To feel sad about mother and baby group

[cereallover]

Ftm and I have anxiety issues and aspergers.

My ds is 3 months old exactly today and my dm told me that the mother and baby group at our church was reopening today and that I should go as it would be good for both of us.

I was smiley and tried to talk to others via their children but they were quickly ushered away and I was told by them 'sorry to which I smiled and said it's fine.

I dress alternative and have visible tattoos and I think I was the youngest parent there as well as having the youngest baby too.

I understand people maybe nervous still because of covid, but I was sat there like a loser with a smile stuck on for nothing it seems and surely if you see someone friendly looking sat on their own and new you would say hello at least.?

I wasn't expecting to leave with a BFF but a 5 minute at most chat would have been nice.

Thankfully ds had a poo and I changed him whilst crying in the toilets feeling like I was at school again and not good enough.

Luckily my husband is off next Monday so will try again then so I have some support.

Not sure why I'm posting just feel really low and no one else to talk to apart from husband 😕

You are the exact person I'd be looking for!

MN tends to be down on baby and toddler groups, but personally I love them.

I did chat with the mums I went to the groups with but it was after the session. I think if you’re going with the expectation of making friends it’s perhaps the wrong focus. For all MN insists otherwise, the groups are there for the babies. Fair enough if you have a huge family you don’t need them, but I don’t fall into that category and my baby certainly benefited from seeing other babies, getting out of the house, songs, games and activities.

I think it is worth persevering, but I think @TheDailyCarbunkle has had good advice. The MN line - that baby groups are filled with nasty types and the babies don’t benefit anyway - is the absolute opposite of my experiences.

I found this at the first group I tried. I didn't go again until I found a new group and they were much friendlier with lovely people who ran it. I made sure I always spoke to new mum's after that as I wouldn't want anyone to feel like I did. Try again and maybe chat to the people running it they may be able to introduce you hopefully next time will be easier for you

I think you have had some great advice on this thread OP and I hope things improve for you .

My two penneth worth is regarding what you said about I was smiley and tried to talk to others via their children. It is much easier for someone to respond to an adult talking directly to them than via their children. As you are finding the connections difficult I would take out this part of the equation .

Good luck on finding someone on their own to talk to . And I agree, definitely don't take your dh as that will make it harder for people to talk to you!

Maybe speak to some parents directly next time rather than via their kids?

This.

But also these sorts of groups often actually have a high percentage of nannies, au pairs, childminders and grandmas in some areas. The nannies/au pairs/childminders seem to be able to spot each other and tend to club together.

I also found these groups so hit & miss, there's a lot if luck. I went to one where I found everyone quite open & friendly, I got talking to a mum as lost looking as me and she became a great friend, and I ended up "in" with a lovely group. However another lovely lady I met later on said she had always felt ignored at that group. She and I had never met there somehow. I had other groups where I found as she had, that I never quite "broke in".

Sometimes you need to go 2 or 3 times to become familiar looking at get noticed more.

Do try and persevere, if you feel able to go a couple more times it's worth trying.

Op it's worth trying another group, some are friendlier than others.

Also, if it's a community group, can you contact the organisers in advance of attending, saying that are anxious and don't know anyone? That way they can introduce you to people. I used to help run a playgroup and would have been very happy to help.

I used to cry before and after my baby group, I hated it so much. Looking back, I can't imagine why I kept going back. I could just have stayed at home with my baby, which I enjoyed much, much more. Remember that these groups are not compulsory and at 3 months, won't particularly benefit your baby in any way. If you don't enjoy it after another try, just give it up!

Sorry you had a bad time.

What do you mean by ‘alternative’? Sadly many people have negative views on piercings, excessive tattoos (especially on face/neck), brightly dyed hair or unusual hairstyle.

If you turned up to a baby group in say ripped leather trousers, crop top and goth boots, but all the other mums were in neutral leggings and tunics/dresses you would have stood out. They may have been wary or nervous around you.

Maybe tone down the alternate image a bit if you want to fit in? I’m not saying change your identity, just dress down for baby groups. Jeans and a plain tee are more approachable than a look that stands out. Facial piercings like lip and eyebrow rings can make many people squeamish. Heavy make up is also off putting as it looks like you’re hiding behind a mask.

@StrangeToSee no face tattoos or facial piercings apart from ears pierced twice.
I was wearing a tank top and leggings.

My arm tattoo was on display and partially the one on my left boob (above I obviously don't walk around with me tits out 🤣) they are of birds so not offensive or scary .

No makeup as cba and hair isn't dyed. 😪

This is why I stopped going. It was pre Covid and I don’t look alternative, but the mums at the baby group still ignored me. I sat there for an hour smiling and saying hello while DC played with the toys. But it was utterly pointless, the most I got from anyone was a polite hello and then they went back to talking to their friends. I didn’t bother going back because they obviously weren’t open to making new friends, they just wanted to talk to the friends they already had. This is a general issue in life tbh - people don’t want additional friends, they feel they have enough already.

Surely it has nothing to do with how u look. I'd like to think so anyway.

