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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invitation

224 replies

AnnieMay55 · 06/09/2021 15:43

We have been sent an invitation to our niece's wedding for myself, husband and two adult children mid to late thirties. Our children have lived independently for 15+ years. Eldest who is single, was quite offended by this, saying it looks like mum dad and two kids. Youngest has lived with partner for two years, will be 3 by the wedding but partner not invited to cousins wedding. What I find most annoying is the fact I received the invitation so emailed and politely said it would be best to send them their own invitation as I didn't want an awkward conversation saying they were invited but not partner. I thought I'd put it clearly but I just received a reply saying they could both come in the evening. This wedding is over 5 hours away at a chosen scenic location involving one night's accommodation for the evening but two nights if going to the whole thing. I just found this a joke and quite rude expecting someone to go just to the evening this far away. I didn't reply as I'd told them to do their own invitation. Our child has not heard anything , in more than a month since.

OP posts:
GoWalkabout · 06/09/2021 16:03

It doesn't matter if they have the etiquette wrong, you have been extremely rude. All you needed to do is accept or decline for yourselves and your individual dc. Asking them to sort out extra invites is a rude imposition.

VioletVesper · 06/09/2021 16:03

@KleineDracheKokosnuss

They’ve invited their aunt/uncle and two cousins. Perfectly fine. They don’t have to invite the cousins spouses, and unless the cousins see them often (sounds unlikely) they are only inviting the cousins and possibly also you out of familial obligation.

It’s an invite, not a summons. Accept or not, it’s your choice.

Exactly! Sorry OP but it’s unreasonable to expect your childrens’ partners to be invited and it’s you who has been rude and made it awkward.
RiversideAnne · 06/09/2021 16:05

You’re being really awkward for no good reason. Tell your child not to be so huffy about not having their own invitation and rsvp appropriately. There’s no need for anyone to attend the reception if they don’t want to, but don’t be difficult and stroppy about it.

AryaStarkWolf · 06/09/2021 16:05

YABU, your children can just say No if they'd rather not go without their partners

ManifestDestinee · 06/09/2021 16:06

You think THEY are the rude ones in this? The mind boggles Hmm

Original poster
AnnieMay55 · 06/09/2021 16:06

There is no excuse not knowing their addresses, they are not close but friends on Facebook and message. I just feel we were sent the invitation to save their embarrassment not including partner. Ok many don't agree with me however this niece has several siblings and it was the other way around we would never have left out two unmarried partners. At least one of her siblings has invited my child's partner to their wedding which is before this one.

OP posts:
MoreAloneTime · 06/09/2021 16:06

It's very tacky to not send an adult their own invitation and to leave off an established partner. The evening only invitation is also inappropriate given the distance you mention. They sound very rude and I wouldn't blame your children for feeling put out

pigsDOfly · 06/09/2021 16:07

I agree OP, it is odd not to send adult family members who no long live with parents a separate invitation.

Several years ago my exh received an invitation to something (can't remember if it was a wedding) from his family in America that included our adult children - two daughters and one son.

They'd all left home years before, and one of them was married.

Fair enough, the invitation sender did have addresses for them, but the bit that really threw me was the fact that they referred to our son as 'Master John Smith', obviously not his real name; he was in his late 20s at the time, a fact that they would have been fully aware of.

He did go.

pigsDOfly · 06/09/2021 16:09

*invitation sender didn't have addresses

pigsDOfly · 06/09/2021 16:09

oh for god's sake.

He didn't go

SMabbutt · 06/09/2021 16:11

Do they even have their cousin's addresses or emails? I wouldn't be upset by it and neither would any of my grown up offspring. If people don't want to go that's fine, but I honestly think getting annoyed that they have tried to streamline their admin by inviting people in family groups is a bit of a fuss over nothing.

Yogity · 06/09/2021 16:11

I'd be inclined to agree with PP saying it is likely due to budgetary reasons. When we got married we called our invitations "fancy litter."

I agree that maybe under strict wedding etiquette DC should have got their own invites given they are adults but I think YABU to make a fuss. Wedding planning can be really stressful and expensive at the best of times and it was generous of the couple to invite you all in the first place. This is one to let go and be gracious

ShingleBeach · 06/09/2021 16:12

They probably didn’t give it such detailed thought, but you are quick to assign a dastardly motive to their invitation to your family as a family.

You are ‘most annoyed’, your offspring ‘offended’ … have any of you had the manners to reply?

Family Hard-Work.

