I don’t want to resent my sister. Parent favouritism?

[DontWantTheRivalry]

Named changed for this post so it can’t be linked to my other threads….

My sister is 43 - I am 39 and we have a brother who is 36

My sister has two sons aged 14 and 16 and she split with their dad about five years ago - it was an amicable and joint decision. He has since married (not had any more children) but he continues to see his sons often and pays more maintenance than his CMS contribution dictates. He’s very decent when it comes to financially supporting his sons and he often gives them money for extras and pays for the school uniforms and their hobbies and sports costs etc.

My sister has a job where her take home pay is about £1’400. On top of this she receives benefits (not exactly what or how much) and she also gets given £150 a month by one of our family members to “put towards her living costs”. And of course, she has the maintenance payments too (and extra) from her Ex.

Her rent is £700 and then she obviously has the bills and food costs.

As an aside, my sister doesn’t know that I know about the monthly £150 she gets given from our relative.

She has a great social life, is out most weekends, always has new clothes, frequently ordering take-outs, getting Ubers everywhere, always spending money on something, city breaks with her friends every few months etc - you get the picture. Fair enough, she must have a nice amount of excess money left after her rent and bills and can obviously use it as she likes.

However, last month our parents decided that as some of her benefits will stop over the next two years when the boys leave education, they want to use all their savings to buy her a house so she doesn’t have to worry about any rent or mortgage costs. We are talking about £200k worth of savings.

My sister is obviously over the moon and they have started looking at houses.

I love my sister very much but I’m struggling to not feel resentful about this.

So not only will she have a nicer house of her own, she will be rent/mortgage free for her foreseeable future and so her financial situation will massively improve as well as being given her own property. It seems like such a huge thing to be given seeing as she’s hardly in a dire financial situation that she needs to be rescued from.

I see some horror stories on here about sibling favouritism and I always feel aghast that parents can treat their children so differently. Our parents have always bailed her out for as long as I can remember, she never has to take responsibility for herself because she has this expectation/entitlement that our parents will always financially assist her. It’s been like this for the last two decades so it’s almost conditioned into her that the pattern will continue. I know this is probably the fault of our parents and not necessarily hers.

Our brother is clearly pissed off but he’s not one to talk about his feelings.

I haven’t said anything to my sister or our parents but I’m struggling to not feel hurt.

AIBU to feel like this?

I really don’t want any rivalry with my sister but I just can’t believe she’s allowing our parents to buy her a house without any consideration as to how it might make me and our brother feel. That’s always been her though - she’s quite selfish in some ways.

Really, this is all down to your parents' decision-making though. Why don't you ask them?

Is it a case that she's around a lot more than you and your brother? With the whole grandchildren thing, maybe they are just closer and share more? My sister is closer to our parents, she has children and I'm sure they give her a lot of support that I don't get (nor want).

I totally understand why you would feel resentment as I am in a similar situation myself and a consequence have gone NC with my father.

If you are able to have a conversation with your parents, could you suggest that they help your sister to buy a house, paying a hefty deposit but leaving her with a mortgage of £700 per month, which she can well afford if that’s what her current rent is?

That way they won’t be using so much of their savings and they will be happy that your sister is no longer paying rent to someone else.

I don’t envy your position but you are going to have some difficult conversations. It may cause a massive falling out in the long run anyway but at least you will have got it off your chest. You need to rope your brother in to to back you up as this concerns him.

I don't understand why your sister couldn't get her own mortgage and the parents help out with a deposit, but equally give you and you brother the same amount. Then just split whatevers left 3 ways in the will

I'm sorry Op, that's massively unfair to you and your DB. As you say, your parent's may well need care later on and the value of a house can soon vanish with the skyhigh prices the care homes charge. You really need to speak to your parents and explain that this would be not only unfair but possible financially risky, if it looks like they've delibarately stripped themselves of assets it could hugely effect their right to any benefits later on. Far better to have the house in their name just in case

My dm and dsf bought my home, to provide stability for me and my 4dc after my divorce. Its not a gift, on their death it still forms part of their estate, either I will need to have paid off the debt or my siblings inherit a share of the house. My siblings totally understand that my financial predicament means I've needed this help, and I know how fortunate I am to have been given this help.

This is really unfair! My FIL has decided to help out my SIL with a large lump sum, because she really does need it. Even though me and DH are comfortable, he is giving DH the same amount, so that they are treated the same. That's how it should be imo! If they are gifting £200k, it should be split 3 ways.

Unfairness aside, even if, like they say, they won't need to go into a home, what are they going to use to fund their care in their own home if they only have a pension? It could be for many years. People seem to think that the state will pay for care in your own home, whatever your financial situation. It's just not the case, and many people get a shock when they realise how much it costs and that they have to pay for it themselves. They're not going to have any pot to dig into if they find their pension mostly gets taken up by their care costs.

I'd be really worried that they haven't got any backup savings to fund their old age properly, and be going at this from that angle. ie. asking if you and your brother would be expected to help fund their home care, because you simply won't be able to afford it as you will still be paying mortgage payments etc, unlike your sister. You could then ask if there is an arrangement with your sister for HER to fund their home care if needed, seeing as she won't have any mortgage payments?

Very unfair. I’d go NC in the face of such unequal treatment with both the sibling and parents.

Your sister should be taking a second job, doing overtime etc if she can’t afford her lifestyle once benefits stop. The children must be old enough to not need childcare etc so no reason work hours are capped.

Talk to your parents.

How old are your parents? I know this isn't the point of the thread but I just thought I'd let you know that if one of your parents need care social services will more than likely see the gift as deprivation of assets and will expect your sister to repay the money or fund their care. It doesn't come under the 7 year IHT rule so it could be in 10 years.

