To feel sad about mother and baby group

[cereallover]

Ftm and I have anxiety issues and aspergers.

My ds is 3 months old exactly today and my dm told me that the mother and baby group at our church was reopening today and that I should go as it would be good for both of us.

I was smiley and tried to talk to others via their children but they were quickly ushered away and I was told by them 'sorry to which I smiled and said it's fine.

I dress alternative and have visible tattoos and I think I was the youngest parent there as well as having the youngest baby too.

I understand people maybe nervous still because of covid, but I was sat there like a loser with a smile stuck on for nothing it seems and surely if you see someone friendly looking sat on their own and new you would say hello at least.?

I wasn't expecting to leave with a BFF but a 5 minute at most chat would have been nice.

Thankfully ds had a poo and I changed him whilst crying in the toilets feeling like I was at school again and not good enough.

Luckily my husband is off next Monday so will try again then so I have some support.

Not sure why I'm posting just feel really low and no one else to talk to apart from husband 😕

You don't have to go to a group for that - you can do it here. Everyone will talk to you. People in the library (when it's open), and the supermarket will do that.

It all sounds like more trouble than it's worth, frankly. I wouldn't bother. Later on something will turn that up suits you. Your baby is still very little, bless.

@plumtree391 I had no idea he was too young. Ftm so no idea on the protocol or lingo...there should be a book. Someone would make a fortune 😊

I got on better at groups that had a purpose, like a singing group or Rhymetime at the library, with a bit of chat added on at the end. Groups where ita just unstructured chat are too stressful

Thanks again for all your kind words and advice.
I will try again next week on my own again and instill that it's for him more than me.
Hopefully I remember to get a biscuit 😅

Hi OP,
So sorry to hear about your experience there. I do wonder why they go to these places if they don’t want to make new friends.
You’ve done nothing wrong. Try another week, plaster a smile on your face and give it your best.

I experienced the same and I’m not a tattooed young mum so I doubt it’s that. It was excruciating. I gave up. Torture 😱

I then joined an outdoor buggy fit class a mum & baby swim class and a baby sensory group..

I unintentionally made friends at all of these, I think because there’s less pressure, you’re following a teacher and focusing on an activity and I ended up making some great friends and like minded people.

I would really recommend doing an activity that you’ll enjoy yourself. Their loss OP, you sound lovely x

It has always been this. It is years and years since I went to such places, but they sound as they have always been. One group totally ignored me, but at another everyone was really friendly!

Later on I found a good way of blending in was to offer to help; ,organising drinks, stories, outings etc.

It can be hard work though and is a bit like being back in the school playground where no one will play with you!

I am sorry OP - it sounds like the organiser was a bit naff as it would have made so much sense for them to introduce you to a few mums that they knew would be welcoming to you. And its also sad a few mums who had been going a while didn't make the effort - everyone was new once so they all knew how you would be feeling.
The only thing I don't get is - when you choose to dress the way you are saying you do ie alternatively with visibly tats etc - that's the message you are sending out about you. That's how you want people to see you. I tell my children that they should always be themselves. Not everyone is going to like them but by being themselves they will attract people who like them for themselves - and that's what we all want don't we? Lets not waste time with people who are incompatible with ourselves or don't like us.
I think its worth you giving it another go - but maybe as other posters have said don't talk through their children. It would never occur to me that if someone was talking to my child they were trying to set up a connection with me. I am sorry but it does show lack of confidence - speak to people directly. Maybe start off with someone who is also by themselves or there is just two people who don't look like they are chatting much. Another thing I tell my children is its easier to make friends with someone who needs a friend.
Good luck.

I'd rather do an activity that didn't involve my child, like an evening class when partner/husband at home or during the week if mum would babysit. Then your conversation doesn't revolve around children and you are there as yourself, not a mum.

The best friends I made were at work. Most of us had children but they were not the primary focus, we had other things to deal with.

I agree with pps about classes being easier - there’s more focus on the activity so that ‘breaks the ice’ and often mums go for coffee as a group after. Some do drop-in pay as you go type classes like baby yoga, or baby massage so if you’re too shattered you can skip a week...

I’ve experienced this!
I think it’s important to remember that very often a LOT of the group already know each other. I realised at a toddler group that one group of mums had all been together at an antenatal course a couple of years beforehand and some of the others were sisters or small groups of friends who already knew each other pre-kids and happened to have babies at similar times. I was thinking they’d all struck up these amazing friendships from being strangers at the group when it really wasn’t the case!

I don’t doubt some groups can be very unfriendly and clique-y and some mums will be very closed-off in general and only willing to speak to other mums who pass some sort of ‘test’ of what they deem suitable. I can understand not wanting to be bffs with somebody with nothing in common but it’s plain rude to just ignore someone else.

Have you tried any local mum groups on Facebook? I find the odd post often pops up from mums in similar situations to you explaining how they feel and there are usually lots of replies from other mums/offers to attend groups together or meet up.

I had a hard time at those baby groups, once the other mums have made a friend to talk to they seem to close off from getting to know anyone else. I felt like a lemon many a time! I found the best place to make new mum friends was in the playground though this may be a bit early still for you. Try going a bit earlier so you can chat to people before everyone arrives. Compliment their babies, ask them where they live, arrange to meet for walk in park, coffee. Exchange numbers, it does feel a bit pushy making friends!

