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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should come home when I’m sick

192 replies

Blahblsg · 05/09/2021 19:15

My boyfriend and I have a 18 month old. He works away and usually comes home twice a week. Our baby has been sick and passed it on to me, i knew he had tickets to an event today with his best friends. It’s a bad cold but I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus, not Covid. Obviously the day is done now but he still went to this event.

I didn’t want to ask him to come home but rather see if he would. He’s text me from the event telling me to stay strong. I honestly feel like he doesn’t care at all, our baby has eaten nothing but snacks and yoghurts all day.

I don’t begrudge him going out and he went to one of these events last month.

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 05/09/2021 19:17

I didn’t want to ask him to come home but rather see if he would.

No one is a mind reader. He probably thinks you only have a sniffle but are otherwise well enough to not need him. If you need/want him to cancel plans and come home, you should ask.

RunningFromInsanity · 05/09/2021 19:18

It’s a dangerous slope when you start ‘testing’ your partner.

If you wanted him to come home you should’ve asked him to come.

LegendaryReady · 05/09/2021 19:19

I wouldn't expect someone to cancel a pre booked event because I had a cold, no. I would expect them to be extra helpful/caring the next day though.

vodkaredbullgirl · 05/09/2021 19:20

If you need him home, just ask him.

Original poster
Blahblsg · 05/09/2021 19:21

I do understand I should not have expected him to but we’ve had a hard few months where I told him I feel unappreciated, and not cared for. Maybe I’m feeling sensitive about that.
The event was just like a day rave. It’s more so not being able to care for our baby properly. And he’s back to work tomorrow so he can’t help out until next weekend

OP posts:
cardibach · 05/09/2021 19:22

It’s a cold. However bad, it’s just a cold. There’s no reason to not have fed your child (or yourself) properly. How on Earth do you think single parents manage? If you were really ill I would have some sympathy with your point of view - like if you had to be in hospital.

FOJN · 05/09/2021 19:23

I didn’t want to ask him to come home but rather see if he would.

I can understand it would have been nice if he had offered but he didn't and you didn't ask. You effectively set a test and he failed it. He may have assumed you were well enough to look after your child because you didn't tell him otherwise. It's disappointing when your needs don't seem as obvious to someone else as they are to you but you can't accuse him of not caring when you weren't explicit.

Were you worried he'd be resentful if you asked him to cancel so you left it to him to offer? That would be more of a concern for me.

BritWifeInUSA · 05/09/2021 19:23

What were you expecting him to do at home? It’s not as if you are bed-ridden and need someone to empty a bed pan or feed you. Get a grip. It’s a cold. You’re going to have a few more in your lifetime too.

Sadiecow · 05/09/2021 19:24

Bit much for a cold!

Original poster
Blahblsg · 05/09/2021 19:24

I’ve got chills, my skin feels sensitive, my head is pounding, I feel drained of energy, a sore throat and a really bad cough. I genuinely didn’t have enough energy to cook for either of us

OP posts:
MadeOfStarStuff · 05/09/2021 19:25

It’s always unreasonable to test your partner and expect them to read your mind. You’re an adult, if you want someone to do something then use your words and ask them to.

And YABU to expect him to cancel plans because you have a cold.

Sadiecow · 05/09/2021 19:26

@Blahblsg

I’ve got chills, my skin feels sensitive, my head is pounding, I feel drained of energy, a sore throat and a really bad cough. I genuinely didn’t have enough energy to cook for either of us
How do you think single parents cope? How would you have coped if he was at work and not at a rave?

Boiled eggs?

Toast and cheese?

Soubriquet · 05/09/2021 19:27

It honestly won’t harm your dc to have snacks and yoghurt for a day. Or plonked down in front of CBeebies whilst you lay on the sofa

If you feel that ill that you need help, you need to straight out ask him to come home.

MeredithGreyishblue · 05/09/2021 19:28

If you're poorly enough to feed your child crap all day, you need to ask him to come home.

If you're being a wet wipe over a cold, stop it.

If, however, he really only comes home twice a week, are you actually exhausted and miserable from an unhealthy balance?

ActonSquirrel · 05/09/2021 19:28

You have a cold.

Paracetamol and decongestant and crack on

FOJN · 05/09/2021 19:29

Have you taken any paracetamol to relieve your symptoms? And are you sure it's a cold and not the dreaded covid?

FAQs · 05/09/2021 19:29

Lone parent here from pregnancy to nearly adult, best advice from me is to freeze a few meals so when you are ill, your child still eats properly. Its seen me through broken bones and norovirus, NV was worse, I was literally on my knees and crawling I was so ill.

Original poster
Blahblsg · 05/09/2021 19:30

I’ve been a single parent for many many years. I have an older child who is at uni. I have done it before thanks.

If I knew he was at home sick, with a sick baby. No shopping in, I would go to help. Yes I agree setting imaginary tests is never good but there’s been so many times I’ve expressed he needs to do more.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 05/09/2021 19:33

If he thinks you've got a cold he's not going to come home and you'd be unreasonable to expect him to miss a pre-planned event.

If you'd said to him "I can't function well enough to look after the baby properly and we have no shopping in" and he hadn't come home or offered support I'd understand your issue.

Original poster
Blahblsg · 05/09/2021 19:33

I took a test yesterday and it was negative. Maybe I should take another one..

I think I’m exhausted and this just topped it off. Sometimes he doesn’t come home twice a week. If he has events like this it may be one day. When he’s sick he comes home and expects to be looked after.

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 05/09/2021 19:33

Did you ask him to stay at home? Tell him you couldn't cope? If not, YABU. He's not psychic.

I'm a single mum, been doing this for 13 years. Take some Panadol, wrap up warm, drink plenty of fluids and you'll be fine.

Suzi888 · 05/09/2021 19:34

Surely you could manage some boiled /scrambled egg, pasta, beans on toast. You both need to eat properly.
I’d be a bit irritated that my partner was working away all week and then partying to be honest, but not just because I was a bit under the weather, it would irritate me full stop. When does he see you and his child?! Confused He’s got a life of riley hasn’t he!

FAQs · 05/09/2021 19:34

Alright no need to get snippy, trying to help, if you’ve done it before you should be more organised.

seaandsandcastles · 05/09/2021 19:35

Of course YABU. You have a cold and he’s not a mindreader Confused

Original poster
Blahblsg · 05/09/2021 19:35

He asked me this morning if I had any plans,
I said I was supposed to go food shopping, there’s no way I can, and said we’ll have to make do with what we have. He just said get well.

OP posts: