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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding invitation

224 replies

AnnieMay55 · 06/09/2021 15:43

We have been sent an invitation to our niece's wedding for myself, husband and two adult children mid to late thirties. Our children have lived independently for 15+ years. Eldest who is single, was quite offended by this, saying it looks like mum dad and two kids. Youngest has lived with partner for two years, will be 3 by the wedding but partner not invited to cousins wedding. What I find most annoying is the fact I received the invitation so emailed and politely said it would be best to send them their own invitation as I didn't want an awkward conversation saying they were invited but not partner. I thought I'd put it clearly but I just received a reply saying they could both come in the evening. This wedding is over 5 hours away at a chosen scenic location involving one night's accommodation for the evening but two nights if going to the whole thing. I just found this a joke and quite rude expecting someone to go just to the evening this far away. I didn't reply as I'd told them to do their own invitation. Our child has not heard anything , in more than a month since.

OP posts:

WTFisNext · 06/09/2021 16:55

@AnnieMay55

Is it not odd to send one invitation , when offspring are heading towards 40 and haven't lived at home for many years and not local to us either. I would think a live in serious partner when you are mid thirties for a fairly close relative would have been more normal especially when there is so much travel ( also by train as non driver) and accomodation to pay for.

I'm a 40 something married with children, pretty much all family weddings have been an invitation sent to my parents with us invited as single children. It's clearly a courteous invitation to keep the peace rather than a "we'd love you to be there' invitation.

In contrast when I'm very close to the family in question, I've had my own invitation which may or may not include my husband/children. On these occasions I'm clearly invited as a guest rather than just as a token family member to keep the peace.

You really haven't read the situation brilliantly and are now at risk of being 'that' aunty at the wedding.

Derbee · 06/09/2021 16:56

I think YABU.

For a family wedding, it’s fine to send a family invite. It was appallingly rude of you to respond to the invitation in the way that you did. You should be embarrassed when you look back on it.

As to partners for the evening - this was NOT an expectation from the couple, this was an offer to appease a ridiculously rude relative (you).

It’s completely normal to invite spouses only to weddings, depending on budgets it. If you don’t want to go, don’t go. But don’t be so bloody rude and entitled/difficult

Flowers500 · 06/09/2021 16:57

Some people have oodles of etiquette but zero manners.

Concestor · 06/09/2021 16:58

@AnnieMay55

I think it's odd. My cousin did this, sent an invitation to my parents' house for them, me and my sibling. Sibling was living with partner and I was engaged but our partners weren't invited. I told my mum I wouldn't be attending. I thought it was incredibly rude.

NailsNeedDoing · 06/09/2021 16:59

If it were a friends wedding I’d agree with you that it’s much nicer for everyone invited to have a partner with them, even if it means giving plus ones to people you don’t know. But you have been invited as the family unit the bride know as she was growing up, because she doesn’t see her cousins anymore. It’s a courtesy invite, and it’s fine.

tillytoodles1 · 06/09/2021 16:59

I hate evening only invitations. Its like saying you're not good enough for the whole day, but you can buy us a present, pay for your own drinks and get some sausage
rolls and a sandwich later. My daughter only had 60 guests all day for that reason. Each to their own though.

todaysdilemma · 06/09/2021 16:59

Who cares why they invited your children via you?? They obviously do not want to pay for partners and that is their prerogative. It is not your RIGHT to be invited to any wedding. Any invitation is a courtesy. Weddings are not cheap and just because you or someone else would invite partners, does not mean they have to.

Stop being so judgemental and awkward. People like you who completely forget that the wedding is about the COUPLE, and their wishes, are the reason there is so much stress surrounding this joyous event. If you are offended, DON'T GO. It is bonkers entitled behaviour to not only expect an invitation, expect it to be sent a certain way, and then to also expect partners to be invited. Your children should have more consideration and self awareness than to get upset over their partners not being invited - so why on earth should it be awkward for you to tell them they aren't invited.

NowEvenBetter · 06/09/2021 17:01

How do people not realise that OP and her kids and husband were being invited (out of obligation) as a family group?
Who the f would want their (second?) cousins boyfriends/girlfriends at their wedding?! 😂

Original poster

AnnieMay55 · 06/09/2021 17:01

@Bypassed21 No they didn't know their address but could easily have found out from their joint grandmother or us or sent on messenger, WhatsApp or just asked them on messenger as they do message. For those saying I asked for an extra person, I politely asked if they could send them their own invitation which isn't quite the same and all they did was continue to message me. We have met in person about 3 times in the last 2 or 3 months since Covid restrictions ended but our kids have just once.
Anyway it has been interesting to see the more common opinion on this

OP posts:

GreenClock · 06/09/2021 17:06

I doubt the couple mind whether you and your kids go or not TBH, OP. They’d probably prefer to be surrounded by friends, people they’ve chosen to be in their lives. This is absolutely not a criticism of you or your husband and children, but a general observation backed up by the PP who’s a wedding arranger.