From the other side, I went to a baby group where I already had friends and although I would talk to whoever was next to me I definitely talked more with my friends and would sit next to them. Looking back I could have done more to talk to new people and check in, and it was nothing about them. The honest truth is when DS was that age I always felt seconds away from a breakdown, was so exhausted that I barely noticed other people. I was also very lonely by myself at home missing my friends and it was a becon of light in the week to talk to someone I knew without having to do introductions.

It did get better and now I talk to everyone. Not excusing how they treated you at all but just to say sometimes people seem fine on the outside and like they're. Wing cliquey when really they're struggling and don't realise how it comes across. Do they go for coffee or something after? That's when everyone really got chatting and was a lot more inclusive.

I used to be a regular at a group and I noticed that most people are mainly there for their child and not really for the socialising part. To be honest I found it very boring but took my kids there as toddlers for their own benefit.
My group was a drop in so often it would be different people there each week, with a few regulars. I think when I started going to the groups I had an idea of what I thought it would be like and it wasn't really like that. People seem to think that this type of place is cliquey but that hasn't been my experience, I think for some, their focus is on their child and some may also find it hard to talk to people they don't know. It may have been their first time there too. I would give it a bit more time before making a decision about whether to continue.

I remember feeling a bit let down by baby groups when my first was very little. I think I was expecting too much tbh. I now go in with no expectations and just enjoy the chats that do happen. Do you have a playgroup with your local children's centre? I find they are less cliquey and the people who run them are often lovely.
I think there are apps for meeting local people with kids a similar age that I hear can be good. Can't remember the name of it now!

I remember those days well & mine is now nearly 19, I was also on the alternative side, but toned it down a bit to try & fit in. Made no difference at all. I ended up chatting to the staff running it & actually ended up becoming good friends fir a while with one who had a same age DS who ended up in nursery with DD.

DD herself is now very much. on the alternative side & it unfortunately does come with some mistrust & misunderstanding, but you know what, it sorts the wheat from the chaff & though she has had friendship issues when younger by trying to fit in, she is herself & nothing else & now has a wonderful & very solid group of fabulously misfit & very loyal & good natured friends

My health visitor suggested baby groups - I smile and said nope as they are my idea of hell, socks chit chat with people I have nothing in common with other than to have had a baby roughly at the same time - I know!

(Disclaimer I know they can be a great source of support for some new parents)

DD1 is a proud anti social introvert with a surprising (to her) large strong friendship group
DS is a social extrovert who talks to anyone and everyone
DD2 is even more of an extrovert and will make friends at the drop of a hat, chat to strangers of all ages about everything - she's 6 and under supervision constantly

Non have suffered from having an introverted mum who doesn't have friends round constantly and who will only go out if forced my my lovely dsis

You DS will be absolutely fine, go and explore something more your cup of tea and take him along, he'll be happy and so will you (One of the DDs was a hit aged 18 months at a poetry night listening and enjoying the snacks)

Aw, sorry to hear this but go back a couple of times and see how things go. I’m not very sociable so I just went for my DS but ended up attracting a couple of other mums just by sitting there and making small talk. I found that other mums either knew others there already or tended to sit regularly with the same people. The other two mums used to always come sit by me (was usually there first, but I’d sit with them if I arrived after) but the others would engage you in conversation now and then.

I’m really sorry this happened to you. I hope your next time at the mom and baby group goes better. Maybe your mom can go with you next time and this way it will make it a bit easier?

I don’t know as I’ve never been to one myself. But I do hope your next time is better and that people are a bit more open. Sending you a hug .. from another soon to be first time mother as well.

Funnily enough, I actually found the children's centre groups more cliquey than some of the church ones. My favourite groups were both church groups, but we are fairly churchy anyway. There is another church one though which I did find very cliquey, so I think you can't really generalise.

Aw that's awful, I'm so sorry OP. I went to a playgroup with DD 14 years ago now and it was horrible too. No one spoke to me and I even got dirty looks. (Not alternative style, I can only assume it was that I was English in a Scottish group?) I took DH next time and even tried a third. It was bad. I didn't go back.

Years later I took DD2 to one in the next village. Wow. Completely different. Eventually I even ended up running it and another two groups. I was there at least 5 years and two kids later. We made a point of fussing over new members and making them feel welcome that we never had anyone come once or twice and never return. They all stayed until their kids started full time nursery or school.

If there are other groups, give them a try. Or give this one another chance but maybe take someone with you if possible.

Good luck OP.

Ah it's hard breaking in to the baby groups op. I went with both my dcs, sometimes I persevered, sometimes i didn't. I went to lots of different ones and finally found those that were friendly. I'd definitely try again next week and if it still doesn't work out then look for a different one

I wonder if the organisers could introduce a buddy system for new people joining

Most people will naturally gravitate towards people they already know. It takes confidence to talk to strangers. It helps to remember that they could be shy, not necessarily cliquey

I found it difficult too. I was quite shy (though have got much better as I've got older) and assumed (still do a lot of the time) that I have nothing to say that people will want to hear or that I'm not their type of person and they won't like me. I know it comes off as me being stand offish so I had to take it until I made it. I really pushed myself to talk to some of the other parents. This is much easier if someone happens to join the same day as you or if your child is walking or crawling so that you have the excuse to get up and move around.

It depends what sort of group it is too.
I went to baby sensory with my youngest a couple of years ago and didn't speak to anyone for the 18 months we attended.

*Fake it