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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invitation

224 replies

AnnieMay55 · 06/09/2021 15:43

We have been sent an invitation to our niece's wedding for myself, husband and two adult children mid to late thirties. Our children have lived independently for 15+ years. Eldest who is single, was quite offended by this, saying it looks like mum dad and two kids. Youngest has lived with partner for two years, will be 3 by the wedding but partner not invited to cousins wedding. What I find most annoying is the fact I received the invitation so emailed and politely said it would be best to send them their own invitation as I didn't want an awkward conversation saying they were invited but not partner. I thought I'd put it clearly but I just received a reply saying they could both come in the evening. This wedding is over 5 hours away at a chosen scenic location involving one night's accommodation for the evening but two nights if going to the whole thing. I just found this a joke and quite rude expecting someone to go just to the evening this far away. I didn't reply as I'd told them to do their own invitation. Our child has not heard anything , in more than a month since.

OP posts:
Thegherkinpolice · 06/09/2021 16:22

Just going to throw something out there. I work in the wedding industry and many couples invite aunts, uncles and cousins as a courtesy, to keep their parents happy, or to keep the peace within the family. Not necessarily because they want them there, or would miss them if they were not. Especially if they are not close.

If they're sending an invitation to you all on one invitation, not inviting serious life partners that kind of smacks (to me at least) as a courtesy invite. May be wrong, but I see similar often.

If it's upset you and the lack of invitation for partners is problematic, politely decline.

Nocutenamesleft · 06/09/2021 16:23

Eh? So your cousin (to be fair. My cousins and me aren’t close. I don’t know anyone who is) would send me one invitation. im an adult. But my uncle sent one to my mum. Inviting me.

Meh. It wouldn’t bother me. If they don’t want to go. Then don’t. If they do great. If their partners want to go to the evening. So be it. If they don’t. Then don’t.

However. You ringing and asking to send them their own invite is classic! Bet that went down like a ton of lead balloons!!

Mommabear20 · 06/09/2021 16:23

We didn't invite any unmarried partners to our ceremony! A cousins partner isn't important to the couple when you think how restricting numbers can be for wedding ceremonies, especially at the moment. I think you've been incredibly rude and disrespectful here. It's not your day, back off.
As for the invite, yes it's weird but also not the end of the world. Grow up.

ActonSquirrel · 06/09/2021 16:24

Can adult children in their 30s not go to their cousins wedding without a partner?

Maybe your niece doesn't want to fork out for places for people she doesn't know.

Palavah · 06/09/2021 16:25

@AnnieMay55

Is it not odd to send one invitation , when offspring are heading towards 40 and haven't lived at home for many years and not local to us either. I would think a live in serious partner when you are mid thirties for a fairly close relative would have been more normal especially when there is so much travel ( also by train as non driver) and accomodation to pay for.
Do your children (and partners) send christmas cards and birthday cards directly to their cousin? Do they include a return address? How often have they seen each other in the last 5 years?
Nocutenamesleft · 06/09/2021 16:25

@AnnieMay55

Is it not odd to send one invitation , when offspring are heading towards 40 and haven't lived at home for many years and not local to us either. I would think a live in serious partner when you are mid thirties for a fairly close relative would have been more normal especially when there is so much travel ( also by train as non driver) and accomodation to pay for.
But your children are their second cousins. And their partners are not even close?!?!
SW1amp · 06/09/2021 16:25

@MoreAloneTime

It's very tacky to not send an adult their own invitation and to leave off an established partner. The evening only invitation is also inappropriate given the distance you mention. They sound very rude and I wouldn't blame your children for feeling put out
No, ‘very tacky’ is responding to the bride and groom to order them to send additional invitations AND include additional people The absolute height of rudeness and really tacky Hyacinth Bucket behaviour

I’m sure the B&G are really hoping the family oddballs decline the invitation because if they are this bad about the invitations, they are going to be a nightmare about the gift list, seating plan, menus etc

Flickeringgreenlight · 06/09/2021 16:25

YABU, for what it's worth, as I see that you have no intention of taking on board anything that everyone is saying.

OP - AIBU?
MN - YES
OP - no I'm not!

Classic, boring 🥱

Jerseygirl12 · 06/09/2021 16:26

I’m part of very big extended family and it’s normal for us to send one invite out to the ‘mum and dad and their DC’ even if the DC are grown up. Now the mums and dads are getting more frail and ill so the invite has started going to the DC but includes the mums and dads.

healmebaby · 06/09/2021 16:26

Shock you’re so bloody rude!

