I don’t want to resent my sister. Parent favouritism?

[DontWantTheRivalry]

Named changed for this post so it can’t be linked to my other threads….

My sister is 43 - I am 39 and we have a brother who is 36

My sister has two sons aged 14 and 16 and she split with their dad about five years ago - it was an amicable and joint decision. He has since married (not had any more children) but he continues to see his sons often and pays more maintenance than his CMS contribution dictates. He’s very decent when it comes to financially supporting his sons and he often gives them money for extras and pays for the school uniforms and their hobbies and sports costs etc.

My sister has a job where her take home pay is about £1’400. On top of this she receives benefits (not exactly what or how much) and she also gets given £150 a month by one of our family members to “put towards her living costs”. And of course, she has the maintenance payments too (and extra) from her Ex.

Her rent is £700 and then she obviously has the bills and food costs.

As an aside, my sister doesn’t know that I know about the monthly £150 she gets given from our relative.

She has a great social life, is out most weekends, always has new clothes, frequently ordering take-outs, getting Ubers everywhere, always spending money on something, city breaks with her friends every few months etc - you get the picture. Fair enough, she must have a nice amount of excess money left after her rent and bills and can obviously use it as she likes.

However, last month our parents decided that as some of her benefits will stop over the next two years when the boys leave education, they want to use all their savings to buy her a house so she doesn’t have to worry about any rent or mortgage costs. We are talking about £200k worth of savings.

My sister is obviously over the moon and they have started looking at houses.

I love my sister very much but I’m struggling to not feel resentful about this.

So not only will she have a nicer house of her own, she will be rent/mortgage free for her foreseeable future and so her financial situation will massively improve as well as being given her own property. It seems like such a huge thing to be given seeing as she’s hardly in a dire financial situation that she needs to be rescued from.

I see some horror stories on here about sibling favouritism and I always feel aghast that parents can treat their children so differently. Our parents have always bailed her out for as long as I can remember, she never has to take responsibility for herself because she has this expectation/entitlement that our parents will always financially assist her. It’s been like this for the last two decades so it’s almost conditioned into her that the pattern will continue. I know this is probably the fault of our parents and not necessarily hers.

Our brother is clearly pissed off but he’s not one to talk about his feelings.

I haven’t said anything to my sister or our parents but I’m struggling to not feel hurt.

AIBU to feel like this?

You do need to talk to them, ideally as a united front with dB or resentment will grow.

There could be more to the story that you’re unaware of.
My dad bought my sister a beautiful 3 bedroom penthouse overlooking the sea. I was quite cross when I found out but when I talked to him about it he explained that she was essentially paying him the mortgage back, just at her speed and without interests.
You just need to bring it up with them- see what they have to say.

Perhaps your sister has some circumstances you don’t know about.
I wouldn’t mind if my parents gave my siblings something like this and nothing to me though as I don’t need it.
My parents have done their bit by paying for my education, needs etc an I am now in a position to take care of myself. Anything they give me now will be extra I am not expecting.

To answer some previous questions…

In general I would say I’m closer to my parents than my sister is. I see them about once a week and phone them 1-2 times a week, whereas my sister has much less contact than that.

And the house she lives in is the same house she lived in with her Ex. They’d always rented as they’d never been in a position to save up for a large deposit and when they broke up he moved out.

My parents have never previously been bothered about her renting after the split…..yet suddenly, many years later it’s a problem and their solution is to buy her a house.

It just seems to have come out of nowhere.

I would understand it more if my sister was in a difficult financial position but she isn’t - I would love to have money to spend in the same way she does.

My brother has never been close to her, possibly because of the age gap, so he doesn’t feel as hurt as I do because he doesn’t have a particularly significant bond with her, but he’s definitely pissed off at our parents.

And as for our living situations, I have a mortgage with my DH and my brother rents with his long term partner.

It just seems to have come out of nowhere.

Seems that way, but unlikely.
Despite not bothering to see your parents as much as you do, when she does contact them, she's certainly effective in getting what she wants.

I would imagine she's been hinting/complaining behind the scenes, until parents cough up.

Are you going to ask your folks why they are favouring your sister, who has so much more disposable income than you do?
It's unlikely to change their minds, or the situation, but I suspect if you leave it & seethe, it is going to fester.

The other thing you need to work out before you speak to them is maybe what would be acceptable to you, if for example your parents bought a house and she stayed in it, either rent free or minimal rent? Would that work for you.

