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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad about mother and baby group

202 replies

cereallover · 06/09/2021 13:51

Ftm and I have anxiety issues and aspergers.

My ds is 3 months old exactly today and my dm told me that the mother and baby group at our church was reopening today and that I should go as it would be good for both of us.

I was smiley and tried to talk to others via their children but they were quickly ushered away and I was told by them 'sorry to which I smiled and said it's fine.

I dress alternative and have visible tattoos and I think I was the youngest parent there as well as having the youngest baby too.

I understand people maybe nervous still because of covid, but I was sat there like a loser with a smile stuck on for nothing it seems and surely if you see someone friendly looking sat on their own and new you would say hello at least.?

I wasn't expecting to leave with a BFF but a 5 minute at most chat would have been nice.

Thankfully ds had a poo and I changed him whilst crying in the toilets feeling like I was at school again and not good enough.

Luckily my husband is off next Monday so will try again then so I have some support.

Not sure why I'm posting just feel really low and no one else to talk to apart from husband 😕

OP posts:

DarlingFell · 06/09/2021 15:42

Ah no don't put yourself down, nothing more terrifying than a group of cliquey women. It's on them that they didn't make an effort, you were sat on your own. For what its worth, I would never see someone sat on their own, some women are just not v nice... and some are shy.. go again, the shy ones will feel more comfortable to chat the more they see your face

Notashandyta · 06/09/2021 15:47

Not needed at all for a 3 month old baby, unless you want to for you!

CheekyAFAIK · 06/09/2021 15:50

I agree with what people have said that groups can be a bit cliquey. But - on the other side of it, the other mums might have been at the end of their own tethers, looking forward to letting kids play and catching up with people they know. Or they might have been a bit shy or anxious themselves. There's no need for people to be rude but there might have been more going on than you recognise, I've been to groups being very thankful that the kids would play and I could have a break, not always in the zone for meeting new people.

Do you have a group of friends who dress like you? Ask around for friends of friends with kids who might have suggestions for better groups and places around you?

Hang on in there, you'll find your crowd eventually. 3 months is not that long really!

Plumtree391 · 06/09/2021 15:55

@Notashandyta

Not needed at all for a 3 month old baby, unless you want to for you!

That's a point. I did read the op's OP but didn't notice the '3 months', imagined it was for older babies.

Gosh I hardly went anywhere with mine at three months, didn't like going out much anyway but it seemed as though I'd only just had him.

I went back to work part time when he was eight months old and that was fine. We knew a few other people who'd had children and saw them sometimes. Other than that it was playgroup twice a week from age two and a bit, I tried a nursery a bit later on but he didn't like it (I wasn't keen either), then before I knew it he was three going on four and started school, mornings only. That was quite sufficient.

RealBecca · 06/09/2021 15:58

It takes time. Keep going. 5 mins each week with the same mums will add up. And baby/toddler mums dont tend to mix, toddlers are alwaus running off.

If you go with your husband then socially that is a barrier as you look like a closed unit. X

TempName01 · 06/09/2021 15:59

Aw bless you, try again and don’t take it to heart! it can be tricky to strike up a conversation when the children are distracting things, but I am sure you will get talking once you’ve been a couple more times. It won’t be how you look, as long as you are smiling and making eye contact then you will be fine 🙂

RealBecca · 06/09/2021 16:00

Try some breastfeeding grouos, they ar usually quieter, same age and facilitated by a health worker. Theres nothing to do but talk about your babies so its a good grouo even if you dont need help with feeding.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 06/09/2021 16:02

Chin up OP. You have to try lots of different groups until you find one you like the look of, and then attend that one (or better still more than one) until you connect with people.

I got blanked out of about 4 baby groups before I found one I liked, and even then it took a few weeks of showing my face before I got to know people. They recommended other welcoming groups, which was really helpful. Six years on, I am so glad I persevered, because I still have really good friendships from those groups.

I would give that group one more try, but in the meantime find out what other groups are on, so you are ready to move on if necessary.

TempName01 · 06/09/2021 16:03

I would say as a rule don’t bring your husband but actually my DH is particularly good at getting talking to other mums/dads/grans so probably would be a help if I was struggling 🤣

Whydidimarryhim · 06/09/2021 16:03

I would have thought one of the leaders who where running the group would have come over to chat to you especially seeing as you where on your own.
Groups can be clickey.
Do you have any sure start groups in your area?
Well done for going.

TheDailyCarbunkle · 06/09/2021 16:04

I mean this in the nicest possible way.

I ran a baby group for years and I put a lot of effort into getting people talking, introducing people etc. It was a very relaxed group, with dads and grandads and all sorts of people attending. I met two of my best friends there.

You are totally wrong to assume that everyone else is sorted, hanging out with their friends having a great time and being rude and ignoring you. They are in exactly the same boat as you are and assuming they are somehow different from you (or even 'better' or looking down on you) is pretty much guaranteed to be the reason why people won't talk to you. It's not their duty to talk to you and they will only approach you if you seem friendly, open, comfortable, smiley etc and if you make as much effort as they are - if you seem closed off, nervous, unsure, that will make them anxious and they'll stay away.

I say that from years of watching parents interacting in the group. There were some who approached me and complained about 'cliqueyness' and 'rudeness' and it really annoyed me because they were invariably the people who always sat miles away at the end of the room, looking forlorn. They never started a conversation and they always had a defensive air about them that put other people off. For some of them I did the very hard work of creating relationships between them and other parents but even then it didn't always work. And sometimes I just didn't have the energy tbh - I introduced them, I included them in conversations but that was as much as I could do if they weren't going to do the rest themselves.

