To think he should come home when I’m sick

[Blahblsg]

My boyfriend and I have a 18 month old. He works away and usually comes home twice a week. Our baby has been sick and passed it on to me, i knew he had tickets to an event today with his best friends. It’s a bad cold but I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus, not Covid. Obviously the day is done now but he still went to this event.

I didn’t want to ask him to come home but rather see if he would. He’s text me from the event telling me to stay strong. I honestly feel like he doesn’t care at all, our baby has eaten nothing but snacks and yoghurts all day.

I don’t begrudge him going out and he went to one of these events last month.

It sounds like Covid, the delta variant has severe cold symptoms. Glad you booked a test. You should have told him how ill you were.

He turns up TO BE LOOKED AFTER when he’s sick. When she’s sick he fucks off and leaves her to look after the baby.

But does he demand that OP change plans she's made with her friends to stay home and look after him? Or better yet, does he not ask her to look after him, and then carry on about OP must not really love him because she failed to read his mind? Or for the trifecta, does he think "I'm too sick to care for my child. OP could help if she were here," then immediately follow that up with "But I'm not going to ask her to come help, because I want to test her. Making her jump through hoops to prove her commitment is much more important than ensuring my child is cared for"?

If a man did any of that, he'd be called everything from a spoiled manchild to a manipulative narcissist to a controlling abuser. And much of it would be true.

She's not doing him some kind of tremendous favor by taking care of "his" baby. It's her baby, too. And she doesn't mention having a job, so I'm not sure why everyone thinks he should be doing more when he's working full-time and she's apparently not.

People shouldn’t be told to be decent people. OP did herself no favours with her first post but it’s clear from updates that she has communicated with him and he’s a bad partner

@Blahblsg

He asked me this morning if I had any plans, I said I was supposed to go food shopping, there’s no way I can, and said we’ll have to make do with what we have. He just said get well.

Order an online grocery delivery?

Ridiculously mean spirited is exactly the right way to describe some of the comments on here.

As a single parent I despise the answer 'what do you think single parents do?'. It's bloody hard as a single parent, even if it's 'just a cold' actually. Why on earth should that be used as a get-out for one half of a two parent family? Just bloody martyrdom.

Op has said further up that its HER choice her partner doesn't live with them. She has also said he doesn't drive and it's a lot of travelling for him to get to her.

Op, what do you want from him? You're giving out mixed signals. You told him you were ok and didn't need anything...i'm not sure what you want him to do? If you need his help ask for it, as far as he's concerned it's just a cold and you havent told him otherwise.
It's fine to let your child eat what he/she wants for one day if they are fed and happy, it isn't a big deal, it's one day. If he lived with you, could see you were really rough and still went out i'd say he was being inconsiderate, if he lived around the corner i'd probably say the same but he doesn't, by your choice, and if you dont tell him how bad you feel how is he to know?

Hope you're feeling better soon.

You should not expect your partner to come home unless you were in the hospital. It's just a cold and the bably won't starve with snacks and nursing for a day. You will be fine.

Seeing as he’s a bit useless and you don’t want to ask him to help I would:

Plan ahead for future sickness, making a list of easy foods, do online grocery shopping when you are ill.
Take vitamins/minerals to keep sickness away.
Never look after him again when he’s sick.

Why does it matter that single parents have to manage the childcare when they are sick? She isn't a single parent. You could apply that to any aspect of parenting - why should your boyfriend do any of the night wakings? If you were a single parent you'd have to do them all yourself etc. By this logic the baby's dad should be doing literally nothing because he could hypothetically not be in the picture.

OP, this all sounds very one-sided. Do you think he cares that you aren't feeling well? Or do you think he sent you that "stay strong" message because he thought it sounded good.

Under the circumstances you describe here, I would definitely expect my partner to have stepped up. He could have even still gone, but dropped by to bring/make food for you both, and that still might have been passable behaviour. It sounds like he does t give a shit.

In one of the posts the OP said she does work, and she looks their child the vast majority of the time. Even if she didn't work, and was looking after a toddler 24/7, that's still hard and the other parent should do something to help. So leave out the "he works full time so shouldn't have to lift a finger" bullshit.

Sounds like it would be better for you if you split up, and worse for him.
At the moment he pops in once or twice a week, plays with the baby, possibly sleeps with you, probably has his meals cooked by you and then leaves. He doesn't have to do any parenting as you are always there ready for him to pass the baby back over when he can't be arsed again.
Does he contribute to your child's food, clothes, activities, etc? Food shopping or bills if he sleeps there 2 nights a week?
Whereas you never get a break, do most if not all night wakings alone, all meal times, all bath times, and even when he is there to "help" he just leaves when he's finished. If you split he might actually have to look after the baby on his own (or might just fuck off and you'll never see him again because he sounds lazy and just likes the fun side of parenting and relationships).
Obviously I am only reading your side of the story, and while he is allowed a social life, it doesn't sound like he'd look after your child, alone, while ill, so you could go on a regular day rave trip with your friends.

You say you have a cold and will manage- he doesn't come home so you get annoyed.

