I don’t want to resent my sister. Parent favouritism?

[DontWantTheRivalry]

Named changed for this post so it can’t be linked to my other threads….

My sister is 43 - I am 39 and we have a brother who is 36

My sister has two sons aged 14 and 16 and she split with their dad about five years ago - it was an amicable and joint decision. He has since married (not had any more children) but he continues to see his sons often and pays more maintenance than his CMS contribution dictates. He’s very decent when it comes to financially supporting his sons and he often gives them money for extras and pays for the school uniforms and their hobbies and sports costs etc.

My sister has a job where her take home pay is about £1’400. On top of this she receives benefits (not exactly what or how much) and she also gets given £150 a month by one of our family members to “put towards her living costs”. And of course, she has the maintenance payments too (and extra) from her Ex.

Her rent is £700 and then she obviously has the bills and food costs.

As an aside, my sister doesn’t know that I know about the monthly £150 she gets given from our relative.

She has a great social life, is out most weekends, always has new clothes, frequently ordering take-outs, getting Ubers everywhere, always spending money on something, city breaks with her friends every few months etc - you get the picture. Fair enough, she must have a nice amount of excess money left after her rent and bills and can obviously use it as she likes.

However, last month our parents decided that as some of her benefits will stop over the next two years when the boys leave education, they want to use all their savings to buy her a house so she doesn’t have to worry about any rent or mortgage costs. We are talking about £200k worth of savings.

My sister is obviously over the moon and they have started looking at houses.

I love my sister very much but I’m struggling to not feel resentful about this.

So not only will she have a nicer house of her own, she will be rent/mortgage free for her foreseeable future and so her financial situation will massively improve as well as being given her own property. It seems like such a huge thing to be given seeing as she’s hardly in a dire financial situation that she needs to be rescued from.

I see some horror stories on here about sibling favouritism and I always feel aghast that parents can treat their children so differently. Our parents have always bailed her out for as long as I can remember, she never has to take responsibility for herself because she has this expectation/entitlement that our parents will always financially assist her. It’s been like this for the last two decades so it’s almost conditioned into her that the pattern will continue. I know this is probably the fault of our parents and not necessarily hers.

Our brother is clearly pissed off but he’s not one to talk about his feelings.

I haven’t said anything to my sister or our parents but I’m struggling to not feel hurt.

AIBU to feel like this?

Well I spoke to my kin, told her my concerns and said that my sister does not need rescuing and that as an adult she needs to take responsibility for herself. I said she has far more money for spending than I do and that with her wage, her CMS, the money she has from our relative and her benefits she has about £2k, if not more, coming into the household each month which is a hell of a lot more than many people have.

My mum looked horrified but tried to placate me with versions of, “I know it may seem unfair to buy her a house but you have a husband and she doesn’t….” Etc.

When I mentioned our brother she said that he didn’t have any financial problems so she didn’t see why he felt angry.

I told her my sister doesn’t have financial problems either.

Anyhow, to cut a long story short, our mum then went and spoke to my sister and now my sister knows that I’ve said and now my sister isn’t talking to me.

Ah well.

@DontWantTheRivalry Sorry to hear it didn't go well. However, is there any chance that you might have given your mum things to think about that she hadn't previously thought of?

Hopefully the answer is yes and things will pan out a bit differently.

I sympathise with you though. As with a lot of people, I know what it's like to have a sibling who is the favoured one.

ah bollocks to your sister , shes been rumbled , no wonder shes not happy
you needed to say something though , well done , it was brave of you

You haven’t done anything wrong by speaking your mind, though it would no doubt have been far easier for them to justify this if you hadn’t. You have said your piece and now it’s up to them how they react. But I would be much less keen to visit as much if they didn’t take my feelings on board. Yanbu.

Thanks everyone - I feel better for saying (and maybe a little bit of pissed off ranting) my piece. What our parents choose to do with the information is up to them now.

I’m just going to take a step back and leave them all to it.

It sounds like your DM has a distorted picture of your S's financial situation. Might it be due to your S crying poverty to them? Also, if you and DB never do that, your DM&D might just have this idea that you're all very comfortable and S is so sad and struggling by comparison. The squeaky wheel gets the oil.

Is your dm old fashioned enough to believe a woman just can't manage without a dh and is shoving cash her way with that mindset?

Sorry, I meant to add:

...and S isn't the favourite, as such, but just needy and has manipulated your DPs into feeling sorry for her and seeing you and DB as very well off and never in need.

What a horrible situation for you. It's incredible how many people do this sort of thing without having a clue at how destructive it is.

My parents gave my sister 80000 pounds so she could buy out her exDH when they divorced and remain in the family home.

Which is kind, of course, but they did it without saying anything to me. I only know because my sister told me. She assures me that it will be deducted from any inheritance in the future so will work out fairly.

But who knows what will happen in the future. Our parents may need to pay for care or they may choose to spend all their money (as is their right).

So my sister works part time and lives in a house worth twice the amount of the house I live in. DH and I both work full time and I have taken up extra evening work in order to continue to pay the mortgage whilst helping our student DD.

It hurts to be treated differently. Plus the money is worth more over time as it allows my sister to invest in a big house which will presumably gain value. Perhaps in 10 years time the original 80 grand will actually be worth double that. So claims that it will work out fairly in the long run are simplistic to the point of being untrue.

My SIL is favoured in DH's family too so we have it on both sides!
She and her DH recently showed up in a massive brand new Audi. SIL is a SAHM and her DH works part-time. We know they bought the car with money they have been given.

To make matters worse a few years ago both DH and I borrowed money from our families in order to speed up work on our house we were renovating and needed to sell quicker than planned as we had to move for work reasons. We paid back the borrowed money (about 3k from each family) within 6 months when we sold the house and actually also paid some interest on the loans!

