Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should come home when I’m sick

192 replies

Blahblsg · 05/09/2021 19:15

My boyfriend and I have a 18 month old. He works away and usually comes home twice a week. Our baby has been sick and passed it on to me, i knew he had tickets to an event today with his best friends. It’s a bad cold but I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus, not Covid. Obviously the day is done now but he still went to this event.

I didn’t want to ask him to come home but rather see if he would. He’s text me from the event telling me to stay strong. I honestly feel like he doesn’t care at all, our baby has eaten nothing but snacks and yoghurts all day.

I don’t begrudge him going out and he went to one of these events last month.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 05/09/2021 21:09

(Trying to work out what kind of partner/dad of a toddler would rather spend his Sunday at an all day rave than with his family?
Kidult. )

Bizawit · 05/09/2021 21:09

Omg all you judgy people about the food. Do any of you have/ remember what it’s like to have a baby/ toddler? Give over 🙄🙄

basilfawltytowers · 05/09/2021 21:15

People of being horrible to you OP. Completely uncalled for. It sounds like you are chronically sleep deprived, exhausted, unwell, and with a partner who is rarely around, and when he is expects you to look after him rather than stepping up to give you a break. 'Just a cold' can turn into a chest infection, and then pneumonia if you are so sleep deprived and run down your immune system crashes. I've been there and it wasn't fun.
Look after yourself. Get some rest even if that means Cbeebies and snack food while you lie on the sofa. Do not listen to sanctimonious vipers insisting you should be a cross between Mary Poppins and Annabel Karmel every day of the week. Your health matters. As a very wise doctor once sad to me, you need to look after yourself to look after your child. Flowers

takehomepay · 05/09/2021 21:17

He sounds like a useless twat.’Get well’? ‘Stay strong’? He sounds like an acquaintance.

He could have offered to sort a food delivery for you.

You say this broke the camel’s back - you’re not happy, OP, don’t put up with him for the sake of it. Put yourself and baby first and leave the fucker.

ejhhhhh · 05/09/2021 21:18

Why is everyone insisting this is just a cold so she should crack on as normal? Cole's can hit really hard, almost as hard a flu. Cold symptoms most definitely aren't all the same every time, or the same in everyone. If you've never had a cold that's completely floored you, you've been lucky. It sounds like the OP is sleep deprived, so the symptoms are likely worse.

Doifollowrule · 05/09/2021 21:21

I have those symptoms, did a test two days in a row and it was negative, then another today and it's positive.

Jemand · 05/09/2021 21:33

Did he know you couldn't look after the baby?

ikeepseeingit · 05/09/2021 21:39

Hope you're okay OP. I'm not sure why no one on here seems to understand that a cold is an infection that can go terribly wrong, and that a lot of 'colds' are viruses or cases of flu that people have mislabeled! It sounds like you have flu, in any case. I'm glad you're getting another test soon because it might well be covid.

Your partner sounds truly shit. Not just because of this incident, the surrounding context really adds an extra layer of salt to the wound. If your partner can't look after you when you're sick, I question if they truly love you, they're clearly not capable of showing it. What good is it staying with a person who doesn't care when you're ill? Long term, it's just not going to be enough. You deserve more, and I'm angry that other women have decided that a rave is more important than a man looking after his family on this thread. We should all expect better.

MrsMaizel · 05/09/2021 21:40

I've been at the receiving end of this and it is shit - " you should have known " . Just tell him if you need him home .

pelosi · 05/09/2021 21:43

@MrsMaizel

I've been at the receiving end of this and it is shit - " you should have known " . Just tell him if you need him home .
Sounds like he wouldn't have come home anyway. OP says 'It doesn’t matter what I say I will be the bad guy, it’s exhausting.'
ElizaDarcysDeeds · 05/09/2021 21:44

tbh your OP said he works away and then comes home to you and the baby. But it sounds as though he lives separately and just pops in when he has time. He's not acting as though he thinks his priority is you and the DC.

glasgowLil · 05/09/2021 21:50

Op - don’t have much advice but some people have been very mean on here. Looking after a toddler when you are ill is awful. Just do what you have to do to get through each day. Hugs, hope you feel better soon.xx

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/09/2021 21:51

I don’t begrudge him going out

I didn’t want to ask him to come home but rather see if he would

Stop talking in riddles for a start. If you're sick and need him to come home to look after your child, you tell him. You don't ask. Or hint. Or wonder if he 'might do'.

