I don’t want to resent my sister. Parent favouritism?

[DontWantTheRivalry]

Named changed for this post so it can’t be linked to my other threads….

My sister is 43 - I am 39 and we have a brother who is 36

My sister has two sons aged 14 and 16 and she split with their dad about five years ago - it was an amicable and joint decision. He has since married (not had any more children) but he continues to see his sons often and pays more maintenance than his CMS contribution dictates. He’s very decent when it comes to financially supporting his sons and he often gives them money for extras and pays for the school uniforms and their hobbies and sports costs etc.

My sister has a job where her take home pay is about £1’400. On top of this she receives benefits (not exactly what or how much) and she also gets given £150 a month by one of our family members to “put towards her living costs”. And of course, she has the maintenance payments too (and extra) from her Ex.

Her rent is £700 and then she obviously has the bills and food costs.

As an aside, my sister doesn’t know that I know about the monthly £150 she gets given from our relative.

She has a great social life, is out most weekends, always has new clothes, frequently ordering take-outs, getting Ubers everywhere, always spending money on something, city breaks with her friends every few months etc - you get the picture. Fair enough, she must have a nice amount of excess money left after her rent and bills and can obviously use it as she likes.

However, last month our parents decided that as some of her benefits will stop over the next two years when the boys leave education, they want to use all their savings to buy her a house so she doesn’t have to worry about any rent or mortgage costs. We are talking about £200k worth of savings.

My sister is obviously over the moon and they have started looking at houses.

I love my sister very much but I’m struggling to not feel resentful about this.

So not only will she have a nicer house of her own, she will be rent/mortgage free for her foreseeable future and so her financial situation will massively improve as well as being given her own property. It seems like such a huge thing to be given seeing as she’s hardly in a dire financial situation that she needs to be rescued from.

I see some horror stories on here about sibling favouritism and I always feel aghast that parents can treat their children so differently. Our parents have always bailed her out for as long as I can remember, she never has to take responsibility for herself because she has this expectation/entitlement that our parents will always financially assist her. It’s been like this for the last two decades so it’s almost conditioned into her that the pattern will continue. I know this is probably the fault of our parents and not necessarily hers.

Our brother is clearly pissed off but he’s not one to talk about his feelings.

I haven’t said anything to my sister or our parents but I’m struggling to not feel hurt.

AIBU to feel like this?

I don't think I could stay silent; about this and the £150.

Then I'd take a massive step back from everyone but your brother. There is no way your sister is going to step up and help your parents when they are older. Not only is it not in her nature your parents won't want to burden her either, that will be you.

@adoreyou

If they wanted to make it "fair"

Could they not buy a property and put it in all 3 of your names?
Your sister can then live there... Possibly pay a reduced "rent" to you and your brother?
That's the only way I can see them being able to do it without causing serious upset.

If they go ahead OP, as currently planned, I don't blame you for being upset and would find it very hard not to say something!

Oh god no no no no NO!

Can you imagine the bother & stress the sister could cause with this arrangement?

& what happens years down the line, when OP or DB want to sell the shared property that their sister is a part-owner of & sitting tenant in?

How do you think that will go, with the form the sister has for selfishness & entitlement?

@Disfordarkchocolate

I don't think I could stay silent; about this and the £150.

Then I'd take a massive step back from everyone but your brother. There is no way your sister is going to step up and help your parents when they are older. Not only is it not in her nature your parents won't want to burden her either, that will be you.

This.

The expectation that your parents do this and life continues on as normal is hugely unrealistic IMO.

Your parents age and they burden you whilst feckless sister has the life, subsidised forever by them?

Self respect is the issue.

In my last post where the daughters completely turned their back on their parents 10 years ago it was due to self respect.

They had been reared in a home where the son was king and the girls just got on with it.
Well as children they accepted it as that was the way things were and they had no choice.

However as adults they could speak up and state clearly their problem with what their parents proposed to do.

Their parents disregarded them and went ahead.

The went low contact as was their right.

They have NO DOUBT their brother sought a job at the other side of the country so as not to be caught with any caring duties.

He sold their fine home and they will spend their remaining funds on care as their 3 daughters have zero contact with them now, nor do their 10 grandchildren.

The inheritance was the icing on a bitter cake of their brother being a spoiled child.

It's very sad for the parents as they age to know their precious son doesn't give a shit about them and their three daughters have ben alienated by their actions to such an extent.

I think anything other that an even split would have to be okay by the children honestly.

I would be devastated to think our actions would cause a split amongst out children.

Even split is the safest route.

My dad just phoned me but I couldn’t bring myself to answer the phone. It will just be for our usual weekend chat but I can’t talk to him like this very thing is okay.

I honestly don’t know what the answer is. They’ve made their choice, they’re already looking for houses so it’s not like things are in the early stages. There’s no going back really as it seems to be a forgone conclusion now.

