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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD15 has been accused of assaulting another girl

225 replies

Inapickle5 · 03/09/2021 10:04

Morning all, not sure what I’m after here but here goes…

DD15 has been accused of assaulting another girl last night (call her Emily). The backstory is that DD had a boyfriend for around 6 months and they were together up until around 3 weeks ago. This boy is now seeing Emily who lives in the same village as us and understandably DD is very upset about it. It was her first boyfriend and DD also use to be friends with Emily. Anyway, we had a chat about it a couple of weeks ago and she seemed to be OK, spending a lot of time with her friends instead. I know that she’s been looking forward to going back to school to see some of her other friends that she’s not been able to visit during the holidays. I thought she was OK and over this boy as she hasn’t really spoken about him since the break up.

DD went out yesterday with a couple of her friends, her curfew is 10pm at the moment.
Around 8:30pm there was a knock on the door from Emily’s mum. We know each other as it’s a very small village and our families have grown up together. She was very upset and explained that DD had assaulted Emily, apparently grabbing her arm and leaving a mark/bruise, DD had also been rude to Emily’s mum. I didn’t really get the backstory from her as she was so flustered at the time and then left but did say that she would be logging it with the police. I immediately phoned DD and told her to come home. She’s explained her side of the story which matches up with some of the information that Emily’s mum gave me, but has denied putting her hands on Emily. There were some messages exchanged over Instagram between the two of them, calling each other names and arguing over this boy. Emily then said to DD “come up to my house and we will have it out here”. DD has shown me these messages.

DD then went up to the house and they both started arguing in the street. The boy was upstairs apparently. Emily’s mum then came out to see what was going on and told DD to go inside with them to talk about it. Two of DD friends stayed outside and waited for her. Emily’s mum started asking them questions as she didn’t know why they were fighting. At that point the girls starting arguing again and DD called Emily a “bitch” and so Emily’s mum told DD to get out. This is when DD apparently grabbed Emily by the arm and assaulted her. DD has a different story and has said that when she got up to leave Emily’s mum pushed DD out the front door.

DD has shown me a picture that Emily has put up in some group chat of her arm. I’ve taken DD’s phone off her for the time being so she cannot contact these people, but I’m really not sure what to do at this point. By no means is DD an angel and I will be having a serious chat with her at some point about all of this but I really don’t believe that she’s hurt Emily. She’s been truthful with me about all of the messages, swearing and admitted to calling Emily a nasty name but she’s still denying that she assaulted her. Ive not heard anything from the police or Emily’s mum but I don't want to contact Emily's mum and cause another argument. Should I give the police a ring myself and log it with them but explain what DD has told me? I don't want DD to be in trouble, believe me she's in enough trouble at home. I don't believe that Emily is an angel either and she was clearly winding DD up in the messages. They are both as bad as each other imo. I I just have no idea how to handle this situation and any advice would be appreciated...

OP posts:
AnneElliott · 03/09/2021 12:59

I think the judgement of Emily's mum leaves a lot to be desired - why did she invite your DD in? Surely best to tell DD to go home and Emily to come inside.

I don't think it's impossible that Emily's mum pushed your DD. Odd that she came to you before going to the police. If I thought it was a police matter I'd call them straight away.

I think I'd call Emily's mum and tell her that DD alleges that she pushed her. Put her on notice that a child is saying she was assaulted by an adult. Then I'd sit tight and see what happened. Plus of course making sure the two girls don't come into contact. Obviously if the police come calling then don't let your DD admit anything or accept a caution.

Hemingwaycat · 03/09/2021 13:02

I’d be inclined to believe the fully grown woman over either of the teenagers but maybe that’s just me. What would the Mother gain out of lying about this not only to you but also to the police? It’s quite serious to lie to the police, I don’t understand why anyone in their right mind would bother doing this.

Tomnooktoldmeto · 03/09/2021 13:06

In your place the only thing I would do right now is make sure school are aware so they can stop it spilling over into education

I don’t believe the mum, I’m sure your DD hasn’t told you everything either but the adult in this situation was biased

The wrist injury doesn’t add up as others have explained and the mother should have kept her hands to herself as touching your child is a no no

This boy is quite a number isn’t he? Any decent friend wouldn’t have pulled this number so your DD is well shot of this boy but have you checked she’s ok? at 15 does she need any sexual health checks?

