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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he should come home when I’m sick

192 replies

Blahblsg · 05/09/2021 19:15

My boyfriend and I have a 18 month old. He works away and usually comes home twice a week. Our baby has been sick and passed it on to me, i knew he had tickets to an event today with his best friends. It’s a bad cold but I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus, not Covid. Obviously the day is done now but he still went to this event.

I didn’t want to ask him to come home but rather see if he would. He’s text me from the event telling me to stay strong. I honestly feel like he doesn’t care at all, our baby has eaten nothing but snacks and yoghurts all day.

I don’t begrudge him going out and he went to one of these events last month.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 05/09/2021 22:18

Well he sounds uselss-what is the actual point of him

Hillary17 · 05/09/2021 22:30

YABU. He’s not a mind reader. Babies won’t starve, snacks and yogurts do the job when you’re sick. If you didn’t ask him not to go or come home - he’s done nothing wrong.

takehomepay · 05/09/2021 22:30

@Sydendad

However you are being unfair both to yourself and to your boyfriend. You need to stop and think about wether you really want the type of relationship you are having at the moment. And if the answer is no, then you need to be honest to both of you and clearly say this out loud: I don't want to live like this and this is not the type of relationship I want. Then either your boyfriend agrees to change the relationship or he doesn't. And either you stay together or you don't.
How is she being unfair to him?

She's being unfair to herself, yes, but not him.

Atalune · 05/09/2021 22:31

I thinkyou’d be better off without him.

Summerfun54321 · 05/09/2021 22:51

Honestly what is the point of him. At least if you broke up you might get some time to yourself when it’s his contact days.

Happylittlethoughts · 05/09/2021 22:57

Jesus wept, its a cold! Woman up!

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/09/2021 23:02

Can’t believe some of these replies.

What sort of dick chooses to spend Sunday at an all day rave rather than with, presumably, the people he loves when he already only sees them a couple of days each week.
What a knob.

Marshmallow91 · 05/09/2021 23:15

I must live on another planet.

People aren't mind readers but I'd like to think if you gave two fucks about someone whom you professed to love, you'd do everything you could to help when they were ill, or having a bad day, or even just because you felt they could do with time to relax.

If I feel unwell, sore etc (I have a chronic illness) I don't need to ask my partner to help do anything. He'll occupy our daughter, make sure her and the dog are fed and happy and get me whatever I need to help me get better.

I do the same for him. It's called a relationship.

Op, please get rid of this person. He brings less than nothing to your life.

Zombiemum1946 · 05/09/2021 23:15

Time to talk about a set routine for all of you ? By that I mean you agree that he definitely comes over on his day off to look after the baby, you either spend time together/ you take time for yourself, but he has to be with the baby. I realise you're taking things slowly but this adhoc arrangement is not helpful for any of you. This routine would prove helpful if the relationship ends and you've got a routine already in place for the baby. You have to be honest with him when you need his help, especially given you're dealing with pnd on top of essentially being a single parent.

Dandy0911 · 05/09/2021 23:17

I have a nearly 10 month old.
I've had a bastard cold for 3 days. Temp, cough and cold and feel like I've been hit by a bus.

DD is getting over her cold now.
(PCR Neg)

He went out to London to the day for a pub crawl and a football stadium tour with his dad and mates.

I would never ask him to come home! As horrid as it is, it's a cold. My daughter was fed ample food today. If you have no shopping in, that's not up to him to come home and do a food shop. Order a Deliveroo. Or make sure you have food in if he's not there for the day / weekend.

YABU.

We have colds and coughs and feel rough. But with kids you've just got to get on with it.

He should help out the next day if you feel shit and not nurse his hangover. But yeah? He's not psychic. YABU.

armanted · 05/09/2021 23:22

Dandy0911, presumably your DH/DP doesn't just visit twice a week, he'll probably be back tonight.

PurpleOkapi · 05/09/2021 23:47

YABU. You're not dying. Double YABU for expecting him to read your mind about what you want him to do. But both of those are just petty. There's a bigger problem here, and it's you. Here's why:

You'e said you believe your baby isn't being cared for properly, because you're too sick to do it. Ok, fine, I believe you. But then, knowing your baby isn't being cared for properly, you decided you'd rather play some twisted mind game than ensure the baby is cared for properly by telling him to come home. He may not be the world's best dad, but nothing he's done screams "unfit!" nearly so loudly as your priorities here, OP.