I 'make friends easily.' But and this is a big but - I am just as nervous as everyone else when I go somewhere new, I find smalltalk just as difficult and I make just as many mistakes as everyone else. It takes a lot of effort, for everyone. You have to hang in there and be persistent. Not everyone will like you and you won't like everyone. But eventually you'll meet people you'll click with. If you decide straight away that no one likes you and they look down on you etc. then you're done for - why would anyone want to be friends with you with an attitude like that? You're new, they don't know you, they need time to get used to you and for things to warm up.

There are some horrible people out there. But they are very few and far between. Most are lovely. Not everyone is a friend, but most are nice to pass the time with. Everyone has their insecurities, everyone is feeling their way. You're as good and as kind and as lovely as they are. If you're not someone's cup of tea, no big deal, you'll click with someone else.

Just be open-minded. Give people a chance.

Scotinoz · 06/09/2021 16:04

I found baby groups a real mixed bag - some cliquey and shite, some lovely. I think you have to circulate a bit before you find your people.

Library rhyme time type one, paid one, other playgroups, parks often have a walking with pranks club…

It’s really hard, but you’ll find some decent mums somewhere 🙂

Eesha · 06/09/2021 16:06

I never met anyone via the toddlers groups, only via a church playgroup which I happened upon. You'll definitely make friends along the way.

TheDailyCarbunkle · 06/09/2021 16:09

I should add that I absolutely hate the term 'cliquey' - everyone is entitled to chat to their own friends and no one owes anyone else friendship or even a conversation. Rudeness isn't on of course, but I think there's a perception that 'cliques' are full of 'popular mums' who 'look down on' others. That is pure nonsense. So-called 'cliques' tend to be people who have found others they feel comfortable with, who cling desperately to each other because they simply can't face talking to strangers and because they don't have the energy to be lovely and smiley and chatty to everyone all the time. There were some 'cliques' at my toddler group and they tended to be mums who looked alike who all gravitated towards each other and then just settled there - they didn't even necessarily like each other that much but it was easy for them to talk to each other, a nice routine and so they just stuck to that.

GettingItOutThere · 06/09/2021 16:11

personal experience - church groups are the worst IMO

Go for actual groups in play centres, play groups in centers
lots of click mums - its normal! but dont give up please

I started going to a lovely group when my baby was only a few weeks old, its now finished but i stayed away from the clicky mums and found my people.

best of luck

TheDailyCarbunkle · 06/09/2021 16:11

It always bothered me that the 'cliques' were expected to be open and welcome and friendly at all times but the 'quiet' mums would sometimes barely even respond when someone tried to start a conversation. It's a two-way street and IME you get what you give.

RobinPenguins · 06/09/2021 16:12

I’m sorry it was a disappointing experience. I’m frumpy and definitely not young and I’ve been sat on my own with a smile being ignored before at many a group so don’t assume it’s your style or age. I made it out of maternity leave with one friend which felt like quite good going for me, but I will confess to feeling jealous of those who find their “tribe”. Sometime I do worry I’ve failed my DD a bit by not setting her up with a ready made group of friends.

Nocutenamesleft · 06/09/2021 16:13

Oh my gosh!!

I work at a church mother and baby group. We have a policy that we spend 15-30 mins talking to anyone new. I’m surprised that they didn’t do this. We have a lady who is almost head to foot in tattoos. Including her face. Neck. Hands. Fingers!! She’s also in her 20’s. But is one of the nicest ladies I’ve ever met.

It’s so sad that this happened to you. I’d be more than happy to chat on PM if you’d ever like a friendly ear or a friend xx

TheDailyCarbunkle · 06/09/2021 16:13

@RobinPenguins

I wouldn't worry too much about your DD. I made friends on maternity leave and our children are friendly with each other but they're not friends - they make their own friends at school and other activities.

lockdownalli · 06/09/2021 16:13

Oh OP!

I am a hardnut extrovert. I went to one of these groups with my first baby, and absolutely no fucker spoke to me either. I was really upset.

I think my baby was too young to appreciate it or join in really.

I would wait until the baby is a bit older and can at least sit unaided and do clapping and stuff. I found music groups really good fun as you sort of have something to do, and you all sit in a circle with the child in front of you.

Stovetopespresso · 06/09/2021 16:15

@TheDailyCarbunkle hmm no one owes anyone a conversation but it would be kind right? I know I'm talking about a more ideal world...but toddler groups and the like are set up to be helpful to all.

I guess op can bank this experience and remember to include others when she's in her own lovely group!

Booknooks · 06/09/2021 16:16

@TheDailyCarbunkle

I think most people empathise with someone sat alone, that's the difference between friends and a clique to me. The latter aren't very welcoming, and stuff like moving the chair away without uttering a word is quite rude and unapproachable imo. I've been on both sides, as in very much an outsider to making friends and making sure to say hello to everyone and see if they wanted to join in.

takehomepay · 06/09/2021 16:16

I tried boob as I got a goth baby grow saying I vant to suck your boo ooooob (like dracula) but it wasn't to be.

This made me smile! It's their loss OP. I'm not white and you'd think I was an alien sometimes , people are polite but standoffish, so I get what's like to be different.

GherkinsOnToast · 06/09/2021 16:16

Do you have a local Children's centre? I found they ran a few groups including a new mums group which is where I met lots of new, mostly first time, mums.

Ozanj · 06/09/2021 16:16

I have the opposite problem. I’m 40+, dress in smart casual, and the mum and local toddler groups are full of young tattooed mums who cluster together and ignore me. They love my son, thankfully, so I use it as an opportunity to chill out for 30mins to enjoy a hot cuppa and biscuit lol.

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