Hopefully it will all settle if no one else stokes the flames, DD will have learnt a valuable lesson about boys and friends, I personally wouldn’t be too harsh on her she must be hurting pretty badly from this

QueenBee52 · 03/09/2021 13:09

All 3 are lying ....

you'll never get to the truth but I do think your DD was set up.. and that she was naive to go to that house .. 🌸

QueenBee52 · 03/09/2021 13:09

@Tomnooktoldmeto

In your place the only thing I would do right now is make sure school are aware so they can stop it spilling over into education

I don’t believe the mum, I’m sure your DD hasn’t told you everything either but the adult in this situation was biased

The wrist injury doesn’t add up as others have explained and the mother should have kept her hands to herself as touching your child is a no no

This boy is quite a number isn’t he? Any decent friend wouldn’t have pulled this number so your DD is well shot of this boy but have you checked she’s ok? at 15 does she need any sexual health checks?

Hopefully it will all settle if no one else stokes the flames, DD will have learnt a valuable lesson about boys and friends, I personally wouldn’t be too harsh on her she must be hurting pretty badly from this

yip 🌸

MrsRobbieHart · 03/09/2021 13:10

The wrist injury doesn’t add up as others have explained and the mother should have kept her hands to herself as touching your child is a no no

IF the OPs dd was grabbing Emily’s wrist then surely it was reasonable for the mother to physically intervene to stop her daughter being hurt?

user1471554720 · 03/09/2021 13:18

The other girl's mum would lie and set your daughter up to look bad. Anyone who believes that mums won't lie is incredibly naive.

Your daughter should not have gone to their house as it makes her look like she was running after them.

She should tell pastoral care at school, keep away from this girl and social media, and learn from the experience.

Thatsplentyjack · 03/09/2021 13:23

@MrsRobbieHart

Exactly
I'm not sure what point you are trying to make Confused
MrsRobbieHart · 03/09/2021 13:25

The point I’m making is that OPs dd didn’t want her mum to know what happened because she knew she’d behaved badly.

QueenBee52 · 03/09/2021 13:31

@MrsRobbieHart

The point I’m making is that OPs dd didn’t want her mum to know what happened because she knew she’d behaved badly.

or she knew her Mum would be annoyed that she was naive enough to go to the girls house and be set up ...

TheChiefJo · 03/09/2021 13:31

@LolaButt

Why would your daughter be grabbing the other girl as she was walking out the door?

Doesn’t make sense to me. Makes more sense that the mum has got a bit handy with your daughter and has then promptly shit herself as she knows she’s overstepped.

This.

Emily did the 'come on over here then' message and then her mother invited your DD in - alone - before kicking her out again. My gut tells me to believe your DD. I think it all sounds like Emily's mum has fucked up.

TheChiefJo · 03/09/2021 13:36

Also, I can't imagine the police will be terribly impressed by the message Emily sent asking DD to come over, that's an escalation from just name calling. And an adult inviting someone else's child in alone to continue a fight out of public view is supremely irresponsible at best.

As other pp have said, do not accept a caution and ask for a solicitor before considering any more than no comment.

Thatsplentyjack · 03/09/2021 13:54

@MrsRobbieHart

The point I’m making is that OPs dd didn’t want her mum to know what happened because she knew she’d behaved badly.
And the adult who invited the ops dd into the house alone and then shoved her?

Of course she didn't want her mum to know! That doesn't mean she's lying like you are implying.

Thatsplentyjack · 03/09/2021 13:55

Very strange that the mother came to chap on your door to tell you she is going to contact the police. Either she would just do it, or she's threatening that because she is trying to cover her tracks.

FlumpsAreShit · 03/09/2021 14:04

@MrsRobbieHart

Is it so crazy to think that Emily might have marked herself and then tried to blame DD or that Emily's mum pushed DD in the heat of the moment and then realised what had happened?