Then you don't get to resent when he thinks you\re probably managing fine by yourself because you haven't asked for help. And you've just got a cold. If not, test for COVID.

ejhhhhh · 05/09/2021 21:52

You say your boyfriend went to another one of these events last month, so even without you being sick I think that's unreasonable. He's only with you twice a week but seems to think going to his 2nd all day rave in as many months is acceptable? And when his girlfriend is sick, you have got to be kidding me, why are so many posters just fine with this!? Do you get many days off OP? If you don't, you'd probably find you were less exhausted if you were sharing custody somehow. He sounds like a selfish p who hasn't woken up to deal when you have children. Don't worry about "restricting his freedom", that ship has sailed, it happened the day he had a child. If his reaction to that is negative, like it's your fault rather than the fact he's now a father, AND he's not willing to let you enjoy the same freedom by taking your child for a day on his own just as much, he's not actually a partner worth having. Maybe you should insist he does his fair share via an access arrangement instead.

FreakinFrankNFurter · 05/09/2021 21:54

He is not a mind reader so if you told him that you have a cold, not much food, can't go shopping but you will manage with what you have, he probably thought "they'll be fine, I will go to my rave and see her/them whenever".

He may not be a mind reader but perhaps if he was a thoughtful partner and decent person he would at least have asked if she needed anything or if she needed him to come home. That's what i would do for a friend who was at home feeling poorly with a baby, never mind a partner

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 05/09/2021 22:00

It’s jut a cold, you take a lemsip and eat food from a tin and feel sorry for yourself, like we all do

Not a big deal

So, you turned it into a test for your DH, which he “failed”, where do you go from there?

TheReluctantPhoenix · 05/09/2021 22:01

MN is a harsh place these days.

It is dreadful to feel ill and have to look after a small child.

As to how single parents cope, some have parents, some have friends and some don’t cope.

What the OP has sounds far worse than a cold to me. A cold is sore throat, sore and blocked up nose and feeling gritty, not fever , aching all over etc.

I would say that any decent parent would not go out raving when their partner and child are ill.

Sydendad · 05/09/2021 22:02

Wow. It sounds like you don't really have a relationship. If he really cared and loved you both he wouldn't be dream of going to a rave on one of the two days he's off without asking if your ok with that. To me it sounds like you need to dump him. I think you are better of alone. Because what's happening now is that you are putting expectations on him and giving yourself false hope over and over again. And him being a juvenile prick who hasn't grown up yet and probably never will is disappointing you over and over again. Imagine your life without the broken hope over and over again. So peaceful. Close your eyes for a moment. Imagine yourself without him. Just you and your child, no need to worry about wether some plonker is going to help you or not or going to show up. No anger, no disappointment, no resentment. Breath in and breath out. Now open your eyes and DUMP HIM!

Plumtree391 · 05/09/2021 22:03

@cardibach

It’s a cold. However bad, it’s just a cold. There’s no reason to not have fed your child (or yourself) properly. How on Earth do you think single parents manage? If you were really ill I would have some sympathy with your point of view - like if you had to be in hospital.
There are colds and colds; sometimes when a cold is really bad, you're not only bunged up but headachey, hot and cold. It will probably be much better by tomorrow but today, the op's is not.

I hope you are keeping your fluid levels up, op. Get well soon.

Heinz tomato soup is good for colds and a hot toddy at bed time.

How young do you have to be to go to a day rave?

ElizaDarcysDeeds · 05/09/2021 22:08

How low some people's standards are! yy a man can only miss a rave and look after his child, if his partner is in hospital. Jeez, I take it the MRAs have found MN again Hmm

Saoirse82 · 05/09/2021 22:09

@seaandsandcastles

He’s about 30 minutes down the road from me currently, he could of even popped by today to say hello, drop medicine and food. Nothing

So why didn’t you ask? He did nothing because you asked for nothing.

You don't need to be a mind reader to have a but of empathy for your partner. He knows she's sick, my DH wouldn't have gone in tbe first place and even if he had he'd make sure he'd got shopping in and any medicine etc, same as I'd do for him. You know, when you love and care for someone? Confused OP, if you've only done a lateral flow I'd recommend a PCR. And for those saying it's just a cold, you can have a bad cold and feel absolutely rough and lethargic, I've been almost bed bound for a week, I've had a negative LFT but have booked a PCR because I feel especially rough. Hope you're feeling better soon OP!
idontlikealdi · 05/09/2021 22:11

Why does he stay away when he's only 30 minutes away?

ElizaDarcysDeeds · 05/09/2021 22:11

Actually, I've worked out who he reminds me of - the useless dad in Motherland. Sending platitudes whilst out with his mates, whilst his partner struggles to do everything for their child/ren.

Sydendad · 05/09/2021 22:11

However you are being unfair both to yourself and to your boyfriend.
You need to stop and think about wether you really want the type of relationship you are having at the moment. And if the answer is no, then you need to be honest to both of you and clearly say this out loud: I don't want to live like this and this is not the type of relationship I want. Then either your boyfriend agrees to change the relationship or he doesn't. And either you stay together or you don't.

Ourlady · 05/09/2021 22:16

I'm sorry OP he sounds like a selfish shit.
He obviously likes living the single life and doesn't seem to really care about you and your little one.
You might as well tell him it's over as he brings nothing to the table. It wouldn't make much difference if you were single.