Bonus points because you're the one not allowing him to live there. If your refusal to live with him is the reason he has to "work away" and only come home on weekends, it's not reasonable to expect him to be at your beck and call whenever that arrangement becomes inconvenient for you. It's undoubtedly been inconvenient for him this entire time. It's also not reasonable to resent doing "all the work" when you're actively preventing him from being able to do most of it by not letting him live with the baby.

ginandnappies · 05/09/2021 23:51

Surely if you were that worried you couldn't look after your baby you would straight up ask him to come home?

I've been in a relationship before where he played weird mind games and it was awful. Please don't do that.

ohthatbloodycat · 05/09/2021 23:51

Hope you feel better soon, OP. That sounds rotten.
Thanks

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 06/09/2021 00:07

He's not a keeper is he?

Darbysmama · 06/09/2021 02:29

This isn’t the first time you and your child will be sick together, I assure you. Get used to it. And sometimes it’ll be all three of you. Again, get used to it. That’s just life. Sorry to be harsh but this is just the reality of the situation. You all live together. Illnesses get passed on. It’s not like you’ve just had surgery or are on your deathbed or having some horrible complication. It’s a bug. It happens.

As another poster said, what do you think single parents do? They suck it up. And you know what, as a parent I’m sure it doesn’t feel good to not be at full parenting capacity, but a day or so of phoning it in a bit on the mom front because you’re sick isn’t the end of the world. Some snacks and yogurt are fine if that’s all you can manage. It’s not like you’re feeding the baby arsenic or letting it starve, for crying out loud.

Moreover, your relationship approach troubles me. Testing him “to see what he’d do” is high school level relationship behavior. I have always, always said you cannot expect someone to meet your needs unless you are willing to make your needs known. You didn’t. That is on you, woman. Only you.

And I keep reading you say “if he were sick I would do x y and z.” Woman, he is NOT you. You cannot expect him to react a certain way just because that’s what you would do. People show appreciation in all sorts of ways and what is showing appreciation for you might not be his version of showing appreciation. And that’s fine. But you’re not making your needs known. And you’re saying vague things like “do more” and putting him through little tests. Be concrete. Give examples. Make a list. Ask for certain things. You’re putting the onerous on him to guess what you need and that’s very unreasonable.

Personally, I wouldn’t have cared if he went out. Me? I hate to be doted on when I’m sick. I’d rather just be left alone mostly. The times I’ve been sick, I’ve sent him a text and simply said “can you do x y or z for me please (make some chicken broth with egg whites, take out the dog to potty, etc.).” He’s never once not done it or complained about it at all. And on days he’s had to work when I’m sick he’s made something to eat and put it in containers for me in the fridge so it’s easy to heat up and right there in the front, set some gatorades by the bed so I’d stay hydrated, etc. Why didn’t you do this with him? You could have asked him to get a few things in order to make it a bit easier before he went out. Then you would have been set up, felt more take care of, better able to take care of the baby too, and he could have enjoyed his plans. Totally reasonable solution. He checked in to see how you were doing, so he obviously cares. But the communication here is very lacking and the expectations seem out of whack too.

I think you’re sick, feeling low, and just letting your mind run away with you, to be honest. When we’re sick we don’t always think rationally and I think the guilt of not being at 100% mom capacity is also weighing on you. I hope you feel better soon, and please just talk to him. You’ll sort it out.

timeisnotaline · 06/09/2021 02:47

He’s not invested in any way. It must be the pits being a single parent when you’re actually in a relationship with your baby’s father. It would feel better to be an actual single parent- then you’re not being let down all the time. Yes you could say more clearly you need help but it sounds like he’s not going to give it to you anyway.

timeisnotaline · 06/09/2021 02:50

@Darbysmama

This isn’t the first time you and your child will be sick together, I assure you. Get used to it. And sometimes it’ll be all three of you. Again, get used to it. That’s just life. Sorry to be harsh but this is just the reality of the situation. You all live together. Illnesses get passed on. It’s not like you’ve just had surgery or are on your deathbed or having some horrible complication. It’s a bug. It happens.

As another poster said, what do you think single parents do? They suck it up. And you know what, as a parent I’m sure it doesn’t feel good to not be at full parenting capacity, but a day or so of phoning it in a bit on the mom front because you’re sick isn’t the end of the world. Some snacks and yogurt are fine if that’s all you can manage. It’s not like you’re feeding the baby arsenic or letting it starve, for crying out loud.

Moreover, your relationship approach troubles me. Testing him “to see what he’d do” is high school level relationship behavior. I have always, always said you cannot expect someone to meet your needs unless you are willing to make your needs known. You didn’t. That is on you, woman. Only you.

