To feel sad about mother and baby group

[cereallover]

Ftm and I have anxiety issues and aspergers.

My ds is 3 months old exactly today and my dm told me that the mother and baby group at our church was reopening today and that I should go as it would be good for both of us.

I was smiley and tried to talk to others via their children but they were quickly ushered away and I was told by them 'sorry to which I smiled and said it's fine.

I dress alternative and have visible tattoos and I think I was the youngest parent there as well as having the youngest baby too.

I understand people maybe nervous still because of covid, but I was sat there like a loser with a smile stuck on for nothing it seems and surely if you see someone friendly looking sat on their own and new you would say hello at least.?

I wasn't expecting to leave with a BFF but a 5 minute at most chat would have been nice.

Thankfully ds had a poo and I changed him whilst crying in the toilets feeling like I was at school again and not good enough.

Luckily my husband is off next Monday so will try again then so I have some support.

Not sure why I'm posting just feel really low and no one else to talk to apart from husband 😕

I get it OP. I’ve been there. In hindsight my problem was looking forlornly at the groups of laughing chatty mums and wishing that they would include me. What I should have done is looked around and found the other sad singletons and gone and chatted to them! It’s easy to feel left out, but more often or not there are others feeling that way too.

Thank you for your replies and advice.
DH is off next Monday and is coming with me for support.

At least if no one talks to us we have each other to goof about with and chat bollocks to.

Good luck to those having to start over with this and lots of flowers to those who experienced it.

Oh, lovely, I'm so sorry to hear that. I had similar experiences at baby groups - I would recommend giving it another go. It can take time to make a connection. I'm a bit socially awkward so I struggled to make friends at them.

Maybe ask about other groups or classes? At this age, groups and socialisation is more for the mum than the baby, so see where else you could go. I did a mum and baby yoga class and I made a lovely group of friends there but it did take me some time. I also found an amazing group where the organisers were really good at chatting to newbies and introducing people, but that was more for toddlers.

@Bimblybomeyelash

I get it OP. I’ve been there. In hindsight my problem was looking forlornly at the groups of laughing chatty mums and wishing that they would include me. What I should have done is looked around and found the other sad singletons and gone and chatted to them! It’s easy to feel left out, but more often or not there are others feeling that way too.

Unfortunately I was the only singleton.

If I saw a lone person I would have pounced 🤣

I hear ya OP.

DS is 11 and the baby groups used to be so friendly (round here at least). I got a massive shock when taking DS2 to them. Everyone was there with friends, mums or childminders and just didn't want to know.

I'm 'conservative' now but used to dress alternative and I'd have well chatted to you

What helped was going there consistently and having no expectations at all. Chat through little ones as you have done and sometime it'll work, other times you'll be blanked. In the end I went to have a good time with my baby and if anyone else spoke to me, bonus.

Good luck but what I mean is, keep trying!

Also, (and this may be no help at all, so ignore if so!) I found it helpful when I did try again to have a few prepractised conversation openers, these allowed an (admittedly very brief) chat. I even thought in advance about possible responses, so I could have my next sentence sorted...

Also, I preferred the groups that were an activity- say “music time” or whatever - because then there was less focus on talking to others.

There used to be free ones back in2008/2009 when I had my first but that was before all the cuts

@cereallover

Thank you for your replies and advice. DH is off next Monday and is coming with me for support.

At least if no one talks to us we have each other to goof about with and chat bollocks to.

Good luck to those having to start over with this and lots of flowers to those who experienced it.

I have to say that whilst taking him will be support, it is less likely that any one will speak to you ime. DH always said no mums ever spoke to him when he went or when he did the school drop offs either, no idea why.

Try and stick it out alone for a few weeks and see if people thaw would be my advice, or else find a different group.

You don't think they're fearful of being the one that gives you covid? Or worse ur baby becoming I'll as they're so little and they're keeping their distance to be kind?

When parent and child groups first opened you and your child were expected to be 2 metres apart from others at all times.

It's definitely because of your appearance and age?

DS1 is now almost 18 and I read this and remembered exactly how that felt. Tried several times for DS sake but always felt left out and uncomfortable. When I had DS2, I never bothered with any baby groups and he appears to bea reasonably normal well adjusted boy with friends .
What I do have is two very good friends made from school who I stay in regular contact with although our boys are no longer really friends/in same classes or even at same schools.
If you're uncomfortable, don't put yourself in that position and I assure you your DC won't miss out on anything. When it clicks with someone, it just does, it shouldn't be an effort. Good luck.

There have been a few posts like yours lately and it is really sad. It’s nothing you have done. I hope these posts make us all more aware of how it feels to be in this position and we all try and make others on their own welcome.

@FoxyBadger thank you this is good to know 😊

@staffy1 my next issue is keeping a friend.
My other problem is I talk to people like I've know them for years and I over share. It freaks people out...someone should start a weirdos mother and baby group 🤣 so we can all be weird and safe.

I remember that exactly! My advice is don't let it stop you!! Tell yourself you're going for the sake of your LO and it doesn't matter if people speak to you or not. Spend your time talking to your lo and cooing over them and pretend they need a nappy change if you need to escape. I think it gets easier as they get older and you can play cars with them or whatever. After a while though I find people just get used to your face and unless you've been really rude (which you wouldn't be) they gradually start to talk to you.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience OP.

Remember, though, that there are always different ways of explaining people's behaviour. I really struggled with parenting when DS was a baby and felt very lonely and desperately missed adult company. I had a couple of good friends at a baby group and spending a couple of hours in their company once a week was a lifesaver for me. To be brutally honest I wasn't in a place where I wanted to 'waste time' in friendly chit-chat with strangers. It wasn't about being cliquey (although I realise it might have seemed that way to someone else) - it was about having some precious time with friends.