Movingsoon21 · 06/09/2021 16:13

OP YABVU! So they haven’t done the invitations as you would have liked. Tough! It’s not your day! They may not have had enough invitations as they often get sent in packs of say 30 or 50 and they wouldn’t want to order an extra 30 just for 2 extra as they are very expensive.

It’s also very common to not invite other halves if you don’t know them well. It’s neither here nor there what other cousins have done, this is one particular couple’s wedding and they should invite who they want. Maybe they have more friends than their sibling so can’t fit other halves? It’s not like they’ve invited anyone on their own - your DC will have their sibling, parents and rest of the family there with them.

Stop being so rude, demanding extra invitations and the like, and just RSVP for the people on the invitation. I assume you are in contact with your DC so are able to ask them?

bamboocat · 06/09/2021 16:13

@AnnieMay55

Is it not odd to send one invitation , when offspring are heading towards 40 and haven't lived at home for many years and not local to us either. I would think a live in serious partner when you are mid thirties for a fairly close relative would have been more normal especially when there is so much travel ( also by train as non driver) and accomodation to pay for.
Yes, I'm with you OP - it is really very odd to include almost middle-aged adults on their parents' invitation like that, especially when they haven't lived at home for some years.

Whoever sent the invitations out - well they have fouled up etiquette-wise, that's for sure.

HappyTimeTunnelDinosaur · 06/09/2021 16:14

Sounds like you are being cheeky and rude and they are being very accommodating.

Flowers500 · 06/09/2021 16:15

You're like a walking cactus, put down your Debretts, nobody cares anymore

Backtobacktheyfacedeachother · 06/09/2021 16:17

You emailed and instructed them to send invitations separately! Shock rude.
It doesn’t matter what the ‘done thing’ is or how odd you think it is, they’ve chosen to do things differently.

Plumtree391 · 06/09/2021 16:17

@RedHelenB

So you husband and 2 children were invited for the whole day and the kids partners for the evening? If so yabu, nothing wrong with that.
I agree.
Flowers500 · 06/09/2021 16:18

@AnnieMay55

There is no excuse not knowing their addresses, they are not close but friends on Facebook and message. I just feel we were sent the invitation to save their embarrassment not including partner. Ok many don't agree with me however this niece has several siblings and it was the other way around we would never have left out two unmarried partners. At least one of her siblings has invited my child's partner to their wedding which is before this one.
Most young people wouldn't know the postal addresses of their friends, this isn't the 19th century.

And if I were getting married, unless I was the Monopoly Man I wouldn't invite partners I didn't know for more distant family memberswhy am I going to pay thousands of pounds to host a load of randos when the guests already know lots of people? I find this idea bizarreif I can afford 120 guests, I don't want 30-40 of them being random people I don't know. I would only consider a plus one a must if they didn't know others there.

CurbsideProphet · 06/09/2021 16:19

We were invited to my cousin's wedding via an invite that just went to my parents. My sibling and I are in our 30s and are both married. That's a non issue. Everyone knows that weddings are expensive. They would have to drop 2 friends from the guest list to accommodate +1 for both of your children. Why should they? My parents and sibling went to a wedding pre covid just the 3 of them - I wasn't invited and neither was my sibling's spouse. There are more important things in life to get het up about.

Notonthestairs · 06/09/2021 16:19

So you've asked for further invitations to be sent out AND requested additional places?

And they are rude!

I suspect you aren't in the least bit close to bride or groom and your kids haven't seen them in years.

Don't go. Let them choose someone else.

lockdownmadnessdotcom · 06/09/2021 16:19

Do they have your offspring's addresses?

If they don't, I can see why they'd just send an invite to all of you. Yes they could ask you for the address but it's probably easier to send it for all of you. Not something to get overexcited about.

As for the evening invitation, yes if it's 5 hours away it's not very realistic. But maybe they are tight on numbers for the daytime.

Your "children" don't have to go.

Normandy144 · 06/09/2021 16:21

I agree it is very strange to send invitations for adult children to their parents/childhood home. I suspect they didn't want it to look awkward by sending invitations without plus ones to their cousins which would also look strange. Now they have this even more awkward situation whereby they've suggested the partners can come to the evening do which is really far away. I think if their budget is such that they can't afford to invite partners then they should have just been bold and sent individual invitations and stuck by their decision. I'm with you OP!

SarahBellam · 06/09/2021 16:21

Is there a reason your age 30+ adult children are unable to cope without their partners for a day or two? It's really weird they've gone crying to their mum about it, who in turn has actually gone and asked the bride and groom for extra invites. If that's not entitlement then I really don't know what is.