Wedding invitation

[AnnieMay55]

We have been sent an invitation to our niece's wedding for myself, husband and two adult children mid to late thirties. Our children have lived independently for 15+ years. Eldest who is single, was quite offended by this, saying it looks like mum dad and two kids. Youngest has lived with partner for two years, will be 3 by the wedding but partner not invited to cousins wedding. What I find most annoying is the fact I received the invitation so emailed and politely said it would be best to send them their own invitation as I didn't want an awkward conversation saying they were invited but not partner. I thought I'd put it clearly but I just received a reply saying they could both come in the evening. This wedding is over 5 hours away at a chosen scenic location involving one night's accommodation for the evening but two nights if going to the whole thing. I just found this a joke and quite rude expecting someone to go just to the evening this far away. I didn't reply as I'd told them to do their own invitation. Our child has not heard anything , in more than a month since.

No wonder you all got pity invites!

If your child is so offended, they don't have to go. You sound like hard work tbh, and of course they've not heard anything from the B&G since. Why pander to the utter nonsense?

Accept the invite as it is or don't go.

I’m genuinely surprised that the OP is getting so much stick about this. I think it’s really poor manners of the bride and groom to treat grown adults like children - if you are inviting someone to your wedding then it’s basic manners and respect to send an invitation to them, where they actually live. Sending an invitation to their parents and omitting partners just smacks of not really wanting to invite them but feeling they have to - I would be offended like the OP’s daughter and would prefer not to be invited than to get a half hearted invitation via my parents because the happy couple can’t be arsed to send it to me directly.

Most threads on here I agree with the consensus but this has really surprised me. I think it’s very rude and disrespectful of the B&G and can’t get that get up at the OP for making her feelings known. Being a bride and groom doesn’t give you a free pass to be bad mannered and diva ish. If you can’t afford to treat everyone with basic manners and respect then scale back your wedding plans! And I include inviting both halves of a long term couple in that.

When I got married, almost 40 years ago, we were fortunate enough to be able to invite partners and children of our extended family and friends. Our wedding wasn't extraordinarily expensive , just pretty average for the time. However, times have changed and I am currently watching DC and their partner trying to dort out their wedding. Their venue has a strict limit on numbers. They cannot invite everybody they really want so some people are being invited without partners or +1s. Friends are not able to bring children, apart from babes in arms. Some family members are not being invited at all. Their venue is the only one within their budget which will allow them the number they are inviting. They literally have no more space. Some family are already kicking off because cousin Albert can't bring his latest casual gf with him. B&G have said they understand if cousin Albert chooses not to attend, but they really have no leeway on numbers.
It is so hard for B&G as they desperately wanted to invite everyone, but it just is not doable.
As for individual invitations for OPs dcs, invitations cost a.lot of money and can often be bought in standard package sizes. The extra couple of invitations could take them into the next cost bracket. Sorry OP, your response to a kind invitation is very rude.

@JustLyra but why? It isn't the OPs wedding. You want a wedding you need to communicate with the people you are inviting.

It doesn't even require expensive stationary, just a direct and clear message

Its odd and poor manners

Cant see why people think that it is normal- it isnt.

Maybe it is a bit odd and the bride was a bit U but the way the OP dealt with it was odder and more U.

@Erictheavocado

When I got married, almost 40 years ago, we were fortunate enough to be able to invite partners and children of our extended family and friends. Our wedding wasn't extraordinarily expensive , just pretty average for the time. However, times have changed and I am currently watching DC and their partner trying to dort out their wedding. Their venue has a strict limit on numbers. They cannot invite everybody they really want so some people are being invited without partners or +1s. Friends are not able to bring children, apart from babes in arms. Some family members are not being invited at all. Their venue is the only one within their budget which will allow them the number they are inviting. They literally have no more space. Some family are already kicking off because cousin Albert can't bring his latest casual gf with him. B&G have said they understand if cousin Albert chooses not to attend, but they really have no leeway on numbers. It is so hard for B&G as they desperately wanted to invite everyone, but it just is not doable. As for individual invitations for OPs dcs, invitations cost a.lot of money and can often be bought in standard package sizes. The extra couple of invitations could take them into the next cost bracket. Sorry OP, your response to a kind invitation is very rude.

