To feel sad about mother and baby group

[cereallover]

Ftm and I have anxiety issues and aspergers.

My ds is 3 months old exactly today and my dm told me that the mother and baby group at our church was reopening today and that I should go as it would be good for both of us.

I was smiley and tried to talk to others via their children but they were quickly ushered away and I was told by them 'sorry to which I smiled and said it's fine.

I dress alternative and have visible tattoos and I think I was the youngest parent there as well as having the youngest baby too.

I understand people maybe nervous still because of covid, but I was sat there like a loser with a smile stuck on for nothing it seems and surely if you see someone friendly looking sat on their own and new you would say hello at least.?

I wasn't expecting to leave with a BFF but a 5 minute at most chat would have been nice.

Thankfully ds had a poo and I changed him whilst crying in the toilets feeling like I was at school again and not good enough.

Luckily my husband is off next Monday so will try again then so I have some support.

Not sure why I'm posting just feel really low and no one else to talk to apart from husband 😕

That’s so sad OP.

It’s probably not you in any way! People may only be thinking of themselves or talking to those they know. It always took me a few visits to those things to find anyone to talk to.

Maybe speak to some parents directly next time rather than via their kids?

Young, alternative mom with visible tattoos and piercings 🙋🏻‍♀️
I stopped going to my local one for the same reason. There was lots of grans looking after their grandchildren and I'm not sure I would be their cup of tea. Lots of people had come with friends so weren't chatty to others. And then people glued to their phones.
I personally didn't find it to be a good place for making friends and gave up after a few months.
I have a 4 and 2 year old now and haven't made any friends at the school or nursery gates either. But I am very socially awkward as it is. 🤷🏻‍♀️

To yourself!

Talk to the parents next week, plaster on a smile and fake it until they break

Been there done that. Sometimes it takes going a good few times to get your face known before you click with anyone or even really have a chat or it could be a cliquey group not worth bothering with. If it looks like someone is new, go and talk to them. I don’t get the sorry bit?!?

Try not to take it to heart. You've only been once so try again next week. Hopefully someone will be more friendly next time. Sometimes parents don't feel in the mood for a chat or they just want to talk to friends they know well. Give it a few more weeks.

That is sad it went like that. Baby groups are a mixed bag - some very cliquey and others more friendly. I find often people are actually quite shy so it is worth going for a few weeks to get your face familiar and see if any of them are your kind of person. But if not - just ditch it and try something else. It’s not school in that respect - you have choice and don’t have to hang out with people that you don’t feel comfy with.

I feel better (but sad for you) knowing I'm not alone. My fear is my ds will grow up like me with no friends and be sad and depressed like me.

I don't quite understand it...it all comes out the same hole at the end of the day. I spoke to one mum briefly who asked about my ds and I asked about hers but then her friends turned up.

What hurt is that there was a chair between me and them and she saw me and moved her stuff and herself closer to her friends.

I guess I'm just worried that pfb will have difficulties is all and I'm expecting too much.

My husband used to take our son to a church group every week and none of the mums ever spoke to him.

He used to chat to the elderly couple that ran it instead.

Hopefully you'll have a better time of it!

Ah! Try again next week, they'll remember you and be more willing to interact. Keep smiling and striking up conversation

I remember feeling the same amount of crapness when I first joined a baby group and I don't have any tattoos etc.

People seem to have their already made friends and it took a little while to make some of my own but almost 6 years later, I have an amazing friend who i met when DD was 13 weeks old. Our children are just as fond of one another as we are and there is a 15 year age gap! (Me being the youngest)?

Ah op, that's awful! I'd definitely have chatted to you if you were on your own and looked friendly as if you wanted a chat.

As pps have said, some baby groups are a bit cliquey. Others aren't at all. Hopefully as they start to open up a bit you can do a bit of baby group tourism and find one which is right for you!

I don't have any local friends with small children, so I always go on my own to these and I've definitely had what you've had where nobody speaks to me as they've come in a big group. I even had one group glaring at me as I'd inadvertently sat in a seat which they'd allocated for one of their group. When I realised, I said "oh you want this seat for your friend. I'm happy to move!" moved and actually ended up beside a lovely woman who I did have a chat with.

It's like everything really, a mixed bag, as pps said.

I remember this well and my DS is almost 17!
It took a few goes before anyone really talked to me. They all seemed to know each other and I just felt awkward. I got 'in' by sitting and playing with DS next to another mum and baby and we started talking and it was fine after that.
Try again next week, there might be other people there next week as well.

