I don’t want to resent my sister. Parent favouritism?

[DontWantTheRivalry]

Named changed for this post so it can’t be linked to my other threads….

My sister is 43 - I am 39 and we have a brother who is 36

My sister has two sons aged 14 and 16 and she split with their dad about five years ago - it was an amicable and joint decision. He has since married (not had any more children) but he continues to see his sons often and pays more maintenance than his CMS contribution dictates. He’s very decent when it comes to financially supporting his sons and he often gives them money for extras and pays for the school uniforms and their hobbies and sports costs etc.

My sister has a job where her take home pay is about £1’400. On top of this she receives benefits (not exactly what or how much) and she also gets given £150 a month by one of our family members to “put towards her living costs”. And of course, she has the maintenance payments too (and extra) from her Ex.

Her rent is £700 and then she obviously has the bills and food costs.

As an aside, my sister doesn’t know that I know about the monthly £150 she gets given from our relative.

She has a great social life, is out most weekends, always has new clothes, frequently ordering take-outs, getting Ubers everywhere, always spending money on something, city breaks with her friends every few months etc - you get the picture. Fair enough, she must have a nice amount of excess money left after her rent and bills and can obviously use it as she likes.

However, last month our parents decided that as some of her benefits will stop over the next two years when the boys leave education, they want to use all their savings to buy her a house so she doesn’t have to worry about any rent or mortgage costs. We are talking about £200k worth of savings.

My sister is obviously over the moon and they have started looking at houses.

I love my sister very much but I’m struggling to not feel resentful about this.

So not only will she have a nicer house of her own, she will be rent/mortgage free for her foreseeable future and so her financial situation will massively improve as well as being given her own property. It seems like such a huge thing to be given seeing as she’s hardly in a dire financial situation that she needs to be rescued from.

I see some horror stories on here about sibling favouritism and I always feel aghast that parents can treat their children so differently. Our parents have always bailed her out for as long as I can remember, she never has to take responsibility for herself because she has this expectation/entitlement that our parents will always financially assist her. It’s been like this for the last two decades so it’s almost conditioned into her that the pattern will continue. I know this is probably the fault of our parents and not necessarily hers.

Our brother is clearly pissed off but he’s not one to talk about his feelings.

I haven’t said anything to my sister or our parents but I’m struggling to not feel hurt.

AIBU to feel like this?

Well done for speaking out OP.

I know it might seem unfair

Yes it seems unfair because it is unfair as agreed to by the number of people on this thread.

At least now you'll never have to live with the regret of thinking you should have spoken out but failed to do so.

Your sister has shown her true colours hasn't she? You'd think she'd be worried her siblings were upset and re-assess, but no. She's having a strop.

As for your mother, she's in utter denial. This gift will cost them more than money. It will cost the respect and love of two out of their three children.

Optimistically it's possible she spoke to your sister because your conversation means she's re-thinking this decision and this is why your sister is pissed off - but that's probably a long shot.

Have you spoken to your brother about the conversation and if so, what was his reaction?

Your dsis is probably envious you can manage your own life and be a real Grown Up. Not an oversized teen sponging off relatives and oversharing on social media...

Out of interest
How do you know all of your sister’s finances?

So your sister gets a house now. But then there will be the rest of the inhertance later?

Marking my place here because my brother is the golden child and they project all of their low self esteem issues on to me. any attempts to stand up for myself are met with instant martyrdom on their parts. They are the victims of hurting me.

I'm definitely not the Golden child but I hope this perspective is useful OP. My parents did give me 100k towards my house (I had the rest) when I left my abusive x. It wouldn't be safe to have contact with him. I have a secure job but it's not particularly well paid.

I have always been grateful and always always expressed my gratitude to my parents, sincerely and regularly, and yet it's not enough for them, as well as gratitude, they want absolute compliance, and reverence.

Any time I assert some independence from the family hive mind I'm branded paranoid, dramatic, ridiculous etc..... There is one perspective and it's my mother's. Boundaries aren't allowed in our family.

I asked my mum not to leave books on my bed and she said she couldn't cope with my nasty behavior.

I am not in contact with my family any more because I told her she had hurt me and it turns out that I forfeited the right to be hurt when I took money for my house. I must express one emotion only, gratitude and I must do it compliantly and with a smile staple gunned on to my face, even when they have shocked me doing things I asked them twice not to do.