This is what happens if you plan your wedding from the starting point of wanting a certain type of day rather than ‘this is how many people we want to invite, this is our budget, how can we plan a wedding for these people within this cost?’. I strongly believe that if the cost of inviting each adult guest directly is unaffordable, and you need to invite them via a third party to save on stamps, you have overstretched yourself. If you need to treat people with poor manners, you have overspent. Invite who you want and have the day you can actually afford. People trying to shoe horn a wedding they can’t actually afford just end up behaving rudely…it’s so odd. Inviting the people I want there, treating them with basic manners and making sure they have a good time-that was my starting point. If I couldn’t have done that at a certain venue then it wasn’t the venue for me!

I blame Instagram…

@Jerseygirl12

Maybe it is a bit odd and the bride was a bit U but the way the OP dealt with it was odder and more U.

I actually find it quite refreshing when people are called out on their bad manners. It doesn’t sound like she was nasty, just pointed out that she might want to invite these other adults herself. We spend too much time smiling sweetly and simmering and bitching behind the scenes. Perhaps if rude and I’ll mannered people were called out on their behaviour more often they’d learn to have some manners in future!

@Sneesher

Non issue. You're being extremely awkward.

Yup. You’ve gone looking for something to be miffed about. I suggest you grow up/get a grip/etc.

Honestly, I think you were rude. Regardless of your feelings regarding the invite you did not need to share them with the Bride and Groom. You could have RSVP for yourself and dp and send that dcs will rsvp separately. Send a screenshot to the dc and ask them to RSVP for themselves. Good grief if your dc get upset that they did not get a separate invite they need to get a grip

I can’t believe people think you’re being rude? Dam right it’s rude to send an invite to to 30 odd year old adults one of whom is in a couple via their mum and dad and a 5 hour journey for the night do and all the associated cost, tell them to get lost, I wouldn’t even bother going.

It is weird sending your children's invites as a joint invitation considering their ages I agree with that. Unless living together or a romantic relationship I think all adults should have their own invite. Maybe they wanted to save on postage/printing costs though.

I didn't invite any of my cousins to my wedding. Far more important people to invite that the bride and groom actually see/want to spend time with like their friends, siblings, work colleagues! Not distant cousins they must not be that close to in the first place! Some cousin they clearly hardly speak to and their random partner aren't the most important part of it for the bride and groom. You were rude to question it.

@MayorGoodwaysChicken
Thanks for your views .
I blame Instagram..... This is what I feel this is, the venue , amazing for Instagram. Obviously B and G can choose whatever they want. By the way I did accept promptly for myself and husband.

Last family wedding I attended was in Scotland. The couple are from England and my Mum, partner, dc, myself etc are in NI. They only wanted a small wedding and only my mum and I were invited. I didn’t see an issue with this, we paid for our plane fairs and one night stay in a hotel and I bloody enjoyed not having any kids to look after. I assume our invitation was sent to my mum, I really don’t know or care were it went. I don’t see an issue but every family is different.

Yabu. For sure.

I think it's odd. My cousin did this, sent an invitation to my parents' house for them, me and my sibling. Sibling was living with partner and I was engaged but our partners weren't invited.
I told my mum I wouldn't be attending. I thought it was incredibly rude.

I imagine your cousin got the outcome they had intended on getting.

@MayorGoodwaysChicken you won wedding thread bingo with the mention of Instagram! Not every decision is made regarding how it looks online! Plenty of venues have limits and we have no idea what the non-negotiables are in that couple's wedding. Perhaps they are religious and want to get married in a local church/temple for example? Shifting the venue to The Big Wedding Barn is hardly the same.

I think when it comes down to it there are two big schools of thought on weddings. One is - you do everything as people would have done it 20/50/100 years ago, invite the entire extended family and have printed invitations posted to each person's house and you have a wedding list and a formal venue with probably chairs with little bows on and classical music and so on. The other is, each element is for the couple marrying to pick and choose as suits them re: style, affordability, comfort, suiting those closest to them, venue that is meaningful etc. If phoning people to invite them works, do that. If sending a jolly invite to the "parents" and asking them to pass it on works, do that. If hiring a mariachi band to turn up to each guest, do that.

Obviously you can tell i'm in the second camp but I do think it's two distinct tribes and it's hard to make them understand each other!

