To feel sad about mother and baby group

[cereallover]

Ftm and I have anxiety issues and aspergers.

My ds is 3 months old exactly today and my dm told me that the mother and baby group at our church was reopening today and that I should go as it would be good for both of us.

I was smiley and tried to talk to others via their children but they were quickly ushered away and I was told by them 'sorry to which I smiled and said it's fine.

I dress alternative and have visible tattoos and I think I was the youngest parent there as well as having the youngest baby too.

I understand people maybe nervous still because of covid, but I was sat there like a loser with a smile stuck on for nothing it seems and surely if you see someone friendly looking sat on their own and new you would say hello at least.?

I wasn't expecting to leave with a BFF but a 5 minute at most chat would have been nice.

Thankfully ds had a poo and I changed him whilst crying in the toilets feeling like I was at school again and not good enough.

Luckily my husband is off next Monday so will try again then so I have some support.

Not sure why I'm posting just feel really low and no one else to talk to apart from husband 😕

Ahh bless you this was me and my DS (now 3) when he was born. I suffer with terrible anxiety and was so unconfident it took me months to take DS on my own and when I did I felt so lonely. It was almost like everyone could sense how out of place I was and stayed clear. Well done you for going and please try again! DS is 3 now and I’ve lots of nice chats at the nursery school gates/play dates.
Where about in the country are you OP. X

The sorry might have been because they thought you wouldn’t want their germ ridden energetic toddlers too near a small baby.
Give it a few weeks. Smile. Compliments always go down well - I love his outfit etc. Agree re health centre course - I did one 6 weeks and everyone started together no cliques. Keep trying different groups if that one isn’t for you. The sure start ones were more mixed. An activity can help break ice too eg baby massage or singing.

I take my grandchildren to play group, pre school, school and soft play and no one talks to me either! I don’t have two heads, just one old one! It’s all a bit tribal isn’t it? Keep at it, familiarity may help, and you may not be the only one feeling left out.

I got a goth baby grow saying I vant to suck your boo ooooob

I want to be your friend. But my youngest baby is 9 (years) so I'm probably a bit too old for your baby group

[quote Stovetopespresso]@TheDailyCarbunkle hmm no one owes anyone a conversation but it would be kind right? I know I'm talking about a more ideal world...but toddler groups and the like are set up to be helpful to all.

I guess op can bank this experience and remember to include others when she's in her own lovely group![/quote]
It definitely would be kind, but as you say if OP expects it from others then she needs to do it herself. IME the ones who complained about 'cliques' never welcomed anyone new once they got established themselves because they found it too hard. For some reason everyone else had to be welcoming but they got a free pass!

I only briefly tried mother and baby activities. I didn't find any particular things in common with the other people I met there. Where I did make friends was through nursery, and in particular, through invitations to toddler birthday parties. Those are the occasions where you are flung together with other parents for two hours at a time without a baby shield to hide behind, and we all have no choice but to make conversation. At this point they are choosing friends, and you naturally get to know those parents. I'm sure playgroups are similar. So take heart - it may not happen yet, but I'm sure you'll find lasting friendships with other parents when they are older.

Making friends as an adult is so hard OP. It’s not you at all.

My experience of these groups is that it’s when you become a recognised face at the group that people warm to you. Takes a while. And it as awkward as anything painting in a smile and feeling like a wall flower. Been there. But maybe there might be better groups to join?

I have anxiety and nobody talked to me either. But I didn’t go to any baby group until my could walk at 9 months. Then I could let her play and I could watch and read.
I did go to Health visitor’s group because they gave talks etc, which I found fun.
The one thing I would say is if groups aren’t fun, just don’t go!
If I had my time again, I would pay for nursery one full day a week so they could socialise.

I don't know if you have Homestart in your area, I went to a lovely group run by them.

The local toddler group was horrible, I was a young mum (who also looked like a teenager although I was in my early 20s by that point). All of the other mums were at least 10 years older than me and there were groups of childminders who just talked to each other.

You are not alone! I can guarantee you that there were other parents there feeling just as awkward. I am someone who most people consider to be outgoing and very sociable and I found most toddler groups extremely painful and hard work to start with. We had recently moved to quite a small town where many people don't leave so there were quite a few people who already knew each other from growing up and I worked full time so hadn't met anyone before having DS.

I am also a much older parent and so the opposite end of the spectrum to yourself but also in the different camp (I am sure people thought I was my son's gran !). What I tended to do was be as "professionally friendly" to as many people as possible and kept at it. I went to different groups and found the ones that were more friendly/engaging/my kind of people. I also went to to paid for classes/courses and eventually I started bumping into some of the same people who I am still friendly with today.

Good luck and congratulations on your baby!

