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Original poster

Wedding invitation

224 replies

AnnieMay55 · 06/09/2021 15:43

We have been sent an invitation to our niece's wedding for myself, husband and two adult children mid to late thirties. Our children have lived independently for 15+ years. Eldest who is single, was quite offended by this, saying it looks like mum dad and two kids. Youngest has lived with partner for two years, will be 3 by the wedding but partner not invited to cousins wedding. What I find most annoying is the fact I received the invitation so emailed and politely said it would be best to send them their own invitation as I didn't want an awkward conversation saying they were invited but not partner. I thought I'd put it clearly but I just received a reply saying they could both come in the evening. This wedding is over 5 hours away at a chosen scenic location involving one night's accommodation for the evening but two nights if going to the whole thing. I just found this a joke and quite rude expecting someone to go just to the evening this far away. I didn't reply as I'd told them to do their own invitation. Our child has not heard anything , in more than a month since.

OP posts:
SW1amp · 06/09/2021 19:24

This reply has been deleted

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SmallDragonfly · 06/09/2021 19:34

Do they even have the addresses for your children to send an invite too?
When I got married I sent invites to families rather individuals, including adult children if I didn't know where they were living.

I think you were rude to comment on it though..

Piglet89 · 06/09/2021 19:35

@SW1amp BRILLIANT.

I’ve put my back out and it hurts to laugh so I am properly having to hold in real life LOLZ.

Hyppogriff · 06/09/2021 19:38

You are being a nightmare relative here sorry

TractorAndHeadphones · 06/09/2021 19:50

@Graphista

Wow!

You and your immediate family are being very entitled and rude quite honestly.

Weddings are expensive including stationery and I think chances are your niece doesn't have contact details for her cousins if they're not especially close?

You need to apologise to your niece and those INVITED need to decide whether to go or not and communicate politely via rsvp or similar

I'm from a large close family and had a traditional chapel wedding and I wouldn't have been able (numbers in venue for fire safety plus cost) to invite cousins partners/spouses to the wedding too. That's insane expecting that.

however this niece has several siblings and it was the other way around we would never have left out two unmarried partners.

Have you even planned a wedding in recent years? Paid for one?

You can't possibly invite and pay for every relative!

No they didn't know their address which means they aren't even that close!

You need to build a bridge op...

Oldest daughter single, youngest living with partner… if OP a had any wedding experience she might see it differently! Also ‘other siblings invited everyone’ so what? They may have had more money to throw a bigger wedding
ittakes2 · 06/09/2021 19:55

It sounds like your children are not close to this cousin so best they just don't go!

Sorrycantreadtest · 06/09/2021 20:05

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

You have made a lot of assumptions there. My DC and their partner are the least 'instagram' people I know. Their starting point was never about the look of the wedding, but how to invite the maximum no of guests within their budget. The venue they have chosen was the one which could accommodate the most guests , within their budget, and which did not require guests to arrange overnight accommodation. They looked at so many places - from community centres, to church halls, to barns to hotels. None could accommodate the number of guests they would have needed if they were doing +1s for everyone. Unfortunately, when you have two large families and a lot of friends, not facebook acquaintances, unless you are rolling in money, it is not always possible to include everyone. Perhaps if they were the image conscious people you imagine, it would have been easier to cut their guest list. As it is, I have seen them struggle to find a way to invite as many as possible on the budget they have. We have offered to help pay for the extras but if the venue says no, there is not much more they can do.

TractorAndHeadphones · 06/09/2021 20:14

[quote Sorrycantreadtest]@MayorGoodwaysChicken

You have made a lot of assumptions there. My DC and their partner are the least 'instagram' people I know. Their starting point was never about the look of the wedding, but how to invite the maximum no of guests within their budget. The venue they have chosen was the one which could accommodate the most guests , within their budget, and which did not require guests to arrange overnight accommodation. They looked at so many places - from community centres, to church halls, to barns to hotels. None could accommodate the number of guests they would have needed if they were doing +1s for everyone. Unfortunately, when you have two large families and a lot of friends, not facebook acquaintances, unless you are rolling in money, it is not always possible to include everyone. Perhaps if they were the image conscious people you imagine, it would have been easier to cut their guest list. As it is, I have seen them struggle to find a way to invite as many as possible on the budget they have. We have offered to help pay for the extras but if the venue says no, there is not much more they can do.[/quote]
Exactly. The U.K. isn’t used to big weddings. Sure you can find a ‘village hall’ or somewhere that’s out of the way but then people would have to travel. And there’s the added cost of feeding said guests - no point in paying for a large venue but not being able to feed people properly.

Ducksurprise · 06/09/2021 21:20

What would you have thought if the invite was just to you and didn't mention your children?

Kite22 · 06/09/2021 21:57

Because I wanted my wedding to have a dance floor packed full of people having a brilliant time and enjoying being there. Of course the bride and groom can ask or exclude whoever they want but they run the risk of a full wedding full of bored and resentful guests who would have liked to come with their partner.

I think that say more about your choice of friends than anything else. I was only chatting to my dn a couple of weeks ago who had just got back from 2 nights away, at a wedding with her University friends and without her long term partner. she was saying how lovely it was. She had no issue at all with coping without her partner for two nights, and had a fantastic weekend with the University friends (one of who was the bride) and completely not only understood why the couple couldn't afford to double the numbers, but actually said it was such a lovely weekend.
No-one was bored, and no-one resentful.
If you are part of a couple that can't cope with being apart for a night or two, then you are very welcome to decline the invitation. If you really don't enjoy the company of your own extended family, then decline the invitation. Nobody needs to go and then be resentful.

