I don’t want to resent my sister. Parent favouritism?

[DontWantTheRivalry]

Named changed for this post so it can’t be linked to my other threads….

My sister is 43 - I am 39 and we have a brother who is 36

My sister has two sons aged 14 and 16 and she split with their dad about five years ago - it was an amicable and joint decision. He has since married (not had any more children) but he continues to see his sons often and pays more maintenance than his CMS contribution dictates. He’s very decent when it comes to financially supporting his sons and he often gives them money for extras and pays for the school uniforms and their hobbies and sports costs etc.

My sister has a job where her take home pay is about £1’400. On top of this she receives benefits (not exactly what or how much) and she also gets given £150 a month by one of our family members to “put towards her living costs”. And of course, she has the maintenance payments too (and extra) from her Ex.

Her rent is £700 and then she obviously has the bills and food costs.

As an aside, my sister doesn’t know that I know about the monthly £150 she gets given from our relative.

She has a great social life, is out most weekends, always has new clothes, frequently ordering take-outs, getting Ubers everywhere, always spending money on something, city breaks with her friends every few months etc - you get the picture. Fair enough, she must have a nice amount of excess money left after her rent and bills and can obviously use it as she likes.

However, last month our parents decided that as some of her benefits will stop over the next two years when the boys leave education, they want to use all their savings to buy her a house so she doesn’t have to worry about any rent or mortgage costs. We are talking about £200k worth of savings.

My sister is obviously over the moon and they have started looking at houses.

I love my sister very much but I’m struggling to not feel resentful about this.

So not only will she have a nicer house of her own, she will be rent/mortgage free for her foreseeable future and so her financial situation will massively improve as well as being given her own property. It seems like such a huge thing to be given seeing as she’s hardly in a dire financial situation that she needs to be rescued from.

I see some horror stories on here about sibling favouritism and I always feel aghast that parents can treat their children so differently. Our parents have always bailed her out for as long as I can remember, she never has to take responsibility for herself because she has this expectation/entitlement that our parents will always financially assist her. It’s been like this for the last two decades so it’s almost conditioned into her that the pattern will continue. I know this is probably the fault of our parents and not necessarily hers.

Our brother is clearly pissed off but he’s not one to talk about his feelings.

I haven’t said anything to my sister or our parents but I’m struggling to not feel hurt.

AIBU to feel like this?

Is it likely that by giving all this to your sister that you and your brother will cease contact with her when your parents are gone, due to the resentment that has built up? If so, I would point out to them that they're not doing her any favours, as the hurt that they are causing now, is likely to grow into longer term resentment, and when she most needs her siblings after her parents have gone, they won't want anything to do with the 'golden child'.

I also wonder whether she will be in a position to pay any taxes on this gift if either/both of your parents were to die in the next 7 years. If they should die in the next 3 to 4 years she would have to find 32% (£64,000)
to pay the tax man, the tax liability then decreases on a sliding scale until the 7 year mark where she would then be free and clear of it.

Are they buying a house that will be in her name or buying a house for her to live in?

Hey Mum, if your buying DS a house, when can me and DB go shopping for ours?
Silence and just look her straight in the eyes.

Ah man that sounds a bit of a tricky situation.

Could it be that your parents are gifting your sister her inheritance now ? Maybe their will leaves their remains assets to you and your brother?

It al sounds very unfair. Everyone I know who has been gifted large sums by their parents, their siblings have had the same. Also Your parents don’t sound massively wealthy, despite the healthy savings, so it seems wrong to take such a massive sum from them. They are still young enough to enjoy that money themselves!

It can be very difficult, all through our childhood and really until our early thirties my parents hugely favoured me over my brother. I did not see it growing up and I admit I did nothing about it when we were in our twenties. When I decided to buy a house my parents gave me £30k and then bought me £20k of furniture when I moved in. I found out later that when my brother bought they only gave him £10k and when he moved in they only bought him flowers.

Other things I now realise was that it was always a competition, but for me it was fine as long as I tried, where as no matter what my brother did they always expected him to try harder. He got 8 A* at GCSE and our dad's view was that he should have done better. I did not do as well has my brother but I was heaped with praise.

It drove a wedge between us for many years and was not healthy for either of us. Thankfully we now have an amazing relationship but my brother still has self esteem issues because of it.

Is she the youngest? Many parents continue to baby youngest child even when an Adult! I would say something to them TBH. Its not just you and DH and bro /SIL its your DC too! They will miss out on treats and extra money as well. If you dont say anything it will eat away at you.

@ChargingBuck sounds like a lovely thing to do, from her parents prospective 🙄🙄🙄

I'd definitely need to be asking what the reasoning is here?

My family have a similar situation but more of a twat relation who never moved out and feels entitled to everything, so get the irritation. It's not your sister's fault tho, definitely your parents need to be explaining things properly.

@Bollindger

Hey Mum, if your buying DS a house, when can me and DB go shopping for ours? Silence and just look her straight in the eyes.

You need to do this 100000%

Your sister sounds like a taker - I would never allow my parents to treat me more favourably than my brother, and visa versa (although my parents would never ever do this anyway) .

Jesus, how to cause bad feelings within a family unit

Really feel for you and your brother x

I can so relate. My parents were the same. When they moved into sheltered housing they just gave my sister their house. Even though she already owned her own home. It was the only asset they had, no money to speak of and no savings.
My SIL is still furious about this and struggles with the injustice. It was always like that, the favouritism. My sister is the eldest and mum didn’t want any more children. We were resented for sure. People were surprised that she had more than one child because she never spoke about us.