Basically anyone older giving away huge chunks of money is judged as doing so to circumvent possible care costs. We had that with FIL and were liable for over £6k per month.

In regards to your resentment, I agree and I'd tell them how unfair they were being. I'd happily reduce contact/support based on how they'd treated me.

YANBU. Talk to your parents ASAP. Don’t accept this.

I think if it were viable, I would deadpan my parents with 'that's lovely you're helping us all with our houses, should we give you our bank details or do you have a chequebook?' And just wait for the reaction.

I would honestly only see this as near acceptable if the financial circumstances of the different siblings were obviously in stark contrast.

For example, I have a colleague whose dsis will get a lot more help from the parents as colleague has very rich ILs who have paid off her mortgage (and then some). The dsis and her DH don't have lots of money so will benefit more from inheritance to enable her to have a more comfortable life eventually. The whole family are aware and are supportive of this.

I think you need to tell your sister, your parents and your brother. 'I think that by wanting to help dsis you are actually being thoughtless and unfair to me and dbro. I could sit here and get resentful without telling you why, or I could tell you how I feel so that we all know where we stand.' I would then decide how their actions make me feel about our future relationship. (As an aside, I was faced with being told about a smaller but similarly unfair inequality and unlike dsis I didn't try to hide my disgust - a further conversation was had as a result and the inequality was addressed. Family can take you for granted sometimes.

SIL got thousands for a house deposit and all her wedding paid for. DH got nothing.
We think a lot less of them and see them far less often now than we could do.
No going back from it.

Op your parents are far too young to diminish their savings like this. I am nearing 70 and have my state and occupational pension, it covers living but no luxuries (like holidays etc).
Yes provide a deposit if they feel they need to but she needs to prove she can afford the mortgage.
The other option (you will need legal advice) is to create a trust with all say grandchildren as beneficiaries and the trust purchases the house, (this would seem the fairest option to me) with your sister allowed to live in it during her lifetime.

The worry about all of this is how, financially, is your sister going to maintain this property? Will your parents be forever paying out for this too?

Yep, I'd be pissed off, too.

I'm all for not expecting an inheritance but giving money unfairly whilst alive is a shitty thing to do.

@DontWantTheRivalry

OP has your parents said their will be nothing left for you and your brother, I presume your parents also have their own house, could it be that the sister gets 200k now but you and the brother get their house when they pass.

My brother guessed this would be the case. There house is worth about £200k so even if it went ahead me and my brother would get £100k each, so only half of what my sister has been given.

Plus, like I said to my brother, there’s no guarantee there will be a house to sell anyway as it may need to be sold many years before their passing to pay for medical or nursing homes fees etc. My parents are convinced they’ll never go into ‘a home’ but old age isn’t that predictable is it.

Like I said though, deep down this isn’t about the money, I don’t want or need it, I’m just angry about how unfair it is to me and my brother whilst yet again our sister holds her hand out and gets offered everything which she happily takes.

But even if they don't end up using the house to pay for care home fees, you and your brother are only guessing that they will split the proceeds of their house between you. And given what you've said about their favouritism of your sister I would be very surprised if this was the case. At best they'll split it three ways, and may well leave a much greater proportion to your sister.

I have been NC with my parents (and minimal contact with my brother) for 5 years because of this. Like you, I don't need the money. But the unfairness is hugely painful.

My parents apparently continue to insist that it's totally fair and I am wildly unreasonable. I don't begin to understand any of it and it does feel like they love me less than my brother.

@PumpkinPatch21

If they aren't going into a home... Is your sister going to be the one caring for them? Because I wouldn't be doing if I was you not after the way they've treated you and your brother.

I mean, this.

I'd be so resentful at this. It's so OTT.

I surmise that what's important to your parents is ensuring security for her and her children, following her divorce. Hence the house purchase. Do you and your brother own or rent? What happened to your sister's marital home on divorce? Couldn't that have provided a house and home for her and the children or at least some equity in it to use towards buying one, with a lump sum contribution from your parents so she'd have a small mortgage?

Even now they could give her a substantial sum so she could afford a mortgage to buy her own. They'd still have some money left which they might need in view of their age if all they've got is state pension rather than occupational pension(s) plus state. Might be worth mentioning to them that they and she need to be aware of potential care costs and local council claiming deprivation of assets if they give it all away - less likely to be able to make that claim stick if they were just part helping their daughter and grandchildren with a sum while retaining a good part of their savings.

I would start pleading poverty... Least then you know where you stand if you get nowt..
And hopefully dsis has plenty of loo roll.
Golden One becomes the bum wiper imo.

And I would think a lot less of the sister taking handouts from family left and right, tbh. I don't usually go NC, but there would be very low contact if this happens, with the sister and parents.

Sorry to hear this OP, it really is hugely unfair.

I would speak to your parents about it but from the angle that you want to check they have enough to live off. If they live to a very grand old age they could have up to 30 years of life left, and as you said they may need care which they may not be able to cover and this could be viewed as deprivation of assets.

I'd ask them if the idea is that your sister is to provide any future care as otherwise you can't see why she is being gifted such a huge sum, which by your reckoning is 50% of their net worth which is a huge amount.

I would have to speak to your parents and let them know how annoyed you were that they are treating you so differently.

In 5 years time, things could be very different, your sister could be married to a millionaire and you could be divorced, but giving her that house is final and they won’t be in a position to help you or your brother financially in the future if the need should arise

Don't allow your parents to cite "future care" as a reason for them giving your sister the house.

She will not be legally obliged to do it and even if she is willing, she may be unable to keep up with the demands of dementia or mobility care, so they could end up in a home anyway, which will erode the value of heir own house.

This is a disgraceful way to treat your family. It's not just inheritance for you; it's also for your children.