Do your DP realise that she loses the benefits when the dc are 18 because she shouldn’t need them anymore, they are old enough to get jobs go to uni etc. Buying a house is massively over solving the situation, they could give the dc an allowance to help through uni etc. Their argument that renting is throwing away good money, whilst true, cannot fairly be used when db is also renting.

@Rosiiiiie

There could be more to the story that you’re unaware of. My dad bought my sister a beautiful 3 bedroom penthouse overlooking the sea. I was quite cross when I found out but when I talked to him about it he explained that she was essentially paying him the mortgage back, just at her speed and without interests. You just need to bring it up with them- see what they have to say.

I'd consider that similar though (unless he gave it to her as a loan legally). What if she decides to stop repaying - or he dies before she repays?

One of my aunts was like OP's sister - squeezed parents for all she could, but left it to other siblings to pay for parental care (this was in a foreign country). They never forgave her.

OP you absolutely need to speak to your parents.

This plan is absolutely insane for many reasons:

• They are at an age where they are no longer in a position to replenish these savings. What happens if they need to fund emergency house repairs for example?

• Whilst they do not intend to end up in a home they have no idea what the future will bring. That aside even if they may remain at home they are likely at some point to need some form of care. It might be getting someone to do cleaning/gardening or more intense than that. They will need to fund this.

• They and you need to read up on deprecation of assets. If they need care those assets are liable to be recovered from your sister.

• They are effectively disinheriting you and your brother in f the situation arises that their home needs to be sold to fund care. Yes it's their money and they are not obligated to leave you anything but do they want to be responsible for creating resentment and hurt by treating one child more favourably than the others?

• No financial advisor would recommend a plan such as this. This perhaps is to your benefit as you could suggest they need to speak to a professional before embarking on this course of action.

• if your sister can afford rent, she can afford a mortgage. Lending or even giving her a deposit is one thing. Buying a house outright is quite another and from what you've described totally unnecessary.

• if you don't speak to them now this will just fester and as above it's a really bad plan for your parents even discounting the lack of fairness between the siblings.

YANBU to be upset and you do need to communicate to your parents that you would like to know why.

IME giving a huge inheritance to one favoured child and expecting elder care is deeply flawed.

IME it has caused huge strife and the favoured child has not hesitated to sell their home and move away.

In the one case I know the parents have never heeled the rift with their daughters and don't see them even though they live very close by.

Their brother accepted the family home and built a small two bed for the parents in a corner of the large site tucked away.

Within 5 years he accepted a job across the country and sold the family home for a profit.
He visits very, very occasionally.

He was ways about himself and his sisters weren't suprised, but they have not relented and they have raised their children without their parents involvement.

Really sad and mortifying for their parents.

But the parents brought it upon themselves and have no one to blame but themselves.

Your parents need to be told that if they choose the path of massively favouring one child above the others, they need to accept the consequences.

The consequences will be that you will be very hurt and feel VERY wronged.

The rest is in THEIR hands but they can't say it wasn't spelt out to them.

Thank you everyone for all your thoughts.

I just feel so lousy about it all.

I feel resentment and jealousy towards my sister and I feel so bloody angry. It’s just made me feel so mad.

I feel like just leaving them all to it and stepping back to be honest.

The money she takes each month from one of our relatives is 87 years old……and she just takes it. I could never, ever do that. She just doesn’t care. Where’s her conscience? I just don’t understand it.

She just doesn’t care. Where’s her conscience? I just don’t understand it.

If you spoke with her about it, & asked her about the unfairness to you & DB, what would she say?

Your parents are really dim if they think someone so selfish to take money from an 87 year old is going to step up and be so altruistic as to be their carer if needed.

Highly unlikely IMO.

Take this issue out of the equation

Ans how is your relationship with your parents and sister?

@DontWantTheRivalry

Thank you everyone for all your thoughts.

I just feel so lousy about it all.

I feel resentment and jealousy towards my sister and I feel so bloody angry. It’s just made me feel so mad.

I feel like just leaving them all to it and stepping back to be honest.

The money she takes each month from one of our relatives is 87 years old……and she just takes it. I could never, ever do that. She just doesn’t care. Where’s her conscience? I just don’t understand it.

Well if you don't say anything you'll never know if you could have changed the outcome.

If you do say something and they ignore you then neither your parents or sister ought to be surprised if you back right off from them after that.

Would it be worth speaking to your sister. She seems to have a very take, take attitude so she may not even understand where you are coming from. I would definitely talk to your parents. I would want them to know how hurt I felt and give them a chance to explain or maybe balance out the favouritism. What they did after you had spoken to them would then influence how I decided to react about it. It's possible at the moment that they think you and DBro are happy with the situation. I think it is very unfair and it is important to treat all your children the same.