Oh well. At least we know that everything we have is rightfully ours and we have worked for it.

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. These things inevitably create rifts within families unfortunately.

It was the right thing, the resentment would have eaten you up. You’ve given dm food for thought, and your sister must know deep down that the offer was shit and unfair for you and db

Oh OP I am sorry about your ridiculously obstuse mother & selfish sister.

Anyhow, to cut a long story short, our mum then went and spoke to my sister and now my sister knows that I’ve said and now my sister isn’t talking to me.

Given your post where you described how DS was gloating over her good fortune without a moment's thought about fairness to her siblings, I'm not surprised your DS is sulking now.

This is the DS who used to have to muscle in on your birthday celebrations, 10 days after her own, which you didn't get to take over, yes?

Not her fault, or yours, that her upbringing was so dysfunctional, but she's old enough to take a step back & see the wood for the trees now.

I have no idea why your mum thought shit-stirring by repeating your conversation to her Golden Child was a good idea. Sounds like everything you said to your mum was factual & reasonable - it's not your fault your mum is refusing to accept her own favouritism & unfairness.

Hope you can spend some quality time with DB, & find a way of dealing with the fallout. I don't think anyone would blame you for wanting to be very low contact with the rest of your family for a while.

I was the scapegoat growing up and my sister was the doted on one so I know I'll find it a real kick in the teeth if my sister is favoured financially by our mum in future. It's not just the money it's that it hammers home the rejection

My mum looked horrified but tried to placate me with versions of, “I know it may seem unfair to buy her a house but you have a husband and she doesn’t….” Etc
No one knows the future though. Your sister could meet a rich husband and you could split up with yours.

It really,really hurts when parents play favorites. My father told me "You have bad timing wanting a wedding now since we had to buy your brother a car, pay on your sister's flat (private rent during university didn't want to live in dorms) and support your younger sister (pregnant teenage mother!!!) I moved out 28 years ago as a teen and never asked for a penny. My siblings have all received a huge amount of financial support and I can't even get $10 in a birthday card..

So your DM thinks because you have a husband your sister should get the money? And what if she marries a billionaire next year? Parents who do this shit are appalling

One of my cousins was constantly bailed out by his mum, now she's no longer here he's really struggling, never had to think ahead, worry about getting jobs/better paid jobs.

My aunt's favoritism was a constant source of irritation/upset to his sister, but she now sees it really did him no favours. However she's worried she'll feel guilted into bailing him out, particularly in old age as he has no pension, job and rents.

The birthday thing is shocking. You were 6 and she was 10?

Sorry your mum cannot see that your DSis is pretty well off and just making different choices about how she spends her money.

You are better off out of it. Your DSis is a greedy CF if she thinks this is ok.

The people in this scenario that baffle me are your parents

You say you’re close

They come across as utterly thick and naive

So why do they think your sister has money problems. Are you saying she’s lied to them?

And then to go off and tell her daughter what you’d said

I mean seriously

As a mother you should handle this situation so much more delicately than this

Sorry it all went so badly Op, but I think I'd have bet money that it would. My DB was my Mum's favourite mainly because, in her own words, "he needed her more", your DSis has done a blinding job of convincing your DP she needs their money more than you or your DB.

I wish I could give you the words to explain to your DM that this isn't just about the money, it's about feeling second best and that hurts.

Good for you for saying something. We're in a similar position with SIL who has just had her 2nd baby despite being in a zero hours contract and in an extremely small and unsecurr rented flat. She is also unmarried and is putting pressure on her parents to sell one of theor priperties and give her all the money.

DH and I are comfortable but could certainly do with some help with mortgage.

But she is the priority as she has two kids - her choice. And DH and I have none together because we've taken responsible decisions about our finances.

ACcording to MIL DH 'always lands on his feet'. Maybe that justified in their head paying for all SIL wedding and giving her a £10k house deposit whilst DH got nothing for either.
The fact he re sat professional exams three times and now earns well, whilst she bummed round New Zealand with her boyfriend and doesn't, probably doesn't even register.

Thanks everyone for your support.

In a nutshell, yes she does make out to our parents (and the relative who gives her money each month) that she needs it - they all think she struggles financially and she lets them think it.

Sometimes I feel like showing them her Social Media accounts which much more honestly reflects the life she leads compared to the one they think she does.

It’s deception for financial gain as far as I’m concerned…..which I don’t think is too far off the mark from stealing.

I just don’t understand her lack of morals. She just doesn’t care. Never has.

I do feel better for getting it off my chest, I feel like all the built up stress and anger has been released and I feel calmer about it all. I’m pretty sure my truth telling won’t make any difference but as least I won’t feel like I’m colluding in her lies or condoning them.

I think my parents had a right to know the truth, and nobody else was going to tell them.

I’m sure my sister’s and mine relationship will be a little bit damaged now but I doubt she ever cared about me in the same way I have always done for her.

Families eh.

I think you are a great woman, whom should be really bloody proud of herself.

You spoke your truth, what you know and and what you have seen, and what you believe to be wrong.

The cards will fall as they may.🤷‍♀️🤦

I'm a massive believer in "Actions have consequences".

When someone behaves in a certain way, having been alerted to their behaviour, then they need not be surprised with the consequences.

I have actioned this in my own life, over the years, and I have never regretted it.

Be proud of yourself, reflect, and do whatever you need to do.

Your mother is definitely doing what she wants, and needs to do, so she shouldn't be at all surprised, if you do similarly.

As for your sister...kindly, I think you know her character, or clear lack of...please don't depend on someone like this in your life...it inevitably leads to massive, unnecessary disappointment.