Ah... sorry to hear this OP! Some parents are very nice , but some do ignore and some can be very cliquey. I reckon it this same cliquey lot that goes on to form the school gate clique. Just remember, you are going to these groups to give your ds an experience and you are there with your little best friend. You both have each other there, so don't worry about others.When you go there several times people will become familiar with you and start talking. I always found the first thing people ask to break the ice is " how old is your little one?" , and it is usually asked about a child who is of a similar age to their own" and then build up the convo from there. Just keep going to that group and others and you will make mum friends/acquaintances. Even if you don't, it doesn't matter, you've got your friend with you .

I used to feel like this and it really put me off going to drop in places. In the end, when they were toddlers, I signed up to places which you would pay for termly. Because I has already paid I HAD to go. But mainly I chose those groups based on the fact you have to follow your children around! Rather than sit and hope someone talks to you. And I actually did make some friends who I would meet separately for playdates because after going you'll find that some toddlers navigate towards one another. I went to baby ballet and toddler sense, if you're interested, when the time is right. So maybe you could try baby sense?? The classes are interactive so you're not sitting there feeling like the only lonely lemon!

Otherwise, keep it up and either force your way into a group conversation, or just give it time.

Don't forget they are probably feeling insecure too so I'd give it a few goes and try to be brave and chat to someone. It's not easy I know.

Hugs. It’s not you. The baby groups I attempted with my first two were incredibly cliquey! I gave up with the first. The second after a few weeks another mum came in looking awkward so I went over and we’ve been the awkward two at the group or school gates in the 8 years since 😅

Sorry to hear this has happened to

Something similar happened to me too. I was the only mother not wearing designer clothes and I couldn't afford to eat in the the posh restaurants they all frequented.

Annoyingly my child absolutely loved going. So I persevered for around a year. For me I was upset that the Mother's all went out for a meal at Christmas. I wasn't invited. I didn't know anything about it until a new Mother innocently asked why I wasn't there. Another Mother interrupted and informed her they I possibly couldn't afford it, with Christmas. I replied, it would have been nice to be asked.

I found another parents and child group a few weeks later. Again we didn't really fit in, however, the parents were really kind. The children played together really well.

It may be worth checking for other groups.

I work FT so it was my DH who took our kids to toddler groups. Childminders and grandparents chatted to him but mothers sat in their little cliques and chatted with their friends and ignored him. He stopped going to some groups, or focused on more active groups where there were more dads, and you had to stay / sit with your DC not sit at the side with a coffee. You will find your baby group, it just may not be this one.

It's only the first week, keep going back you'll get chatting and before you know it you'll be meeting the same people there each week. I go to tonnes of classes and some of my close friends and I were there a few weeks before we got talking to one another.
Ask how old their baby is, what their name is, are they local etc.
Personally I don't think it's a good idea to take your husband, it makes you seem unapproachable.

Why don’t you try something like the app mush or mummy social?

I met lots of mums on mush. People know what you’re like beforehand so it’s much easier

I'm really boring looking and this happened to me once too and I left in tears. Maybe try one more time if you feel up to it. Then a different group perhaps

If it was the first week back, they would have been more likely to want to only catch up with friends. So worth trying again. I help run a church baby / toddler group and we try our best to seek out those on their own and chat to them and if possible introduce them to others. If you see someone else on own on their phone, try speaking to them - they may be in middle of an important email (and will then politely make it clear they don’t want to chat) but more likely will be using it as a defence rather than looking lonely. Saying something complimentary about their child is often a good way into a conversation. Definitely give it another go.

Honestly I think it's difficult for both sides. I also have tattoos and piercings, I home ed and generally do not fit the 'yummy mummy' image.
With my ds1 I felt like you did the first week, and left in tears. But went back the next week and took and deep breath and went over to a group and basically said I'm new, I'd love to chat may I join you?
And you know what they were lovely. It transpired that because I hadn't come over they had assumed I did want to chat and was just there so my son could crawl about on the play stuff. They therefore didn't come over incase I felt obligated to join them when I really wanted to be left alone.
It's hard to get it right all the time when you don't know someone.
I made some very good friends there in the end.

[quote cereallover]@staffy1 my next issue is keeping a friend.
My other problem is I talk to people like I've know them for years and I over share. It freaks people out...someone should start a weirdos mother and baby group 🤣 so we can all be weird and safe.[/quote]
You don't have to talk too much and overshare, you know. It's your choice to do that.

I didn't realise you were 36, you 'sound' about half that age as well as look it :-).

You are also not a singleton, you have a partner.

I have no idea what the problem is here but, honestly, your baby is far too young to be bothered about mum and baby groups. Plenty of people bottle feed, you can't be the only one, not everyone can breast feed successfully.

I certainly didn't expect people to bound over and chat straight away. I was hoping for a few hellos how old etc how you finding it etc and ask the same back.

I think most of us have been there OP!

I never had any luck with baby groups, but as others have said a course like baby massage or yoga might prove more fruitful.

@Plumtree391 yes I know it's my fault I overshare I get excited 😆