you end things with him now. I think once you do this you will feel better and your child will be happier.

I, am baffled that your children are better off with a father who drinks and sleeps it off. They really aren't you know ask any adult who grew up in a home like this. You're so far down a rabbit hole enabling his behaviour

Well, then. Everything’s fine. You’ve got it all figured out, and the kids are - for all intents and purposes - the product of a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship

seek counselling by yourself, as I think you need therapy every bit as much as your DH does. There is a reason why you took on this damaged person as a partner, and it isn’t healthy.

Lots of great advice from lots of posters. But OP is going to do what she has been doing all along.

Seriously, what a shit-show. Your poor children.

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

With kindness OP, you are enabling this behaviour. What incentive does he have to change at the moment? I'd boot him out and busy myself with building a happy, stable life. I know it can be so scary to go it alone but you will be more content in the end.

@Ilady

To be honest your a poor mother letting your child's father staying married to you and living in your home. Your doing all the work to keep the bills paid. Your paying staff to mind your kids and to do the house hold things that you don't have the time to do. Meanwhile your husband is playing the poor me, I had a hard childhood and I don't want to to to do anything to help myself. You spent a fortune trying to get him and he refuses to do anything. Then he cheats on you. He is drinking and taking drugs. I know some who choked on their own vomit after a drinking and drugs session and their partner found them dead. Is this what you want one of your kids to see? Despite what you think this is effecting your children and as they get older they will be getting more aware and notice what going on. People that you know might have a good idea of what's going on as well. At this stage you need to tell him it over and that you will give him money to move out. I tell him that he can sign on for benefits as your no longer financially responsible for him. Tell him that since he refuses to avail of treatment, does nothing in the house and continues to drink and take drugs that his free ride is over. Get a divorce. Let your children have supervised access with him. Your only in your early 40s and it a horrible life you have with him. Your distroying your own children's lives despite what you think. Your in a financial position to end things so why are you staying with this waste of space who's dragging you all down? Any one reading your post can see that you have nothing left in regards to your husband so why don't you end things with him now. I think once you do this you will feel better and your child will be happier.

This is some very straight talking, no nonsense truth OP. Listen to this advice.