And how is your relationship with your parents and sister?

I have a great relationship with my parents, I always have, which is why this has shocked me so much.

And as for my relationship with my sister, it’s always been fine. I’ve always thought her to have a selfish streak, but we’ve always got on absolutely fine. I can honestly say we’ve never had a fall out since we were teenagers.

I just feel knocked sideways by it all.

The fact that she is accepting this and revelling in it with glee is making me feel very differently towards her. I hate it. I always considered her to be one of my favourite people….and now, it just feels so different

The fact that she is accepting this and revelling in it with glee is making me feel very differently towards her. I hate it. I always considered her to be one of my favourite people….and now, it just feels so different

Sweetheart, you need to tell her, not us.
We can't give you explanations, or solutions.
Your sister can.

Taking money from her 87-year-old relative every month is so utterly selfish.

You should speak to your parents about it. Maybe the money is a loan or an investment they are thinking they are avoiding inheritance tax if you are in the UK? My parents loaned my single mother sister money so she could buy a house. They had her write into her will that the money was going to be shared by the other siblings.

@DontWantTheRivalry

And how is your relationship with your parents and sister?

I have a great relationship with my parents, I always have, which is why this has shocked me so much.

And as for my relationship with my sister, it’s always been fine. I’ve always thought her to have a selfish streak, but we’ve always got on absolutely fine. I can honestly say we’ve never had a fall out since we were teenagers.

I just feel knocked sideways by it all.

The fact that she is accepting this and revelling in it with glee is making me feel very differently towards her. I hate it. I always considered her to be one of my favourite people….and now, it just feels so different

But you say this has always been the case So baffled you’re shocked

And if you have a great relationship

Then. Talk. To. Them.

Also - do you respect them as people in the sense of being capable adults good with finances etc? Because you are presenting them as very thick individuals who despite knowing their daughters income and lifestyle, seem to think she’s on the bones of her ass

Hi Op.

My situation is a bit different but I thought I’d give you an idea of consequences of these things.
My brother has recently been favoured to the tune of several hundred thousand pounds. There are a bunch of circumstances that resulted in this but they’re long and dull.

At the time mum was talking about doing this I was a bit horrified at her giving away a massive chunk of wealth and so I spoke up and voiced my concerns in a diplomatic way and heavily caveated with ‘but at the end of the day it’s your money!’. My brother was awful to me about it. He bullied and manipulated and aimed fury at me accusing me of being money grabbing (the irony was entirely lost on him). My mum said she understood what I was saying but then insisted on going ahead with the gift. I told her I’d make my peace with it and stay out of it.

This was probably about a year ago. It’s all gone ahead. I have tried to get over my issues with the situation; not only the unfairness between siblings and concerns for mum’s long term financial needs but my resentment of her giving money to a bully of a man who is already pretty well off (he owns a property outright and earns twice as much as my pretty decent salary!). I haven’t been able to get over it. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to speak to my brother again. I’ve tried to stay in touch with mum but it causes me upset and stress every time she mentions anything related to the situation. I don’t think she meant to meant to cause an upset or basically send the message that she loves him more than me but that is the way it feels.

I barely see her anymore as I no longer trust her and it’s really sad. Perhaps you’re more resilient than me and won’t suffer as much but tread carefully if you do say anything or if you decide to say nothing. It’s bloody miserable either way I think and this could destroy the family ties you have. Be prepared for the worst and hope for the best.

I would speak to them too OP.

If she's earning well and in a stable job why can't they just gift her the minimum deposit she needs to get a mortgage? They could then give the same gift to all their children without causing resentment.

Also - do you respect them as people in the sense of being capable adults good with finances etc? Because you are presenting them as very thick individuals who despite knowing their daughters income and lifestyle, seem to think she’s on the bones of her ass

I think my parents are being very thick. They are kidding themselves, or in denial or something….I have absolutely no idea why they think my sister is in dire straits.

All her social media profile does (which both parents can see) is show how she’s off out every weekend and spending money.

It feels like my parents have lost their minds.

If they wanted to make it "fair"

Could they not buy a property and put it in all 3 of your names?
Your sister can then live there... Possibly pay a reduced "rent" to you and your brother?
That's the only way I can see them being able to do it without causing serious upset.

If they go ahead OP, as currently planned, I don't blame you for being upset and would find it very hard not to say something!

Your sister is a scrounging leech.

I'd be very very upset with all of them tbh and would have to voice it.