Bananarama21 · 06/09/2021 22:26

You sound hardwork and she's invited you to save the peace out duty.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 06/09/2021 22:26

Of course lots of people can have lots of fun without their partners-we’re talking in general terms here. Most people invited to a wedding solo will not have a huge group of friends also there. How often are there threads on here with people really annoyed because they’ve been asked to travel hundreds of miles on a Tuesday for a wedding their partner and kids aren’t invited to, and more often than not they go but clearly aren’t happy about it. Personally I have quite a lot of friends from different aspects of my life who don’t know each other so inviting individuals would leave a lot of people not knowing many people or even anyone. Of course every situation is different and what works for some won’t work for others but as a general rule I think most people would like to have the option to attend a wedding with their partner. It doesn’t mean they’re boring and incapable of being apart! This thread is getting a bit bonkers anyway!

Starseeking · 06/09/2021 22:36

Assuming they can all make it, OP's DH and 2 DC will be in attendance, most likely other known wider family members will be there too.

Far from being strangers, I presume they all know each other well, and are happy to spend a few hours together at a wedding, without having to bring partners.

LovePoppy · 06/09/2021 22:37

It’s odd they sent it to you, but I’d have looked passed that.

I wouldn’t have emailed demanding they send invitations to your children. In their mind, they’d already invited them

LovePoppy · 06/09/2021 22:40

[quote AnnieMay55]@MayorGoodwaysChicken
Thanks for your views .
I blame Instagram..... This is what I feel this is, the venue , amazing for Instagram. Obviously B and G can choose whatever they want. By the way I did accept promptly for myself and husband.[/quote]
Or perhaps they just loved it?

Graphista · 06/09/2021 22:49

Also ‘other siblings invited everyone’ so what? They may have had more money to throw a bigger wedding

Exactly!

WeAllHaveWings · 07/09/2021 07:59

[quote AnnieMay55]@MayorGoodwaysChicken
Thanks for your views .
I blame Instagram..... This is what I feel this is, the venue , amazing for Instagram. Obviously B and G can choose whatever they want. By the way I did accept promptly for myself and husband.[/quote]
You were invited as a family unit, adult or not, and whether you think right or wrong that was how they chose to extend the invite. You have rsvp'd for yourself and your dh only.

The b+g will probably assume their cousins are not attending as there was no acceptance for them.

Lanique · 07/09/2021 09:57

🤣 Instagram wasn't invented when I got married, but I can assure you that if it had been, it would have been among the least of my priorities. What was on my mind when I chose the venue was:

What dates is it free this summer? (we had a short engagement)
Can we afford it?
Do I feel happy, comfortable and at home here? (It was perfect - a country house similar to my grandma's, all to ourselves, and with a marquee on the lawn)
Will it accommodate guests that are travelling long distance?
Will it fit a reasonable amount of people?

So I can assure you that the last things on my mind when selecting the venue was:

How it would reflect on me in a dystopian Insta-world
Whether it would fit my cousins' short-term partners, few of whom I had ever met.

Lanique · 07/09/2021 09:58

*were, not was

patchoulicloud · 07/09/2021 10:28

This is batshit. 😄
I'm fairly sure I've had invites through my parents for family weddings well into my 20s and hadn't lived at home since I was 16. It really doesn't bother me.

I agree with others that this is a courtesy invite and they are heavily rolling their eyes over the rudeness of the op.

I invited some cousins and not others to my wedding.

I alone have 20 first cousins who all have partners and most already had children when I got married. My husband also has a large family but not as big as mine.
I don't see most of them and don't even like many.
There was a tradition in my family to have large, whole family weddings until recent years. It was just what we did.
Church weddings and church hall receptions to accommodate lots of people.
I would find this really overwhelming and frankly annoying.

I didn't want that and neither did some of the cousins my age. I know there were comments and whispers about the change but fuck them.
I'd have had a guest list of over 150 people if I'd invited everyone.
Even with my list of 50, I still had bloody courtesy invites because of pressure from my mum. And one person called for me to add a step-child I'm not sure I knew existed.

CantStartaFireWithoutaSpark · 07/09/2021 11:07

On a separate note, I am married; live in a different country to my parents.
Cousins have sent wedding invites to my parents house. Not only do I not life there, or visit very often; I don’t even live in the country. It drives me nuts. The stamp is only a few pence extra.
Why should we attend a wedding if they can’t even bother to make sure we received the invite? I digress.
Carry on telling the OP she’s rude… cause she is.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/09/2021 11:09

I think you’re making things difficult OP.

Just accept on behalf of those who want to go and decline for those who don’t. Your adult kids seem more concerned about their “status” in the family than wishing the bride and groom well!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/09/2021 11:11

I mean it’s a bit unusual to send via you but it is what it is.

Palavah · 07/09/2021 11:41

Ps -

  1. 'no ring =no bring' weddings are awesome.
  2. i was once invited to a cousin's wedding on a family invitation sent to my parents. As a mid-30s single woman i did feel a bit sore, as did your DD, but I realised that was just a reflection of my insecurities, plus it meant i didn't feel obliged to get a separate wedding present and piggy-backed on my parents'.
seaandsandcastles · 07/09/2021 12:12

Even if they did choose the venue because it’s insta-worthy (which basically means it’s attractive, and who doesn’t want a beautiful wedding venue anyway?!), so what? It’s not your wedding.

You were rude.