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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should come home when I’m sick

192 replies

Blahblsg · 05/09/2021 19:15

My boyfriend and I have a 18 month old. He works away and usually comes home twice a week. Our baby has been sick and passed it on to me, i knew he had tickets to an event today with his best friends. It’s a bad cold but I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus, not Covid. Obviously the day is done now but he still went to this event.

I didn’t want to ask him to come home but rather see if he would. He’s text me from the event telling me to stay strong. I honestly feel like he doesn’t care at all, our baby has eaten nothing but snacks and yoghurts all day.

I don’t begrudge him going out and he went to one of these events last month.

OP posts:
Sadiecow · 05/09/2021 19:36

@Blahblsg

I’ve been a single parent for many many years. I have an older child who is at uni. I have done it before thanks.

If I knew he was at home sick, with a sick baby. No shopping in, I would go to help. Yes I agree setting imaginary tests is never good but there’s been so many times I’ve expressed he needs to do more.

Well it's not about today then, it's a bigger picture!
seaandsandcastles · 05/09/2021 19:36

Well yes, what was he supposed to say? You told him you could make do.

welshpolarbear · 05/09/2021 19:37

I know it's hard op, but I have a very bad long term condition in top of chronic fatigue, I have a child with adhd and a husband who works away.

When this is your life permanently you just have to push through. Some days I cry, a lot, but this is my life, I won't get better.

Just remember it will pass.

Some have to do this alone 100% of the time.

Waspsarearseholes · 05/09/2021 19:37

Did you at any point tell your boyfriend how ill you felt or did you expect him to guess? If you are so ill that you can't look after your child properly then you really should have told him to come home. If you're mildly ill but just feeling a bit sorry for yourself and would have preferred your boyfriend to choose to come home in some sort of grand gesture to make you feel loved then you seem to not know your boyfriend very well. What are you going to do tomorrow when your boyfriend's back at work?

Booksandwine80 · 05/09/2021 19:37

YANBU

MY DH went and played golf this morning despite me vomiting in the toilet when he got in from work last night. Knew that I haven’t eaten for two days and feel bloody rotten.

forinborin · 05/09/2021 19:37

OP it feels like one of those drops that could make the glass overflow. Insignificant on its own, but adds to the existing track record. Does he have form for this?

I remember the day when I had a cold realisation my marriage was probably over. When I was feeling unwell (just a fever and a sore throat - again, nothing too bad), 8 months pregnant with a 1 year old, and ex-H left for a music festival with friends. Nothing criminal from his side, just that it hit me like a brick then that he actually just didn't care. He did not come back, by the way, met someone there, so it self-resolved in any case.

Original poster
Blahblsg · 05/09/2021 19:39

You’re right sorry for being snippy. I just feel like shit, I always do all the work, it’s ridiculous because I thought it would never be like this. But I put a smile on face and hope one day he will pull his finger out, or realise he cares.

He’s about 30 minutes down the road from me currently, he could of even popped by today to say hello, drop medicine and food. Nothing

OP posts:
Roonilwazlib1 · 05/09/2021 19:39

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP, I just think that perhaps you've not put your situation across in the best way in your op.

It seems to me that the crux of the matter is that you do all the parenting on your own while he's away, he comes home a maximum of twice a week but often not that often, and when you're not well (sounds more than a cold to me) he's not bothered about coming home to help and instead if off having fun.

You've said you've had to have recent discussions about not feeling appreciated, does he do his fair share when he's at home or is he more of a fun dad that just does the good bits? Sounds to me like it all falls to you which I don't think is very fair.

Is there anything you can do to alter your situation? It doesn't sound too fun to me.

PumpkinPatch21 · 05/09/2021 19:40

YABU you should of told him how you felt.

PlanDeRaccordement · 05/09/2021 19:41

Yes I agree setting imaginary tests is never good but there’s been so many times I’ve expressed he needs to do more.

This is a communication issue. You can’t just blanket tell a partner “do more” or “I feel unappreciated and not cared for” and then expect them to suddenly be able to read your mind and know what specifically you want as the days go by. You need to ask for what you want. Otherwise the other person is set up to fail you and disappoint you.

