To feel sad about mother and baby group

[cereallover]

Ftm and I have anxiety issues and aspergers.

My ds is 3 months old exactly today and my dm told me that the mother and baby group at our church was reopening today and that I should go as it would be good for both of us.

I was smiley and tried to talk to others via their children but they were quickly ushered away and I was told by them 'sorry to which I smiled and said it's fine.

I dress alternative and have visible tattoos and I think I was the youngest parent there as well as having the youngest baby too.

I understand people maybe nervous still because of covid, but I was sat there like a loser with a smile stuck on for nothing it seems and surely if you see someone friendly looking sat on their own and new you would say hello at least.?

I wasn't expecting to leave with a BFF but a 5 minute at most chat would have been nice.

Thankfully ds had a poo and I changed him whilst crying in the toilets feeling like I was at school again and not good enough.

Luckily my husband is off next Monday so will try again then so I have some support.

Not sure why I'm posting just feel really low and no one else to talk to apart from husband 😕

Everyone else was in groups in full conversation mode and I was the pillock sitting on my own at a table wishing the ground would swallow me up

School coffee mornings....hell on earth!! I'd sit at a table and people would come and take chairs from it to cram onto other tables or maybe people would sit at the other side of the table to me and ignore me.

I think it can take a while to find your group. I found it really easy to click with people at groups in London, maybe because lots of people's friendships are quite scattered - I mean lots of people didn't grow up where they now live so they are not surrounded by childhood friends. So everyone was up for bonding. When we moved out of London I thought I'd meet people through groups like I did before, and went to tons of them but found them difficult to infiltrate as you say. I don't think it was anything to do with me though (and I don't think it is anything to do with you) I think that people were more likely to have been in the area for ages and already know each other. I know when I had my second baby I was more likely to make a beeline for my friends and chat to them, just as you would anywhere.

I went to loads and loads and loads of church groups here, but didn't get far - the ones that worked for me was the NCT group and an art group (obviously baby was older than 3 months by then!) - then once I had met people through that, I might see them at other groups and we would chat, or they would invite me to other things (this took a while, didn't happen al at once). Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs (sing a lot of Wheels on the Bus) before you find your people.

I think it can take a while to find your group. I found it really easy to click with people at groups in London

I agree, as a mum of young DC I find London really friendly.

Sorry you’ve had an upset. I used to run a Baby and Toddler Group and we made a point of making everyone who was new aware that we were welcoming to everyone, and didn’t want cliques. Everyone was expected to speak to new people, especially those on their own.
We got a brilliant reputation locally because we welcome everyone. We didn’t care what you look like, how you dress, breast or bottle fed, the point of the group was to create a safe space for people to bring a baby or toddler, have a natter, some tea and toast etc. Everyone was tired and needing some interaction with other humans.
There are other groups out there to try. Hope next week is better, but if not, keep looking.

These groups are often very unfriendly. People tend to go to meet friends they already know.

I made the effort to talk to newbies as I know it feels.

If you want to make friends you will have to make a real effort to start conversations and hope to meet someone who is looking to make a friend too.

Did you actively engage with anyone or did you sit there waiting for people to come to you?

Don't listen the people banging on about cliques, they don't actually exist. They're what's known as friends in any other scenario.

Dont take your dh
People will assume you are happy chatting to each other and won't want to intrude

You might be better at more structured group that’s aimed towards younger babies, groups like hartbeeps. You’ll meet mums with similar aged babies and the leader forces some group interaction.

Church hall type free play sessions tend to be for toddlers and older babies who’s parents may have already made connections and be reluctant to new comers, as I’ve found on venturing to new groups

That's awful OP, so sorry that was your experience. I volunteer with the parent and tot things at our church and the one rule we have is that as a volunteer it's our duty to engage, chat, notice and introduce people to each other.

My eldest DD 25 I wasn't a particularly young mum dressed as everyone else had no visible tattoos
But I hated those groups they are so clicky and judgmental tried a few over time.
Don't let it make you feel any less worthy.
I did find if you just did your own thing you will probably find another poor soul in the same position as you
I was fortunate I did
Its them not you !

I would have talked to you OP, and I'm pretty shy and scared of cliques. Please try again, they won't all be like that.

I put YABU (almost always do with posts like these)
Ive been in your position before and I made the change.
Just because you’re sat alone doesn’t meant you should expect people to approach you. If you’re looking to make friends while there then you should approach people and strike up conversation.
Look on the local Facebook groups to chat to people before hand, find interactive groups rather than playgroups.

Sorry you’ve had this experience.

When my DD was little I thought I’d meet lots of other mums at playgroups and classes and it just didn’t happen.

I found the mum friending apps like Mush and Peanut are great for meeting local mums one to one. I found it helped to improve my confidence and meet local mums, especially in the early days when babies don’t really play. Good luck OP

Another vote for structured or activity classes/groups! I tried the church hall type mum-and-baby groups and still cringe thinking about it now, I am socially awkward and it took all my strength to try them. Fond memories of "baby music class" and "baby massage" though! Didn't make any long-term friends but it was a bit of a laugh at the time and some of the more outgoing ladies would ask if anyone wanted to go for a coffee and chat afterwards, the "class" was almost the ice-breaker x

OP try again but if it keeps happening see if there's another group you could try. I used to try lots of different groups, and there was one that always made me want to burst into tears. Later, I discovered other mums had felt the same at that particular place. It was down to the staff as much as the parents, as it's their job to make sure everyone feels included. Instead, they just listed off rules very abruptly and spent the time laughing with the regulars. Eventually I found one that both DS and I were comfortable with. I hope you will too :)

Hi OP. Sorry you had this experience, but well done for going. Just keep at it. The worst that can actually happen is nobody talks to you - but really, so what? At least your baby has been out and probably had a good time. I would focus on that. These people are randoms and you don’t actually need them in your life. Don’t worry about things you can’t control.

Could I give you my perspective though - and I really do mean this kindly. Most mums in these groups are probably shattered. Maybe some of them have older kids at home too and they just aren’t in the whole “first time mum” mentality. Sometimes, when you’re tired, you just don’t have the capacity to engage with someone giving off “needy” vibes. I’m by no means saying you are doing this (I don’t know you at all)! But I’m just speaking from experience.

I remember I had to stop going to one of these groups with my youngest as there was a woman who was really needy and stuck to me like a leech. She used to follow me home going on and on and on. It was her first baby and she was lonely - I get it. But I was on my third baby at that time and just found her too much. I didn’t want her in my house all afternoon. I didn’t want or need her company. She was like a bottomless pit, somehow. Even when 3pm came and I had to go on the school run, she once said, “Shall I just wait here for you?” Aaaaaghh no, get out my house!

I think I was lucky as I always made loads of friends through the kids. But I think mainly it was because I didn’t go anywhere with any expectations. I went to get out the house and a change of scene for the baby. If I ended up chatting to people, so be it. But I also fully understand that mums are tired and busy and there no point taking anything personally.

Baby groups are weird because it's meeting new people where the only you have in common is having a.simolar aged baby. I was lucky I managed to get in with a group of mums and we made a WhatsApp group and still message a little 2 years later. I'm shy and socially awkward so it was hard, but just keep trying to talk to people. Ask them about their baby and milestones (people likely talk another their babies and they'll like thay you're taking an interest). If you start making a connection ask if they go to any other groups and maybe ask for their number! Some are more interested in this than others. I hope you find some friendly mums soon!

Try not to project your insecurity onto your son - it's easy to do, for example I hated secondary school and was constantly poised to hear terrible tales of bullying etc from my DS1 when he started... and it never happened. It was truly astonishing for the penny to drop that he was not me and his experiences and approach to things were as unique as he is. I'd been anxious for years about something that never happened!

Groups can seem stand offish, but I think often people are just shattered and absorbed in their own babies, it's not usually personal. Persevere OP, it'll be good for your son and hopefully boost your confidence when you do have a chat or two. And if there's a new face in a few weeks you can be the nice one who goes to talk to them!

I've done plenty of baby and toddler groups in my time, and pre covid I helped run a toddler group (we still haven't reopened). I'd suggest persevering for a few weeks and try to talk to the people who run the group, offer to help tidy up etc. It can be very awkward as you don't know anyone but it should get better as the weeks go past.

I always tried to make the effort with new parents joining the group but we also had our own toddlers to look after plus making tea, coffee and craft etc, I also had my own friends at that point in the group so sometimes there wasn't time to speak to every single parent. You do have to push out of your comfort zone a bit and try to talk to others, it can be difficult when there are already established friendships but in my experience most mums are usually up for making new friends. Remember each mum was like you once, I certainly was, but before covid I knew pretty much every parent/carer at the group. The trick is to try to be consistent. Don't be that parent who just tries it once because I've noticed people doing that and sitting in the corner looking miserable but they weren't making the effort, then they'd never turn up again. it's always the ones who don't try who then complain at the school gates a few years down the line that they don't know anyone. The majority of my friendships at the school gates are from when our kids were toddlers at those exact groups

I was a bit lonely and left out for 3.5 years of parent-baby/toddler groups. In all that time only one person would really have a proper actual conversation with me, and I was on DC 2 by then so had been sticking with it fir a while! I kept going because it was good for my DC to get out and it gave me some routine and change of scene even if it wasn't amazing fun. And I enjoyed playing with new stuff with my DC.

Fast forward a few years and our DC ended up in the same class (me and the one person who spoke to me). She's one of my best friends now. And I can proudly say I've known her for a full 10 years!

Real friends are hard to find but worth putting yourself out there for the chance.
Good luck

Btw hate to break it to you but when they start school often the playground mums aren't much better! But hopefully you'll find your people soon and it will be fine.

You have my sympathies. I found baby groups really hard work. I'm not shy or anxious but it often felt like pushing water uphill!
Try a couple more times, familiarity may help, or try some other groups. I always find something which is activity focused feels easier as small talk is incidental.

Tbf I'm the most average looking person I know. No piercings, no tattoos, no fancy clothing just your average Joe, slightly overweight and i still don't get spoken too.

All I want is to find Mum friends. I even joined peanut and mush but either don't get replys or they stop replying after a few messages it's really frustrating, I have a 2 and 3 year old that I really want to socialise but it's hard.

No one talked to me either at one of those things. Urgh. It’s painful isn’t it.

3 months is young for a baby class I found I would chat more to other mums when our kids played together. At 3 months I’d enjoy chilling at home when they don’t need much entertainment!