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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding invitation

224 replies

AnnieMay55 · 06/09/2021 15:43

We have been sent an invitation to our niece's wedding for myself, husband and two adult children mid to late thirties. Our children have lived independently for 15+ years. Eldest who is single, was quite offended by this, saying it looks like mum dad and two kids. Youngest has lived with partner for two years, will be 3 by the wedding but partner not invited to cousins wedding. What I find most annoying is the fact I received the invitation so emailed and politely said it would be best to send them their own invitation as I didn't want an awkward conversation saying they were invited but not partner. I thought I'd put it clearly but I just received a reply saying they could both come in the evening. This wedding is over 5 hours away at a chosen scenic location involving one night's accommodation for the evening but two nights if going to the whole thing. I just found this a joke and quite rude expecting someone to go just to the evening this far away. I didn't reply as I'd told them to do their own invitation. Our child has not heard anything , in more than a month since.

OP posts:

Notaroadrunner · 06/09/2021 16:35

@blacksax

I don't see why they couldn't just ask for their addresses, it's not exactly hard to do. And only one of the adult dc has a partner anyway, so it would be only one extra.

I'm inclined to agree with another pp in thinking that they were invited as a courtesy only.

And what if other cousins had a partner - the numbers add up very quickly when you start adding plus 1's.

BornIn78 · 06/09/2021 16:36

I do think you are over-reacting a little, however I do think sending one invitation to include grown up children that don't even live with you makes it look like it's going to be a stingy wedding, if they are even penny pinching on the number of invitations they're sending out.

takehomepay · 06/09/2021 16:37

@AnnieMay55

There is no excuse not knowing their addresses, they are not close but friends on Facebook and message. I just feel we were sent the invitation to save their embarrassment not including partner. Ok many don't agree with me however this niece has several siblings and it was the other way around we would never have left out two unmarried partners. At least one of her siblings has invited my child's partner to their wedding which is before this one.

Do the same to them when your dc get married!

Thatsjustwhatithink · 06/09/2021 16:37

Oof OP. Superb foot in mouth example from you 😅

SW1amp · 06/09/2021 16:39

On what planet can your oldest be ‘quite offended’ to learn she has been invited to a wedding?!
What sort of manners did you (not) bring them up with to not be pleased or gracious to be included in an event and instead go searching for something to get in a hump about?

It’s quite cringe and pathetic from both of you tbh

Cassandraprobs · 06/09/2021 16:39

YWNBU, it's very weird to invite a grown adult with their own household via a joint invite with their parents, that's really odd. If there were 3 or 4 generations would you send an invite to grandad and grandma for the whole extended family? Of course not!

Even if they had little contact with your children they could have sent separate invites 'c/o' your address, I wouldn't think that was wrong.

GoodGrief100 · 06/09/2021 16:40

I really wouldn't die in a ditch over this. I don't understand why people get so uptight about wedding invitations - either accept or decline and have a good old bitch behind her back with your kids if you feel you have to. You're being unnecessarily awkward and rude.

jelly79 · 06/09/2021 16:40

Your niece has 1000 things to think of and do. She handled 1 of these things differently than you expected. It's not the end of the world

She has invited you as a family, probably because it would be awkward not to invite your adult DC or to just invite them in the evening

You are making this awkward for her. Just accept or decline.

Bypassed21 · 06/09/2021 16:44

@AnnieMay55 You haven't answered the question about if your Niece would know the postal address of your children? They may be Facebook friends but that seriously means nothing! Do they exchange Christmas cards? If not, it's highly likely your children's addresses weren't in their address book - therefore it's been a lot more convenient for them to send an invitation that covers the whole family to the address they do have - ie yours. I wouldn't consider this rude or even odd TBH.

As others have pointed out its an invitation. No one here is obligated to go.

It's always an absolute nightmare deciding who to invite and who not to invite to a wedding. You have to consider costs - capacity at the venue, family dynamics, and who you actually want to be there. This kind of situation where someone's got offended by, frankly nothing, is precisely why its such a nightmare.

Good Luck to your niece I hope she has a very special day - that's the important thing here - not what address an invite was sent too.

Buttons294749 · 06/09/2021 16:45

I'm sure your DDs' partners will struggle terribly the weekend they are away and definitely not have a lovely night in the pub with their friends 🤣

It's a bit annoying but assume the cousins are not close?

FireworkParrot · 06/09/2021 16:45

I do think it's a bit odd that they sent the invitations via you and not directly to their cousins but can understand why (courtesy invite, money tight etc etc.) It's not rude though and I find it that you are het up about etiquette and think it's rude enough that you've posted on here then have gone and asked them to send out further invitations and fished for an extra invite! Perhaps they need etiquette lessons but if they do then you DEFINITELY do.

DisappearingGirl · 06/09/2021 16:46

It's a tricky one as cousins' families do start to add up!

I guess if the couple getting married only have your two kids as cousins and there's only 1 partner it would have been nice to invite him.

Then again - I have 9 cousins and my partner has 2 and if we got married I'd really like to invite them all. That would be 11 people. But if we invite all our cousins + their partners/spouses + kids, that would be 39 people! When added to all our parents/siblings/aunts/uncles and all our friends, that's heading towards a big wedding!

BluebellsGreenbells · 06/09/2021 16:47

Why would you get back lash from your child about lack of husband invite?

Do they have no manners?

RazorSharp · 06/09/2021 16:47

Your children are perfectly capable of having a night away from their partners, I think that it was very kind for the bride and groom to invite your entire family. Would it not be nice to spend some time as a family?

JustLyra · 06/09/2021 16:47

@AnnieMay55

Her sibling is obviously having a bigger/different wedding.

Boredhimtodeath · 06/09/2021 16:48

At least one of her siblings has invited my child's partner to their wedding which is before this one.

Irrelevant because it’s a different persons wedding.

They sent the invite to you to politely communicate it’s your direct family only. They aren’t inviting the person that is a stranger to them. It is their decision, they are inviting people that they want at their wedding, not people a distant Aunt wants at it. Why should they pay for the meal of someone that won’t bring anything extra to the day, that money can be better spent elsewhere.

If you are already looking for problems then please don’t go, you won’t enjoy it because you’ve already decided that and it will save the couple money.

Gingerish · 06/09/2021 16:48

Jesus it's totally weird to include your adult kids on your invitation when they are are not living at home and are in established relationships.

YANBU

JustLyra · 06/09/2021 16:49

Inviting cousins without partners is not rude. It’s a polite way of inviting relatives without numbers being insane.

Mil and FIL are one of 15 and 9 siblings. Can you imagine the numbers if we’d invited his cousins and their partners to our wedding?!

People have to draw a line somewhere - at this wedding it’s at cousins.

mummabubs · 06/09/2021 16:50

Can I politely enquire as to whether your kids are married already OP? I'm guessing not purely because if they were you'd maybe appreciate it from the other side a bit more-invites are extortionate, as is every place at a wedding. It's your niece's wedding, with spaces potentially at a premium it's entirely up to her who she and her fiancé invite to witness their marriage. Has she even met your children's partners?
Afraid to say I agree with the majority that you're coming across as the unreasonable one and seem a tad entitled. If you want to go, go. If not, don't! Same goes for your kids. Simple!

Kite22 · 06/09/2021 16:51

There is no excuse not knowing their addresses, they are not close but friends on Facebook and message

Exactly. They are "Facebook Friends" but not close to one another. They have grown up and got their own lives. As is normal. My adult dc don't know anyone's addresses - that generation just don't communicate by post. Perfectly normal not to know addresses.
Yes, they could have found them out, and then paid out for more packs of invitation and more stamps, but they probably knew there would be a chat amongst the families to see who was going / who was taking who . if people were staying and if they were, then where, etc etc., so it makes sense to just have one point of contact.
I've had several invitations to various events over the last few years where people are happy for my adult dc to come along if they are around, and able, and want to - but they are very much "as part of my family" rather than invitations that they would receive if I weren't going. They are generally there as "If any of your dc are living with you at the moment" or "If you aren't driving those distances any more and would like your dc to bring you" type invitations.

There is only one person who has been rude in this scenario OP, and it isn't either the B&G, nor their parents.

BroccoliFloret · 06/09/2021 16:52

I would think a live in serious partner when you are mid thirties for a fairly close relative would have been more normal

Niece's wedding - so OP's children are the bride/groom's cousins. Most people have more than one cousin. I have 5, DH has 12. If we had invited all of our cousins, all of their spouses/partners/children, it would have been about 50 extra people at the wedding.

It's entirely reasonable to say family only, not the hangers-on and partners/boyfriends.

You, OP are just plain rude.

Palavah · 06/09/2021 16:52

So you wouldn't have been content if your children had been invited directly, if your daughter's partner had not also been invited. YaBVU.

Butterflyfluff · 06/09/2021 16:52

This thread is bonkers!

Of course it’s weird to invite grown up children with their parents if they don’t live at home

If the couple only wanted to invite the cousins but no partners then they should have done just that

They clearly don’t want the partners there, which is their prerogative, but trying to get round that by classing them still as the parents children is bad form

Original poster

AnnieMay55 · 06/09/2021 16:54

Bypassed219

OP posts:

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 06/09/2021 16:54

they are not close but friends on Facebook and message

So? I’m ‘friends’ with quite a lot of people on Facebook. We sporadically contact each other. Wouldn’t invite them to a wedding though.

Putting it simply: this is a courtesy invitation and they will care not one jot if it is declined. In fact, that will save them money and likely means they can invite someone they are closer to.

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