Georgyporky · 05/09/2021 19:41

"our baby has eaten nothing but snacks and yoghurts all day."

Hmmm

Sadiecow · 05/09/2021 19:41

@Blahblsg do you live together?

MintMatchmaker · 05/09/2021 19:42

Going against the grain here but I think he shouldn't have needed to be told. If I was away from home and I knew my partner was at home unwell with a young baby then I would go home and help. Not because I was told to but just because it's the decent thing to do.

icedcoffees · 05/09/2021 19:42

You need to tell him how you feel and what you want from him.

But your toddler will be just fine with a day of snacks, toast and yoghurt. You really don't need to cook them dinner every night.

I hope you feel better soon though, colds can be horrific.

seaandsandcastles · 05/09/2021 19:43

He’s about 30 minutes down the road from me currently, he could of even popped by today to say hello, drop medicine and food. Nothing

So why didn’t you ask? He did nothing because you asked for nothing.

TSSDNCOP · 05/09/2021 19:44

Well, it would've been the decent thing to have come home.

You did not use your words well enough though. If, like me, you are usually the tough it out type today would have been the day to say "I cannot manage, please come home".

Get well soon OP.

NoYOUbekind · 05/09/2021 19:44

Well I'm so much on the fence from this I'm picking splinters from my bum!

On the one hand: it sounds like you don't ask for what you need, you just expect him to intuit it? You told him you'd make do with what you have in, I would have said 'I can't make it to the shops, I need you to sort some shopping out for the baby'

On the other hand, he sounds like a part-time dad who swans in when he wants and you do all the childcare, all the work and all the relationshiping too... He's seeing his kid less than he would if you'd split up, when you think about it...

Original poster
Blahblsg · 05/09/2021 19:45

He is just a fun dad. I know single parents and people who feel far worse than me just get on with it. The difference is I don’t really have to.

I think this is the straw that broke the camels back, I do it all. I try so hard to make sure we have family time, date nights, time alone. It just feels like he puts very little effort it. This was just a time to me he could of shown he cared

OP posts:
TSSDNCOP · 05/09/2021 19:45

@NoYOUbekind you said it much better, I seem to have gone for the shit sandwich response due to my splinters.

forinborin · 05/09/2021 19:46

@MintMatchmaker

Going against the grain here but I think he shouldn't have needed to be told. If I was away from home and I knew my partner was at home unwell with a young baby then I would go home and help. Not because I was told to but just because it's the decent thing to do.
I am with you here. I find it a bit weird that a grown man, a father and a partner needs to be explicitly told to prioritise his family over fun times.
Original poster
Blahblsg · 05/09/2021 19:47

He also went to this event last month. It’s not like he never gets time to do anything. Like I said I wouldn’t need to be told I would be there.

OP posts:
AudreyTattoo · 05/09/2021 19:48

As others have said, he probably didn't know as you didn't tell him. I've done a lot of childcare while really sick, as I was a SAHM with zero help other than DH who had to work. It is SHIT. You have my sympathy. And he wasn't at work, so it does seem as if he could have stayed with you. But you obviously needed to tell him that's what you wanted.

Actually, on one occasion DH did have to come home to help me, but that was when I had an awful tummy bug and couldn't do anything.

oakleaffy · 05/09/2021 19:50

Why on earth should he come home, if it’s only a cold ?
What could he do?
If it was you being laid low with Norovirus or Covid I’d understand, but a simple cold?
No way.

PlanDeRaccordement · 05/09/2021 19:51

@Blahblsg

He also went to this event last month. It’s not like he never gets time to do anything. Like I said I wouldn’t need to be told I would be there.
You would go even if he said he could manage with what he has despite having a cold? I doubt that. The things you’ve actually said to him are the complete opposite of what you’ve written here about how you feel.
santaslittlehohoho · 05/09/2021 19:52

Meh, if you're well enough to be on Mumsnet messaging back and forth then it probably is just a cold and nothing major? Snacks won't hurt a child for a day, just perhaps stock your freezer in case this happens again.

If you didn't ask him to come back then yes YABU. He isn't psychic, and if all your messages are saying "we'll do" etc why would he think you need him to come back? I wouldn't be rushing home to my DP for a cold!

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