I have accepted I can’t change it - I just don’t know how to move on from it

Maybe there is another reason they are doing this, perhaps they want to buy your sister a house to live in the hope of escaping care home fees in the long run. At 66 and 69 it is in unlikely to be quite some time before they need to think about it, but sometimes the conversations/ideas take place years in advance.

That being said if that was their intention they should be making it clear to you as such a big gift to your sister would - quite rightly - make you feel like she was being favoured.

I have a sibling who regularly gets handouts from my parents and although I don't want or need it, sometimes it does sting a bit.

*likely to be quite some time

If they wanted her on the housing ladder they could just give her a deposit and she could pay the mortgage. She doesnt need a whole, gift wrapped house.

You have to speak up or walk away OP. This will destroy your relationship w your parents anyway if you try and pretend it's not happening.

This is extremely unfair and also short sighted. Your sister is unlikely to be able to afford the upkeep unless her income and commonsense increase drastically. How is she supposed to furnish the house ? Are they paying for that as well? I'd query whether your parents have thought this through without the rose tinted glasses. Your parents are relatively young, and if all their savings are going into this, will have no financial cushion either and maybe your sister needs to be reminded of this. As angry as you maybe about this (and I would bloody furious ) an open and honest conversation may need to be had that explains in simple terms why they're doing this and what are the longterm plans for when your sister hits problems. Most importantly they need to know how much this hurts you and your brother.

Speak to them about it.

Mum, Dad - why are you buying sister a house outright? You’re leaving yourself with no money in retirement and you might need it. Wouldn’t it be better to help her with a deposit so she can get a mortgage? You haven’t given brother or me any money to get on the property ladder so it seems a bit weird.

There is nothing wrong with telling your parents that you are hurt they are buying your sister a house when you and your DB get nothing and if your sister has money to go out partying every weekend she has money to save towards buying a house herself.

@DontWantTheRivalry

My dad just phoned me but I couldn’t bring myself to answer the phone. It will just be for our usual weekend chat but I can’t talk to him like this very thing is okay.

I honestly don’t know what the answer is. They’ve made their choice, they’re already looking for houses so it’s not like things are in the early stages. There’s no going back really as it seems to be a forgone conclusion now.

I have accepted I can’t change it - I just don’t know how to move on from it

Nothing is done until they've bought a house.

Frankly I don't understand your reluctance to speak to your parents about it.

They currently have no idea how you feel and the consequences of this (frankly ridiculous) plan that are already starting to manifest by you not wanting to pick up the phone.

You've got nothing to lose by talking to them because if you don't your relationship is soured anyway.

I simply don't think there is a way of getting past something like this.

It's not about the money. It the total lack of regard for the feelings of the less favoured children - something that stings all the more when the gift in this place is utter overkill wrt your sisters financial circumstances.

There’s no going back really as it seems to be a forgone conclusion now.

I have accepted I can’t change it - I just don’t know how to move on from it

You can speak up - it’s very defeatist to say it’s a forgone conclusion etc. Perhaps they genuinely haven’t considered the implications of this. Have a discussion. I can’t think why you wouldn’t.

OP I get how you’re feeling. On older sibling of mine used to ban my parents from celebrating my birthday with me because she would get jealous if she wasn’t invited. Then they used to go and celebrate her birthday in secret, oh but she used to tell me about the secret afterwards with glee. I pulled them up on it and they replied with you know how volatile she can be so we did it for an easy life…

Not the same as your situation I know but having it out with them could cause more hurt, I don’t think you’ll get the answer you want. I’ve stepped back massively from mine now and it appears they haven’t noticed…! At least you have your brother to speak to about it though. I’m not sure what the answer is but I feel for you

Well this has dredged up some memories. My DB was always the Golden Child with DM and when my DTB died aged 5 it was like my DM put DB on a pedestal. While my DF was alive I coped but after he died the favouritism was blatant.
DM said that her estate would be divided equally . It wasn’t. It emerged that she had signed over the house to DB shortly after DF died . He also was given a large sum of money .
I ended up with £10000 whereas if DM had kept her word I should have had nearly £200000. Keeping in mind she died 30 years ago so it was a LOT of money .
I sat in the lawyer’s office absolutely dumbstruck , my DB said nothing .
I got up and left . The lawyer phoned me later and said that DM insisted that was to happen.
It goes without saying that relationship with my DB is difficult. It wasn’t just about the money it was the fact I felt so inferior, so sidelined so unloved .

I know how you feel but based on my own experience, there's probably nothing you can do. They will just say that well you already own a house, so what are you talking about? And of course they would also help you if you needed it, like your poor sister..
I mean sure you can try, but don't be disappointed if any talks don't give you what you want.

On the face of it, it would have made more sense for them to have given her and her then husband a deposit for a mortgage years ago. Even now, your brother hasn't a house either and it's not clear why they don't give him a deposit and give her a deposit and retain some of their savings. That would also make sense against any potential claim of deprivation of assets - helping two children get on the housing ladder is a very normal thing to do and not a ruse to get the state to pay for care.

The point of difference they may see between you is that she is on her own and you both have the security and support of partners.