The best thing I did with my first DC was go to one of the children's centre baby 'courses' so everyone there started the course at the same time (I think it was 6 weeks long). This meant everyone was a newbie and desperately hoping to make friends. The course was pretty inane and silly but I made good friends with the other mums (all first time mums as well, so all in the same boat). Persevere! X

I found the same, but I'm boring these days, ok have a few tattoos but nothing crazy, they are covered by my standard issue mum clothes and I have a mum Bob. I think sometimes people are rubbish at small talk and use any excuse to not chat, sometimes there are so sleep deprived they don't even have the effort in them to be polite.

I think often it's childminders and grandparents at these things, I did make a few friends eventually, but it took a long while of going every week. Sometimes I'd see people from the group out and say hello and they'd blank me, other people would wave and some even stopped for a chat. People are weird, all you can do is try.

I don't judge people with all over tattoos, I do find facial ones a bit intimidating for some reason. There is also friendly facial piercing jewellery like a nose stud and then the more aggressive looking spikes.

That’s horrible, I’m sorry you experienced that. Are there any different groups you can go to? I’m in London so have a few options, I guess it depends where you are. I’ve been introduced the the site/app called Meetup- the local area has a new parent group with different outings organised. There’s also Peanut - you can find other new mums on there too

I found a lot of them cliquey and hatred going, sorry you were made to feel that way, but realistically you wouldn't want to waste time getting to know such judgemental people. Are there others locally? Some seem to be better than others.

I've found it can take a few visits for others to warm up to you, especially if people have already started forming cliques. Give it a chance, I know it is disheartening but you will find friends eventually- try a few different groups and activities! I have found that helps!

Oh I just remembered, I'm going to new group next week with DC2 so this will be me again over smiling, wonder if I can find DC2 some little friends ? 😬

I agree with a PP, it’s probably got nothing to do with what you look like or how old you are. I’m an unremarkable person and left plenty of toddler groups feeling like this!

The other people were most likely preoccupied with what their kids were doing, or tired, or socially awkward.

You can either stick it out until you eventually click with someone, or try a different way to meet people (sometimes the regular more structured baby groups are better than the church ones as you see the same people every week and you have an activity to focus on).

Don’t give up!

It's really not necessary to go to baby groups. Don't force yourself to go if you don't want to! I never went to a single one, I can't say it's made any difference in my life.

I would suggest seeking out friendships in other ways neighbours, volunteering, hobbies you're bound to meet other people with small kids you can meet up with.

And try not to worry about affecting your child's friendships too much. They'll find their way when they start nursery and school, you'll see.

I’m sorry that this happened to you OP.
I think you shouldn’t take it personal.
A lot of these groups can be very clique-ey and no matter how you look, dress, behave, talk, smile etc they will find a reason to stick to their little clique. Or it might be that they’re careful because of Covid / wary of strangers (this would be me, generally I’m not very warm towards people that I don’t know and need some time to open up)/ having a bad day. When I went to a mum and baby group for the first time there was a very strange woman but I’ve learned to ignore her and get on fine with everyone else, a mum that joined later even became a close friend. I would go there a few times before you decide to give up, you might have better luck next time.

Oh poor you. But well done for going! I would have felt the same and probably cried in the loo as well. We're the leaders visible and floating? IMO when there are lots of helpers (tricky with covid now) who float and chat to people that is really good. I would try another time and also look out for some others in your area to try.

*were

I had the same issue.

In all (depressing) honesty, I solved it by having a special 'mum' outfit that I wore to a new toddler group. It didn't entirely solve the issue (as I was still 15 years younger than every other parent), but I chatted to the volunteer who ran the group and after a year the other parents occasionally spoke to me too.

I wouldn't have bothered, but DD and DS enjoyed it.

for you OP. It's shit.

It sounds to me like the other parents were ushering their kids away and saying ‘sorry’ because they thought they might be bothering you? I’m sure it wasn’t anything else.

I think mother and toddler groups are a bit like this at first. When I think back, it took me a lot of courage to go along when ds1 was about 3 months (27 now!), and I sat there like a complete lemon. Maybe exchanged a few words with the organisers when I paid, but don’t think anyone spoke to me.

I didn’t go back till ds was about 6 months, more active and interested in playing, and I spent my time interacting with him and enjoying his company. I don’t remember how/when things changed, probably as I went every week and became one of the fixtures people started to say hello and chat a bit, and I really enjoyed going by the time ds was toddling about! Think I started to help with the clearing away at the end and got to know more people that way, too.

Persevere, op. I think I always assume that others find it much easier to chat to strangers than I do, but I’m sure that many more people than I realise are just as diffident as I am. Give it time, and hopefully you’ll soon become part of the crowd!