And I keep reading you say “if he were sick I would do x y and z.” Woman, he is NOT you. You cannot expect him to react a certain way just because that’s what you would do. People show appreciation in all sorts of ways and what is showing appreciation for you might not be his version of showing appreciation. And that’s fine. But you’re not making your needs known. And you’re saying vague things like “do more” and putting him through little tests. Be concrete. Give examples. Make a list. Ask for certain things. You’re putting the onerous on him to guess what you need and that’s very unreasonable.

Personally, I wouldn’t have cared if he went out. Me? I hate to be doted on when I’m sick. I’d rather just be left alone mostly. The times I’ve been sick, I’ve sent him a text and simply said “can you do x y or z for me please (make some chicken broth with egg whites, take out the dog to potty, etc.).” He’s never once not done it or complained about it at all. And on days he’s had to work when I’m sick he’s made something to eat and put it in containers for me in the fridge so it’s easy to heat up and right there in the front, set some gatorades by the bed so I’d stay hydrated, etc. Why didn’t you do this with him? You could have asked him to get a few things in order to make it a bit easier before he went out. Then you would have been set up, felt more take care of, better able to take care of the baby too, and he could have enjoyed his plans. Totally reasonable solution. He checked in to see how you were doing, so he obviously cares. But the communication here is very lacking and the expectations seem out of whack too.

I think you’re sick, feeling low, and just letting your mind run away with you, to be honest. When we’re sick we don’t always think rationally and I think the guilt of not being at 100% mom capacity is also weighing on you. I hope you feel better soon, and please just talk to him. You’ll sort it out.

She doesn’t want to just be alone as she can’t just go to bed. She has to look after his baby as he can’t be bothered. Even people who just want to be left alone and can be as there isn’t a baby around would appreciate some food in the cupboard. And it’s not he doesn’t know. He doesn’t care. He turns up TO BE LOOKED AFTER when he’s sick. When she’s sick he fucks off and leaves her to look after the baby. That’s not ‘he won’t know till you tell him’ ; that’s it would be obvious IF he gave a shit which he doesn’t.
timeisnotaline · 06/09/2021 02:53

My dh was a bit like this. It all came to a head and I was clear that it was a complete deal breaker and not the basis on which I married him. I had no intention of growing old with this behaviour, or being there to look after him, and if we weren’t going to be together for the long term best to split soon. Now when im sick I just go to bed and he does it all.

MimiDaisy11 · 06/09/2021 03:40

I think you didn’t represent yourself the best in your OP as it’s focusing on one event in what people wrongly assume is a decent relationship hence some of the harsh replies focusing on the mind reading aspect.

I do think some replies though are seeing things you say in the most negative light which is unfair.

He doesn’t sound a great partner. People are going on about single parents but some relationships with partners can be more stress if you’re basically doing the work of a single parent plus having to deal with a terrible partner.

I hope you feel better.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 06/09/2021 03:49

Not enough energy to feed your toddler but enough energy to MN Confused

Plumtree391 · 06/09/2021 04:05

How old is your partner, op? I can't picture a grown man and a father giving precedence to day raves.

Regarding food, you can always order online.

I hope partner steps up and that when you wake, you and your baby will be much better. Your symptoms sound ghastly. Do register your disappointment.

timeisnotaline · 06/09/2021 04:15

@HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend

Not enough energy to feed your toddler but enough energy to MN Confused
Just fuck off. Toddlers take energy, tapping on your phone lying in bed is very low energy. I could do it while too unwell to read a book or watch tv.
Darbysmama · 06/09/2021 04:23

@timeisnotaline I didn’t say she wanted to be left alone. I said me personally. The implication was he doesn’t know what she wants or needs unless she speaks up. But I hope you enjoyed your nonsensical rant! Good day.

Goneblank38 · 06/09/2021 04:35

Bloody hell, some people on here are ridiculously mean spirited.
Parenting a toddler when sick and already stressed and sleep deprived is no joke. Feeding a toddler snacks for the day is also absolutely fine. You just do what you need to do to get through it.
Yes, you should ask for what you need and no, you shouldn't test partners. But it sounds like op is already completely emotionally drained from this relationship. You sound like you have asked for what you need and he repeatedly fails to step up.
It sounds like the relationship is already over. I'm sorry OP. The good news is that you have your own place and it sounds like you have a support network. You know you can survive as a single parent because you've done it before.
I say split, save time and energy for yourself and your baby, organise maintenance and visitation and make sure you get a day or two to yourself for rest.