Palavah · 06/09/2021 16:26

Also, requesting a plus one is incredibly rude.

Notaroadrunner · 06/09/2021 16:27

they are not close

And that's why the bride and groom can't be bothered inviting partners. Makes perfect sense. In fairness maybe the bride and groom are secretly hoping they won't come so they can then invite someone they are actually close to.

Nanny0gg · 06/09/2021 16:27

It is not the norm to include adult children who don’t live with their parents, on invitations.

The OP wasn’t rude, the B&G were

Sneesher · 06/09/2021 16:27

@Thegherkinpolice

Just going to throw something out there. I work in the wedding industry and many couples invite aunts, uncles and cousins as a courtesy, to keep their parents happy, or to keep the peace within the family. Not necessarily because they want them there, or would miss them if they were not. Especially if they are not close.

If they're sending an invitation to you all on one invitation, not inviting serious life partners that kind of smacks (to me at least) as a courtesy invite. May be wrong, but I see similar often.

If it's upset you and the lack of invitation for partners is problematic, politely decline.

This. We've invited several cousins/aunts/uncles to appease our parents.

It's a box ticking exercise; I'm not bothered at all if they decline.

I'm certainly not adding their partners to the invite - I'll end up with a wedding full of people I'm not bothered about seeing.

Driftingblue · 06/09/2021 16:28

The invite is really off. You don’t send an invitation to people at a home they no longer live.

If I was one of your adult children, I wouldn’t consider myself invited to the wedding at all. The omission of the partner is an extra insult, but since they didn’t really invite your adult children, I would consider it a non-issue and ignore.

blacksax · 06/09/2021 16:29

I don't see why they couldn't just ask for their addresses, it's not exactly hard to do. And only one of the adult dc has a partner anyway, so it would be only one extra.

I'm inclined to agree with another pp in thinking that they were invited as a courtesy only.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 06/09/2021 16:29

Are they close with their cousin? Has the cousin met the partner?

OneMoreStitch · 06/09/2021 16:31

I do think it's strange to send invitations to adults (especially those living out on their own) through their parents. It would be slightly different, imo, if it were a more casual wedding/reception and they made it clear that everyone in the family was invited to everything, including partners of the adult children.

Unless your children actually want to attend, in which case maybe they should contact the bride/groom directly, themselves, in their shoes I'd probably just not bother going. I'd RSVP just for yourself and your husband.

Knittingupastorm · 06/09/2021 16:31

@Jerseygirl12

I’m part of very big extended family and it’s normal for us to send one invite out to the ‘mum and dad and their DC’ even if the DC are grown up. Now the mums and dads are getting more frail and ill so the invite has started going to the DC but includes the mums and dads.
If I got an invite to my house that included my parents I’d think that was very weird.
pixietinkdust · 06/09/2021 16:32

Sorry OP but it sounds like this is the typical “can’t invite one without the other” scenario that happens in families at weddings.

You say they’re not close but are “friends on Facebook” - this to me reads as they are not close at all and you are technically getting a token invite as they were probably forced to by their parents had to invite all their family.

Starseeking · 06/09/2021 16:33

I really don't get why there has to be so much angst over this stuff.

In the past few years I've had invitations to weddings from family sent to my parents for me and my 2 siblings. If they'd invited us to include partners and DC, it would have been 15 individuals, instead of 5.

When this type of invitation was received, my DM got answers from us all, then replied to say yes or no, and we attended (or not if we couldn't make it), and coped with an evening or two away from partners and DC.

You've been very awkward and rude to pressurise your niece into inviting your DC's partner, given they hadn't invited them in the first place.

Sexnotgender · 06/09/2021 16:33

It’s a little odd given the ages of your children but you’re making a big fuck off mountain out of a molehill.

Cinnamon12345 · 06/09/2021 16:34

What a stupid invitation. You are not being unreasonable at all.

Jerseygirl12 · 06/09/2021 16:34

Knittingupastorm not if your mum has advanced Alzheimer’s and can’t read.

HintofVintagePink · 06/09/2021 16:35

I cannot imagine having the balls to phone up someone and ask them to invite x, y or z to a party, let alone a wedding!

The couple can invite whomever they wish in whatever way they wish to; it’s their wedding. Unbelievable that anyone can’t see how rude this is.

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