You sound quite down on your yourself - saying this gently, but perhaps that is making you read more into other people's behaviour than is really there? That said, at the end of the day most people gravitate towards people they feel comfortable with - I'd be subconsciously more likely to assume I'd have something in common with someone who was a similar age, similar style etc. It isn't a positive vs negative judgement, just a basic human instinct I guess.

I think it's a real shame that the leaders of the group don't try and help people integrate a bit more. If you're there with a 3 month old baby you're clearly mainly there for some company, rather than for whatever activity is going on for the babies.

I sometimes think these unstructured groups are the worst for making friends. Often people go as a group/ already know the organisers.

When my DD was that little I did baby massage and baby/postnatal yoga - they were well structured classes with rest breaks for cups of tea, and everyone had similar aged babies. There's not much point in a church hall with toys setup for kids that small so better to look for parent-oriented stuff. I also met some nice friends through a local swimming class for tiny babies. I know a lot of these things have been cancelled during the pandemic but it might be worth looking into.

If you're in Scotland, bookbugs is always good too. It's free in libraries and again fairly structured. I've been to loads of bookbugs around the country (due to taking the poor kid everywhere to visit relatives and welcoming an escape!) And consistently found the sessions friendly. Often the organisers will notice who's new and sit you next to someone with a similar age baby

Unfortunately I was the only singleton. If I saw a lone person I would have pounced
Yep. Had this at a meet other parents day a couple of years ago. Everyone else was in groups in full conversation mode and I was the pillock sitting on my own at a table wishing the ground would swallow me up. I was desperately searching for anyone else on their own to pounce, as you put it, but I couldn’t exactly butt into the middle of a group conversation between people who knew each other. After what seemed like hours, but was only minutes I was just about to slink out when a very kind man came over on a mercy mission. I’m forever grateful to him.

I went to many groups like this and only 50% of them were right for me so shop around. The ones best at that age are baby specific ones IMO. I have absolutely been where you are (crying too) and think stick with it and you'll soon meet a few friendly faces. Don't let one experience put you off.

I'm so sorry, that appears to be very hurtful.

How do you know you were the only single parent there? I would think most people would go 'singly' while partner at work.

It's natural for people to gravitate towards those they know but it doesn't mean you aren't acceptable. If you are a nice person, that will show.

You say you were ushered away with, "Sorry". At first that sounded like you were sent out but obviously not. For what were they sorry?

I have no experience of any such group because when I had my child, they didn't exist where I lived that I knew of; they seemed to appear a few years later; there was a playgroup mine went to a couple of mornings for about two and a half hours which suited me, I didn't have to sit there and make small talk. I have to say it's not my scene anyway (I went to work part time), but I'm sure it is beneficial for many parents and it's definitely good for little children to mix with others.

What I feel is terribly sad that you are hurt. It may not be quite as it seems. If your mum went with you, would that help? It's not always parents who go, often nannies/childminders take their charges to that sort of activity, especially when the parent works.

Whatever you do, please do not go anywhere like that with an attitude of 'they won't like me', because that shows. There were things both my husband and I hated, involving going to school, as we were both basically quite shy (we got better at it later, confidence grows with age), so I sympathise but you and I are no different to anyone else.

[quote cereallover]@staffy1 my next issue is keeping a friend.
My other problem is I talk to people like I've know them for years and I over share. It freaks people out...someone should start a weirdos mother and baby group 🤣 so we can all be weird and safe.[/quote]
Oversharing is definitely something to work on - you are right that it can be very off-putting and freak people out. It's great that you've got the awareness to recognise this, it means you can do something about it! I know it is hard when you are keen to make connections with people, but take it slowly.

[quote cereallover]@staffy1 my next issue is keeping a friend.
My other problem is I talk to people like I've know them for years and I over share. It freaks people out...someone should start a weirdos mother and baby group 🤣 so we can all be weird and safe.[/quote]
That would be great, although I am past the baby group stage now. I used to play with my son who didn’t want to be left on his own anyway as he couldn’t communicate and had been pushed over violently twice by bullies. So as I was with him the whole time I didn’t feel so spare. Eventually another new person started coming who also didn’t know anyone, so talked to me the whole time. She could talk the hind leg off a donkey, which is just the kind of person I like as they do most of the talking :)

The only mum and baby group that I ever enjoyed was one where the group organiser put a lot of effort into welcoming new people. She'd make introductions too. She was really lovely!
Every other one we went to, people would just sit on their own or with their friends.
I always talk to people who look new or lonely but it seems to be a lost art.
I was told it was a superpower once! But seriously, I met some of my best friends that way.
Kindness goes such a long way. Proper kindness, not the #bekind shit which seems to be anything but!

OP if you're anywhere near London there is certainly an alternative (Goth Valley) WI.
Maybe you could look into something like that.

Good luck

Agree with comments above that it can be harder to make friends at unstructured groups. Also my experience is that you’d need to go a few times before people think ‘oh I’ve seen you before’ and nod and then maybe say hello etc.

I went to an NCT ‘bumps and babies’ group which was only for babies up to 12 months old. Meant you could put your baby down and have a cup of tea without toddlers rampaging. It was run by two lovely older ladies who made the tea, handed out biscuits and facilitated conversations. I don’t know if bumps and babies runs nationally but worth a Google / call to your local NCT branch.

I think generally though you need to persevere. I can’t imagine getting much past a ‘nod’ and a ‘hello’ on my first week anywhere.

I have very bad social anxiety, so when I go to baby groups I sit alone and don’t interact with anyone else. I probably seem unfriendly but the truth is I’m just too afraid to talk to people.