Some folk will have already made friends at the group and won't mingle with new folk. Ur little one is quite young so not like she's going to wander over to ppl etc.

I went to one just before the lockdown in March 2020. I had a baby about same age and an almost 3yr old. Made me feel less alone as cld engage with 3yr old. I got chatting to another mum because 3yr old was playing with her little boy. I think it's much harder with a young baby.

Same for book bug I wouldn't go with a baby so young as she slept all through it in her pram and I sat there like an idiot myself 🙈

I am visibly heavily tattooed and had my daughter at 22. I was the youngest at my baby groups by a solid ten years, even though I was married.

It was generally fine, one or two people were a bit standoffish but most were 'normal'. It may have helped that despite appearances I'm fairly solidly 'middle class' in background and how I sound etc.

Personally I didn't get anything from baby groups until my daughter was old enough to actually play and interact with the resources and other children. Up until that point you're just kind of stuck there making small talk with people.

Try giving it a few months, maybe after Christmas? Your child will be more mobile and will engage with what's happening which will take the pressure off you.

@daisyjgrey if next week is bad then I will try again when ds is a bit older 😊

That's a good idea, cereal, in fact it sounds much better.

@thetesdybears

In my experience the way you look definitely does have an impact. I've had multiple people be surprised that i breastfed for so long and was quite conscious about weaning foods, it was as though some people assumed I'd be plonking her in McDonald's with Coca Cola in a bottle at 6 months.

I still get it occasionally from my daughters teachers. She is just going into year 7 but I had trouble with a very blunt year 5 teacher who was dismissive and patronising until she asked my daughter who was picking her up and she said it wasn't me as I was at a doctoral conference in Poland and then lo and behold she was nice to me. It was a marked difference.

@StrangeToSee

Sorry you had a bad time.

What do you mean by ‘alternative’? Sadly many people have negative views on piercings, excessive tattoos (especially on face/neck), brightly dyed hair or unusual hairstyle.

If you turned up to a baby group in say ripped leather trousers, crop top and goth boots, but all the other mums were in neutral leggings and tunics/dresses you would have stood out. They may have been wary or nervous around you.

Maybe tone down the alternate image a bit if you want to fit in? I’m not saying change your identity, just dress down for baby groups. Jeans and a plain tee are more approachable than a look that stands out. Facial piercings like lip and eyebrow rings can make many people squeamish. Heavy make up is also off putting as it looks like you’re hiding behind a mask.

Or you can dress how you feel comfortable. If someone doesn't want to talk to you because they're put off by a lip piercing, they're not your people.

I agree with daisy! I often think about a comment someone said to me at uni 20 odd years ago… often the most genuine, nicest, most interesting and expressive people are the ones who dress alternatively, it’s the buttoned up suits you have to watch your back with.

Over the years I’ve found that so true!!

You need to give it more than one session. I've been going to my one a while and it takes a while for people to start talking to you. I have now made some good friends there though.

Also as a mum to a now crawling baby - I now spend half my time chasing him round and can't just sit and chat for ages whilst he trashes the place/hurts himself!

I felt the same with baby groups. I'm not sure but felt like some of the 'mums' might have actually been the nanny.

Do give it another go. I've been a toddler group leader, and although I always did my best to welcome new parents and introduce them to others, it sometimes a takes a little while for them to be integrated - but it does happen. This week being the first week back, I suspect a lot of the existing mums will have been catching up on each others' news (the more so if they haven't seen each other as much because of covid), and so perhaps a bit blind to there being someone new feeling left out. There may be other new people next week - I used to reckon the biggest numbers were always about the third week in, as not everyone gets organised the first week of term.

And do be brave - I remember that when I started going to groups, it felt like everyone already knew each other and I'd never break into the friendship groups. One good way to get a response might be to ask something baby-related - when did yours start sleeping through the night?/should I worry that she's not rolling yet? - soon everyone will be telling you about their child (but don't get hung up on comparisons - they're all different). Give it three months and you'll probably know all their birth stories!

Personally I didn't get anything from baby groups until my daughter was old enough to actually play and interact with the resources and other children. Up until that point you're just kind of stuck there making small talk with people.

That is fine if you're not going back to work, but for those of us who return at 6 months or so, it is well worth going in those early months because that is our chance to make friends with mums of babies the same age.

I found most of these mum/baby groups very clicky too so I always made sure I mingled with the new ones x
And I couldn't care less if people dressed in fancy dress and had a million piercings etc that's their problem not yours x
If you don't gel there try another x
Congratulations on your little bundle of joy x

@TheYearOfSmallThings

Personally I didn't get anything from baby groups until my daughter was old enough to actually play and interact with the resources and other children. Up until that point you're just kind of stuck there making small talk with people.

That is fine if you're not going back to work, but for those of us who return at 6 months or so, it is well worth going in those early months because that is our chance to make friends with mums of babies the same age.

Yes that's a fair point, although my sister was in this position (and then baby groups were cancelled anyway for the lockdowns) and she joined her local NCT when she was pregnant to try and form some friendships as she knew she wouldn't be able to once she went back to work.

@cereallover I don't even have DC and I want to be your friend, we have so much in common! 🖤