YANBU and to be honest I would be sitting down with your parents and telling them how you feel

That she has enough income to splash the cash already, and in fact could be saving that for the future

That you don’t know what your future holds, what happens if you if you your job etc, would they be buying you a house so you didn’t have to find money for a mortgage or rent, same for your brother

I would be explaining that If they continue to help her in this way then it’s obvious they dint care about you or your brother and I would go LC or even NC

Then when they older and need help your sister can do it

I just don’t understand why parents would treat children differently

I would have to speak up. That is so unfair and will end up with you and your brother feeling resentful to your parent and sister.

Your sister is just as bad by accepting all this knowing that you and your brother are being left out!

@MrsKrystalStubbs

We have this in our family too. Divorced SIL gets money every month, car paid for and had mortgage paid off in full. But we don’t resent it, she is close by (we are many hours away) and is starting to have to step up massively with the PILS care needs. I’m sure your parents will expect the same OP. Don’t let resentment take over, it’s not worth it.

When DSis's relationship broke down my parents gifted her a substantial amount of money for her deposit so much so that her mortgage payment is 25% of ours. We also have huge childcare costs. Both our choices but money is tight.

They did mention that as I live 1.5 hours away, my DSis would be helping with their care when they are older. Dsis has since moved to the other side of the country and their was comments I would need to help. I have told them that I will help sort out their care when the time comes but I won't be doing it myself as it's a three hour round trip on the rare occasions we get good traffic.

@CaddieDawg

I think you need to have this out with them, so that everything is out on the table and you all know where you stand. It's hard to have these conversations so I'd ask what the plan is for the rest of your parents retirement,what happens if one needs to go into a home or something else that means they need the cash unexpectedly? Is sister to fork out for that since she'll be saving monthly without rent/mortgage payments? Or will they be living with her and that's why they are buying the house?

You haven't mentioned yours and your brother's circumstances, but it's not unreasonable to also ask why one DC is being treated like this and no provision for the other 2? If there are other grandchildren,why they aren't being thought of too? Nobody can predict the future.

At least with it all out, you may learn there's more to it. If not,then you know where you stand and you can be clear about how this makes you feel/impacts your relationship.

I agree with this. And I am glad that my parents treated us equally, as my MIL favours her dd and not my dh and it causes so much hurt.

well don't resent your sister, resent your parents

Ouch! That would really hurt! I do think you need to say something, but be prepared for everyone to be very defensive and say you're being unreasonable. Take it from there. You're not being unreasonable.

I think when parents are prepared to be as uneven handed as this there must be an extra ingredient you don't know about, i.e some reason they feel extra responsible for her like she was ill as a baby or her parentage was unclear or something. I'm not saying that's what it is! But there must be something. It won't be that they love her more. I completely get that it would feel like that though!!

I'd definitely need to be asking what the reasoning is here?

The reasoning is because they think that renting is throwing away money and so they want her on the property market…..but as she cannot afford that, they are just going to buy a house for her. And for the previous poster who asked, the house will be in my sister’s name. I.e it will be her house, not a house that they own which she just lives in.

In relation to another posters experience: I was always the more academic child growing up, I did better at school, in my A Levels and went to Uni etc, whereas my sister stopped bothering when she was about 14. She went to college after school but dropped out of two courses and so always just drifted from job to job in her twenties with no real aim or goal. She does have a stable job now but it’s one she fell into about 10 years ago and she has since climbed the ladder.

She’s always played the victim, constantly going on: “My sister is more clever than me and so she has a better job and wage than me” etc etc. Its like she wants pity, my parents feel bad for her and so throw money at her. It’s a little manipulative at times.

This happened with my ex and his siblings. It completely wrecked their family. One sibling despised the other for taking it. My ex was in the middle because he tried to not take sides. I would probably have a quiet word with your parents about it and whether it's fair to proceed. Surprised your sister is considering this. She sounds awful.

OP has your parents said their will be nothing left for you and your brother, I presume your parents also have their own house, could it be that the sister gets 200k now but you and the brother get their house when they pass.

You need to speak with your parents and let them know how this is affecting you and your brother. It may well be they reassure you by saying their house will be yours jointly

OP has your parents said their will be nothing left for you and your brother, I presume your parents also have their own house, could it be that the sister gets 200k now but you and the brother get their house when they pass.

My brother guessed this would be the case. There house is worth about £200k so even if it went ahead me and my brother would get £100k each, so only half of what my sister has been given.

Plus, like I said to my brother, there’s no guarantee there will be a house to sell anyway as it may need to be sold many years before their passing to pay for medical or nursing homes fees etc. My parents are convinced they’ll never go into ‘a home’ but old age isn’t that predictable is it.

Like I said though, deep down this isn’t about the money, I don’t want or need it, I’m just angry about how unfair it is to me and my brother whilst yet again our sister holds her hand out and gets offered everything which she happily takes.

If they aren't going into a home... Is your sister going to be the one caring for them? Because I wouldn't be doing if I was you not after the way they've treated you and your brother.

It all sounds very odd. What is needed and I’m really surprised your parents haven’t done this is for there to have been clear communication for all of you as to why the plan was and why and what it will mean for you and your brother. Obviously they can do what they want with their win money but it’s no good the whole family now relying on rumour and supposition.
For all you know they may be renting it to her or owning it as joint tenants etc. They may think they are cleverly protecting their money from care cost/iht (but they are still young!) and this route won’t work. Do they have any financial advisor do you know ?
Bloody hell families eh?

[quote FannyBrice]@ChargingBuck sounds like a lovely thing to do, from her parents prospective 🙄🙄🙄[/quote]
Only if they are able to convince themselves that it's fine to hurt their other 2 childrens' feelings, which is pretty far from "lovely" no matter whose perspective it's from.