You both separate when your son is born and he gets own place, you have decided you not ready for him to move back in- get annoyed that he doesn't come home and that he isn't making an effort

You told him you feel unwell but would manage - he messaged a few times saying get well- you are annoyed he hasn't come home but you didn't ask him too. He isn't a mind reader and he probably thought it was just a cold and that you had it under control.
All you had to do was message him saying 'Hi, woken up feeling rubbish. I know you out today but can you please call in on the way with some meds and food for (baby name) and I. It be much appreciated xx'

But instead you rather 'test' him and get annoyed at him failing a test that he had no idea he was taking.

Seems to me you resent him- you dislike fact that he has his own place and own social plans that don't involve you. You say you don't begrudge him going out but sounds you do.

To have a relationship where you can't just be honest and say come home and have to 'test' one another is unhealthy and immature.

Just be honest with him in future!

My husband is usually great.... but I learnt my lesson quickly when it comes to sickness and unfair expectations!
My husband and DD both got a sickness bug, I spent 24 hours cleaning up and generally just taking care of them while my DH spent the day laying on the sofa while I played housemaid! My husband had a very rare day off work as obviously he couldn't go in when he was being sick.
The next day (early hours) I started throwing up so it was obvious they had passed the bug on to me. My husband got up for work as normal and left. When I asked him how I would take care of DD (about 6 months old) while constantly throwing up and feeling generally shitty and he basically said I would just have to manage and he couldn't have a day off work when I was sick, as he was no longer sick!
That was the first and the last time I give him any slack if he feels unwell, as I know I get none in return. So if he's feeling shite he might get an hour extra in bed but otherwise he is up and hands on with the kids as normal. I think he probably regrets his decision now 🤣 luckily we are not a household that falls ill very often.

People telling op to just man up, it doesn't work like that. Post natal depression, relationship breakdown, sleep deprivation a sick toddler and a heavy cold on top. I suspect it was the straw that broke the camels back. The child was fed, snacks are often all sick kids will eat. My youngest would get 1 bug after another, If all she would eat were snacks then that was what she got, especially if it meant she kept it down. Snacks don't have to be unhealthy and op stated her baby is currently fussy. I sat and watched my toddler eat bacon dipped in mint sauce. I hadn't slept properly for 3 days and my dh was being a dick.i didn't have, and still don't have, external support. Family are either working full time or dead, everyone's circumstances are different.

It does very much sound like he gets the best of all worlds and you get the worst. He can choose the single life whenever he fancies, and choose to be a dad whenever he fancies. But he's not much of a partner.

With all your updates it really does sound as if you would be better on your own properly .

People are being horrible here. What's with all the shit about how single parents cope? The OP ISN'T a single parent. That's the point. And the competitive illness/martryrdom: ''I had a limb hanging off and I still fed my baby splendid and nutritious meals.'
The OP is obviously feeling like shit and the problems obviously go much deeper than this one post.
FFS lay off her.

He needs to step up, OP. And I hope you feel better soon.

@MrsMaizel

With all your updates it really does sound as if you would be better on your own properly .

Yes, I agree. This whole set up sounds awful for you op. He is getting only the good bits and zero responsibility.

I cannot believe some of the arseholes on here.

A woman is miserable, alone at home with a fussy toddler, sick and feeling alone and sad. And some of you want to stick the boot in about the child having perfectly normal snack food instead of Michelin starred gourmet for a couple of days. Meanwhile the kid's father can go to a rave FFS and he's fine and 'not a mind-reader'. Well the OP isn't a bloody single mum so stop having such low expectations of men and high ones of women.

At the very least stop sticking the boot in. It's makes you look like twats.

@MrsTerryPratchett

I cannot believe some of the arseholes on here.

A woman is miserable, alone at home with a fussy toddler, sick and feeling alone and sad. And some of you want to stick the boot in about the child having perfectly normal snack food instead of Michelin starred gourmet for a couple of days. Meanwhile the kid's father can go to a rave FFS and he's fine and 'not a mind-reader'. Well the OP isn't a bloody single mum so stop having such low expectations of men and high ones of women.

At the very least stop sticking the boot in. It's makes you look like twats.

Fully agree

Absolutely don't feel bad at all that when I've been poorly DS has had days of toast, cereal, pom bears, bread sticks and other quick and easy food- doesn't do any harm now and again.

• MrsTerryPratchett

I cannot believe some of the arseholes on here.

A woman is miserable, alone at home with a fussy toddler, sick and feeling alone and sad. And some of you want to stick the boot in about the child having perfectly normal snack food instead of Michelin starred gourmet for a couple of days. Meanwhile the kid's father can go to a rave FFS and he's fine and 'not a mind-reader'. Well the OP isn't a bloody single mum so stop having such low expectations of men and high ones of women.

At the very least stop sticking the boot in. It's makes you look like twats.*

YES!

OP YANBU

I was a single mum to twins for years. I now have high expectations of my partner- if I was ill and he did this I’d be deeply upset.

This thread is quite weird...there were some weirdly aggressive posts towards the op and now some weirdly aggressive posts back. Is everyone ok on here? Wonder how much anyone is actually thinking about the op here while they're screaming ARSEHOLES and FUCK OFF, YEAH at total strangers. Haven't seen a thread go this aggressive so quickly in a while

Hope you're on the mend op

Are you feeling any better now @Blahblsg ?