If you do decide to attend as a four, enjoy the day.

Greystray · 06/09/2021 17:10

It's an obligation invite, I'm surprised you don't see that. You're being invited out of familial duty, your DN probably spent no longer thinking about your family dynamics than it took to write the invite.

Why didn't she track down each of your DC's addresses and find out about their partners? Because she probably doesn't care. As you say, they are not close. It's her event, not yours. She invited you all out of politeness. You could have just attended in the same spirit, not complain that your kids partners weren't getting to go to a party. It was nice of her to find space for the partners for the evening event after you asked.

Shirleyphallus · 06/09/2021 17:11

Oh come on, did this really happen….?!

Rach888 · 06/09/2021 17:14

Wow the words mountain and mole hill spring to mind. I was invited to my cousin’s wedding a few years back via an invitation sent to my Dad (my cousin didn’t know my address). My long term partner was not invited. I didn’t even think to be offended. Some people are impossible to please and love to find offence where there is none.

Did you consider that maybe they may not even want you or your family there and are inviting you out of courtesy? Gain some self-awareness OP, you’re definitely the unreasonable one here. I bet the bride and groom had a laugh at your email response!

Willyoujustbequiet · 06/09/2021 17:15

I don't think it's strange at all. We used to get family invites like this.

I'm sorry but I think you are the one being rude.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 06/09/2021 17:17

Maybe they are just inviting you out of politeness but not really expecting your offspring to attend?

Rsvp no if you aren't bothered about going. I'm sure it won't be an issue.

cervixuser · 06/09/2021 17:19

I agree with the OP - it's weird to include adult children who don't live with their parents on the same invitation. It would also be much nicer if they'd messaged the cousin and said that they couldn't invite partner but they'd love to have the cousin.

Lweji · 06/09/2021 17:19

It looks like they are restricting numbers and hoping it will just be you.
TBH, I'd be happy to be left out of a cousin's wedding that is 5 hours away.

Aprilinspringtimeshower · 06/09/2021 17:20

Niece has not invited cousins (my DC) partners to her wedding. Not an issue for me, but a little bit off for my DC as it is a long distance meaning overnight stay and they’d have liked their partners to have the weekend away too and enjoy a party,
However, it is very odd and a bit immature for niece to have sent the cousins invite to you given they are 40 🙄. My niece sent my DC their own invite. Unless she doesn’t have an address for them- in which case she can’t be close to cousins and probably only invited out of courtesy, hoping they’d decline

starfishmummy · 06/09/2021 17:23

It does seem very odd that invitations for "adult children" who have lived independently for so long have been sent via their parents!

These are your siblings kids so I don't think that saying to them "hey x and y don't live with me, can you contact them directly" would have been unreasonable; but mentioning that you didn't want to say the partner wasn't invited was rather PA and unnecessary.

summertime202 · 06/09/2021 17:23

I don't see the issue here? Are you looking for an argument with your family members? I have sent invitations for families of 4/5 in one, even though their "children" were in their 20s 30s. I had no complaints

maggiecate · 06/09/2021 17:24

[quote AnnieMay55]@Bypassed21 No they didn't know their address but could easily have found out from their joint grandmother or us or sent on messenger, WhatsApp or just asked them on messenger as they do message. For those saying I asked for an extra person, I politely asked if they could send them their own invitation which isn't quite the same and all they did was continue to message me. We have met in person about 3 times in the last 2 or 3 months since Covid restrictions ended but our kids have just once.
Anyway it has been interesting to see the more common opinion on this[/quote]
You’re heading into Hyacinth Bucket territory here - confusing etiquette with manners. Even if you do think they haven’t followed prescribed etiquette it’s incredibly bad manners to react in the way you have to an invitation.
Demanding additional invitations be sent when cards will already have been printed and used is quite astonishing given that your offspring know they’ve been invited - if there was a breach in the relationship and you weren’t in contact it would be appropriate but that’s not the case here.
Reply to your niece with an RSVP from all four of you, and say nothing else about the matter - otherwise you’re going to make yourself look very silly indeed.

SerendipitySunshine · 06/09/2021 17:27

I suspect you and your children will feel differently when they come to get married. Once you add up the people you have to have there, there's very little space for cousins' boy/girlfriends.

NewPapaGuinea · 06/09/2021 17:27

Would expect separate invites, either sent direct to their addresses or via you to pass on.

NotYourCupOfTea · 06/09/2021 17:28

Have they even met the partners?
Yes a bit lazy but clearly not close and probably wishing they hadn’t invited any of you now! Either go or don’t what a drama

flyingant · 06/09/2021 17:30

Why should your offspring be invited at all if they're not even close to your niece (let alone their partners)?

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