I don’t want to resent my sister. Parent favouritism?

[DontWantTheRivalry]

Named changed for this post so it can’t be linked to my other threads….

My sister is 43 - I am 39 and we have a brother who is 36

My sister has two sons aged 14 and 16 and she split with their dad about five years ago - it was an amicable and joint decision. He has since married (not had any more children) but he continues to see his sons often and pays more maintenance than his CMS contribution dictates. He’s very decent when it comes to financially supporting his sons and he often gives them money for extras and pays for the school uniforms and their hobbies and sports costs etc.

My sister has a job where her take home pay is about £1’400. On top of this she receives benefits (not exactly what or how much) and she also gets given £150 a month by one of our family members to “put towards her living costs”. And of course, she has the maintenance payments too (and extra) from her Ex.

Her rent is £700 and then she obviously has the bills and food costs.

As an aside, my sister doesn’t know that I know about the monthly £150 she gets given from our relative.

She has a great social life, is out most weekends, always has new clothes, frequently ordering take-outs, getting Ubers everywhere, always spending money on something, city breaks with her friends every few months etc - you get the picture. Fair enough, she must have a nice amount of excess money left after her rent and bills and can obviously use it as she likes.

However, last month our parents decided that as some of her benefits will stop over the next two years when the boys leave education, they want to use all their savings to buy her a house so she doesn’t have to worry about any rent or mortgage costs. We are talking about £200k worth of savings.

My sister is obviously over the moon and they have started looking at houses.

I love my sister very much but I’m struggling to not feel resentful about this.

So not only will she have a nicer house of her own, she will be rent/mortgage free for her foreseeable future and so her financial situation will massively improve as well as being given her own property. It seems like such a huge thing to be given seeing as she’s hardly in a dire financial situation that she needs to be rescued from.

I see some horror stories on here about sibling favouritism and I always feel aghast that parents can treat their children so differently. Our parents have always bailed her out for as long as I can remember, she never has to take responsibility for herself because she has this expectation/entitlement that our parents will always financially assist her. It’s been like this for the last two decades so it’s almost conditioned into her that the pattern will continue. I know this is probably the fault of our parents and not necessarily hers.

Our brother is clearly pissed off but he’s not one to talk about his feelings.

I haven’t said anything to my sister or our parents but I’m struggling to not feel hurt.

AIBU to feel like this?

YANBU, it sounds like a lovely thing for them to do but these things always end badly when the resentment sets in

@FannyBrice

YANBU, it sounds like a lovely thing for them to do but these things always end badly when the resentment sets in

How on earth is this a lovely thing to do?

Splash out £200k on the golden child, while giving nothing to her 2 siblings?

OP, this is really hurtful, I am so sorry.
Even tho' DB doesn;t like to talk about stuff, are you able to 'united front' with him, & explain to your parents how marginalised you feel?

I'm amazed at your sister, frankly.
"Delighted", but no questions asked about whether her siblings also benefit?
What a selfish, entitled brat.

Sadly parents do this. Mine lied to me for over 50 years that I would be treated equally. Guess what sibling and partner gifted £250k and they keep going back for more.

Wow that’s out of order! My grandmas rule was: if you give it to one child, then you give it to them all. That’s how l think it should be. Is there a back story to your sister being the favourite and being given more?

I think you have to voice your feelings. I know it will be difficult but otherwise the resentment will eat away at you.

I'd resent my parents more than my sister. I'm the middle of three, deffo not the golden child! My youngest sibling is the favourite, I've started to help my parents out less and less. I was always the one who bent over backwards for them, the constant favouritism of the other two has made me realise that nothing I do will ever be good enough.

Do you help your parents a lot @DontWantTheRivalry? I'd suggest stopping that as much as you can.

I think that you should say something. There's no reason why she can't up her hours and just be given a good deposit.

Not uncommon and is happening in my family.
Will she be able to afford the costs associated with home ownership, People always think rental is money down the drain but the maintenance of a home adds up.

I don't believe you always have to treat all the children equally, and if one is in difficult circumstances then its fine to do more for them imo, but this is a huge disparity and I can understand why you feel hurt. As you say her circumstances are comfortable but it seems like she may be less financially secure than you and your brother so I could understand if they wanted to help her take out a mortgage or something where she was contributing and they helped her out. Just giving her their entire savings so nothing left for you and your brother is unfair though and means there is nothing to fall back on if any of you including your parents have problems and really need some of that money.

It's rubbish when parents treat children differently. Especially when the parents don't acknowledge the difference in treatment. I'd be upset too.

Separately, do your parents have 200k to give your sister. Won't they need it for their retirement? And how will they ensure that giving 200k to your sister is not viewed as deprication of assets if they need care in the future?

There's no way I'd keep quiet about this. Id ask outright why they're showing such huge favouritism to your sister, and if they really do want to be the cause of resentment and discord within the family, not just now but long after they've gone. It's sickening tbh.

Do your parents know something about your sister’s financial situation that you don’t?

Is anything being proposed or offered with regards to treating you all fairly - eg she gets £200k now but you and your brother get the equivalent in your parents’ will?

OP

As a poster says above, start distancing yourself from your parents. Especially less helping them out.

We have this in our family too. Divorced SIL gets money every month, car paid for and had mortgage paid off in full. But we don’t resent it, she is close by (we are many hours away) and is starting to have to step up massively with the PILS care needs. I’m sure your parents will expect the same OP. Don’t let resentment take over, it’s not worth it.

