To think he should come home when I’m sick

[Blahblsg]

My boyfriend and I have a 18 month old. He works away and usually comes home twice a week. Our baby has been sick and passed it on to me, i knew he had tickets to an event today with his best friends. It’s a bad cold but I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus, not Covid. Obviously the day is done now but he still went to this event.

I didn’t want to ask him to come home but rather see if he would. He’s text me from the event telling me to stay strong. I honestly feel like he doesn’t care at all, our baby has eaten nothing but snacks and yoghurts all day.

I don’t begrudge him going out and he went to one of these events last month.

I feel like if I bring it up, he will just accuse me of saying he can’t have a life. Or some other nonsense. Our baby does not sleep through still.

I don’t know what to do really. It doesn’t matter what I say I will be the bad guy, it’s exhausting. I’ve been trying because I wanted us to go back to the good place. He’s been telling me he’s trying so hard. I just don’t see it.

I can understand when a relationship comes to a point where you want evidence for yourself to see where you stand. So when the person responds to something, you are assessing their response.

You know how you feel about this relationship @Blahblsg , and that's all you need.

Maybe spell it out for him one more time how you feel, that he can't take you for granted etc.

Then end the relationship if he doesn't up his game.

If you want him to come home then tell him. It's not even a man/woman difference, its just people in general differ, lots of upset and disappointment arises when people are annoyed that someone doesn't react to something the way that they would, or the way that they want them to. Of course he should have thought you needed his support, but if the shoe was on the other foot he perhaps wouldn't be bothered. Just communicate how you actually feel, its different if then you aren't on the same page or whatever, but it is annoying having an argument about something someone hasn't actually mentioned or asked.

I'll sound like a Covid bore, but when you said you've done a test and it was negative, do you mean you've done a lateral flow test, or have you done a PCR test? If you haven't done a PCR test I'd do one, the lateral flow tests are only for those without symptoms because they're not that reliable.

But onto the point of your post, it sounds like you have an issue with a lack of support. If you only have your boyfriend, and he only comes home to help twice a week, are you getting ill (presuming it's not Covid), because you're run down and knackered? Are you trying to do everything at home on your own? Can you get any support from anyone else, or if your boyfriend won't/can't help, could he at least do something like pay for a cleaner?

YANBU in my opinion. Yes most colds are 'just' a cold and you can carry on but every so often most people get a stinker- fever, chills, awful headache, no energy at all etc. I had one a few years ago and I had to take time off work and stay in bed.
So if you dont have the energy to cook for your child, you told him you were too ill to pop to the shops, he knew it was worse than 'just a cold' and he went out anyway, with a 'be strong' and hasnt popped back to help at all, despite being away all week.

Most patents and good partners, if they're away all week, want to try and do more than their share when they're home to compensate, not less, and that's without their partner being ill. Honestly if I knew my husband was feeling shit and looking after the kids I just wouldn't go out, I actually couldn't enjoy myself. I wouldnt wait for him to ask, I'd offer, because I'm not a selfish shit

YANBU for the most part. You should have asked him outright not expected him to know.
Can you get a food shop delivered and tell him he can pay for it? Or get some food delivered? A "healthy" takeaway?
Can any friends or family help you?

He sounds like an arse @Blahblsg

Maybe this is the straw that breaks the camel's back, eh?

My ex did that
Went away for a hobby related thing
I called and said ‘ I’m ill please come back’. He said no And stayed where he was ( 90 min drive so not impossible)

Note that he is very much an ex.

I wouldn't come home and if the boot was on the other foot I wouldn't expect them to come home .

He doesn’t sound like a great support, probably because he’s just a boyfriend you see a couple of times a week. Maybe best to stop at just the one baby with him...

@Blahblsg

I took a test yesterday and it was negative. Maybe I should take another one..

I think I’m exhausted and this just topped it off. Sometimes he doesn’t come home twice a week. If he has events like this it may be one day. When he’s sick he comes home and expects to be looked after.

He visits twice a week and sometimes doesn’t come twice a week. It sounds like he doesn’t think of it as home. It’s somewhere he visits that he can drop if he needs to. This is the crux of the issue.

@MintMatchmaker

Going against the grain here but I think he shouldn't have needed to be told. If I was away from home and I knew my partner was at home unwell with a young baby then I would go home and help. Not because I was told to but just because it's the decent thing to do.

Too right. Can't believe how harsh people are being on the OP. This guy sounds like a massively lax uncaring parent. Why does he only stop by twice a week OP? Deciding to go to a day rave rather than go look after your sick partner and young baby is just really shitty behaviour. She shouldn't have to ask him! And clearly she has expressed many times previously that she doesn't feel he steps up enough. Sounds like you need to be more direct OP and say if you don't start actually showing up and taking your fair share of the parenting then we should split. I hope he is paying his fair share at least?

@PlanDeRaccordement

I didn’t want to ask him to come home but rather see if he would.

