To feel sad about mother and baby group

[cereallover]

Ftm and I have anxiety issues and aspergers.

My ds is 3 months old exactly today and my dm told me that the mother and baby group at our church was reopening today and that I should go as it would be good for both of us.

I was smiley and tried to talk to others via their children but they were quickly ushered away and I was told by them 'sorry to which I smiled and said it's fine.

I dress alternative and have visible tattoos and I think I was the youngest parent there as well as having the youngest baby too.

I understand people maybe nervous still because of covid, but I was sat there like a loser with a smile stuck on for nothing it seems and surely if you see someone friendly looking sat on their own and new you would say hello at least.?

I wasn't expecting to leave with a BFF but a 5 minute at most chat would have been nice.

Thankfully ds had a poo and I changed him whilst crying in the toilets feeling like I was at school again and not good enough.

Luckily my husband is off next Monday so will try again then so I have some support.

Not sure why I'm posting just feel really low and no one else to talk to apart from husband 😕

Honestly I think baby groups are just like this! They're a bit weird. I just made a point to enjoy it with my baby and not use it as a friend finding exercise, new people will come and go and you might click with someone for a little chat but it's all quite superficial stuff.

Poor you- I met the anti wipe, cloth nappy bum lot all who breastfed ( great all their choice )

1. I had no milk I had to bottle 2 ) I made a choice just like you... please respect it

Lots seemed to know each other/ click with each other- felt very outside then covid .....

It’s not you!

These play group things can be vile quite frankly!

I felt just like you at the local one (except I was a bland, overweight, exhausted but smiling new mum and assumed my weight was the issue!)

I suspect the toddlers hate them too as they get pushed around and stolen from etc after all the wild eyed excitement of seeing the toys on arrival.

Facilitated activity groups are vaguely better eg baby massage, baby yoga, nursery rhyme singing etc.

Even better walking to the park and chatting to who ever else is feeding the ducks etc

By the way suspect in those groups every other adult is terrified of loosing the attention of the one person speaking to them and limpet like protects their tenuous connection lest the end up the one on the end feeling left out. Horrible.

Well done for going! Keep trying. Those groups can be tricky. A lot of the time I think other people are just shy themselves though and struggle to break the ice. I doubt it’s you. Have you tried mush? It’s like a dating ap for Mums!

I would love to get out to some baby groups as I’m in a new village, I have newborn twins though so I feel like it’s too difficult right now. It’s definitely very isolating.

That’s rubbish OP, I’m sorry. Hopefully it wasn’t anything to do with you being young or the way you look, but rather parents just being super cautious about Covid etc. If they had toddlers they were maybe also cautious about your little baby being bumped etc.

I’d give it a go in the hope that it was just a bad one off.

Not quite the same as I'm not young (!) But I can totally sympathise, it's hard enough getting together the oomph to get out to a group only to find it's no fun when you do.

I wonder if you might be better at something that's a bit more structured, I know I was. I normally hate organised fun but found one baby group that was mostly led by a lovely lady so it was just really you, baby, and her, with other people doing the same, then there was a bit of social time/free play at the end and because everyone had been doing the activities together but separately before then it was much easier to make small talk. Plus it seemed to attract really nice fellow nervous FTM. I never did go to a churchy stay and play type of thing as I was worried about all the things you've experienced. I know the organised ones tend to cost more but if you want to go to a group (and you don't have to) that bit of structure might fit and might also land you with fellow FTM with you g babies as they tend to split those classes by age.

@LadyOfLittleLeisure

The best thing I did with my first DC was go to one of the children's centre baby 'courses' so everyone there started the course at the same time (I think it was 6 weeks long). This meant everyone was a newbie and desperately hoping to make friends. The course was pretty inane and silly but I made good friends with the other mums (all first time mums as well, so all in the same boat). Persevere! X

I was going to suggest doing a course.

I found that everyone seemed to know each other in the stay and play group I took Ds1 to, and I felt just like you. It was awful! So I just gave up and we stayed on our own till DS2 was born - by which time I’d realised that DS1 needed social interaction and was lonely.

So when DS2 was born I went to a breastfeeding course and made friends straight away - loads of whom had older children DS1’s age. If I was to do it again I’d definitely join a bunch of courses - people seem to be much more willing to make friends there

I'm so sorry you experienced this, for what it's worth I was never a fan of mum and baby groups as I found them quite cliquey.

You sound lovely by the way so please don't take it to heart. Just do what you are doingand remember there's no rules that say you have to go to any groups that you don't want to especially if you don't feel comfortable.