As a PP said how old are your parents and what proportion of their assets is this money. I am assuming that if your DSis is 43 your parents are over 60. They really need to look into things like deprivation of assets before they do this unless they are very wealthy.

www.ageuk.org.uk/globalassets/age-uk/documents/factsheets/fs40_deprivation_of_assets_in_social_care_fcs.pdf#:~:text=Deprivation%20of%20assets%20means%20you%20have%20intentionally%20decreased,the%20future%20when%20you%20carried%20out%20this%20action.

Not only is what they propose potentially unfair but it may also be storing up other problems.

Parents are showing unfair favouritism with the money and sister is accepting this. Your feelings are valid!

Suggest explaining your concerns to your parents and (separately) your sister.

Your sister is an adult so, yes, the past unfairness and continuing pattern is now down to her too. It IS her fault too.

It’s up to them what they do with their money, but they are creating a divide between their children that will run until the end.

My parents did this because my sister chose not to get married. Because I chose to get married my dh could provide for me forever apparently even though he doesn't? I work ft and my sister has a wealthy long term bf snd they have dc together. He is so wealthy that he has gifted her properties in her name already and her assets far outweighs my no assets. We don't even own a house.
But what can I do. My parents have decided my sister should get everything as a result. I scrimp and save every month whilst sister spends on trivial (expensive) things, in the end I resent my sister to agreeing this was fair and my parents for suggesting this was acceptable.

So I don't speak to them. Inheritance or gifts are of course up to whoever is giving them but when the consequences lead to hurt feelings which yours clearly would do, then it's ill thought through and tbh a bit mean so it's up to you how you decide you will cope. For me it meant going nc eventually. I feel better that they have made their decision and I get to make mine too.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, at least I know I’m not being silly for feeling so hurt.

My parents have their pensions alongside their savings which they will are using for their retirement.

We always knew they had good savings (some of it is inheritance from their own parents deaths) and it was always the understanding they would split it three ways.

I can’t imagine there’s something about my sister’s financial situation that is being kept hidden…..the way she is always spending money shows that she’s not struggling in any way.

I just don’t understand it.

Ever since we were in twenties I remember them always paying for things for her, always feeling sorry for her and she loved playing the victim etc and she quite happily took their money from them. Even though she was married, they would still pay out for house repairs, childcare, holidays etc. I suppose her Ex was no better for allowing it to go on…..but I guess it made life more financially pleasant for him as well as my sister.

Once they’ve given my sister this money the only money they will have will be their pension and the value of the house.

My brother said they’d probably leave the house to me and him, which is worth about £200k, so £100k each. Obviously that would be incredibly appreciated but I did say to him that there’s no guarantee they wouldn’t need to sell their house to pay for any nursing care or nursing home placements they may need as they get older.

To be honest, this isn’t even about inheritance, me and my husband manage fine, we don’t need/want their money, it’s purely just about the disparity and the fact that yet again my parents are handing out money to my sister whilst she floats through life enjoying herself.

Maybe after 20 years of watching it and keeping my mouth shut, this is just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I’m sorry for you OP. This happens in my family too, not money of that amount but my sibling gets holidays, treats and money all because they spent many years at home on benefits with their 3 DC and couldn’t get a decent job when the time came. They lived at home until their dc were a year so due to being a young parent so had never had a job or qualifications prior to kids and didn’t care to go back to training or employment when dc started school.
Anyway, sometimes the sibling who has worked hard and strived hard gets a crap deal and it really sucks. All I will say is that your parents may one day need your support and you should consider how much they favoured your sibling before making any decisions regarding this.

I think you need to have this out with them, so that everything is out on the table and you all know where you stand. It's hard to have these conversations so I'd ask what the plan is for the rest of your parents retirement,what happens if one needs to go into a home or something else that means they need the cash unexpectedly? Is sister to fork out for that since she'll be saving monthly without rent/mortgage payments? Or will they be living with her and that's why they are buying the house?

You haven't mentioned yours and your brother's circumstances, but it's not unreasonable to also ask why one DC is being treated like this and no provision for the other 2? If there are other grandchildren,why they aren't being thought of too? Nobody can predict the future.

At least with it all out, you may learn there's more to it. If not,then you know where you stand and you can be clear about how this makes you feel/impacts your relationship.

I would have to say something to your parents. It's not fair on you or your brother.
She could save for a mortgage but going out on the lash is obviously more important to her...

It’s very sad to read the experiences of other posters too - sorry you’ve had to go through it and fractured relationships have occurred as a result. I really don’t want any rivalry with my sister but I just can’t believe she’s allowing our parents to buy her a house without any consideration as to how it might make me and our brother feel. That’s always been her though - she’s quite selfish in some ways.

I’m just gobsmacked that she will take all this money off our parents without any kind of guilt - as another poster said, what if they need it in the future?

And for the poster that asked, our mum is 66 and our dad is 69.

You haven't mentioned yours and your brother's circumstances, but it's not unreasonable to also ask why one DC is being treated like this and no provision for the other 2?

I’m married, have been for 8 years and we have two small children. We both work (him FT and me 28 hours) and we live within our means. We don’t have fancy cars or holidays or clothes etc, our lives are just quite normal.

My DB isn’t married but lives with his long-term partner. They don’t have children but I know it’s something they want in the future. They both work full time in standard jobs and again, just live a ‘normal’ life.