No one is a mind reader. He probably thinks you only have a sniffle but are otherwise well enough to not need him. If you need/want him to cancel plans and come home, you should ask.

This. With bells on.

Why have most people voted YABU 😱😱.

YANBU OP, I’m so sorry you are not well. Your partner sounds like a selfish arse. If he is only home 2 nights a week, he could at least come home when you are sick.

Are you sure you have a relationship? It sounds very odd that he usually comes "home" twice a week... so not always??? Does he have another relationship on the go somewhere else. I'm sorry to say it certainly doesn't sound as though he's the slightest bit interested in you.

So we split up after the baby was born. I had PND it was a lot. He moved nearer his work and we decided to slowly make a go of it. He’s kept his place because I’m not quite ready to move him in. I know it unusual but he works stays at home then on his days off or the night before he will come around.

He doesn’t drive so it’s a lot of travelling back and forth if he stayed here more. I have told him it feels like he’s not invested in this but he insists he is. But his actions show something completely diffeeent. He insists he’s trying his hardest then I feel bad for even saying anything. It is ridiculous.

He is not a mind reader so if you told him that you have a cold, not much food, can't go shopping but you will manage with what you have, he probably thought "they'll be fine, I will go to my rave and see her/them whenever".

... however, he is the father of your baby, you are in theory together and you see him once or twice/week and he lives only 30 minutes away???? And he doesn't seem to care much about you, the baby, how you guys are doing, and "having a life" seems more important? Oh well, I'd probably decide to be on my own than have a boyfriend like this, as I am pretty much a single parent anyway. So yes, even though " in theory " you should have explicitly told him that you are feeling too unwell to manage on your own today, YANBU to consider this "the straw that broke the camel's back" and have a serious thought whether you want to stay in a relationship with him. I probably would decide that this is it.

If it were just you, I could see reacting to the other posters.

But he is your child's father. He doesn't need to be told specifically that he needs to prioritize his kid over some sort of monthly event. Frankly, if you're together and he only sees the baby a couple times a week, I think he's a selfish fuck for going to the event in the first place.

If I didn't go to help out my partner when he was feeling ill, that would be fine if a bit self-centered. But if I didn't take care of my kid and instead went to entertain myself, particularly when my partner was struggling? That would make me an arsehole of the highest order. It certainly wouldn't make me a partner.

The fact of the matter is, it sounds like you're a single parent right now. Frankly, I'd leave him, work out proper visitation, and have a couple days a week when he has the baby.

Ah. I cross-posted with you--didn't realize your relationship was so amorphous. But it doesn't sound like good parenting in either case.

Have read your update, OP. If this is the hardest he can try, to me it wouldn't be "hard enough" so again, I'd consider myself a single parent and stop relying on him at all. As he simply is someone I cannot rely on and I don't need a partner I cannot rely on.

I know it's hard when you're not well but you need to feed your child. Even a sandwich or toast or order something. If you wanted him home, you should have asked him.

Obviously my child wasn’t starved. He’s at such a picky stage I didn’t have the energy to battle for him to eat. I just gave him things I knew he would eat, baby crisps, cheese yoghurts, raisins bananas, smoothies. Wasn’t the best but best I could do

You haven't givdn your child a proper meal because you have a cold??

I think people are being harsh op. I had a terrible cold a few months ago. First time I've been ill since covid (it wasn't covid). I felt absolute shit, it led to a bad sinus infection and I was ill for 2 weeks and it was at the school holidays and I really struggled. Dp was at work as usual but I would be mortified if he decided to bugger off socialising. Mine are a little older and can fend for themselves somewhat ie no nappy changes, can make a drink and get food out the fridge. But it was still awful.

I'm usually a carry on as normal type person but it can knock me for six sometimes.

Dp has come home from work before when I had nori (caught from kids who had it a few days before!) they were younger then and I just couldn't manage running to and from the toilet both ends (sorry tmi).

Everyone is saying well what if you were a single parent? I've been a single parent when my eldest was small, I know it's bleddy hard. But you are not a single parent and you will be spending the next week alone so he should have came home. So YANBU.

You could have asked but then if you said you were feeling poorly he would have known t surely?!

I mean if your partner caught it, I doubt he'll be running around after your child either.

Also, there is nothing wrong with your child eating snacks etc when you are sick. I had an op recently and again Dp was at work. Mine lived on super noddles, lunchables etc for lunch until Dp came home to cook main meal. I had no energy.

I hope you feel better soon and your little one. ! Don't feel guilty if they just eat snacks and watch tv all day. It happens! 💕

@MintMatchmaker

Going against the grain here but I think he shouldn't have needed to be told. If I was away from home and I knew my partner was at home unwell with a young baby then I would go home and help. Not because I was told to but just because it's the decent thing to do.

I agree.

And one of the benefits of being in a relationship is being able to lean on your partner when you need to. You shouldn’t have to manage like a lone parent.