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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t want to resent my sister. Parent favouritism?

187 replies

DontWantTheRivalry · 05/09/2021 11:41

Named changed for this post so it can’t be linked to my other threads….

My sister is 43 - I am 39 and we have a brother who is 36

My sister has two sons aged 14 and 16 and she split with their dad about five years ago - it was an amicable and joint decision. He has since married (not had any more children) but he continues to see his sons often and pays more maintenance than his CMS contribution dictates. He’s very decent when it comes to financially supporting his sons and he often gives them money for extras and pays for the school uniforms and their hobbies and sports costs etc.

My sister has a job where her take home pay is about £1’400. On top of this she receives benefits (not exactly what or how much) and she also gets given £150 a month by one of our family members to “put towards her living costs”. And of course, she has the maintenance payments too (and extra) from her Ex.

Her rent is £700 and then she obviously has the bills and food costs.

As an aside, my sister doesn’t know that I know about the monthly £150 she gets given from our relative.

She has a great social life, is out most weekends, always has new clothes, frequently ordering take-outs, getting Ubers everywhere, always spending money on something, city breaks with her friends every few months etc - you get the picture. Fair enough, she must have a nice amount of excess money left after her rent and bills and can obviously use it as she likes.

However, last month our parents decided that as some of her benefits will stop over the next two years when the boys leave education, they want to use all their savings to buy her a house so she doesn’t have to worry about any rent or mortgage costs. We are talking about £200k worth of savings.

My sister is obviously over the moon and they have started looking at houses.

I love my sister very much but I’m struggling to not feel resentful about this.

So not only will she have a nicer house of her own, she will be rent/mortgage free for her foreseeable future and so her financial situation will massively improve as well as being given her own property. It seems like such a huge thing to be given seeing as she’s hardly in a dire financial situation that she needs to be rescued from.

I see some horror stories on here about sibling favouritism and I always feel aghast that parents can treat their children so differently. Our parents have always bailed her out for as long as I can remember, she never has to take responsibility for herself because she has this expectation/entitlement that our parents will always financially assist her. It’s been like this for the last two decades so it’s almost conditioned into her that the pattern will continue. I know this is probably the fault of our parents and not necessarily hers.

Our brother is clearly pissed off but he’s not one to talk about his feelings.

I haven’t said anything to my sister or our parents but I’m struggling to not feel hurt.

AIBU to feel like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
DontWantTheRivalry · 05/09/2021 19:25

Thanks everyone.

I’m seeing mum over lunchtime tomorrow so I will have a chat with her about it. She is probably the most rational one out of the two of them so she is probably my best bet anyway.

OP posts:
BlackAlys · 05/09/2021 19:48

I hear you OP.
I've been treated differently to an older brother and because I was regarded as the more 'stable' and even tempered/rational, I was always the one who's feelings that were least considered. It's not really about the money - it's the way that you're not thought of being entreated equally. It hurts.

Have you thought about how you're going to broach it?

Your Mum may get so defensive - be careful.

BlackAlys · 05/09/2021 19:49

*treated

Billybagpuss · 05/09/2021 19:54

Good luck💐

BreadInCaptivity · 05/09/2021 20:14

Good luck tomorrow OP Thanks

Chloemol · 05/09/2021 20:28

@Bethany7

IHT will only be payable over the thread hold of £325, however if the home is left to children it’s £500k, and if one dies before the other and doesn’t use all their IHT allowance it can be added to the remaining persons allowance

IHT may not be payable

RandomMess · 05/09/2021 20:31

I would tread carefully in case the arrangement is that DSis is actually meant to be paying your DP rent.

Macncheeseballs · 05/09/2021 20:35

I would definitely bring it up with your mum, don't 'back off', terrible advice, good luck

Abitofalark · 05/09/2021 21:01

Good for you - glad that you are meeting your mum. It's better to talk in person rather than on the telephone.

billy1966 · 05/09/2021 21:52

OP,

So this is just the icing on the cake.

How any parent could be so shite as to insist birthday cake should be shared to prevent jealous is hard to understand.

It is the hallmark of utterly shite parenting and hence you are where you are.

They have always favoured her clearly and rewarded her selfishness.

You actually have nothing to lose by asking your mother to clarify and registering your deep hurt if the intend to go ahead.

If they do this your relationship will be hugely impacted whether you bring it up or not.

The sour taste will mean contact will be an open sore that will never heal.

Monestera · 05/09/2021 21:55

I'm really glad you're going to talk this over with your mum.

LizzieW1969 · 05/09/2021 22:11

I agree with PPs that you should talk to your mum about this rather than letting it fester. They really are being very foolish in their decisions and totally unfair on you and your DB. (And your sister sounds very grasping and entitled.)

Saoirse82 · 05/09/2021 22:19

My parents wouldn't dream of doing this. Not only is it incredibly hurtful to those who receive nothing but it can lead to the breakdown of family relationships because of resentment, similar has happened in my wider family.
If I was your sister I wouldn't accept this offer knowing my siblings got nothing. My relationship with my sister is more precious than bricks and mortar and I wouldn't allow her to be treated like this either so she's as guilty as your parents. I think you and your brother need to sit down and speak with your parents, if they have any decency they won't do this. It's really hurtful and not about money.

dayswithaY · 05/09/2021 22:19

Hmm, I tried to be honest with my Mum when she did something similar. I said they weren't treating all their children the same which is unfair. She argued back that it was fair, then she told my siblings what a mean and nasty person I was for upsetting her.