(NB as an adult "nearly 40" I've been invited to formal occasions via my parents before and didn't GAF, just assumed they couldn't be bothered to faff around getting my address when they know my mum's and know we speak every day!)

Oh OP also agrees about Instagram. Can anyone with a longer memory than me tell me what everyone used to blame the "selfish" choices of the bride and groom on before Instagram? Was it "how it'll look in the photo album" or "having a good venue for the announcement in the paper"?

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

I’m genuinely surprised that the OP is getting so much stick about this. I think it’s really poor manners of the bride and groom to treat grown adults like children - if you are inviting someone to your wedding then it’s basic manners and respect to send an invitation to them, where they actually live. Sending an invitation to their parents and omitting partners just smacks of not really wanting to invite them but feeling they have to - I would be offended like the OP’s daughter and would prefer not to be invited than to get a half hearted invitation via my parents because the happy couple can’t be arsed to send it to me directly.

Most threads on here I agree with the consensus but this has really surprised me. I think it’s very rude and disrespectful of the B&G and can’t get that get up at the OP for making her feelings known. Being a bride and groom doesn’t give you a free pass to be bad mannered and diva ish. If you can’t afford to treat everyone with basic manners and respect then scale back your wedding plans! And I include inviting both halves of a long term couple in that.

The happy couple would probably be even happier if someone like you declined the invite. Then they could invite people they actually care about! Most people would take the hint that the invite was for the family unit and they couldn’t care less whether each individual was there or not

@MayorGoodwaysChicken (sorry can’t quote) but a lot of these ‘extended family’ member are not people the B&G want there. They are invited at the behest of parents (who don’t even pay for anything but insist on having their opinion heard). To ‘keep family peace’. Why should B&G care what they think? Blood relations don’t mean that you’re close at all

@FoxgloveSummers I think you’ve really read me wrong. A wedding doesn’t have to be stuffy and old fashioned just because you treat people with basic respect and good manners. I wouldn’t have dreamed of inviting one half of a couple to my wedding, via their parents address. Because I wanted my wedding to have a dance floor packed full of people having a brilliant time and enjoying being there. Of course the bride and groom can ask or exclude whoever they want but they run the risk of a full wedding full of bored and resentful guests who would have liked to come with their partner. I know which I’d rather! My wedding wasn’t all about me and my DH, precisely because I wanted a brilliant and fun filled atmosphere. So I started from the point of view of what will my guests enjoy. If an engaged couple want to be all me me me about it of course they can be but I’ve seen it backfire when the wedding turns out to be a bit shit for the guests and the bride is then stropping about why people aren’t dancing etc.

And yes ok I was being a bit flippant about Instagram but the point is valid - people care too much about creating a certain image that half the time they can’t afford. I just can’t imagine culling peoples partners just so I could have a certain venue but as I said above, my priority at my wedding was everyone having a bloody good time. So I guess we all approach these things differently!

I accept I’m in the minority agreeing with the OP and I do find it interesting hearing other views-we’ll just have to agree to disagree!

I don't think YABU. Why on earth would anyone send an invitation to an address the invitee doesn't live at? Should I send an invitation for my uncles and cousins to my grandparents address because they used to live there?

Wow!

You and your immediate family are being very entitled and rude quite honestly.

Weddings are expensive including stationery and I think chances are your niece doesn't have contact details for her cousins if they're not especially close?

You need to apologise to your niece and those INVITED need to decide whether to go or not and communicate politely via rsvp or similar

I'm from a large close family and had a traditional chapel wedding and I wouldn't have been able (numbers in venue for fire safety plus cost) to invite cousins partners/spouses to the wedding too. That's insane expecting that.

however this niece has several siblings and it was the other way around we would never have left out two unmarried partners.

Have you even planned a wedding in recent years? Paid for one?

You can't possibly invite and pay for every relative!

No they didn't know their address which means they aren't even that close!

You need to build a bridge op...

Jesus Christ you are being so unreasonable OP.

Talk about making someone else’s day all about you.

Perhaps it was “no ring no bring”.
Weddings are expensive, invites are expensive.
Short term/newish partners or singletons need to be ok with not always being invited to everything as they are probably not that well known to the couple.
Anyways, their day, their way. YABU.

I do love a good wedding thread