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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think he should come home when I’m sick

192 replies

Blahblsg · 05/09/2021 19:15

My boyfriend and I have a 18 month old. He works away and usually comes home twice a week. Our baby has been sick and passed it on to me, i knew he had tickets to an event today with his best friends. It’s a bad cold but I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus, not Covid. Obviously the day is done now but he still went to this event.

I didn’t want to ask him to come home but rather see if he would. He’s text me from the event telling me to stay strong. I honestly feel like he doesn’t care at all, our baby has eaten nothing but snacks and yoghurts all day.

I don’t begrudge him going out and he went to one of these events last month.

OP posts:
Greenmarmalade · 05/09/2021 19:53

He should come home!! He should offer. I completely get you, OP.

You’re doing all the parenting and all the work. He doesn’t care for you. He’s not appreciative.

After being a single mum, you know it SHOULD be easier with 2 of you (i am in the same situation, with a partner after being a single parent) but it really isn’t.

I’d honestly split up with him if he expects you to do everything and doesn’t care for you.

forinborin · 05/09/2021 19:55

What could he do?
Take over the baby care / bath / bed time?
Make OP a cup of tea / lemsip / bring a hot water bottle?
Make dinner / do the usual evening chores?
Let her climb under a duvet with Netflix?

That's what I do for (single parent) friends when they are unwell and need a bit of care, never mind a partner.

Chikapu · 05/09/2021 19:57

He's living like he's single and you are very low on his list of priorities. He's a fun dad, does that mean he doesn't do anything for your child either?
What is he actually adding to your life OP?

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 05/09/2021 19:57

I felt like that once but it was flu. When DH got home from work I had to ask him to make jellies for DD's party the next day because I was falling asleep in the chair.

Greenmarmalade · 05/09/2021 19:57

And for a parent who works away all week, if takes the piss to then go out for a full day when she’s exhausted and unwell. No way is this ok!

Badgergirl123 · 05/09/2021 19:59

OP, it can be so harsh in here. For lots of emotional reasons people can find it hard to ask for the things they need from those around them. I would be massively pissed off if DH did this and vice versa. If one of us is sick and the other can pick up the slack, we do. If it meant missing a social event so be it. Childcare when ill is the absolute pits Flowers

Original poster
Blahblsg · 05/09/2021 19:59

Even if he brought some lemsip over and watched baby before he went out. That would of been something

Its not just the sniffles. I just meant we’ll do with what food we have in the house. Toddler just ate snacks because I didn’t have the energy to battle.

Like I said I’ve just realised he just doesn’t care, as long as he gets his life, and can pop in and play families. Any real family needs he’s just not there. It doesn’t matter how much I “ do it all”

OP posts:
HoboSexualOnslow · 05/09/2021 20:00

He should have asked if you needed him to come home. Surely that's normal for partners

Greenmarmalade · 05/09/2021 20:01

He’s a shit partner. I’d split up, no question about it.

What’s the point of him as a partner and co-parent?

Greenmarmalade · 05/09/2021 20:01

Would he ever look after the baby if he was ill? NO!

BikeRunSki · 05/09/2021 20:02

I don’t begrudge him going out and he went to one of these events last month

It rather sounds like you do.

IME men largely don’t have the same instincts/emotional intelligence/call it what you will as women. They don’t know what you want them to do without being told. The good ones are the ones that do it without grumbling.

When DH is ill he doesn’t really want to see anyone. It wouldn’t cross his kind that other people might.

MeredithGreyishblue · 05/09/2021 20:02

@Blahblsg

Even if he brought some lemsip over and watched baby before he went out. That would of been something

Its not just the sniffles. I just meant we’ll do with what food we have in the house. Toddler just ate snacks because I didn’t have the energy to battle.

Like I said I’ve just realised he just doesn’t care, as long as he gets his life, and can pop in and play families. Any real family needs he’s just not there. It doesn’t matter how much I “ do it all”

And you're exhausted. I think you're right, it's the straw that's broken the camel's back.

Even if you are feeling sorry for yourself, if you feel unappreciated and taken for granted, it will be really difficult. And a bit shit, really

You need to address it, OP.

Queryquestion · 05/09/2021 20:03

He should have come home. That is not the behaviour of a caring husband.

Original poster
Blahblsg · 05/09/2021 20:05

He most definitely would not look after the baby if he was ill. When he was ill last time he came here to be looked after despite me working from home. I still did it.

It’s so hard because we went through such a shit patch when the baby was born. I thought we were getting to a better

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 05/09/2021 20:07

Presumably he puts in effort though working for you all though.

If you needed him to stay home or get shopping then just say. If it’s just a cold and you could have booked an online shop then him not cancelling a paid for event isn’t a big deal.

shinynewapple21 · 05/09/2021 20:08

I don't think you were unreasonable in wanting your boyfriend to come home to help care for your son when you were unwell, but you really should have asked him outright .

It sounds to me that your relationship isn't very equal with you having the full time care of your son whilst your partner works away and then goes out with his mates on his day off .

If you are feeling a lot worse than you would expect for a normal cold you may want to do another Covid test, or a PCR if it was LFT .

Are you able to do an online shop or do you have someone who can fetch some shopping for you ?

VexedofVirginiaWater · 05/09/2021 20:08

TBH the "stay strong" would annoy me, never mind anything else - and the fact that when he's ill he comes home and wants to be looked after. Fuck that shit.

Sadiecow · 05/09/2021 20:09

@Blahblsg

He most definitely would not look after the baby if he was ill. When he was ill last time he came here to be looked after despite me working from home. I still did it.

It’s so hard because we went through such a shit patch when the baby was born. I thought we were getting to a better

You don't live together do you?

He sees you and your DC as a part time project!

godmum56 · 05/09/2021 20:09

@PlanDeRaccordement

I didn’t want to ask him to come home but rather see if he would.

No one is a mind reader. He probably thinks you only have a sniffle but are otherwise well enough to not need him. If you need/want him to cancel plans and come home, you should ask.

"not love quoth he but vanity sets love a task like that"
HawksAreRed · 05/09/2021 20:10

How do you think single parents cope?

But she's not a single parent! It's hardly a big ask to expect your partner to come home and parent his child, rather than going to a party. She doesn't feel well and expects her partner to give a shit. YANBU OP

Lonelylooloo · 05/09/2021 20:12

I have a 17 month old and a 3 month old and you best believe I’d be filing for divorce if my DH didn’t come home if I was super sick and spent the day at some event instead.

The thing is, tabled turned, it wouldn’t even occur to me not to go home and help so it’s not wrong to expect the same from my DH.

Original poster
Blahblsg · 05/09/2021 20:12

I’m hoping tomorrow I feel a lot better, ive booked a test at a centre just in case. My friend offered to get some bits in for me tomorrow so there’s that. I’ve been a single parent before and relied on other people. I should not have to do this now. God he’s an arse

OP posts:
Wheelerdeeler · 05/09/2021 20:12

Get rid op. At least then you will get a break when it's his days with the child.

forinborin · 05/09/2021 20:13

He sees you and your DC as a part time project!
Not even a project. A hobby. Strictly voluntary.
OP, saying LTB immediately would probably be too harsh, but maybe it is time to stop and take stock. You already see that your emotional investment is not being reciprocated. What now?

Zombiemum1946 · 05/09/2021 20:13

Yanbu, but you should have told him you needed help. I had a similar issue with my dh when both my kids were little. It took a while to resolve but you need to sort it soon. My dh needed to understand he was also a parent and I'm only human.