I cannot cope with her complete inability to accept even the smallest amount of feedback. She still wants the parent // child, Authoritarian/compliance relationship with me whereas she not only treats my brother as an equal but in fact, sort of reveres him, he could be talking about fibre optic cables and she'll hang on his every word.

My parents both have low self-esteems I think and they look up to him so much and he sees everything (every fall out, every time I've ever pushed back against their controlling behavior) through their lens. So I've ended up with a house but no family. I have been mobbed and they all feel I am ungrateful I'm not, I just cannot be around a family so united in their erosion of me.

So, taking generosity from your family is not without its pitfalls.

As a working single parent I might have be ''ok'' without their help but I would always have worried about my future and my inability to get on the ladder. So they have helped me and I am grateful but warn your sister to make it clear what is expected in return. What is it that our parents understand to mean ''gratitude''.

I would cause great offence and shock in my family if i said this but my brother has also done extremely well out of my parents but in the family dynamics it would be offensively shocking for me to bring that up but they all bring up how ungrateful I am (this is proved by my having my own interpretation of events sometimes).

Family of origin dynamics...........

I can't believe that she gets a house because she doesn't have a husband!

@CatsArePeople

So your sister gets a house now. But then there will be the rest of the inhertance later?

Yes, this.

I got money while they were still alive but my brother gets a house worth about five times as much when they die. Yet, the onus is on me to personify Gratitude as a human being, while he gets to live his life and have his own views and perspectives and interpretations and they respect him and they use me to make themselves feel superior.

I am not the chaotic, dramatic person they project on to me but they really need me to be a loser. I'm not, but that's who they need me to be.

Yet, the onus is on me to personify Gratitude as a human being

Gifts of property or large sums always come with strings attached. While property is nice, the strings can be the real burden.

With care costs etc there is never a guarantee of inheritance or they can change their will and leave it to the cats home.

My parents gifted the DC £500 each when my brother finally had children. Then went on how I should invest it like brother was for his.

My DC were adults and teens by this point. I pointed out to my Dad that no I couldn't it was too late.

My DB and his kids always benefit far more from me and mine. We were utterly broke when the DC were young whilst he's a high earner. The dynamics just go on and on but I leave them to it.

Wills have been rewritten so his DC get more than mine too 🤷🏽‍♀️

@Sagaz

I'm definitely not the Golden child but I hope this perspective is useful OP. My parents did give me 100k towards my house (I had the rest) when I left my abusive x. It wouldn't be safe to have contact with him. I have a secure job but it's not particularly well paid.

I have always been grateful and always always expressed my gratitude to my parents, sincerely and regularly, and yet it's not enough for them, as well as gratitude, they want absolute compliance, and reverence.

Any time I assert some independence from the family hive mind I'm branded paranoid, dramatic, ridiculous etc..... There is one perspective and it's my mother's. Boundaries aren't allowed in our family.

I asked my mum not to leave books on my bed and she said she couldn't cope with my nasty behavior.

I am not in contact with my family any more because I told her she had hurt me and it turns out that I forfeited the right to be hurt when I took money for my house. I must express one emotion only, gratitude and I must do it compliantly and with a smile staple gunned on to my face, even when they have shocked me doing things I asked them twice not to do.

I cannot cope with her complete inability to accept even the smallest amount of feedback. She still wants the parent // child, Authoritarian/compliance relationship with me whereas she not only treats my brother as an equal but in fact, sort of reveres him, he could be talking about fibre optic cables and she'll hang on his every word.

My parents both have low self-esteems I think and they look up to him so much and he sees everything (every fall out, every time I've ever pushed back against their controlling behavior) through their lens. So I've ended up with a house but no family. I have been mobbed and they all feel I am ungrateful I'm not, I just cannot be around a family so united in their erosion of me.

So, taking generosity from your family is not without its pitfalls.

As a working single parent I might have be ''ok'' without their help but I would always have worried about my future and my inability to get on the ladder. So they have helped me and I am grateful but warn your sister to make it clear what is expected in return. What is it that our parents understand to mean ''gratitude''.

I would cause great offence and shock in my family if i said this but my brother has also done extremely well out of my parents but in the family dynamics it would be offensively shocking for me to bring that up but they all bring up how ungrateful I am (this is proved by my having my own interpretation of events sometimes).

Family of origin dynamics...........

But did your mother become like this only after they gave you the money?

Good morning OP. I hope you are ok and that things are settling down with your sister. I have been following your thread and was just wondering if your DPs had reconsidered the position since your conversation with your DM.