I hated mum and baby groups, but was much happier, as were the kids, at activity based venues such as soft play where I could drink coffee and read trashy magazines

Am wondering if you could find something more along the lines of what you are interested in?

👋 another FTM with Aspergers here, @cereallover. Well done for trying! I even found at NCT this weekend that people were judgey - I don’t look all of my 31 years and the older people in the group wouldn’t engage with me. It’s hard to ignore attitudes like that when you’re feeling so isolated. Although it’s easier said than done, keep trying 🙂 maybe that group just wasn’t for you.

I've just remembered I met 2 good friends at ante natal classes.
I'm sure short courses would work just as well.

I wish you had been at the groups I went to, instead of the clique wannabe earth mothers.. Urgh I didn't make one friend from baby group.
Sorry this happened to you, its not you, its them. But do keep going, don't let it deter you x

Yes, structured classes or mum dating apps! Personally I liked Mush, but there are others too.

[quote cereallover]@staffy1 my next issue is keeping a friend.
My other problem is I talk to people like I've know them for years and I over share. It freaks people out...someone should start a weirdos mother and baby group 🤣 so we can all be weird and safe.[/quote]
I am an over sharer too, OP although it is something I'm working on 🤣 . I have a little girl who's Autistic and I have wondered if I am too.

Keep at it, I know it’s hard. I tell myself people are awkward and try to brush it off. Eventually, you’ll find a person who you click with. Go to lots of different groups, some are very stuck up and cliquey and I avoid those, others have a lovely vibe and you will find them!

When all else fails and I feel really low, I fake it till I make it and tell myself I am there for the baby anyway and model a ‘whatever, I’ll do my own thing’ attitude which I hope my DS picks up! I was a VERY shy child and am still a reserved adult and it’s painful sometimes.xx

I'm not a young mum really either..I'm almost 36 but I get told I don't look my age (maybe being polite I don't know). I bottle feed as well. I tried boob as I got a goth baby grow saying I vant to suck your boo ooooob (like dracula) but it wasn't to be.

I don't quite understand it...it all comes out the same hole at the end of the day. I spoke to one mum briefly who asked about my ds and I asked about hers but then her friends turned up.What hurt is that there was a chair between me and them and she saw me and moved her stuff and herself closer to her friends

It’s not you. Perhaps she thought you were waiting for friends so moved away to free up chairs? I don’t think what you described me and she doesn’t like you or anything.

It took me quite a few visits to get talking properly with other mums. That’s not because they didn’t like me, but just how it goes: some have friends so are already in a group, and others are by themselves like you but shy and/or wary of approaching others for a while because they’re waiting to see what they’re like and if they’re with a group too.

Give it a few goes keep smiling and greeting people, and keep chatting. One of the people you casually chat to will click and then you’ll be able to speak to them each time you go.

I think what's really pissed me off the most is that I gave the donation of 2 quid (towards tea, coffee,biscuits etc) and I was too nervous to get a biscuit. Fuckin liberty 🤣

That’s awful ☹️ Can’t believe people can be so rude.

I didn’t enjoy them either. Tried two different ones, then gave up.

Try it next week but also see if there are other groups in your area too. It sounds like it’s quite poorly run, to be honest and there might be better organised groups nearby.

At the village group I went to, we had a rota for helping to put the toys out, put them away, tea making and also someone had to be assigned to talk to the new mums/shy mums etc. each session.

It was an organised rota so that one person didn’t get stuck doing the role when they also wanted time to play with their child too and it helped even the shy mums after they’d been coming for a few sessions to be required to introduce themselves to other newcomers and help them settle in.

I never got on with these types of baby groups. Remember walking home from the first one I went to in floods of tears. I wear less conventional stuff and have tattoos too. And at 31 years old (then I'm much older now!) I looked a lot younger. No one spoke to me or took notice of my poor screaming, refluxy DD. The woman running it was nice though she made me a cup of tea and gave me a twix and held DD whilst I ate it....I will always remember that!

I found baby yoga much better, where there's an actual activity involved. Nicer people too.

unfortunately some friendships seem to be based on how superficially 'similar' people are to eachother. if it was properly church-y as in full of good people then a volunteer should have chatted to you.
it will be ok, maybe you'll bump in to one of the mums elsewhere and make friends, it takes time

There are often cliques of people too scared to reach out to a newbie at these groups. Keep trying, soon another newbie could turn up and you could reach out to them.

That's a good point actually, I did always scour any group or event for somebody else that looked as uncomfortable as I felt, there was usually someone, and they were at least happy to pass the time even if not make deep and meaningful friendships out of it.