They more than likely regard you as 'sorted', having both partner and house but given that you have a good relationship with them, you are well placed to have a conversation about it, pointing out a couple of things they may not have thought of. They're thinking along a certain line that makes sense to them and probably don't realise how emotional it is for you, although family money is always about emotion.

OP I get how you’re feeling. On older sibling of mine used to ban my parents from celebrating my birthday with me because she would get jealous if she wasn’t invited. Then they used to go and celebrate her birthday in secret, oh but she used to tell me about the secret afterwards with glee. I pulled them up on it and they replied with you know how volatile she can be so we did it for an easy life…

Not the same as your situation I know….

Funnily enough, birthday celebrations were always an issue during our childhood.

Our birthdays are 10 days apart, hers being first. She’d get her presents and birthday cake etc just like any other child but when it came to my birthday 10 days later I had to share it with her. Everyone would buy her presents as well as me and I was always told my birthday cake was to share and we had to blow out the candles together.

I was so upset by it every year….apparently it’s because they didn’t want her to get jealous.

I remember memories of that from when I was about 6 years old. My birthdays were always ruined.

Op everyone is telling you to speak to your parents, so why don't you? Call your dad back and when he says 'how are you doing?' just say, 'tbh dad I'm feeling hurt that you're giving your life savings to sis. Bro feels the same. We feel totally left out and that yet again you're throwing money at sis when all of us could benefit from some financial security.'

Whether they change their mind or not will be very telling. I would suggest they give sis money for a deposit, not a full house purchase. She should be saving not letting others fund her lifestyle. Don't be walked over OP. At least say your piece and leave the ball in their court.

You need to talk to them. You need to tell them how your sister does have surplus income, that she does things you can’t afford. That if she is bought a house our right that leaves her with even more surplus income, whereas you have a mortgage to pay and your brother rent

She can find a job

You also need to tell them about the £150pm

Could you talk to that person? Let them know what’s happening and that she doesn’t need the money?

If they still insist on helping then that would be it for me, I would start to withdraw and would not provide any support to them as they get older. Your sister can do it

@KatharinaRosalie

I know how you feel but based on my own experience, there's probably nothing you can do. They will just say that well you already own a house, so what are you talking about? And of course they would also help you if you needed it, like your poor sister.. I mean sure you can try, but don't be disappointed if any talks don't give you what you want.

That's is of course a possible outcome.

However it's also possible her parents have not fully understood all the implications wrt their financial planning and the wider family fallout.

If she says nothing the plan will go ahead.

If she says something it it might not.

Her relationship with her parents and sister is soured regardless if she says nothing so she's got nothing to lose by talking to them.

At the very least she needs to suggest they speak to a financial advisor about divestment of assets and their own financial situation.

Spending all their savings at this stage of life is absolute madness and more so when reality is the recipient needs them less than they do (whether they appreciate that or not).

I'm pretty sure the OP's parents are absolutely clueless about the financial implications and naive about the impact on the relationship with their other children.

They need to understand this and if they choose to do it regardless then they can't be surprised by the consequences and neither can the sister.

I simply can't fathom the mindset of someone who'd willingly take all their parents life savings in this fashion, especially when her current lifestyle is hardly breadline.

It's beyond greedy. It's reckless, selfish and cruel.

There are ways for the parents to help her by giving her a deposit (if she can afford rent she can afford a mortgage). That money can then be deducted from any share of inheritance in the future.

I can see the merits of giving her £20k to get on the housing ladder but £200k to buy a house outright is overkill.

Given your birthday comment - things are not going to change.

Take a massive step back OP.

Do you/your brother have kids? Next step will be treating the kids differently. Don't let their favouritism ruin their relationships too.

You need to disengage. Do not be dragged down by their care expectations as they get older. The golden child can sort that - after all you will have a mortgage to pay!

Our birthdays are 10 days apart, hers being first. She’d get her presents and birthday cake etc just like any other child but when it came to my birthday 10 days later I had to share it with her. Everyone would buy her presents as well as me and I was always told my birthday cake was to share and we had to blow out the candles together.

This is a pattern then, favouring her. I'd have to say something, and then I would definitely take a huge step back. I don't think I could speak to them several times a week etc.

Also O.P incase your parents are thinking that they will leave their house to you and your brother (assuming it is not sold for their care costs which is becoming more of the norm now) they are mistaken that you would get 100 grand each as the inheritance tax is 40 percent. (Ridiculous)
Your parents have not gone about this in the correct way at all plus if it's because they feel renting is a waste of money they should help you brother too. Your sister could be given a hefty deposit then pay the remaining mortgage herself. Same with your brother. And you should be given a sum of money to perhaps pay towards your own mortgage. That's what would be fair.

I would never be spending a single penny on any of them. Not one.
Backing away seems logical. You are ultimately a second thought...
Sadly op.

Problem is that its their money and they can do what they want with it. I agree with you and feel its morally wrong but I don't think they see it that way. I'd back off a bit xx