They all agreed with her, despite saying to my face that I was right but massively backtracked as they didn't want to upset her in case they missed out financially.

So, the only person prepared to talk about what was going on got punished for it.

Honesty doesn't always work.

BoredZelda · 06/09/2021 09:34

My grandmas rule was: if you give it to one child, then you give it to them all.

This was my grandma’s rule. She went to live with my mum for 15 years before she died. Mum paid to extend her house (which is making it hard to sell now), she had to go part time at work so she could take grandma to appointments, take her shopping as grandma wouldn’t go at the weekend. The cost of that added up (as did her increased utility bills). She had to arrange all the carers when it got too much, she had to put up with constant criticism from her mother that things weren’t done right, refusing to co-operate with carers or use any of the mobility aids mum got. Her siblings were useless, not only not helping but actively making it harder for mum. And at the end “all my children must get the same” seemed like a real slap in the face. Especially when this meant inviting them in to my mothers home and letting them pick it clean of the furniture and keepsakes they wanted, leaving her to have to do the final clear out without them.

Equal doesn’t mean same. Same isn’t always fair.

billy1966 · 06/09/2021 10:40

@BoredZelda

My grandmas rule was: if you give it to one child, then you give it to them all.

This was my grandma’s rule. She went to live with my mum for 15 years before she died. Mum paid to extend her house (which is making it hard to sell now), she had to go part time at work so she could take grandma to appointments, take her shopping as grandma wouldn’t go at the weekend. The cost of that added up (as did her increased utility bills). She had to arrange all the carers when it got too much, she had to put up with constant criticism from her mother that things weren’t done right, refusing to co-operate with carers or use any of the mobility aids mum got. Her siblings were useless, not only not helping but actively making it harder for mum. And at the end “all my children must get the same” seemed like a real slap in the face. Especially when this meant inviting them in to my mothers home and letting them pick it clean of the furniture and keepsakes they wanted, leaving her to have to do the final clear out without them.

Equal doesn’t mean same. Same isn’t always fair.

That sounds just awful and very unfair but your mother chose to put up with a mother like that and move her into her home.

That was HER choice and IMO, a bad one.

Your poor mother giving up so much for someone who clearly neither appreciated or deserved it.

FlyingSoHigh · 06/09/2021 12:12

My younger brother is the golden child and has been bought a car, a house, plus lots of other support. The issue is he genuinely believes he deserves to be treated differently. When I have tried to discuss it with him, he just shrugs it off. My mum also won't accept she's doing anything wrong. In my experience tackling the issue head on has not achieved anything.
It was covid that drove it home to me - I did all her shopping and errands because (and I quote) she knew it was no problem for me to do her shopping but she couldn't trouble my brother as it was too much to ask. I've done all the heavy lifting for years with her, but it means nothing.
I've now gone LC with them both. And I feel much happier for it.

HeckyPeck · 06/09/2021 13:38

Good luck OP. I hope the conversation goes ok

2catsandhappy · 06/09/2021 14:21

Not to derail thread but @FlyingSoHigh I don't know if it was an easy decision or a difficult one, but good for you! Blatent unfairness is such a bitter pill to swallow. You rock! xx

billy1966 · 06/09/2021 14:40

@FlyingSoHigh

Good for you for finally standing up for yourself.

BettyAndFrank · 06/09/2021 18:38

She’s obviously the golden child…
I’d disengage from all of them (apart from your brother) but first I’d be having it out with them all…

Bonheurdupasse · 07/09/2021 10:29

Well done @FlyingSoHigh!

OP given what you said about birthdays your parents have been awful to you.
Talk to your mother but she will probably tell you it’s all fine and you are creating a problem and being unfair.

1990b · 07/09/2021 10:36

It's wrong. You deserve the same king of help as your sister and so does your brother. Sadly, it is the same in my family as my parents are bequething everything to my 2 brothers and refuse to give us anything despite it being a religious obligation.

I vowed not to do this with my own kids as l don't want them resenting me.

igotdemons · 07/09/2021 11:01

I sympathise OP as I’ve been dealing with this kind of thing since I was a teenager and I’m in my 40’s now.

My eldest DSis is also the golden child and my DP’s have given her thousands and thousands over the last 30 years. Even as a teenager I knew this was wrong and I had many arguments with my DP’s over it, to no avail. I ended up moving out when I was 18 and they were both at work, just leaving them a note about how the situation made it impossible for me to live there anymore. I didn’t speak to them for 3 either years after that. 2 of my siblings haven’t spoken or seen them now for over 10 years, due to the situation causing lots of resentment.

My DSis is in her 50’s now with a husband, grown up children etc. and they’re still giving her money, despite now being retired and not having a lot of it themselves. The latest thing was a ‘loan’ for them to buy a car. It’s been 2 years now and they haven’t paid a single penny back and I don’t think they will either. I am sickened that 2 people in their 50’s would tap a 75 year old pensioner up for thousands for a car but then they have no shame.

In the end, the only way I deal with it is to distance myself from it all. I have a relationship with my DP’s but that’s as far as it goes. I’ve never asked either of them for money (I never would) and I feel proud of that fact. My DH is always shocked by the things that go on in my family and feels sad for me that I have to be the way that I am but it’s the only way I can survive without resentment building up, which isn’t healthy for me.

Don’t let it eat you up and be proud of the achievements you’ve made and continue to make without your DP’s help.

Missusblusky1 · 08/09/2021 19:11

Any update OP?

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