How can people say that DD is definitely guilty when there's no proof? Yes, she has a mark on her wrist but how do we know that Emily didn't do that to herself?

You’re understandably defensive OP but you need to be realistic. Do you really think they had this altercation at Emily’s and then pretty much immediately Emily was smart enough to injure herself and either tell her mum your DD did it when she wasn’t looking or get her mother to lie and say DD did it and then go straight round to yours to tell you about it?

You need to screw your head back on your shoulders.

This ^
zingally · 03/09/2021 14:09

The police won't give a tiny rats a$$ about a 15 year old girl with a slightly bruised arm.

Teenagers get into scraps.

The police will laugh them out of the building.

putthetubeinthebin · 03/09/2021 14:47

@MrsRobbieHart

The point I’m making is that OPs dd didn’t want her mum to know what happened because she knew she’d behaved badly.
Yeah my dd wouldn't want me to know she'd put herself in danger going in to the house
Confusedandshaken · 03/09/2021 14:55

Everyone needs to calm down!

if the mum carries through her threat to repeat this I doubt very much the police will take much notice. One teenage girl grabbing another girls arm is not the crime of the century. if they do visit I doubt that it will even get as far as a caution but if it does you know not to accept it. It’s not going to go any further than that. The courts are backed up with serious crimes atm. They don’t waste time and money over a teenage squabble conducted in the presence of a parent.

Hopefully this will be a wake up call to your daughter not to lay her hands on other people or to get into playground fights about boys. Ground her snd hope this doesn’t carry over into school.

MrsRobbieHart · 03/09/2021 15:50

or she knew her Mum would be annoyed that she was naive enough to go to the girls house and be set up

Possibly. But I doubt it tbh.

MrsRobbieHart · 03/09/2021 15:52

And the adult who invited the ops dd into the house alone and then shoved her?

I’m not sure what you’re asking? The adult went and told the OP of the incident. The DD didn’t. That is my point.

Of course she didn't want her mum to know! That doesn't mean she's lying like you are implying.

I’m not implying it, I’m saying it. Like many others who had also read the same information I have. I think the DD is lying about grabbing the girl. I’m not sure if she is lying about the woman pushing her though. I could see that happening in the alternation if DD did grab her daughter.

AngelDelightUk · 03/09/2021 15:55

I’m wondering if the mum has made this up to cover for the fact she pushed your DD out of the door. Wouldn’t she have brought Emily with her to your house if your DD had done it so you could hear it from her too.

Also, the bruise must’ve come out quickly which would ring alarm bells for me

LimitIsUp · 03/09/2021 16:00

@Eeiliethya

Storm in a tea cup.

Do nothing, say nothing. She isn't going to get a criminal record for wrist grabbing.

Sit tight and wait for it to blow over.

This!
LaBellina · 03/09/2021 16:03

What I would do in this situation.

First of all no contact at all with Emily’s mother, Emily or the boy involved. Stay away from trouble.

Second. What I find very odd about this story is that Emily’s mother immediately came to your home after the argument, started to accuse your daughter of assault and threatened to report her to the police. It seems almost like a ‘attack is the best defense’ strategy. Which brings me to point 3.

Emily’s mum seems to be the agressor here. She as an adult, put her hands on a minor and shoved her. She might have done this without provocation in the heat of the moment, realized SHE might get in trouble with the police if this were reported and therefore decided to accuse your DD of assault together with her DD. Then she went to your house and started to intimidate you, to make sure you were too afraid to go to the police yourself.

I very much doubt this woman will go to the police but if she does, I would let your DD tell her story, leave out the parts that might make her look bad and report Emily’s mum to the police for assault of a minor. And slander. And I would be telling the police too that the way she showed up at your home was pretty intimidating.

LaBellina · 03/09/2021 16:06

Also bruises don’t usually show up immediately. She can even have created a fake one with makeup.

phishy · 03/09/2021 16:06

I’d be inclined to believe your DD. Seems odd that the mother would invite dd in and that then dd would then attack Emily in her own home in front of her mum.

I think publicly support your dd, but privately give dd consequences for going to Emily’s home, being rude to her mum etc.